Just For Today - Leveraging The Tools of Al-Anon

A Sign?

2009-07-31T05:15:00.004-04:00

In my hometown, I was jogging and I came across this sign. I stopped in mid tracks, startled. And then I looked up laughing and said, "I got it. Okay, I got it!"

This was the day after I was affirming the same words in a notebook, in a three day management meeting. The VERY same words.

I just had to take this picture . . .

(The labels for this are interesting)

Everything will be OK

2009-07-21T07:00:00.003-04:00

I am going to be Ok. New signage to follow. I am taking a break - but I shall return in August.

Good Thoughts

2009-07-06T13:27:00.002-04:00

I have not posted in about 2 weeks. I took a mini-vacation. Today I am realizing how most everything I think about reverberates throughout the universe.

My life is what my thoughts have been.

Or said another way, "My life is due to what I think about."

If I change my thinking - remove any negative thinking - I can become happier, more positive and acheive serenity.

Today I am thinking good thoughts.

Happiness

2009-06-14T05:45:00.004-04:00

From the same book - by Ari Kiev

A quote from Richard L Evans;

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have."

I would like to provide a different - modified version;

"May we never let the things we have done or haven't done, spoil our enjoyment of the things we are are doing. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to happy with what we are doing." [not what we have done wrong or done badly]

I would also add - ". . . don't allow the things we have done, keep us from doing what we could be doing."

My brain is so crazy - I beat myself up for stupid things I have done. I flog myself. I use self-perpetuated guilt. I am doing that now - I did some dumb things in the past few weeks.

I am catching myself - and I need to be gentle with myself - something I don't do very well.

I looked up this person - Evans. And this is what I found:

Richard L. Evans is best known for his inspirational messages given in the long-running weekly radio program "Music and the Spoken Word" with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. As a General Authority of the Mormon Church, he was one of their most senior leaders.

Evans became employed at KSL Radio in Salt Lake City as a staff announcer in 1930. This began his long association with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, for he announced the titles of compositions and gave station identification for the broadcast of programs that included hymns and choral works backed by The Tabernacle Organ. In time he began to include some short thoughts associated with the musical selections. These were well received and soon evolved into non-denominational inspirational "sermonettes" usually less than two minutes, about moral principles, the inter-relationships of people, and the proper approach to life. His messages were ecumenical in nature, pointing out that the differences between people are not as great as what they have in common. [emphasis added - mine]

Other quotes:

The undertaking of a new action brings new strength.
I don't think anything is unrealistic if you believe you can do it.
Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.

PS - I am not endorsing nor opposing Mormons or any other religion, sect or nationality.

Surrendering to the Now

2009-06-13T09:24:00.002-04:00

Great read from a person/therapist/counsellor Ari Kiev:

"Surrendering to the now turns off the incessant mental activity that projects negative images onto events. This reduces misinterpretation, distraction, and anxiety about future events and guilt over past events and creates a sense of calm. Surrender leads to an expansion of consciousness and increased control over you automatic nervous system, which enables you to stretch your performance in any activity beyond conventional limits. This leads to a state of "active passivity" whereby increased awareness, understanding, and tolerance allow you to control psychological processes."

This reading/passage is very comforting to me. I surrender is a powerful concept that allows me to be in the moment and helps me refrain from labeling and judging things and people and events.

Peace today is all I want and desire.

Thank you Ari Kiev

Maturity

2009-06-07T07:26:00.002-04:00

A great reading the other day. It came from a free Al-Anon pamphlet. The discussion leader read the 16 things behind maturity.

The next week, different meeting, and I swear, I don't recall seeing this person at the previous meeting, held the same exact discussion. He copied the pamphlet and left it in the center of the room. Which of course is the Al-Anon way of saying, "You don't have to pick it up and read it." Of course this another way of not trying to exert ones behavior or opinion on another.

And of course we all jumped up and grabbed a copy.

But this morning I am writing about "maturity" too.

I read a "non conference approved book" this morning. But there are many things I now read that relates to Al-Anon.

Here is the quote:

"Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

There is solace in knowing this. Whatever the hell "solace" means. Who says "solace" by the way? A blogger without a large vocabulary. Ahhhhh, sarcasm, used against the self - a false modesty and humbleness.

In the past couple of days, I realized I am getting hooked again. My immaturity and seeking certain outcomes - sometimes by forcing solutions and attaching my self-worth to the outcome is getting me into a little trouble. I am "fighting" by arguing. I love a good debate. I seek it out in many ways. I can cut through a person's words and sentences and even the sentence structure (even though I suck at English grammar) just to "win." But it only occurs when someone "attacks me."

What are people doing when people attack me?

I am renting a nice 4 or depending who you ask - a 5 bedroom house. My "other" house is paid off and that is where my Whenever to be ex lives. It is expensive and well -worth a lot of money - AND paid off. I am a saver of money. Spend thrift. Well, I got trigger because my landlord - to whom I pay A LOT of mullah to (that's money in English slang), stated in a friggin' email that I was not "allowing Realtors to 'show' the house. and that I should Section 3 of the contract."

Well, dear Joseph, my ugly side, read Section 3. I am not an attorney, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once, shot back reread Section 3 and pointed out certain words and phrases like "appropriate times" and "consideration" and etc. And I shoved that across the Internet cable like a grenade going up their you know what.

I was triggered. I felt "how dare they?" I have more money that them. I busted my ass all my life and now I am stuck in a rented home having them tell me that realtors can come anytime they want to (some want to come at 6PM at night while I am eating dinner or changing clothes and I said "No." I would have said, Okay before and sacrificed myself and well-being and my needs for people I don't even know. But now, with Al-Anon programming, I am a worthwhile person and I COME FIRST so don't fuck with me. Okay Al-Anon does not say "don't fuck with me." But I am worthy. And I do come first. So now I say "No" without much guilt. Whereas before, guilt would leap around for several hours in my brain on a trampoline.

So, they are pissed I am making the realtor work around my schedule. Well, tough. I read Section 3. And .....

Isn't life grand? Life gives me all sorts of tests. Major and minor to test my maturity. Life equals reality. Al-Anon teaches me to experience reality and be mature. Also to act mature. And realize I am not perfect and that's okay.

Control, Offering Opinions and Dependency

2009-06-04T07:08:00.006-04:00

I am often amazed how members of Al-Anon will come up to me or some one else after a meeting and provide either advice or in the discussion - comment on what some one said or is saying. What I hear is - "That is not true it is this or that." Or what else I hear is "You should do this." And then there is a more indirect route, "Have you thought about . . . "

No matter how we slice it - it is about control. Control is a path to dependency, by you who is controlling or by you, accepting the opinion.

No one elses opinion matters. Period. End of statement. Finis.
No one is right or wrong. Period. End of statement. Finis.
Very little matters. Which means; "Very little matters in the world. Period. End of statement. Finis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmmmm . . .

That last statement "Very little matters." Did it get you? Do you disagree? Are you thinking "what does matter then?" And, the thought of "Very little matters in the world." - are you labeling this? Are you labeling this as;

1. Wrong?
2. Yes things do matter!! Everything matters!
3. You are giving up! You cannot give up! We must fight to the death. Is that what this translates to for you?

Yes.

Very little matters.

Even what I am typing - it doesn't matter.

But our "attachments" - what we have "decided" as "right" is what is getting me (us/you) hooked. "Right" and righteousness" - is an opposite opinion and is therefore "wrong" is a form of judgment. Being wrong makes us - "Less than" or "Unworthy." Is it the judgment that starts getting me hooked? What if it just is?

What if being wrong was accepted in our society as "Good?" What if we rejoiced in another's opinion - especially - if it was DEEPLY counter to ours?

What if we celebrated wrong and difference of opinion?

I am not talking about diversity - however - this discussion MAY BE the root of the diversity topic . . . not that my opinion matters -

And this is not to say I am not a worthy and worthwhile person.

Because here it is:

I am a worthy and worthwhile person. AND of course - so are YOU!

Your opinion of me or my blog or my hair or my underwear does not really affect me.

Well isn't that SPECIAL . . . Apologies to Church Lady (aka Dana Garvey).

I wish the sentence "Your opinion of me does not matter." what really true for me. I am hooked. I am attached to your opinion. I don't even know you and I am attached to your opinion.

How about you? Are you attached to another person's opinion? Of you? Of the world?

This is the control and dependency issue.

Go back to the statements about - all three. Can you read them and REALLY FEEL them and accept these in the deepest part of your ego/soul/brain/conscious/subconscious?

GOD - there is so much to learn.

The closest I get to GOD is serenity. I achieve serenity - by being present. Feeling my feelings. And working on not being attached to what happens, what I am thinking, the future, what I "want" or "need" and what others think (what I THINK others think).

I am aiming for peace and serenity.

Again - as my sponsor says - When you have a choice (for thoughts and actions) aim for serenity.

Today I am focusing on detachment.

Getting Unstuck

2009-05-27T07:25:00.002-04:00

One of the things I have to get back to doing is "to risk."

I have been under enormous (enormous? probably the right word, but my ego or voice inside my head, I cannot tell which one it is talking to me) pressure over the past year and a half. Separation, loss of job, looking for job, stock market, economy, new job, divorce proceedings, custody proceedings, money going out the door for lawyers, wife attacking, my brain working overtime, child going thru puberty, etc. all adding to the pressure.

So, in order to "control" the pressure I have not been "risking" or "being out there on the high wire" at work as I probably could be. Or is it "should be." I know about the "should thing." But maybe there is a "should" every now and then. Maybe I am working just enough. And maybe working "just enough" is perfectly fine.

I am not sure.

This is the dilemma. Am I stuck? Am I afraid to reconnect with old business acquaintances because of the fear of rejection?

HELLO??

As I am writing this the thought comes to mind: What if they don't return my call? The ANSWER: So what? What will happen if they don't? Nothing. Except an ego bruise. AND the possibility of the ego taking control and making me feel "less than." Hmmmm.

Am I really "risking?"

Bite sized chunks.
I know to get around the "stuck" thing is to make a list. Break down the thing I need or should or must do, into smaller, bite sized chunks, on a piece of paper. Then schedule time on my calendar to do them. And then, . . . , JUST DO IT (them).

OK. Got it.

This is where I am this morning.

Also. I "attached" to something at work yesterday. And then when I "confronted" another manager, he started Bullshitting me, about how it's going to be better in the future. I told him I cannot wait and that the future is now. I told him, and I did it in the old way, that he cannot give me this crap about how good it's going to be. I don't think he ever was confronted before.

Why did I have to go and attack his bullshit? Why couldn't I have just adjusted and worked it out more indirectly? Which is the right way to go? I am never sure. I know; say what you mean, but don't say it meanly.

I said what I meant. I think it could have been interpreted as being mean. Now I fret, that he will tell others I am "explosive." I was not mind you - but I did tell him - not that he was full of shit, but he knew he could no longer ever bullshit me, just by my taking his words and tossing them into the garbage heap as "unmeaningful."

OK. How do I recover from this one? Apologize? Let it go? Or is it my head again that is causing me to worry about this? I am having difficulty with the balance.

Fear - Mastery of,

2009-05-25T07:52:00.002-04:00

This morning I am reminded that fear resides not outside me, but inside me. Fear is my reaction to my thoughts. Or my thinking about my thoughts of what "could be happening" or "could happen," but not necessarily what is happening.

The solution, I read, is not eliminating fear, but transcending fear.

Trying to eliminate fear is a trap. Trying to suppress my responses is also a trap. I need to become detached as an on-looker is; unbiased, non-judgmental, non-emotional, as if I were floating above the event watching it unfold.

Can I do this? How can I remember to do this?

Another NEW Day

2009-05-23T08:02:00.003-04:00

So. I was bummed out yesterday. Surprise? Nope. I went to bed, couldn't sleep and then woke up around 4AM.

Yes. I did it. I vacuumed the house around 5AM!

OKAY. Went to noon-day meeting. It was around slogans. "This too shall pass" seemed to be getting a lot of talking about.

I spoke of it and said my version is; "This too shall pass. But I want it to pass now." I went on to say; "I am very fortunate. I am doing well. I am in good health. It is only my thinking that is doing 'it' to me."

Yes. My thinking. Exacerbated by lack of sleep and a small cold I picked up Wednesday that I thought I knocked out Friday. Still have it apparently this morning.

Went running yesterday AM before work. Good 3 miles. But need to do every morning/day. It makes a HUGE difference.

Also need to get back into reading every morning.

Called my sponsor yesterday as I was pissed. He pulled over to a parking lot to focus on what I was saying. We all have this obsessive thinking disease. We think way too much. We. I mean I. I don't know what we have. I know what I have. That is the "advisor" coming out in me. Focus on yourself dear Joseph.

You can only control yourself. And damn that is hard enough.

Focus on yourself and what is reality. No one is doing anything to you (me). They are too busy worried about their own things. Think about what you can control and shut up and shut off.

Peace this morning.

A Book I Picked Up

2009-05-22T06:01:00.005-04:00

Not an Al-Anon book for sure. And before I tell you who the author is, I want to tell you what he writes.

He writes what I could not write - but I feel it, and I have the same problem. My wife is an alcoholic, and she is, well, crazy. Yes. I said it. And she is feeding my child reasons as to why I am seeking a divorce. Ranging from I have/had a girlfriend (untrue) to I am a mean person.

It pisses me off. And today, I am bummed out. My wife heads to the beach with our child and does not work, does not seek work, nor does she have to. She is feeding our child untruths.

I prayed to God this morning and last night, asking for him to show me what it is I am not seeing, what I am not getting. I got on my knees asking for help this morning in the middle of the master bathroom.

Yes. I am bummed out.

I took my child to dinner last night. She did not want to eat. She wanted to buy a notebook pad from this upscale store for $29. I thought that was ridiculous. Of course, I have learned to not say that. But I did tell her "No, not now."

Her mother bought a calendar from there. My child showed me. It was $25.

I, of course, Googled calendars and printed off a free one.

How is it I work, she doesn't and I save and she spends.
I filed for divorce because of the safety of this child. I am not despised/disdained by the same child I sought to protect.

We went to Barnes and Noble last night. I picked up a book .....

On page 49;
"If your spouse is not open and cooperative regarding divorced co-parenting, every day you spend disconnected from your child is another day that child adjusts to life without you. Although you may call regularly, or visit on alternating weekends, your influence in a child's day-to-day life wanes. It is as though the child takes her love for you and places it on a shelf."

Sad. It is true. I could not explain it . . . but this does.

The book is by someone I NEVER liked.

He, in fact, screamed at his daughter and left it on a phone answering machine. You know who I am talking about now.

When I heard this recording all over the news channels, I thought "How could anyone EVER talk to his daughter this way? He is absolutely an ASSHOLE."

But now I know the frustration. I know how a child can be their parent's avenger. I see it first hand.

Of course the book is by Alec Baldwin. It has so much truth about the legal system and divorce that it is absolutely uncanny how accurate it is and how it expresses the problems of co-parenting. And how judges don't give a shit. Lawyers are damn bastards. And how parents wage a war through the child.

It is a war I am going to sit on the sidelines for.

I remember my wife talking about Larry Byrd years ago, and how he never saw his daughter and what an asshole he was for doing that. I thought so too. But now I know. I know how a child you love turns against you and starts calling you names and does not want to be there because of the mother and how she has started to cast a pall over the father.

I am bummed this morning. I need to get out of this funk by getting outside my head.

I went to a meeting last night. I saw my sponsor. But I was so bummed, I left immediately after the closing prayer.

I have got to get outside my head this morning.

PS - Don't think I am okaying what Baldwin said to his daughter. But I now know he was hurt and torn and felt unappreciated. He lashed out. I now know that. I know how bitter he might have been. You not being in the same place may have the same initial impression I did of him.

PPS - I will get out of this okay and of course, alive.

My Attempts Controlling My Attempts to Control

2009-05-20T07:16:00.003-04:00

Absolutely amazing. My attempts to control the uncontrollable. I even attempt to control my controlling. Think about that one for a minute.

Writers Comment: This is a long post today folks . . . but you have to read all it. I reveal some aspects of control that I have not always recognized.

This morning I thought about all the things I could and should do to "Stop a certain person" from spamming my little blog site. I thought about looking for a way to block this person from commenting.

I remember this morning getting a little pissed off and figuring out a way to threaten this person.

Retaliating against him. "Getting even." Hmmmm . . .

Then I read a little passage. It was a small one sentence that stuck out in this book. It is a sentence that we all know - I mean - we heard it a million times. It wasn't even in an Al-Anon book. The sentence was just there -staring at me - and in the back of my head I was figuring out what I could do to get back at this person.

Yep. I was "planning" and "scheming." I even had these hurtful words starting to enter my head as to how best to wound him so he would go away. Yes. I will admit this.

Then the words; "The only thing you can control is yourself." showed up in the middle of the paragragh.

I laughed - or smiled is more like it. Yes. My attempt to control was going on in my head. I had "get back at you" strategies going on.

What a laugh.

So what someone is spamming my little blog site. He is really causing no harm. Does he really know me? Does he know any of us?

He was on my "little site" before. I looked him up. He's from some where in Australia. Actually I know the city and just about everything about him. Yes. I was attempting to control. I wasted a lot of time looking him up. His own blogspot had a lot about him. He revealed a lot about his family, where he lived, how he grew up and how he found his beliefs.

Yes. I was "going to get back." Retaliate. Why? Anger. But it was fear based. What was I afraid of? His opinion? Of me. Of you? I was going to defend you. That's what I did as the oldest one. I defended my brothers and sister. I helped them through school. Now I was going to defend me and you. From what? His opinion? His cutting and pasting of long stuff?

I could wound him now. I could say "Can't you write? Do you know ha, ha, ha etc is really not so intelligent? And cutting and pasting someone elses words is another form of stupidity and non-original thinking? And . . . " But I know he's been asked these types of questions before you see. I can sense it. That is where I can wound. I used my sensing ability to defend through my words.

My controlling power is well honed. It's sharp. It pops up in the most little things in life. I cannot control it because it is so hard to recognize.

Even my deleting of his comments are an attempt to control.

I even thought about using humor. Here was going to be my post;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mickey,

I have someone I would like you to meet. Obviously you are a lonely soul. Mickey meet my ex-wife. Ex-wife, meet Mickey.

Please torture each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes. That would be funny I thought. But again, my humor is another attempt to control.

All these things were going on inside my head - very, very fast. Quickly processing. In seconds I had formulated several strategies to wound, attack, control, get even, be funny, be smart etc. Seconds.

Controlling the uncontrollabe. How pervasive is this in my life?

Just In: Live Your Vision

2009-05-19T06:42:00.002-04:00

I am rerere-reading A Strategy for Daily Living by Ari Kiev. Great books have to be read many times. And in this little obscure book lies great secrets of living life AND being successful.

First chapter: A Worthy Purpose.

This sentence struck me this morning;

When you focus too heavily on the attainment of your goals instead of on the process of living your vision, you will find yourself living too much in the future instead of the present.

And:

As soon as you accomplish something or get what you want, you will become attached to it and then begin to pursue the objective, not as an expression of the larger vision of yourself and the world, but because you are caught up in wanting more of what you have a achieved.

Tomorrow

2009-05-17T05:46:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow in Al-Anon is non-existent in the sense that I have my head in the future and what "will" happen or what "might" happen.

In today's reading from Courage to Change it talks of tomorrow. The opening line is;

"When we talk of tomorrow," says a Chinese proverb, "the gods laugh." They laugh not because they find us ridiculous, but because they know the future is not predictable. Thus, we have no choice but to live "One day at a time."

I can make plans, but I cannot determine the results.

This is me. It was me in a big way. I spent all my hours - and I am not exaggerating here - living in the future. When I was on vacation, I would work, worrying about next week when I got back. When I was in the water at the beach very rarely did I just enjoy it - except when body surfing - where I had to be conscious - but I can look back and still remember thinking about "later" or "what I need to do" and "how I need to make sure everyone was in the car ready to go for dinner."

Is this true? Or is my brain just saying this?

I can remember - telling a colleague - that when driving from a client's office I would often - always - visualize myself coming into my building - literally opening the door of the building by pulling it open and then walking down the hall - thinking about who I might run into - people who worked for me and anticipating what issues they may bring to me and then getting into my office and working down my "to do" list.

I was proud of that fact of my ability to visualize.

Here in Al-Anon it really is a program of focusing on the NOW. I never would have heard this - if it wasn't for Eckard Tolle's books on the subject. As soon as I read (no studied it) I started hearing about the "Now" in Al-Anon. It was all over the place. What a rip-off! You can join Al-Anon and get this information for free and make it part of your being instead of going to these self-help seminars on the "Power of Now." Not really a rip-off. Just making a point about this program and how deep and rich it can be if you work it and it will work you.

You get just what you need . . . and I (you) can leave the rest.

Oh yes. One more - important thing.

Al-Anon seems to be somewhat of a contradiction. I will say it is Not - because I am defending it. But to the "untrained eye" - it may be. As we don't bring in religions you will find quotes from various religious beliefs.

Today's quote for example is a good one. But it is from the Bible.

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself."

Interesting. And, I wonder if they had semi-colons back in the day.

There is tomorrow. I just need to do the footwork today. Cannot make the future occur the way I wish it would.

Peace this Sunday.

Everytime - I Get What I Need

2009-05-15T06:24:00.005-04:00

One of the miracles in Al-Anon is, I seem to always get what I need at a meeting.

I read the daily reading in our meeting at the noon group meeting this past Wednesday, May 13. It's part of the format of this group to read the Steps, Traditions, Concepts and Warranties as well as the daily reading from any of the 3 daily readers.

So, as I read this passage, I was saying, "Damn. Just what I need. A - friggin' - gain." To myself mind you, as I don't let random thoughts pop out of my head and disrupt the flow of the meeting!

Recently - over the past few years - I have been - God I hate to admit this - reluctant to make decisions and reluctant to confront people. This is very recent, as I was a confronter. I am now afraid to open certain emails - as I "just know" they are going to be zingers (usually from my wife and the people I am renting this house I am now in).

The reading struck me. It was just what I needed, as I am touched or haunted with "dread" on certain aspects of my life. I have been burned before and therefore a little indecisive. Here is the passage from Courage to Change May 13 that struck me and was just what I needed;

For a time I avoided making decisions because I was sure that there was some "magical" right choice that would get me what I wanted, yet I never seemed to know what that choice was. I waited until the last minute to decide and never felt good about my choices. Today I know that choosing not to decide is to decide.

It can be very liberating to make a decision. Once the decision is made, I can trust that the consequences will unfold as they should. With a slight change in attitude, perhaps I can await them with excitement and hope rather than fear and dread.

This is where I am today. When I make a decision or I am waiting for a response or I get the response (the email or call from my soon-to-be-ex or maybe someday-ex), I have this fear and dread feeling come over me.

I have not been to as many meetings as I would like. I am so busy at work and was so busy preparing for divorce. And so busy trying to regain my personal life. And so busy trying to stay in shape. And so busy . . .

I am forgetting being centered. My centering is the most important thing in this list. It affects everything else.

The meeting was just what I needed. This passage hit me in head. It had the two words "fear" and "dread" -

Also - by the way - the word "consequences" above has typically a negative connotation to some. But it is not the true definition of the word. Consequences are just results of actions -neither positive or negative. I know, I looked the word up many years ago, and unless they changed the definition this is correct. Why are you typing this by the way Joseph? Well in your need to help (read control) others, you want them to understand the word in the passage. Also, are you trying to help (control)? And show (control) you are smart? Man, I read control all the way through this.

Just In: What I Don't Do

2009-05-10T07:38:00.004-04:00

Just In: In Al-Anon I learn to give up control of others, events and other things "outside my circle."

This morning I am reading an interesting thought that I want to share. Here it is:

In time you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you don't do.

I like this thought. I am going to sit with it. I do a sort of "inventory" when I have something I must do or when I am reacting to something. I ask; "Will this help - that is - if I do something, will this make matters better? Or is my ego trying to make me react because I fear losing something or feeling 'less than'?"

What I don't do may make more of a positive difference in my personal and professional life. Strike "may" and replace with "probably."

Update

2009-05-10T07:31:00.002-04:00

For the past week, I scurried late at night and in the early morning, to prepare for trial. We were to go to trial Monday - tomorrow - but Friday the deal was delayed once more. My wife's attorney was not ready.

So here I am again, relieved in one sense, and disappointed not to get on with it in another sense.

In justice, there is little truth. I can tell you that first hand. Lawyers are good sales people. If I offend, well, I am not sure I can truthfully say "I am sorry." But, the truth is, all lawyers present not the facts, the a skewed version of the facts that are in the interests of their client.

If everything was just the truth, well, I believe we would see a different world. I can see it on Wall Street. I can see it politics. Are there no people who just want the truth. Even if it sheds bad light on them?

Anyway, I hear myself. My ego is sounding self-righteous. Yep. I can catch it now, thanks to Al-Anon.

I believe I am up before court June 9. We'll see.

Just In: What If . . . ?

2009-04-30T05:54:00.004-04:00

In Al-Anon I learn NOT to ask "What if?"

But "what if?"

What if I didn't judge? What if I didn't judge myself? What if I didn't judge others?

What if I could eliminate my judgment of myself and others? What would that look like?

++++++++++++++++++++

It is a thought that cannot just be read. I really have to feel it. When I do this, I am "released."

Two Posts Today - How Lucky Can One Get

2009-04-25T06:08:00.004-04:00

Two Posts for the Price of One

Yep. Two. Both are for free.

As I sit here - just finished my first post - I am thinking - I am very grateful. I really have no problems. Yes. I am going through a terrible divorce. I never thought I would be part of such a thing. It is one you would read about or hear about how ugly it has gotten.

I share the ugly part with - well - hardly anyone. First my lawyer charges me too much. Second, don't want to worry my mom - and although I am waaaay too old to talk to mom - [I AM NOT one of those guys] - mom is still mom no matter how old you are. My brothers - waay too busy for the drama. And frankly - I hate reliving it.

But - I am grateful. I am so grateful and I woke up counting the amount of stress issues I have;

Economy - yes, my stock portfolio is down. Waaay down. But compared to others, not even close to them.

Job. I am new. Big position -sort of. Need to make a mark. Fortunate. Good things happening here.

Living in a rented house. Expensive. Next to our child's school. Wife has told our child somethings and has overheard mom. Cannot control this. I have to be patient. (Thanks to someone who wrote long comment about who cares what kind of food my child eats right now. Have fun with and let them remember the fun part. These comments resonate and help me)

Divorce. Jeeez. Enuf said.

Strange - my wife's drinking will not make this list.

House. Would like to buy house. Where? Once down and in, hard to change or resell.You'd better like it.

Exercise. Not able to exercise like I was. Stress is slowing me down a bit. Had to keep off running for about a month. Now better. GRATEFUL!!!

I am not ill. I am okay. Things could be a lot worse. I am comparing me to me, by the way.

I have a program. I have a sponsor. Use it, but you'll never lose it.

I can exercise.

I am blessed. Remember this today. How am I remembering my gratitude? It is clear at this second - I recognize I am ........PRESENT!!

Try Six Meetings To See If Al-Anon Is Right For You

2009-04-25T05:19:00.005-04:00

Try Six (6) Meetings - Al-Anon - Is Right For You

This morning it is early. I am not sure what I am going to write. I have not been to my meetings like I need to.

In my city I am blessed. There are several meetings a day. I have to drive 20 or 45 minutes - but there are meetings.

I went yesterday and the night before. These meetings vary - widely. One meeting is filled with straights, singles, marrieds and gays. A lot more of the latter. It is strange that I can write this and I am not sure why I am sharing this - but it is this meeting that I like the most.

I think it is the sheer honesty - without masking - that I feel I can reveal what I feel. In other meetings, I still feel compelled to "sound smart" and also, there is this "woman thing," - I want to not be or sound too "goofy" [definitely not the right word] in front of them.

The good news is - I found which meetings work best. The meeting I referred to earlier - and it is because I believe there are more gays there, is my favorite. I think it is also because we sit in a circle - with nothing in between us all. It feels like we have "nothing between us that separates us."

I go to other meetings and we sit around the table. I sit in meetings all day around tables - a conference room table, discussing accounts strategies, and client solutions, with my team at work. So, I guess I am tired of tables.

The meeting with "gays" - gets filled up with straights - and there are newcomers meetings. Funny, [the strange type of funny], I like these meetings a lot because we focus on Steps 1, 2, and 3. And we are always Newcomers. Not just the Newcomers, but I feel we ARE ALWAYS starting over - with a fresh perspective - relearning these Steps 1, 2 and 3, at a deeper level.

In the Newcomers meetings I used to be VERY sensitive to those who were really raw - so new it was there first meeting. I can remember - almost two years ago - crying - yes - really - crying trying to get my wife to stop drinking and driving with children in the car.

OKAY - remember this? You who are new - are you asking; "Why didn't he hide the keys?" - and "Why didn't he force her to stay home?" - And - "How come he could not tell she was drinking?"

Answers -

I did. I did. Really strange - but - I couldn't.

The last part - was - I couldn't tell when she had been drinking. Yes there were signs. I looked too. Looked for the signs; the lips - they were moist and were - well - stiff and yet wobbly?. The walk - a slight stagger - so slight - if you knew her - you thought maybe she was "just off" that day. Her speech - slightly more talk and rapid.

Ooooops. I drifted. I was focusing on her!

The Newcomer - how in the world can you not focus on her????? Are you selfish?

I used to be SOOOO focused on her, that I lost where I stopped and she began. Hard to explain to a Newcomer. Easy now to see it thankfully.

Back to the meetings . . .

It's Saturday this morning, as I write this. There are several Men's Meetings. I like these meetings - SOMETIMES. There is too much testosterone in one. I feel we are all competing. I realize it is ALL probably me competing. I would say I am not very competitive. Others would probably say I am very competitive [not at meetings - probably - mostly at work].

The "shares" at the Men's Meetings are honest. But I feel a sense of "not going to sound smart" and we are all competing to talk. There is never enough time because the meeting is SOOO large.

Plus - I am going to write this - there are no women there. I feel women DO add to the meeting. But it is my ego that "stops" me from revealing my feelings. I feel like they may talk about this guy named "Joe" amongst themselves. But at the same time the women offer a very similar story from a different perspective.

One last thing I will share this morning.

I went back to my "regular" Saturday morning meeting a few weeks ago.

The meeting had changed!!!!

After the speaker story, people shared but commented on the speaker and how much the person had changed, gotten better, AND - offered advice!

I was - well - APPALLED. I shared at this meeting and spoke from the "I" and of course I slightly commented on HOW it was all about me - no matter what happened to the alcoholic - I had to focus on me and my shares had to be from the "I" perspective - not on "Us" or "We" or "you."

In truth - the meeting I loved and that I first went to every Saturday with men and women, had not changed - I was the one that changed. The one that gave me turbo growth was the meeting filled with people who were REALLY following the rules and principles of Al-Anon. Keep the focus on yourself - speak only Al-Anon literature - no commenting etc. The meeting was and is reallllly "tough" on these guidelines. To the point - to where they turned some people off. Certain members have gotten better about stating right out loud "Can you use the word 'I' when sharing please?" and "We try to stick to Al-Anon literature here."

Even in my egoic disease and the progress I have made - these comments would have and still will - send me flying . . . in embarrassment and replaying the event in my head.

Progress, not Perfection
I am blessed. Good things have happened to me - and they are - well - frankly, miracles. I quickly forget where I came from and where I am.

Six meetings. If you are in a large city - try six meetings.

Where I suck is this - I saw my sponsor Thursday night. We sat next to each other. BUT WE HAVE NOT TALKED. I suck. I need to really work my program. I need his help and guidance, because I am living in my head.

Six meetings. Try to do them ALL in a week. But do this for a month. That is my recommendation.

Tell Me Not To Send This

2009-04-19T06:40:00.003-04:00

Anger. Yes. I was angry. Today, I am not. How can I be angry and pissed off - and the next day I am not?

What was I angry about? I was angry at being controlled.

But in reality, I was angry at the THOUGHT of being controlled.

Interesting today that I can see that clearly. No one actually controls me. I was in my head. I needed to come out. I needed to vent and release.

The letter/email I wrote to my spouse - was first sent to my lawyer. The email subject line;

"Tell me not to send this."

His 300 dollar response;

"Don't send this."

Wow. Amazing. Thank you for the 300 dollars. Well, all good lawyers will say something more to justify their costs.

So he also said this; "It's too emotional."

Well, that's the third time he has said that to me over the course of my hiring him. So, I didn't send this "emotional email."

Anyway, I began "dwelling" on this reply from my lawyer. A little levity here, please. "Too emotional." Well, that is a pretty stupid response now that I think about it. If you are going through a divorce, is there any "logic" to what people do and say? Especially those of us on both sides of the glass who have been affected by alcohol?

Too emotional. That's pretty stupid from a divorce lawyer.

Today I Am Pissed

2009-04-17T05:58:00.009-04:00

Yesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.

On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.

My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.

The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.

A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the friggin' contributing to the hell.

Except - I still get hooked.

My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....

So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.

The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.

She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.

The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.

I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.

I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.

It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."

Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.

I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.

PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.

PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.

Surrender

2009-04-16T06:29:00.002-04:00

Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - Surrender

Week before last I led a meeting on "Surrender." It was one of the meetings I go that meets every day .... so this time there was no speaker and I volunteered at the last moment.

I opened to the index and saw "Surrender" and read from the book "How Al-Anon Works."

Here's what I wish I would have said;

The ego believes that in your resistance lies strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the place of true power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength. What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innocence, and power.

Until you surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. "That's dangerous." says the ego. "You'll get hurt. You'll become vulnerable." What the ego doesn't know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resistance, through becoming vulnerable, can you discover your true and essential vulnerability.

I know this isn't from Al-Anon, but there are a lot of good books, that are so closely related, it is hard not to be impacted and bring fresh perspectives to what I learn in Al-Anon.

I am caught up in my ego. I hear it this morning: "You are weak. You are under attack. You will be diminished."

Do I hear "You will be laughed at?"

Somewhere, way back in the recesses of my mind, I think I truly do hear this. It comes from growing up in a tough neighborhood. Where kids were nasty and would criticize each other - by making fun of their clothes, their family, and their looks. They would gang up - and there would be a "victim." I forgot about this and the dread of walking down to the school bus stop. I was "ranked on" - until I became "cool" which really meant I was no longer "short." I was never cool, but kids eventually left me alone. But I never ranked on others until they ranked on me. I always to took up for the victim, and helped defend him. Interesting now that I recall these episodes when I was about 13 or 14 years old.

I am back to surrender. What peace can I bring forth by letting go?

I am looking for peace. I must let go of the "activity" of looking - and just "let go" to allow it to creep in, slip in, waft in.

I breath deeper now. I need to breath very deeply and feel the breath against my rib cage as I inhale. I feel my rib cage expand as I breath (I am doing this as I type). I notice it is a foreign feeling. I notice I must be holding my breath most of the day. Not good Joseph. Too tight. Stress. Tension. Let go, think not. Breath.

Nothing matters. Everything is going to be Okay. Everything is Okay. Everything is just as it was supposed to be.

It is either going to work out OR it is going to work out.

E-Mails Suck

2009-04-15T07:09:00.004-04:00

No matter what you write, someone will read your email negatively. The reverse is also true. So, emails suck.

I just got an email or series of emails from my "wife" - ex-wife, soon to be, (maybe at this rate , never).

I read them and they were - well, er, nasty, bitchy, accusing, derogatory.

I told my sister about the nastiness of the exchanges. I asked her to read them (of course probably because I needed "validation" and "verification" because my ego still says "be right or be small!").

So I sent them and I asked her a day later - "What did you think about the exchange?"

She said, "I don't see where they are negative?"

I said, "What??!!!? Are you insane (not quite what I said)."

She said, "No. Just see her stating her point." Then I explain why I say them as negative and she said, "Well you have more emotion and you are 'in this' deeper than I am."

I just sort of laughed. Maybe I am in so deep I refuse to see what I should see - reality. What is reality? And is there such a thing? But that is a deep question that is for another time. The point is; Emails suck.

So I got another email this AM. I read it and almost - ALMOST - responded - IMMEDIATELY. The little guys in my head and body suited up in full body armor and went to battle stations. I felt these soldiers of war running throughout my body and they were in full react mode. Retaliate!!! was the rallying cry. I almost did!

Thirty minutes later I responded in - well - not love - but out of - I think - understanding. I tried not to manipulate, although responding with "kindness or understanding" has a hint of manipulation, because in reality, I am trying to defend myself and get her to peaceful toward me and/or not to react in a violent manner.

So I am a little proud of myself this morning. I did not react. I waited. I made my points. I even used a smiley face - which was probably manipulative too. Anyway, it is sent and how someone reacts or retaliates, is none of my business.

Thank God for Al-Anon. Also, Eckard Tolle. I have him on my iPod and when I went running he kind of lulled me to sleep about the friggin' "pain-body" shit, that I keep forgetting about, that I keep feeding and forget to stay friggin' present. Damn. I need to reprogram myself every DAY.

A Strange Thing I Do That Helps

2009-04-11T07:59:00.004-04:00

Something that I do that REALLY helps me, is I take a great book (non-fiction, self-help, or Al-Anon) and read it with a Yellow Highlighter.

What is different that just normally highlighting the book, is I buy a spiral bound notebook and copy many of the sentences and passages into the notebook.

I started doing this every morning 20 years ago. I started with library books before Barnes and Nobles was on every corner and when Amazon was just a river.

I did this every morning for about an hour or two.

What happened is truly amazing. I started with business books. And what happened over the course of about 3 years was my life, my career took off. I knew more on the subject of business than my peers and my managers recognized I "had something." (maybe a little arrogance)

I did this with self help - from speaking to how your mind works to time management to leadership and management. All this helped me to be positive.

Every morning I would be walking on air. My head was swirling before I went into the office.

I would be so much better in my thinking and so much more control in my thinking about thinking.

My reactions to others would be so much more in check and balance.

But somewhere over the past few months I have gotten away from doing this every morning. I stopped going to bed at 9:30PM.

I started this again this morning. Just grabbing a spiral bound notebook and rewriting passages - and it is truly amazing . . . .

This cheap gift has helped me and my thinking once more. I feel - well - unburdened - enlightened. It is like - how can I explain - like I am light headed - in touch - happier, peaceful, aware, cognizant of my surroundings . . . It's like affirming, and meditating, at the same time as seeking the truth and knowledge of the universe. You become - well - One with your thinking and your HP.

When I travel I do/did the same - whether at Starbucks or McDonald's - again - early in the morning, concentrating, writing or rewriting these sentences, really grasping the meaning behind the words. Amazed that the author could capture the idea and concept so clearly in just a sentence or two.

I urge you to try this. Whether with Al-Anon books or self-help or your profession . . .

I think you will be amazed. By the way, and again - this might seem obsessive - the best notebooks are at Walmart during the time when school comes in. You can buy them for 15 cents a piece by Norcom - 70 pages. Weird that I would know this I know. But what would expect from a person affected by alcoholism? Or is it because I am just weird? Probably weird.

Try this - you will be amazed

Everything's Amazing - Nobody Is Happy

2009-04-10T07:39:00.001-04:00

Perspective: Everything is amazing, nobody is happy . . .

True reality. I love it

Update

2009-04-10T06:11:00.003-04:00

On Tuesday afternoon I learned that my trial for divorce was postponed. The judge was not going to be in Monday.

Interesting. Relieved on Wednesday. Stressed out on Thursday.

Wait. Wait some more.

It's is a racket. My lawyer is so busy he cannot even recall telling me that he told me things before. I pushed him yesterday as to why I am on the defensive. I filed for divorce because of alcoholism, one of the 6 reasons to get divorced in my state. He said, "That's an interesting position." Then proceeded to get another lawyer on the phone to brainstorm.

I want to scream, "Jesus Christ!!"

What a racket. Both attorneys can make this thing go on forever. Milking it. Now wonder people go broke.

My wife lies. I reviewed her Financial Statement. All of a sudden her savings accounts have gone down. Oh, yes. She writes checks for cash in the amount of $500 every 3 or 4 days. She goes to the ATM, and pulls out $200, or $300. Oh yes, I pay all the bills still.

Okay, I ask God, I know this is to teach me something. You have a plan. And it will all work out.

Thank God - I have a program. I don't always follow it. But I have a program.

Last night I went to a meeting. It was on Stress. Everyone is stressed these days. The number of people out of work is amazing. I see them in meetings. I used to try to help them in the beginning, now it's just too many to help.

For my office, I am looking for a sales exec. But I cannot find one qualified enough. I just hired two in the past two months. We just hired another professional who starts next week. So there are jobs out there. I thought I would write this part for inspiration to those who may be impacted by the economy.

This is a time to work hard on the program. To learn patience. To not rush and push things. God's time. Patience dear Joseph - is my mantra.

I Go To Court Next Monday

2009-04-06T07:07:00.002-04:00

Next week I go to court. This week I prepare.

I have tried to mediate, I have prayed and prepared. I have done the "leg work."

Now I turn it over my HP. Where would I be without a program?

For this, I am grateful every day I can remember this.

Just In - Decisions & Taking Action

2009-03-30T04:40:00.003-04:00

On Decisions and Taking Action. "Just In" - Just in is a News Flash. A type of reminder. It is always helpful to me to be reminded of the "obvious."

From "A Strategy for Success" by Ari Kiev. From the Chapter "The Mastery of Stress." This is on "Goal Selection." But I think it is appropriate for just living. Here is the little passage;

"To reduce indecision, try concentrating on what you prefer to do rather than what you believe you should do. This will speed action. Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding its perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

Resentments

2009-03-28T07:47:00.013-04:00

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.

The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

OKAY. NOW ABOUT ME
I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).

And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

A Great Quote - That Says It All

2009-03-24T05:16:00.005-04:00

Can't remember where I read it - but here it is. A great quote, that says it all:

"Don't make the common mistake of believing what you think."

One of my problems right now.

In fact, my only real problem.

Be Glad You're Not My 4 O'Clock

2009-03-20T05:59:00.004-04:00

In Al-Anon the other day at a meeting - one guy shared. He said he was going through a divorce and was dating someone else and she and he had a problem that was fairly significant (I won't reveal for anonymity reasons).

But suffice it to say, the problem was pretty big and therefore stressful.

He went to his doctor and the doctor listened to his "I can't sleep" story. The doctor said, "You know, you are probably depressed. But this too shall pass. And, be glad you're not my 4 o'clock."

The man said, "How so, Doctor?"

The reply, "I have a 4PM appointment this afternoon with a man who is your age and I have to tell him he has Lou Gehrig's disease and he has two years to live. He would trade places with you in a heart beat. He would take all your problems and more, to know he has another 40 years or so to live."

Perspective. I needed that. I will always remember the; "Be glad you're not my 4 o'clock" as a title/reminder to my stressful situations.

What Am I Going To Do Differently?

2009-03-13T06:50:00.003-04:00

OK. Meeting at noon. Someone says, "The question is; What am I going to do differently?"

Got it. Heard it. Went in one ear and out the other. The topic was fear. Got that too.

So, left meeting. Called spouse. Soon to be ex. Wanted to ask her a question. Reality: Wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I am tired of guessing. Want marriage over. Ended. Finis.

Couldn't get her on the phone. God works in strange ways, I told myself. I've tried calling before; she won't answer. In the past, I would keep on calling until I got her.

Except - I decided to call my sponsor. Did I mention I suck as a sponsoree? Haven't spoken to my sponsor in - well let's be honest - 2 weeks? No. He'd say "3 or 4." Maybe he'd add to the sentence "Asshole." He'd say it in jest of course, but he probably wouldn't say it at all, for that is sarcastic and manipulative and he is working his program pretty hard.

One meeting yesterday was not enough. Went to another last night. Saw same said sponsor. We talked after the meeting. Actually four of us guys did. We talked about food. We talked about our waste line. Are you kidding me? Nope. Talked about weight too.

But, in the call to my sponsor yesterday after I could not get hold of said spouse, he asked, "What are you going to do differently?"

In the meeting last night, someone said; "What am I going to do differently?"

Now that I have a program and I have the tools of Al-Anon, "What am I going to do differently?"

Here is a list so far that I wrote this morning;

Use my God Box. I placed in there; Let everything work out for my divorce for the good of my wife, my child and me. I said to myself, "Why did I place myself last in that sentence?" Proper grammar? Or something deeper? Probably grammar. But I am wondering.
Set boundaries. No longer am I going to be the nice guy and allow people to "get away" with things that are rightly mine, owed to me, or allow people to treat me with disrespect.
I am going to continue to not engage and be pleasant with said spouse.
I will follow attorney's advice
I will state clearly what I want and avoid avoiding head-on discussions about what I want
I will call my sponsor 2 times if not more a week. I really have got to set the time up to do this.
I will look for more happiness. I am happy about 80 to 95% of the time. Yes - this is true. I am just worried about what might be.

Going to Trial

2009-03-06T06:13:00.002-05:00

Well, yesterday we crossed the threshold. We are going to trial. It appears there is no turning back. Unfortunately the evidence I am introducing will probably have a negative effect on any future co-parenting and will probably place child custody or child time with my wife in jeopardy. In addition, I have all these checks that my spouse wrote to herself and turned around about bought stocks with. I have this evidence - that one day - just popped up.

It is strange this world of alcoholism. It is like curse and a gift. It has cursed me when I am in my own head. When I relax and let go - and get out side my head - there is this thing - that I cannot explain or put into words - that happens. I "find" things. Or things "find me."

Synchronicity may be a word. Or serendipity. Maybe not. But it's like, what I need is there. It does not happen when I want it. But like - it occurs a couple of days later or even weeks later. I just have to remember what it is I am needing and it appears.

I know. It sounds weird. But these checks -all of a sudden were there. This happened about a year ago. Checks that were 8 or 9 or 10 years old - were in a drawer in my old house. I am watching the Super Bowl and this "force" tells me to look in the drawer next to me in the table. I was too busy I told myself - I had to watch this football game. (I was alone, depressed, victimized, a little of Al-Anon kicking and breathing). But the voice said - "Look!! Go in that draw and open it and look!!"

I did. And there they were.

This happened again and . . . again.

I cannot force things. I cannot control things. I must just relax and let everything unfold.

Syd's comment was - well - accurate (I used to say "Right" but that got into a Right versus Wrong thing that I don't like anymore.)

Manipulation can be subtle or RIGHT OUT THERE.

I am going to trial. We cross the point of no return - today or early next week. So it is written.

More of the Same

2009-03-05T06:11:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been awhile since I've reported on my situation. I have avoided the report - due to fear and apprehension of stating more of the same.

When dealing with an alcoholic and their problems - their problems become "untouchable" or "unspeakable." They only want to talk about YOUR problems and what YOU did. They have this miraculous gift of concealing that they do anything wrong and make you the victim and blame.

I know - the words "Make you . . . " are trigger words.

There is no make you. Unfortunately this is not reality in law cases such as divorce.

She (my wife) screams at me into the phone and says things that are manipulative. I press the little red button on the left side of my cell phone that says, "Off" when this happens. But she still gets enough words in edge wise to make a dent in my head and create a recurring voice that says, "Maybe she's right."

And then you have her attorney who is manipulating her for everything she is worth. I have offered and reoffered to mediate. She and her attorney walked out of mediation. I have sent several emails stating that this is ridiculous and that no one but the lawyers will win.

Unfortunately, I cannot get through. I am considering writing her parents to explain that truly I want to mediate and end this - but fairly - for all sides. I will not take a lessor position and equitable distribution of my marital possessions - which is what her attorney is pushing for.

I am wanting to end this so we can both get on with our lives.

Never marry someone who needs to be fixed. You cannot fix anyone. You can only recover yourself. And part of your (MY) recovery is knowing where I start and stop in terms of my life and my thinking and what I have control over. You - or me - cannot go looking for someone to teach, coach, counsel, advise or repair. It is frustrating. Because our childhood upbringing has taught us to look for these people. And I attract them like magnets. Or I look for things to fix. Or I don't really see what to fix when I meet them and I view reality through rose colored glasses until the glasses one day begin sliding off the nose.

I turn my question over to the Universe; "Do I write my in-laws a letter hoping to influence the alcoholic. Or do I continue to let the lawyers fill their pockets with our money?"

Concentrate on the Effort - My Affirmations

2009-02-23T05:24:00.002-05:00

So, my affirmations are starting again. I used to focus on the goal - ALL the time. That made me future oriented. I never lived in the present. I spent my time thinking and planning for the future. I would even be on the beach thinking about when I got back from vacation - about work - or thinking about what we would do later that night.

Yikes

Concentrate on the Effort

I concentrate on the effort in order to change my present circumstances.
I focus on efforts rather than results (don't cringe here corporate America).
I know our culture focuses on the results.
I know only true freedom comes from me calling the shots.
I know success is fleeting and success is never guaranteed.
I can count on my ability - however - to withstand things, no matter what the outcome.
I have developed the ability to roll with the punches, to laugh at myself, to approach winning and losing philosophically rather than as life and death.

Take care and see you soon

Dreaming

2009-02-23T05:17:00.002-05:00

Okay this might be weird sounding. But in the midst of my divorce and battling my wife's alcoholism, I shut down my brain at night so I could go to sleep.

Shut down? Well maybe not exactly shut down. But what happened was I very - and I mean very rarely dreamed for the past several - 9 or 10 - months. I know - I dream - you say, I just don't remember the dreams.

Perhaps.

The past several weeks has brought me to a clearer frame of mind. I am seeing things more clearly - more defined - sharper. I recognized this the other night. I was not in a funk - I was present.

Last night I dreamed - now get this - of my lawyer. Yep. Lawyer.

I woke up on the edge of the dream - reviewing something my wife had or something - and he was very interested in it. It was - I think - her not working or not wanting to work.

Damn. I wonder if the bastard is going to bill me.

PS - for those of you who have not had a messy divorce, you have no idea how long it takes to divorce and what a crappy, unfair (for both sides) process this is. The lawyers DO milk it. It is like a funeral home. Everyone is emotional, and you can sell just about anything.

Comparision - My Affirmations

2009-02-20T06:49:00.002-05:00

In Al-Anon I get to sit and hear and think for an hour about the things I have read over and over again for years . . .

Prior to Al-Anon, I learned from Dr Robert Anthony that comparison is not a good thing. Competing with others, while it is the "American way," can be harmful if you (I) are continually looking at what others have or do compared to what you have or do.

"You will never be as good or bad on any given day or at any given moment as another person." That's my quote. It just came from me. From somewhere just now. But it makes sense. At least to me. Some days, I will suck. Other days, another person will suck. That's pretty basic.

Oh yeah. I read this somewhere. "Some days the dragon wins." Okay, I got it. Here's my affirmations regarding comparison.

Comparison

I know it's easy to think that one can be happy only if you are right and someone else is wrong.
I know for me to find my way, I must set myself beyond comparing myself to others.
I know comparing myself to others and what they have, or do, makes me miserable.
I know like the quote says; "The medals are always shinier on someone else's chest."
I strive and achieve for situations where I can use my own assets to the fullest measure possible.
I strive and achieve for situations in which my view of myself is not contingent on anybody else's view of me.
I know I don't have to prove myself to anybody and this makes me feel great.
I know comparison is a trap. Comparison feeds my ego as I am either better than or less than someone else.
If I compare, I compare myself today and where I was yesterday. I look to see how much progress I have made over the past several days, weeks, and months.
I replace comparing with gratitude - gratitude for what I have, what I have become, and what I can do from here. I am very fortunate. I am lucky and I am grateful.
Today brings me another chance to call a "do over."
No one holds me back. I replace a negative thought with a positive thought, knowing my mind can only carry one thought at a time. I dwell on that positive thought until the negative thought is diminished or has evaporated.

Hoping you are well.

Taking Action - My Affirmations

2009-02-17T06:34:00.004-05:00

Al-Anon says; "Figuring it out, is not an Al-Anon slogan." However, doing nothing is not an Al-Anon slogan either. In Al-Anon we can confuse "turning it over to our HP" or "letting go" or "Live and Let Live" with "just sit there."

But this is not the case. You and I have to do the leg work. In our disease - and battling alcoholism - we become caught up in the fight which gives the alcoholism more power. To me it was like fighting the devil. It sounds weird, but in the middle of this craziness I became - well - friggin' crazy.

I thought about the disease and the craziness in my house and I cannot ever explain to anyone just how insane it was. I remembered this morning the insanity of worry, dread, hurt, aloneness, and suppressed anger.

When I started going to meetings and seeking help, I tried detaching. I in effect, tried to do nothing.

I have this thing now, where I am not working but perhaps 50% of what I used to work, because I have tried to "do nothing" more often. In fact, in many cases I do nothing more than I take action. It's almost like I am paralyzed. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Because I was usually doing something in the NOW - for something in the future. I therefore was not enjoying the NOW.

Now, I need to do more for the future. In fact I just built this PowerPoint presentation for a meeting next week. I had a few good ideas and I needed to capture them. I started to feel this rush that I need to obsess with doing more for the future. It is an old behavior that I am not sure I am ready to engage with again.

However, I know I need to take action on many things. I was never a procrastinator, but now I feel in some way I am procrastinating more. I feel lethargic more often than I used to. I feel too detached in some ways.

So here is a list of affirmations to help me focus on what to take action on, and what I should just leave alone. I hope this helps you.

Taking Action

I act rather than not act on the things I know I have to do
I write down what I need to do and then I review the list and I prioritize the list based upon: What is important to do right now. What is urgent but not important; What can be delegated or can wait until tomorrow. (Actually I have a much more defined system but this is enough for you right now)
I work on only the important items right away.
I review my list mid-day and at the end of the day to see progress and feel good about what was done.
I focus all my energies on the task before me and waste no time thinking about the outcome. (this one was very new and foreign to me! I always thought about the outcome)
When I focus on the task, I am achieve gratifying results.
I know often spectacular results come only after I have pushed myself beyond where I thought I could go.
I know like the marathon runner gets a "Second wind," I may find success is simply a matter of a little extra try.
I know fear of failure is usually out of defensiveness, since we don't want people to laugh at us.
I know I may avoid embarrassment by refusing to put myself into situations where failure might be a possible outcome.
By depriving myself of a chance to fail, I deprive myself of a chance to succeed. I end up risking and doing nothing rather than risk anything at all.
I know this puts me in perpetual limbo.
I can gain valuable perspective on myself if I control my defensiveness.
I know this means I make a habit of getting into uncomfortable situations and feelings and refuse to blame others for these.
I know I am not the project, I am not a failure if the project fails.
I always strive to do, and enjoy the doing, by staying focused on the action, like a mountain climber stays focused on each step he takes.

The next post will be about my favorite; "comparison."

Take care.

Controlling My Thoughts - My Affirmations

2009-02-16T05:49:00.005-05:00

More affirmations gained through my reading and Al-Anon. Here is a section on "Thinking." Thinking can be my best friend or my worst enemy. Gaining control over my thoughts is probably the most important thing I can do. All these affirmations are designed for me to focus on the positive and put the negative into perspective. Notice I said "put the negative into perspective." It's not about eliminating the negative, which I would have placed a bet on two years ago. I have learned that the more I try to eliminate negative thoughts the more power I give my negative thoughts.

Controlling My Thoughts;

I decide what my brain is going to think about just as I decide how my arm is under my control.
I decide what I am going to think about.
I learn to choose what to think about so I can control my responses and this gives me real self-confidence.
I know the only person I can change is me.
I control the smallest and insignificant actions of my daily life.
I use self-observation: Do I feel tense?; Do I feel scared?
I then go into self-control. I calm myself in the midst of misfortune and nervousness. I am able to gain calm.
I know the calm person has far better chances of success in all areas of life than someone who is prey to a thousand tricks and turns of emotion.
I know this is exemplified when faced with a threatening situation; I should strive for balance and poise;
- I hold off a moment before talking or responding to someone who offends.
- I think before responding in anger or retreating in sullenness.
- I should have enough confidence to temper my anxieties with reason.
- I know only this brings clarity and patience into my view of the situation.
I know the tragedy and the beauty of human consciousness is; "We live in the mind."
I influence the kinds of experiences I have in the world by learning to program and select my thoughts.
I know approaching things from a negative viewpoint is giving me two strikes before I even step up to the plate.
I know the person who habitually predicts success has a far greater chance of achieving it.

That's it for today.

Thanks for the kind words everyone has given me. It has meant a lot to me as I go through - what is for me - uncharted territories - and an emotional drain.

My brain manufactures a lot of my hostility and negativity however. And I need to get my thinking under my control.

And the words expressed here have helped me believe I have a lot of friends I have yet to meet.

Thank you all and best wishes.

Life Is A Journey To Be Lived Forward - My Affirmations

2009-02-13T05:48:00.005-05:00

This is the 3rd part of a lot of parts of "My Affirmations." I wrote these down in one of my many zillion notebooks. But unlike my other notebooks, these are written in the "Anything" notebook - the 4 by 6 inch version - something I can carry around and reread.

I reread these - all the parts which are not yet posted - out loud this morning. I can tell you it DID make me feel more in control. More in control of my mind and my emotions - or - attitude is probably the better word.

Here is part 3;

Life Is A Journey To Be Lived Forward

I live life in the present moment.
I remember that life is a marathon, not a sprint.
I know the journey of life is in front of me, not behind me.
I know yesterday's results are history.
I am not in control of yesterday and therefore cannot change yesterday.
I do not rest on my laurels. I move forward. I do something everyday - even if it is just one little thing - that is positive and aimed at achieving a goal I have set for myself.
I know over time, one thing a day, adds up to a lot of actions over the course of a year, and much more over the course of 5 years and 10 years.
I know people who rest on their laurels or past successes are in far worse shape than those who have tried something and failed, for they are no longer growing and learning.
I know the real key to success is resilience, the ability to bounce back from defeat, from failure, from adversity and trials.
I know successful Olympic athletes - champions - common mark of success was their lack of a fear of failure.
I know - in fact - that champions are stimulated by their failures.
I know these champions go on with the race.
I also know that true champions are not distracted by their successes.
I am stimulated by my failures, mistakes and adversities.
I learn to laugh at these and look forward to today and tomorrow, and dwell on yesterday.
I see every failure and mistake as a test.
I detach myself from the event - for I am not the event - the event is the event and I am me.
I bounce back fast, using it as immediate feedback without dwelling on it as an embarrassment.
I am prepared for discouragements.
I visualize my life as a long distance run.
I visualize the run whereby I am continually revising my strategy based on feedback.
I do not keep score. I do not tally up victories or defeats.
I write m own script for my future and what I want to be.
The day I pick a goal and start working toward achieving it, I begin to control my own life.
I know the goal is not important, but marshaling my energies to choose one is important is, well as the effort and energies expended to achieve it.
When I begin, I keep moving. I don't second guess. I don't look back. I do it. I advance - I go forward.
I try to cover as much territory toward my goal as possible.

I know, that's a lot of affirmations today. Plus you have the 2 from the past 2 days. Yes, use them all. Print them out and read them. Out loud. In Starbucks if you have to. Hell, they will give you a free coffee if you are "crazy" enough to attempt it probably.

By the way, I bought one of these Starbucks cards - where you keep "recharging" the card with dollars. Anyway, the tightwad in me thinks I make/save money because I get free refills on my coffee when I go there (which is not often unless traveling). Yes, I save 50 cents on the 1 refill they give you. With the card, I get as many refills as I want - for free. I am single-handedly driving Starbucks' stock price into the ground. And, I am wired for sound when I leave there.

Peace to you today. And tomorrow. Yesterday is gone. Only today, this moment is what life is about.

Turning Point - My Affirmations

2009-02-12T06:48:00.003-05:00

Here is a second set of affirmations. Combine this with yesterday's . . .

Turning Point

I know I can begin to change things by looking at my present situation as a turning point in my life.
I know this is the moment when I take the first steps toward leading a life in accord with my own unique desires.
I learn to solve my problems in accord with how I want to live my life.
I solve my problems based on what I want and not what others want.
I learn to trust what I want.
What I want is important.
I don't need anyone else's permission to seek what I want.

Using Difficult Times - My Affirmations

2009-02-11T08:07:00.004-05:00

Over the next few days and perhaps weeks, I am going to record some of my affirmations. They are a mixture of what I have read or heard in Al-Anon, Al-Anon related books and books I consider as great and have a lot of similarities to Al-Anon related material.

I read the affirmations below and was so inspired I raced back to the hotel to type them up. They are broken into sections. Here is section 1.

Using Difficult Times

I know efforts to eliminate tension can actually create more of it
I have learned to flow with anxiety rather than try to eliminate it.
I know my distress will not last forever.
Since my distress will not last forever I am better able to cope with pressure.
I remind myself that negative thoughts come from bottled up feelings which I may be reluctant to express, except toward myself (a great reason to go to Al-Anon meetings)
I set single minded goals, realizing there is no guarantee for success.
I know if I keep at it - and continue working on my goals, I will achieve a goal.
I use my present situation or suffering as preparation to achieve my goals.
I use suffering or a negative situation as a way to stimulate me toward positive action aimed at achieving my goals.
I know Lord Byron said; "Sorrows are our best educators. A man can see further through a tear than a telescope."
I know suffering can have its own virtue which usually leads to growth.
I know E.H. Chapin said; "Out of suffering emerge the strongest of souls."
I realize that by going through these difficult times now, I will gain greater self-awareness and develop a firmer sense of my own identity.

I hope these inspire you today and tomorrow. I am saving these affirmations under a new label called; My Affirmations. You can click on the right hand side labels to get all "My Affirmations" for you to read.

It is best to read these first thing in the morning and last thing before bed.

Read them alone. If you can, read them out loud. If you are in Starbucks, and you read them out loud, be prepared for strange looks. So, how do you avoid strange looks? Don't look.

So Real Quick, Here's Where I Am

2009-02-06T05:01:00.004-05:00

OKAY. I have so been so busy with work, I have not been able to go to any Al-Anon meetings, until this week and last weekend.

I am - well - I am not sure. My wife has been stirred up by her lawyer to go to court and not mediate. I want this to end.

We are fighting about house price, splitting of money, and wait 'til you hear this; who has to pay for the dog's baths and haircuts! Yep. Apparently the $80 a month haircuts I was screaming about when I was living in the house are now an issue for my soon-to-be ex-spouse. I used to say that our dog doesn't need an $80 haircut every month. But my wife, in her disease liked to spend the money.

My haircut, for the record is $16. Somehow I feel gypped (robbed, second class). And I would stretch that haircut to 5 weeks if I could brush the hair back around my ears.

I have in the past 5 months decided a haircut every 3 weeks is what I need.

Haircuts. What?!
Yep. Haircuts. Listen to what I was doing. I certainly had/have enough money for them. But I would not treat myself well. Interesting. Even as I write this, a haircut every 3 weeks sounds like pampering.

Speaking of pampering . . .
I met someone who asked me if I ever had a facial. "A what?!" was my reply. I found out through my scientific investigation that a lot of men get facials. And, get this, massages.

Yep. Never have. Maybe I should consider this. It's hard to allow other people to touch me. It feels. sounds, well, awkward.

Back to the meetings this week . . .
I am resentful. I want - well - peace. I saw this in my mind sitting there in the meetings yesterday and day before. My thinking is, without the meetings; "My wife is selfish and that is the disease. I cannot get untangled from this crazy person. She is pissed at times accusing me of abandoning her. Maybe I have. Maybe I freed myself from her so I could get well. I started off with the intention of protecting my/our child."

In the meetings, I see that I wound up seeing more clearly how I am the person I wound up protecting or saving. I am clearly better than I was living in the crazy zone.

I am - this is going to sound weird - more in touch with my feelings. This too comes from the meetings and sitting there, feeling myself and allowing the feelings come through and not cover them up. I know I am afraid of shit now. And that my anger or sharpness is based on fear. Fear seems to be at the root of my bad reactions and negative thoughts.

Don't get me wrong. I am a pretty happy person. I am positive - most of the time. But until this stuff is settled, I feel like I have an iron ball and chain around my leg.

Hmmmmm . . . .
"What if, this is meant to teach me something?" I now think this about question more often when something happens. "What if God, my Higher Power, has a plan for me. One I cannot see yet?" is the other question I get in my brain because of meetings.

That is what Al-Anon reminded me of this week. That I cannot see the plan - yet. Be patient. It all works out. Remember?

Last Night - at 3AM
Last night, no that's not true, this morning, I awoke. Yep, 3AM again. I asked God for help again. Guide me through this I asked. Help my wife and heal her anger. Heal her disease. Make her a happy person.

This thought stayed with me longer than I care to admit.

I am back to praying she is well. And, she finds a boy-friend. Yep. Maybe that would help her take her attention away from shoot arrows at me. The boy-friend thing is better than thinking of her being dead. You have to at least give me that.

Well, this morning I am praying for her to get well.

There was a reading yesterday in Al-Anon, about thinking. Someone shared "My best thinking got me into this mess. Now I don't go into that bad neighborhood alone anymore. I call my sponsor." I heard the " best thinking" thing before as well as the "neighborhood" thing. At least we are consistent at Al-Anon. Maybe not fresh in the new-idea department, but consistent.

Peace this day to you.

And this is where I am today.

What You May Learn

2009-02-04T06:16:00.003-05:00

OK. So this disease got me. I found a person who was an alcoholic. Just when I ran from home and went to college never to return except for Christmas, I am now running again. Far away from the disease. Except the disease is in me too. I may not be allergic to alcohol, but I have been infected - and inflicted and affected.

I expressed my love in my marriage by "allowing" my wife to write checks out of what we both thought was my personal checking (it turns out that it is ours under marital statutes). And the checks I "allowed" her to write were paying off the bills.

I now have found a bunch of checks from 1995 to the near present where she was writing checks to herself! Yikers! Normally I would be pissed. Or should I be pissed. These are not small checks either. They are for $1,000, $1,600, $3,000, $2,600, $1,500. A lot of these size checks. Not $100 here or $150 there. And I don't have all the checks - I may have about 5% of them.

I never paid attention. The joint account grew, it just seemed not to grow as fast as I thought it should and would and could.

Now I know why. She was writing checks to herself. And it didn't stop there.

She had her own personal AMEX Card. I see now she was paying from our joint account at $1,600, $1880, $450, etc. too. A lot of these too. I mean almost every month. What the hell was she buying????

My "trust" was to allow her to take care of the bills while I worked.

But you may think, as my lawyers do/did, "you are an idiot."

But, in my defense, I did not know she was an alcoholic!!! I just thought she had - I am sorry - PMS 25 out of the 30/31 days a month. In my defense, she comes from a very good family. A family worth - several million dollars. Who would have thought an alcoholic could come from such a nice home??

And she has several hundred thousand of her own money. Her money really grew over the years AND now I know why!!

Now you would think that this would be easy to figure out in court and mediation. Wouldn't you? Nope. No one wants to look at the details. No one gives a shit about details.

And just for the record - all lawyers aren't that frickin' smart either. Some are - some aren't.

Man - divorce sucks. It is an emotional drainer. I am dealing with an alcoholic on the other side of the table who is "pissed that I left her." But what about me??? She left me!! She was drinking all these years - a closet drinker - whom I thought had an "equilibrium problem" and/or a PMS problem. ALL THESE YEARS?!

Now as we separate the finances, she wants more of my money. She wants me to suffer. So my disease wants me to think. I almost feel like giving in. Then at Al-Anon I shared and a guy came up to me later and told me about his partner. And the advice from his sponsor "Don't give way because you feel guilty or you mistake compassion for 'allowance' - you have to stand up and fight for yourself."

OK. Good advice. I needed to hear that. My therapist told me the same about 6 months ago. Don't you quit!!

It will either work out or it will work out.

2009-01-26T05:23:00.003-05:00

Here is a poem I read and think about. I heard it from a Canadian - now a US citizen - named Brian Tracy.

The third - is it "stanza?" - or "verse?" - is less known.

I have this somewhat memorized - especially the second verse, beginning with - "Life is queer with it's twists and turns . . ." This rings true for me. It reminds me that things that seem bad now - are not really bad in the long run. In fact, they turn out to be good.

The poem has gotten me through some tough parts of life. I opened up on of my repeatable journals - books where I copy text and make notes of certain books I like and reread them - and saw this poem this morning.

It made me feel good. Read this, print it out and post it on your refrigerator or in your journal. I think you may be able to use this.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Author Unknown -

Accepting

2009-01-25T08:46:00.002-05:00

Accepting where you are right now.

Accepting to me used to mean - giving up, giving in, or saying, "What's the use?"

Accepting means to me today, I am happy and satisfied with what I am, what I have and living now in the present. What a change. A word that had such a negative connotation to being a word that is positive and fulfilling.

If I can accept - and not crave or desire for what ought to be, I am a much happier person. I don't compare, judge, evaluate, or wish for something different.

Just for Today: Try to accept where you are, what you have and not wish for something to be different. Even better, try not wishing for someone else to be different.

I'm bAAck

2009-01-24T08:46:00.002-05:00

Good morning-

I have had a lot of pressure to deal with. Child custody mediation. What a nightmare. Because there are no DUIs/DWIs - there is no evidence of a problem drinker. I am made to look like the nut case.

Isn't that one of the real issues with this disease? We are made to look like we are overreacting, which we probably do at times, a little crazy and obsessed - which we are at times too.

We are made to feel - inferior. We are made to feel like we are less than.

No one outside the alcoholic home knows what we go through. I am 6' 4" - and this little woman - 5' 5" looks innocent compared to me and my deep voice. I am made out to be the bad guy. Especially since I can get pissed off, I all of a sudden have "anger problems." A nice 2009 cultural label that one cannot fend off very well. Something that is more "apparent" than an alcoholic driving and drinking with children in the car.

Okay. So that sounded like victim language.

But I am not. I was given less custody by the guardian ad litem (GAL) - the court appointed attorney we requested. I was really pissed.

But I prayed. And I really did. In the mediation, the GAL changed his mind a week after he told the parties of his findings - in the meeting after my deposition.

Prayer does work. I must remember faith and compassion for the universe and God of my understanding.

Compassion for all and especially ME!

It's almost over. Next is the money division. My wife is very rich and will become even richer because of inheritance. I fear I will lose a lot of my assets and she will have 2X money and soon 5X.

I worry and pray again. I came from a poor family. I am fortunate and grateful to have worked my head and butt off. I have brothers who are a doctor, an entrepreneur, an exec and a sister who is in sales. We all made it out of poverty so to speak - and now we don't have to worry where the next meal is coming from.

I worry about being poor again - even though I know I won't. But I have this vision or fear of living in a dilapidated apartment that is dark and dingy. I saw one of these apartments last week on my way to the mediation. My stomach went empty and my heart jumped. I could visualize myself in the apartment - dark, watching TV .... it scared me.

I worry and I pray for peace and this coming to an end.

Prayer - which I never did really - until about 1.5 years ago - has been a great soother for me.

I have been out of town working - a management kick-off meeting - in San Antonio TX. We worked from Sunday to Thursday - 15 hours a day. The Riverwalk was very nice and great architecture - saw this for about an hour one day - the only hour for down time.

Peace this Saturday and weekend to you all.

A Note I Made To Myself

2009-01-12T06:03:00.003-05:00

I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.

I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.

Here is the sentence I captured;

"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."

Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?

There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;

"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."

Not Everything Goes According To Plan

2009-01-10T13:21:00.002-05:00

OK. Yesterday - was okay - in some ways it sucked. I was provoked by the alcoholic and by her attorney. And I provoked. And I argued back.

Arguing with an alcoholic's attorney. Now that is a new concept for Al-Anon. I think my wife's attorney was surprised. My attorney was surprised - for sure. My disease is I was so used to arguing with the alcoholic - arguing with a semi-sane person was/is actually fun.

Yes. I know. I shouldn't have. I am sort of beating myself up this morning and at the same time, realizing everything is as it is for a reason.

Everything is as it was meant to be.

There is comfort in that.

Holding Your Thoughts

2009-01-06T07:19:00.003-05:00

Today I am working on holding my positive thoughts and overriding my worries.

I am a little anxious. Friday I go to mediation with my wife and the lawyers. The lawyers want money - our money. I pray for God's will and that I see it and my wife sees it. I am strategizing how the mediation will go as my wife is very well-to-do and has family money. But as I have learned, I have to let go of the outcome and allow God - my Higher Power - to step in.

I am not in control of the outcome - but I can do the necessary steps to prepare.

I am much happier than I was a year ago. I know everything that has happened has a reason.

I am very blessed and fortunate. When I allow my feelings to turn to gratitude and feeling blessed, I feel less anxious.

I have not been to a meeting since Friday. My schedule is off. I will go today at noon.

Hope you all are well.

New Year - A Chance To Begin Again (A Do Over)

2009-01-01T08:02:00.007-05:00

It's a New Year. A chance to begin again. A "do-over" in life. I used to think I would have to wait until the New Year to begin something for real - like a diet - because the New Year made it feel more "official."

Actually, every moment is a chance to begin. A chance to change course. A chance to - start all over again - without the guilt and burdens of the imperfect things you have done or may have said.

Removing the Burdens of the Past
You are in my way of thinking - perfect. There should be (I know "should be") no burdens of the past. With no burdens of the past - aren't we perfect?

There is a lot of talk in Al-Anon that we are not perfect. Here is where I disagree.

I believe we are perfect. What we do or what we say is not perfect. I am connected to my Higher Power and created so that goodness flows through me. I am a human being, living in a world of other human beings and my reactions to them and to the circumstances of "life" are not always in harmony or balance.

The teachings of Al-Anon help me center and react to the stresses of life more perfectly. The works of Al-Anon help teach me what is right or more right than how I used to respond.

If I can shed my disease of thinking too much - I can be a much better person - not to others and for the "sake of humanity," but - for me. This in and of itself is a break through. The words, "for me" are strangers to my lips and my mind. I have always reacted for others. I have been a caretaker, caregiver, advice giver, counsellor, fixer.

Changing and A Do-Over
I am changing. I now know I can claim a do-over. Now. Officially. For this is a New Year.

Yes - I am changing my thought patterns - with new thought patterns. One of the areas I am changing is I have become more open. Or so I believe. Let me give you what I think is a big example of my changing;

I have a friend who believes in Numerology. I would have thought this person was nuts. But I listened, read this person book on it and it was - well - interesting. I was a "number 1." Not surprisingly. But my "number 1" put me at odds with others - especially other "number 1's." I won't go into the details - because this is not the point of whether this is believable or not - but what is, is the fact that I would have thought this was crazy.

So, back to a do-over. As a kid, I grew up in the northeast. We would play baseball, football, kickball, and board games and whatever - all day. A do-over is when you swung and missed and claimed a "do-over" for some unexplained reason. Or you moved a piece on the board and it was a huge error and for some reason - like you had not been paying attention - claimed this "Do-over thing."

So, today - I am claiming a "Do Over" - officially. This do over thing gives me permission to change, steer the ship on a smoother course. The Time Machine (above picture) is of course not real and we cannot go back in time to undo stuff that we feel we may have done that has harmed us or others. But the Time Machine is symbolic in that we can "do over" now whatever we want by beginning to Let Go (there's that slogan again - See yesterday's post below) of the past. If I can let go of the past, the past cannot rock my ship like waves banging against the hull. The path I take or course, if I can follow this damn metaphor properly, is smoother without the past banging against the side of my ship, (my brain), trying sink me.

The past is a burden we carry around that keeps us from enjoying this second, this moment. It causes us (me!!!) to think we are (I am) not perfect and therefore should be punished (my guilt) or not forgiven because we are unworthy of being forgiven.

What "Perfect" Does For Me
I have come to believe we all are perfect. And the moment we live in - I live in - is perfect - because this is where I am supposed to be and I cannot undo God's Will. That everything I have done or what has happened is and was out of my control more often than not and to hold that thought helps me ease off on the brakes of my life and helps me accept myself and others. It releases.

The gift of the program about not being perfect - and this what I believe Al-Anon is really trying to teach me is that it is helping me understand that we are all imperfect and if so, we are all okay - especially me! And this MEANS YOU!!! And you know who you are as you read this! You are okay and will be okay.

It is a hard concept to understand and my brain, ego, previous programming, does not want me to look at myself in this way. My disease wants to call attention to the stupid stuff I did or hurtful things I have said or what I believe other have done to me. That is my burden. That is what I am shedding and calling a do-over on.

Last - this thought entered my mind - if I can just shut up most of the time - I can be of no harm to myself. What do I mean? I have this tendency to verbalize my thoughts. I "think out loud." When I hear myself think - I go - okay, I get it. Later, however, I sound stupid or say something stupid and I am perceived as a little weird. I am learning - even at my age - this is not a great thing to do at work. Especially with all the left brainers I work with.

Shut Up and HALT (so I don't call a do-over)
But more importantly - to shut up when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The tired thing trips me up a lot lately. It used to be angry, but I understand my anger now. Now I am just not sleeping fully or resting fully. So when that happens, my propensity to "think out loud" occurs more often and my guard is down, and then I say something that is not the most intelligent. And, when I am tired, I am quick to anger. My anger spews forth in words I am soon to regret and in reality have no real baring on what or how I feel toward another person. This is another place where I wish I could do immediate "do overs."

Thank God for Al-Anon. I am seeing the speed bumps on my path of life more clearly. And the speed bumps are usually what I have placed in the road - not someone else's.

Amazing.

So, officially, I am Letting Go and claiming a "do over."

Letting Go - On New Years

2008-12-31T07:09:00.006-05:00

Letting Go - a powerful concept.

I just placed into my God box a note asking for help in "letting go" and gaining peace and serenity this week. Then I go to Robert Anthony's book - by the way - not approved by the Al-Anon conference - and open up the page and there is a whole section on letting go.

Life and Al-Anon work this way for me now. The synchronicity thing . . .

I am going to quote from it and paraphrase what is means to me this morning.

"Whenever we get a strong belief, whenever we think that what we know is the truth, we then lock onto that belief as a defense against conflicting beliefs. We cannot hold conflicting beliefs in our mind without anxiety or distress. So what we do is gather supportive data and information to prove we are right and not crazy for believing what we believe. This can work against us in seeking out the truth because we operate in accord with the truth as we see it and not as it is.

Sometimes we hold on to opinions, attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve us. This is why we must examine our beliefs on a regular basis to see where we might be lying to ourselves or locking out information that may be more relevant. Why don’t we do this? We lock out the truth because we don't want to be wrong, make a mistake, or feel bad."

The words, "to prove we are right" hits me this morning. In my battle against alcoholism - my wife who is the alcoholic - I knew in my heart and intuition something was wrong. My wife, told me lies and made me think I was wrong. I fought to prove I was right. Now I lock onto my opinions and try to prove my "opinions" are right in normal, every day life - probably out of habit - but mostly out of feeling "less than" or insignificant.

I really don't think I do this as often as I did - in fact - I think I do this very rarely - but - I may be wrong. I need to look out for when I am tired.

I was tired last night. A person asked me out to a New Years celebration. I couldn't go and in reality -didn't want to. I am not a partying person right now. I know - boring. But I couldn't help but hear these words and start my judgment with this person . . .

She said, "I want to be around people and sip champagne . . ." I am saying to myself, "Why?"

I have no desire to do this. I locked onto this and started my questioning of her "desire" which was a form of judgment. It was on the phone that we had this conversation. This makes it doubly bad. My voice is deep and resonate. It can sound - well - hard. I am not hard - but when I am tired, I come across - well - I dislike admitting it - bad. I sounded controlling. I was manipulative in my questions.

This person is a nice person. Different values. Different desires. I said I wasn't going - and couldn't. I just should have "let go." And of course - I am beating myself up for my slip of judging. New Years was never a great time for me.

I had conflicting beliefs - because the truth is - I did want to go. I couldn't and shouldn't. I have stopped all alcohol intake. Not because I am an alcoholic - but because it scares the crap out of me now that I have seen its power and cunningness.

I am afraid of all who drink. I am afraid of anyone I might be attracted to. I know this disease could pop up again in my life. I am - afraid of it - no . . . scared shitless of it.

I am letting go today - because it is out of my "control."

Blueprint for Progress (Original Version-1976)

2008-12-29T13:58:00.002-05:00

This was sent to me by a good friend in the program. She said this was one of her favorites. She has been in the program for - I think - 20 years plus. A smart and sensitive person, she has much wisdom.

Here is what she sent - exactly;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blueprint for Progress (Original Version-1976)

Maturity – p. 31

Maturity is simply being grown up. It is the quality in people which helps them to balance their intellects and their emotions so that their behavior is appropriate. The ability to do the right thing at the right time requires a clear-eyed view of situations and people and an understanding of human limitations.

Mature people resist extremes, have realistic self-images and reasonable goals, and have learned to accept responsibility for their own actions. The only expectations they have are for themselves. The only inventories they take are their own.

Maturity – p. 34

Maturity is the growing awareness that you are neither all powerful nor helpless. It could be said to be the knowledge of what is, what might be, and what cannot be. It is not a destination; it is a road. It is the moment when you wake up after some grief or staggering blow and think, “I’m going to live, after all.” It is the moment when you find that something you have long believed is not so; and, parting with old convictions you find that you are still you; the moment you discover that someone else can do your job as well as you – but you go on doing it anyway; the moment you do the thing you have always been afraid of; the moment you realize that you are forever alone, but so is everyone else; and the hundred moments when you see yourself as you are. It is letting life happen in its own good order and making the most of what there is. It is “Letting go and letting God.”

Resentment

2008-12-23T07:13:00.003-05:00

Being provoked, when I read some one's comments, I said, "Ah yes, the alcoholic's primary weapon." Damn. I continue to be provoked.

This past weekend, late Friday to be precise, my spouse had her attorney send a fax to my attorney about two bills that were supposedly late - that supposedly I had not paid. I saw the fax, freaked out, and was down and depressed Friday and had this constant undertone of worry throughout the weekend.

Monday, I called both places. Both people said I was paid in full.

Okay. I breathed. I was relieved. But throughout the weekend, I was - well - worried and freaked. I was full of anger and bitterness. I even spoke to my spoke. No, that's not accurate. I fired back. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't even necessary - or so I found out Monday. Two bills - one was $3o bucks - that was supposedly late. Two lawyers - charging $300 per hour - who knows how much that cost. Of course, I told her that. And of course the conversation drifted to her accusing me of stuff and of course I told her that what she is doing is because of alcoholism. And of course, we were both fired up.

And of course, here I am, Tuesday morning looking back at this colossal waste of energy and emotion and stress.

Looking back at what I could have done - and somethings I did do to relieve it.

I called my sponsor Friday night. I could tell he was busy. He told me I was doing the right thing by calling him and going to a meeting . . .

So when I called him, I was looking for this Friday meeting - Friday night - who would have ever thought I would be not at some "bar" on a Friday if I was single. Now I post this because this is my old thinking that if I was single on a Friday that I would have to go out with some buddies and entertain ourselves . . . but since I don't drink and bars are not where you find peace and serenity . . . And who the heck would ever have thought that I would be looking for peace and serenity?????

So, on Friday's I look for Al-Anon meetings - not bars. Not social scenes. But Al-Anon meetings. What a funny thing to post. Funny equaling - well - strange. But - maybe - well just funny.

My life has turned for the better.

I am going through a rough time. The holidays ARE stressful. We - or I - have this map in my head of what Christmas is supposed to be. It is this Norman Rockwell postcard picture of snow and a family decorating the tree. With friends coming over later - for - well - even Norman I think has this in a picture somewhere - eggnog with - alcohol mixed in. Well maybe he doesn't. But in my head he does.

But back to this crazy stupid thing that I ALLOWED to occur IN MY HEAD.

I was full of anger - resentment - bitterness - all masking worry. I was not able to find that meeting Friday night. And since I had my child most of the weekend - could not get to another meeting.

So here I am - this morning - realizing that - I have not been to a meeting in - what - 5 days? Let's see; Thursday, Friday or was I at the noon meeting Friday - I think I was - Saturday? Nope. Sunday or Monday? No and no.

I need a meeting.

Back to this anger. It is resentment. I resent being done unto (the fax). I resent being blamed for the divorce. She is saying ALL the neighbors know that I am a bastard. Of course I respond (retaliate), "Tell them to come talk to me and I can show the documents of this and that and why I am getting a divorce . . . blah, blah, blah."

Okay. So I am in recovery. I explaining that I can forget. Slip. Falter. And harbor ill-wills.

Resentment. I like what I have heard others say over and over about this harboring of ill-wills called resentment;

"Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die."

Yep. It sure is. My stress level was up - WAAAY up Saturday. I allowed my peace and serenity to be broken.

Sure, life is easier for me. I am out of the abuse of the alcoholics throw of words. Today I can just hang up the phone.

Okay the phone is ringing - it's my soon to be ex-spouse . . .

Being Provoked and Responding

2008-12-21T20:21:00.002-05:00

I forgot about this word - "provoked."

It's so much easier to be out of the house of a raging alcoholic. I forgot how the alcoholic provokes and picks - until you cannot take it any more and you respond in retaliation.

While I am out of the house now, I am still being provoked, but no where the same amount and no where the same intensity. Some how, I still respond. Why the hell do I do this?

I am tired of the fighting - I want some peace. My soon to be ex-wife is accusing me of sleeping with my attorney's paralegal. Yes, she is nice looking. No, I am not sleeping with her.

Some how, the alcoholic - my soon to be ex - is so convincing, that I have to ask myself if I am sleeping with her.

Yes I do hang up now when I hear this bashing of how I am cheating. But not always. I defend by saying "I am not." When I defend, I am as good as dead.

I need to relax and detach. I need to chill tonight and this week. And why in the world do I have this compulsion to defend????

Healed or Be Justified - Your Choice

2008-12-13T07:42:00.003-05:00

In recovery I have learned many things. Learning is one thing. Practicing these and making them part of me is another (i.e. Living them). Here is a phase/sentence that is profound for me. I hope it resonates with you.

"You can either be justified or be healed. But you cannot do both."

I like that quote. It resonated with me this morning. Justification hangs on to negative, unrealistic and irrational thoughts. Justification makes my mind allow sickness to stay. Justification puts my life "on hold." It keeps me living in the past.

I let go of all justification. It keeps me rooted in the past and is associated with negative energy.

You've Already Won

2008-12-13T06:40:00.004-05:00

I read every morning. I find if I can concentrate on something positive without being sidetracked, I set sail for a more peaceful day.

Being Worthy And Deserving
Here what I read this morning.

If you cannot accept yourself - accept that you are worthy and deserving - then you cannot accept the behavior of other people and are therefore in judgment of them.

Wow. Not accepting myself as worthy and deserving sets me up as a judger of others [I know, "judger" no such thing - but it 6:40AM on Saturday!].

Here is another little sentence that caught my eye and my mind. I've read it a dozen times in the past 5 months;

If you are judging others and not accepting yourself as worthy, then you are dwelling on lack and limitation.

Scarcity Thinking Leads Me To Control or Fear Based Thinking
Okay. I get it. I am sitting on the negative, scarcity side of my mind and looking at life through a lens of poverty, lack and limitation; or things I don't have and then look for more - so I can set myself up for more scarcity, which essentially leads me to more fear based thinking.

Another sentence - right after the last one;

By dwelling on lack and limitation - you are limiting yourself and consequently making decisions that are based on fear. Your thinking goes; What will they think? What will they do? What will they say?

It's All ABout Me and My Thinking
YIKERS!!! I see it in me! I start by thinking scarcity. I take a slow step by step into obsessive NEGATIVE thinking - about things I cannot control. And then I might set myself up to try to control this behavior of others or things outside myself, which I cannot, and I know I cannot.

Recovery: Trading Control For Fear?
If I begin to recover, I stop the controlling behavior of myself over others. So, I begin to see that I stop trying to control. This is where I think I first recognized that when I stopped trying to control the behavior of others and the outcome I learned I was powerless. BUT and this is a BIG BUT - now I realize I cannot control - but now FEAR Comes In!!!!!

Recovery: The NEXT Step?
If I realize, I am already OKAY - I am already whole, complete and perfect (what I do is not perfect - but if I truly believe in a HP - my HP has allowed me the grace to be imperfect which makes me perfect. Does that make sense?].

No Longer Having To Win The Approval of Others
The mere fact that my HP has "allowed" me to live in this world and experience it first hand tells me I have already Won. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need the acceptance of others. I don't need to get the opinions of others to state I am okay and worthy. I am already worthy; therfore I have won. I no longer need to try to win the approval of others.

I need to print this post out. Tape it to the end of a stick. And then tape the other end of the stick to my head so I reread this everyday for the next 21 days.

Peace and serenity to all this weekend

Identification With The Outcome

2008-12-12T06:22:00.002-05:00

One of the greatest things I have learned in the program is that I identify with the outcome I want and desire.

Seeing the Outcome In My Mind
I find that if I visualize an outcome, I place my self-esteem and self-worth in that specific thing I am trying to produce. When it doesn't come about, or people are not "acting" in the manner I desire, I feel bad. In the past, I would try harder to convince them that my way was right.

Today I am much better - or so I believe. I think that today, some things really, truly, don't matter. They don't. And other times, I may get 50% of what I was expecting, but now I see that the other part I "didn't get," - well - it is probably better that it ended up differently.

Today I go into the office. I have new pressures and problems. I have a million issues to tackle. Some I am avoiding. When I don't accomplish all of them I am not beating myself up or feeling guilty.

I Am What I Am
I am slowly learning that I am what I am (the old Popeye song). I am not other things. I am not other people's opinions and expectations. I am not what others perceive what God wants for me. I am not the newspapers' version of reality. I am not my clothes, my car, rented house, I am not my daughter's opinion of me, or my attorney's opinion of me, or my soon to be ex-spouse's opinion, and sometimes - no - almost mostly - I am not my own opinion of me.

Experiencing This Mystery Called Life
I just am. I am a being - placed on this little hairball orbiting the sun - and I really - if there is a "should" - I should be grateful I am here on it and grateful to experience the ups and downs of this mystery called life. It truly is a mystery - this life thing. How wonderful to have experienced it and be experiencing it - close up and personal.

When I stop identifying with the outcome, I start to remove a mask, and just be. Just be - be experiencing this thing called life.

Letting Go

2008-12-10T06:29:00.005-05:00

I went to a noon day Al-Anon meeting. I sat there with my mouth closed and I prayed.

I have been doing a lot of praying lately. I have never been a pray-er before Al-Anon.

About a year and a half ago a therapist my wife and I were seeing, told me to go to Al-Anon. My wife had stormed out of the meeting - she was drunk and neither the therapist nor me recognized that she was blitzed until 40 minutes into the session.

Spiritual
He said - "Are you a spiritual person?" My thoughts were: Are you freaking crazy???!! I have a wife who drives around town drunk with children in the car. Are you asking me to worship some sort of thing?!

I had no clue what spiritual meant. I think about this now as I type this. You see I forgot about this - and the question the therapist asked me. And I forgot how the question triggered in me a sense of - "Are you for freakin' real???"

The Al-Anon Meeting - Letting Go
But this post is about letting go. The topic was Progress not Perfection and Letting Go. Everyone commented on Progress. I don't think I am a perfection addict. I would like to be seen as brilliant - is that perfection? Maybe.

My Burning Issue of the Week
I sat in the room and listened - but I prayed to "let go." I was obsessing over my wife's comments from the morning before - she said the counsellor at school was very disturbed about my daughter's comments about me and she - the counselor - was going to call the state's Family and Child Protective Services on me. Now, you talk about fear? I left the conversation with my wife with so much fear - I was calling everyone. I finally got hold of the school counsellor and she said, "What? I have no thoughts about calling them. What I can tell is you are providing consequences for your child's bad behavior." I have taken her cell phone away for a day or two at a time, taken away computer privileges and one time - no - two times sent her to her room. I could not be seen as an oger or some weirdo that needs the state to be brought in. But the alcoholic - or the alcoholism - will lie. It will outfox the most brilliant. And it has staying power. Just when you let your guard down - BAMM! You are on the ropes.

Letting Go and Compassion
Anyway - I am letting go. Or trying to. I find that if I can feel compassion for my wife - the anger dissipates. Look, she is ill. She is stressed about the divorce as well. Yes, she has plenty of money. Yes, she chooses not to work. Yes, she is mad at me. All of these things are none of my business and - I don't need to think about them - (but I do!). She does what I call "mean things." Yep - mean equals setting me up about this calling the state Child Protective Services. Yep. And I think she is manipulating our child. Yep. But what can I do? She is - frankly - sick.

So, I feel compassion for her - when I want to heal. Yes, is compassion for her - or is it for me? I used to think it was for the alcoholic. But in reality, it is for me. Because I can let go by using or thinking with compassion. It may be the best tool I have - for me!

I am - in recovery - and damn proud of it. If I obsess or get into her head - is that going to help me or hurt me? I know the answer; it's going to hurt me. It will loop me back to old behavior. My ego is addicted to the old behavior and wants me to go back there.

Letting go is knowing I have no control of the past, nor what others are doing or saying.

A Couple of Quotes
I have a couple of quotes from Robert Anthony here. I hope they help you today;

Everything you have not cleared up from the past is running your life now.
What you have today is the result of your ideas yesterday.
You limit yourself in being stuck in your possessions and accomplishments.
The decisions we made in order to survive when we were 8 years old are the decisions we allow to run our lives now.
We learn to be happy by healing our fears.
The "art of release" can be very healing in that we learn to let of that which does not belong to us.
Actually, we don't own anything. Everything in our lives tend to circulate in and out of our experience.

Letting go of the past. Especially the things we used to survive. And we don't own anything. If I can hold onto those two thoughts forever, I feel some consolation? Is that the right word?

I came into the world with nothing and I will leave the world with nothing.

I don't need to be anything for anyone. I just need to be. Be me.

Hope you are well

Friday's Lesson (For Me)

2008-12-06T05:59:00.003-05:00

I had a tough event the other day. We had a divorce event - the deposition of my wife.

It was - in a word - horrible. The grilling that came about from the lying, made the event much longer.

I had a headache during and after the event, because I am an Al-Anoner. I felt for her. I empathized. I wanted to "rescue" her. Just tell the truth and this wouldn't take so long.

The next day I was called an SOB by the wife.

I wanted to reach out talk to her, tell her I was sorry. I wanted to scold my lawyer. I wanted to get everyone happy again. Sounds ridiculous of course.

Fortunately my sponsor answered my call. He was shopping at the grocery store (he is a stay at home dad). It was about 9AM. He was somewhere in the cereal aisle.

I told him about my wanting to fix. I was "jumping around in the squirrel cage," he said. Beautiful observation.

He also said, "This is a disease of arguments." Also beautiful. It sure is.

He also said, "I heard the other night, "I bought this frame, now if I could only get this picture to fit." Hmmm. Interesting. Yep. I have this filter or lens of how I see the world and I want the world to fit my point of view.

He said, "Joe, write out on paper everything you feel in unmanageable. Everything from your attorney's fees, your wife's feelings, your wife's calling you an SOB, to your daughter's saying she hates you, and everything else. And you can put it in your God box or shred it or whatever. Just write it down and get it out of your head."

Simple instruction. Simple action. There was resistance from my ego which said, "Don't write it down or else I will have nothing else to obsess about." Yep. I wrote it down. It was virtually gone from my mind. And I was able to clear the wanting to call everyone and "make it right."

Today I am grateful. I have a program. I have a sponsor. I am very lucky.

12th Step - Having A Spiritual Awakening

2008-12-02T05:37:00.004-05:00

Last night I went to a meeting - and the topic was on the 12th Step;

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I sat quietly in this meeting. I sat quietly - which is some what unusual for me - because I couldn't think of anything really "smart" to say (my ego wants to sound smart and impress others), and because I was tired. I realize now, that when I am tired, I am not my best and I am probably not very coherent. Now, you might say, "That's what you learned in Al-Anon???" Yep. It's one of the simple things, that in the past, I would not admit to, and "gut it out" and say just about anything so that I could sound "on" and not tired. Today, I can keep my mouth closed (not always) and just chill.

But this is not what I want to talk about today.

I want to share this:

Having had a spiritual awakening. Have I? Many shared that nothing came down from the heavens and hit them on the head and has given them an "Aha" moment or a great light came and provided them enlightenment.

Miracles
I sat thinking in the meeting as others were talking - about all the things that happened that I cannot explain. The cardinals that came to my old home and then showed up at my new home and did some strange things and about a story of a cardinal in a meeting before the first hearing (something that I have not really revealed in this blog - that might appear as if I was was a little nuts - so I won't). The events that led me to a new job - a job that requires no travel versus the job I had before which was about 60% travel, that I had to scale back to 20 to 30% travel. And finding a new job - in fact several - in the midst of tough times. About meeting new people who are in a situation like mine.

All of these events above and others - that I consider - simply miraculous. Yes. I can say that word.

Finding God (or MY Higher Power)
But that is not my spiritual awakening. Even finding "God" or my HP in this program is not "Having had a spiritual awakening . . ." - at least not to me - although it could be.

The "although it could be" (above sentence - just reread that for a moment) - is part of what I am referring to.

I have tried to stop analyzing things and stopped thinking too deeply - but this is not always true.

Thinking Too Much (Part of the Spiritual Awakening)
The stopping of analyzing things IS part of my spiritual awakening. It is the little things that take me into my egoic mind and starts to reek havoc. The train wreck that comes about from thinking and more thinking.

Becoming More Conscious
I used to think I was pretty conscious. But this disease affected me a lot. It affected me minute by minute and covered me up with layers of thick blankets to where I could not tell what was real or illusions (my mind over thinking). I had layers of "denial" and "pretending everything was just swell."

I am becoming more conscious. I am in recovery. I am - seeing things differently. This is coming from a guy who has thousands - and I do mean thousands of books, audio programs, and video programs that HAVE HELPED me, and who thought he KNEW and KNOWS.

I remember two conversations at my wife's rehab center that are germane to this topic with one of the counselors. He said - I think it was the very first meeting; "We've all read all the self help books. But it is not until you are in a room like this." We were in a circle "discussing" - or "sharing" - much like Al-Anon.

In Recovery (and Admitting It!)
The second comment came from the same individual. He said, "Joe and his wife are in the early stages of recovery." Now for the record, my wife, was still drinking and later admitted it. I knew it - and I resented that statement about "She was in early in recovery" because my heart and mind and intuition were all screaming "She's drinking and won't stop." I wanted the truth to be on the table. I now know I am not in charge of her recovery nor am I responsible for the being the "truth teller." This is NOT my job.

This is easy to say NOW, now that I am no longer living with an alcoholic - an active alcoholic - one who is provoking and criticizing. I let you know this - because I would be lying to you if I said I could handle alcoholism again and live with it. I can't. I won't. But this is ME. I am not as strong as others are. I can admit that now. Even though - I believe a person who has the disease - can be the most beautiful and compassionate and most spiritual person. I can't because - I am too afraid of "what could happen."

But back to the point - I was - and still am in recovery. I hated that word. At the time, I "knew" there was nothing wrong with me. Duh. Denial? Yeah, maybe. Maybe more like ignorance.

Awakening, Slowly, Day By Day
The 12th Step is more around the "awakening" part. I am never fully "awakened." I am continously awakening - awakening from sleep - gaining consciousness - little by little, one day at a time, seeing things differently and seeing me, and how I see things as affecting how I see things and interpret events.

I am becoming more at ease with myself and others. I still rankle at when someone judges me. So I am not recovered on this part. But the program, that "spiritual awakening" for me is a continuous process of seeing things differently and using the previous 11 Steps as a foundation for me to live by - in and out of the program.

Not Part of the 12th Step (But Maybe it is . . . )
I hope this makes sense. But, there again, there is part of my recovery. Hoping this makes sense for you is - well, er, is, hmmm, "none of my business." Yep. Sounds harsh to an Al-Anoner. But truly, it is - "out of my control."

Boy, saying this, does sound weird and - frankly - uncaring. But that is my problem - how I think I sound to others.

Being

2008-12-01T07:05:00.003-05:00

"Being."

I hear in the program that we are "human beings" not "human doings." I often get caught up in the outcome of the "doing." I have learned to focus on the goal or outcome and not be concerned with the doing.

I get confused sometimes. I think I am told and was taught to focus on the goal and not be concerned with the method.

As I look back, I should not be confused. I should try to achieve. But I do not need to "become" the outcome. In other words, I am already complete, whole and perfect. The outcome will not make me any more complete, whole and perfect.

Also, I need to just "be." Be who I am. Enjoy the present moment. Not focus on the future and say to myself, "When I get here, I will be happy." The "here" part of that sentence can be; money, a finalized divorce, a new relationship, recognition at work, etc.

I just need to Be.

I have also learned that focusing on the "doing" - I can find peace, serenity and joy. When I get anxious, I am not present, I am not in the moment. I start to look toward the outcome and the result of the doing.

I am sure you have been in a complete state of being. It can be when you got into a rhythm. When you lost track of time. You thoroughly enjoyed what it was you were doing.

I am caught up in the disease of future thinking. I am - well - weird. I have literally been on vacations, where I am thinking about getting back to work a week later.

I am getting better. I can just "be" - and when accept the present moment and who I am - I am much better off.

I am already. I am is being. Here and now - just be. I don't need to get, or have.

I came into this world with nothing. And, the sad thing is, I will leave with nothing. I think when i meet my maker - he will ask not; "What have you achieved?" But, "Did you enjoy the time you were on earth?"

Be. Accept the present. Better yet, find joy and beauty in the present. This allows me to "Be."

Gratefulness & Keep The Focus On Yourself

2008-11-25T05:55:00.004-05:00

Being grateful. What a word.

It was shared by someone I like in an Al-Anon meeting last Thursday night. Being grateful. He said he had car problems before the meeting and it was why he was late.

He has a nice car. I have seen it.

He said the old person, would have been cursing and angry. As the tow truck appeared, he called an Al-Anon friend to get a ride. And he said, he was grateful that the car had not broken down and had given him no problems for 27,000 miles he has had the car. It was a new approach to his thinking. And that this would not have happened without Al-Anon.

Interesting perspective.

Be grateful today Joe. You have;

A beautiful child. Who can be a little or a lot - "precocious." (some would say "spoiled").
You have a nice life.
You have money in the bank.
You are healthy.
You are working.
You have two arms and two legs.
You can see.
You can hear.
You have nice rented house.
You have food in the refrigerator.
You have true friends - a network.
You have a Higher Power - one you never knew you had.
You have a sponsor.
You have a blog site that you can share and possibly help others at the same time you are helping yourself.
You have a program. And without it you would be crazy, or worse.
You have tools. Meetings, books, slogans, friends, sponsor, and more.
You have a great mother, sister and brothers.
You have a laptop.
You have books to read, a library card, and the it is right down the street.

And on the list could go.

I am truly blessed, as long as I stay focused on myself. And I think this is truly the meaning of "focus on yourself;" It is being grateful. Focus on yourself and what you have - not what you don't have, can't be or what you think others are "doing to you."

Thanksgiving Time Last Year - Dark and Dispair

2008-11-24T06:50:00.004-05:00

I remember last year - the two days before Thanksgiving, a day that I believe I was hitting an all-time low, it was a depression.

I felt hopeless and despair. I felt I was all alone. It was the worst feeling I could feel. My wife did not tell me when she was leaving for her parents home for Thanksgiving. And when she was ready to go, she had the car packed and barely said "Goodbye."

I stopped her and asked if I was supposed to go. It was the year I discovered her drinking - closet drinking - and I felt I was worthless, and no one cared. I felt my wife had abandoned me and our child and only did what was convenient for her and appearances with the neighbors, her family and her parents' friends.

I was living a lie.

I wanted her to say, "Yes of course. Please come. You know you are always invited. You are crazy to even ask if you should come."

I got - something to the effect of "It's up to you." It probably was not as bad as that, but that it what came through my filter into my head.

When they left - my child and wife - I sat at my office desk in my home - wanting to fall on the floor and cry. I wanted to curl in a ball. I think I did actually fall to the floor. I called my brothers and my sister. No one answered.

I think I did not have a sponsor yet - as this was the time I really needed one. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about how all alone I felt. It was one of the worst times in my life.

A Year Later
I am grateful that I am in recovery. I realize the effects of this disease are not recognizable to many people outside the program. And this hurts me to some degree, because I have to rationalize and explain what happened - only because I am going through a divorce.

I would not have to explain - if I wasn't going through a divorce. My wife and her lawyer are just trying to make me out as the unhappy husband. Oh yes, the unhappy, controlling husband.

I laugh now when I hear I am controlling. I was to some degree - as controlling. I wanted my wife to go back to work, exercise, and take care of things and not leave everything to the last minute. I wanted to house clean, food in the refrigerator and food for our child. My focus was on her - for sure. My world orbited her - as if she was the sun. I moved my orbit from Mercury - to one of Pluto. My orbit was cold and dark, and distant.

Today, I still orbit her, when I slip. I try to get her to see my side of things. And she can provoke me with a simple word, and then I fall right back into the orbit again.

But . . .
Today I have a program. I have new life. I have new friends. I feel worthwhile. I know while this divorce is not for everyone, it was right for me and our child.

I know - a year later - that I am here for a reason. A year ago, I never would have predicted a divorce. Sure, I thought about it. But actually do it? No way.

Today - I am even praying for my wife and her Higher Power to make a connection. I am praying for me and my Higher Power to make a connection. I am praying less for what I want or deem as right and now praying for guidance and praying that others receive guidance as well - but not from me, but their HP.

What a difference a year makes.

I am grateful for Al-Anon. It has helped me bring me sanity. And give me a new life.

Birds of a Feather

2008-11-14T06:07:00.002-05:00

I picked up a favorite little series of books I took with me to this home this morning. It's James Allen's series starting with "As A Man Thinkth."

His second book in the series is "The Path to Prosperity."

In the section "Making Judgment of Others" his writes;

"And as we clothe both events and objects with our own thoughts, so likewise do we clothe the souls of others in the garments of our thoughts.

The suspicious believe everybody to be suspicious; the liar feels secure in thought that he is not so foolish as to believe that there is such a phenomenon as a strictly truthful person; . . .

. . . On the other hand, those who dwell in loving thoughts, see that in all calls forth their love and sympathy; the trusting and honest are not troubled by suspicions; the good-natured and charitable who rejoice at the good fortune of others, scarcely know what envy means; and he who has realized the Devine within himself recognizes it in all beings, even in the beasts.

And men and women are confirmed in their mental outlook because of the fact that, by law of cause and effect, they attract to themselves that which they set forth, so come in contact with people similar to themselves. The old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together," has deeper significance than is generally attached to it, for in the thought-world as in the world of matter, each clings to its kind.

Do you wish for kindness? Be kind.
Do you wish for truth? Be true.
What you give of yourself you will find;
The world is a reflex of you.

The greatest discovery to me is "We become what we think about." A variation of this is, that is also powerful is, "What we think about, we attract."

This little books was written a 100 years ago, way before the book and video "The Law of Attraction."

I hope you find peace today and tomorrow. Live in today and think and be what you want to be.

Have a great weekend.

Here is a link to James Allen's works: http://www.jamesallenlibrary.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=1

Just for Today: I Will Stay Intensely In The Present

2008-11-13T06:08:00.005-05:00

I look around, my big, rented house is empty of people. Have lots of furniture, from my premarital days, pretty nice furniture, no big AT&T spool tables, food in the stainless steal refrigerator, which I bought from the last rented house for a great price, because I am a negotiator and cheap, my car starts, and I had a great nights sleep.

No one is "out to get me." There is no one outside my house with a gun. I have zero debt. I have my health. I am very, very fortunate.

What Happened?
So, what is wrong? You would say, in all candor, "You are an idiot for worrying." You might not say the word, "idiot," but you should and, frankly, you would think it.

Damn, I was spinning out of control Monday. I was spinning out of control a week ago. Everything I learned in Al-Anon seemed to evaporate at certain points and intervals.

I repeat; So, what went wrong?

My Mind Took Over - It Became A Cruel Master
My mind. My mind took over. I was a slave to my mind. I said before, "The mind, a cruel Master, but a good servant." I allowed my mind to become the Master. I did not use it as a tool.

Well, as I look back, I did not exercise (running/jog is my thing), and I did not sleep well.

The sleep thing was the biggest issue. Not sleeping allowed my mind to take control and govern my reactions and responses and my worries and fears GREW in size.

The Edges of Serenity
I look around - having had a good nights sleep - and I feel - well - very fortunate. I feel grateful. As I type those words, grateful and fortunate, and feel them, I also feel a peacefulness, maybe feeling the edges of the place where serenity lives.

I am rereading a book, The Power of Now. It is not CAL approved literature, but it has a lot of good tools that reinforce Al-Anon's tools - or vice-versa.

Intense Presence
The words on page 55 - bottom - "Intense Presence." I am drifting from the writing of the book now into my interpretation . . . When things go wrong, things that trigger fear etc. etc. I become unconscious. I react from the past. I cast my past on the future fast and I become last. I think of people, places and things that can harm me rather than for what they are, and all this thinking is not reality. But my body reacts, and the adrenaline flows, and the emotion comes up. My emotion is my body's reaction to what it believes is happening because of my thoughts. Even though nothing has happened, my brain is causing my body to emotionalize its defensive mechanisms.

One trigger, in this case my soon to be ex-wife's attack through an email, and my lack of sleep and just the pressures of a divorce, a move, a new job, the economy, all in the background, is amplified. And I play into the email trigger by responding with an email, and a follow up phone call which turns into a dozen conversations with someone who can push more buttons.

She knows all the buttons to hit. She is my qualifier. She is like a concert pianist - she can hit the right keys - and I jump. I realize now I am dancing with alcoholism - again. But I have provided the piano. And I am the one dancing. She, well, she is somewhere, in a car, driving, laughing her buttooski off. She got me to react and she got just what she wanted. And - I am the one that allowed it to happen. She is probably a good person - it is the alcoholism. She has buried the alcoholism in her mind and this is what bothers me too. I need to stop trying to play with an inferno of fire and just leave it alone. Instead, I remind her of it. Why? I know why. But why should I try to convince her? I am "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread." This is an Al-Anon quote. This is my obsession, as I have learned in one of the free pamphlets from Al-Anon about our "disease."

Just for Today I Will Practice Intense Presence
Just For Today - I am going to practice INTENSE PRESENCE. I am not going to allow my mind to drift into the future or past. I am not going to feed these two time devices with anything else other than "distant observation."

I am going to see if I can remember this. I am going to visualize myself in a row boat on a lake, rowing away from shore, and observe from the boat what my mind is trying to grow when it occurs.

A Row Boat - (Or A Life Boat?)
The row boat thing comes from a negotiators book I read years ago from Harvard Negotiations Class. I cannot recall the name of the book right now - but it was a great book. Let me look on Amazon and come back to you . . .

Found it: Getting Past No. Like I said a great book and an easy read.

Intense Presence. I will not identify with my negative thoughts. As soon as I identify with the thoughts, I give the thought more energy and my body starts reacting. If I observe, it takes away the time (past and future) according to Tolle - author of the Power of Now. If I can step out of the time dimension - the thought loses power and I become intensely present.

Let's see if I can remember the rowboat and rowing away from the thought and just observing it from afar. Maybe it is my lifeboat. Interesting thought Joseph.

My Pause Button and Fear

2008-11-11T05:36:00.006-05:00

Rereading Tolle's book the past few days. Trying to stay present. Trying to understand how I am identifying with my fears and how this identification with my fears is creating havoc for me.

So, when I identify with what might happen - that is - the bad thing(s) that might happen - I lose serenity. Here's what I do;

I begin visualizing the drama that might play out. I imagine people in a room, talking or arguing, and it comes around to me, or about me. Some where, some how, I am criticized. I become, . . . , "less than." This pisses me off. And I react.

My reaction is usually tenseness. A tightening in the solar plexus. Shoulders tighten. I forget to breath.

I then leave the present moment and build escape routes in my mind.

A True Story
This happened at work yesterday. Before I went to work, my soon to be ex-wife sent a shit-eating email to me. I was "threatened." [As I write this - I realize how ridiculous this is; I am threatened by a freakin' email. Are you kidding me?!] I reply back. I barrage her with everything I have. I am typing furiously. I become the Shakespeare of modern day emails - my email has both attack and defense. It goes; "If you think this . . ." and "Do really believe you are not delusional and . . . "

Well, this isn't what I really wrote - but the jist is the same.

Fortunately there is this gap - a space now in my mind. It is a pause button. Albeit, a very small button. The pause button allows me to remember this "x" on the email - upper right. You know, the one that closes the email. I look. I pause again.

"But it is so well-written, this email.", my little ego says. "Send this. Send this" my ego chants.

Microsoft and the "Draft Option"
I am paused. I press the "x" at the right hand side of the email, It comes back with the option, "Do you want to save as a draft?" type of option. I click "draft" - essentially saying - "Save this for later." What it doesn't say, but it maybe implied is this: "For at this moment you are a moron and a lunatic. When you are better tomorrow - you can send it - if you decide to."

What happens is; I will not even read it and probably never delete it. This is just in case I need some more fiery words and beautiful attack prose. I have about 20 drafts now, sitting there, waiting to be reopened, reread, reused and sent.

Thank God or my HP for allowing me to get a "pause" button in my life. It is a small pause button, but it one just the same. And thank you Bill Gates and team for allowing me to save the emails to a Draft folder.

How-Freakin'-Ever (Or I was almost good)
How-freakin'-ever, and I do mean "how-freakin'-ever" - I did talk to my soon to ex-wife. I called her. I was like a moth to a flame.

My conversation drifted into parts of the netherworld. I brought them there, because my ex-wife knew where my buttons were. And of course, I would not be trespassed against by her insults. So, I - the King of Fear - and the Prince of Rejection - put up the barricades against the assault and placed all the troops along the fortress walls. Waiting with my slings and arrows to fire. And that they did. My slings and arrows are now pretty good at aiming. I know that the knees are weak and I can attack there. The adrenaline was coursing through my body, I was in "fight-mode" now. No turning back, no disengaging, you still have that shit-eating email you read, and that is underlying the defensive posture you are taking right now, so fire away!

Shit - she hung up on me. Hmmm. Must have wounded her. Adrenaline still flowing. Maybe call her again and fire the words I have saved up from previous draft emails.

Okay. In reality - my mind does not think like this - the "building the barricades" thing and the "slings and arrows" thing is really the caffeine this morning - and in truth another part of me that hopes you will think I am funny, witty and smart. And then there is another part of my - hoping you get the drift and relate to what happened to me. This is the "I hope I can fix you part of me." [Jezz, how many parts are there of me?]

Back to the story.

I was engaged, and damn it, it felt friggin' good. I was clear headed and articulate. I engaged with the precision of a brain surgeon.

Ed - The Dude
Another pause button. It comes in the form of "I wonder what Ed would say?" Ed is my sponsor. He is cool. A cool dude who I trust. He is a smart dude too. [Why this dude thing? I have no clue.]

I call my sponsor. Finally. "Hey Ed. Need some help here. I am addicted to the adrenaline. I am clear headed. I am not angry. I am precise. I need for you to help me to stop."

Ed answers. He asks me questions. This is like hitting the needle on the record player - if you remember this. To those too young - it is ejecting the CD from the player essentially.

He always calms me. I laugh at myself. He says, "Where is your serenity?" [This one gets me now. I am programmed to aim for serenity - aim is the key word].

He says, "Call someone in the program, call me, journal, but what the heck are you doing calling her?" Well this is not an exact quote. But he says, "you are fighting with alcoholism. You are wanting her to recover, why?" Basically I have this sad and logical excuse, "Weeellll, to save my child." It is lame. I know now that it cannot be done.

Another excuse lingers; "I have a crazy wife - soon to be ex-wife - who is blaming me for her drinking, tells me yesterday that her friends say 'If I were married to Joe, I would drink too.'"

When I reminded her, after that rediculous statement she made, that her friends loved and adored me, because I was sooo funny and that they always asked if I was going with the group, she got pissed off and hung up.

And of course, not letting sleeping dogs lie, I called her and asked her; "So, which friends actually said this?" - as if I would get an answer - And then I did the ultimate - I said, "If you are saying this, and really believe it, you are NOT in recovery."

Getting Recovery - Pause to Stop
Yepity depity. I was in true form yesterday. I was unproductive at work part of the day - But, I was fully engaged.

My sponsor. My sponsor. My sponsor. He is a pause button for me.

PAUSE. Better yet; STOP. I need to build I new button. A STOP button.

A Little More On Where My Fear Is Coming From
Anyway, our mediation date was set up and changed and now set up again. For those who are not familiar with mediation date, this is the last ditch effort to dissolve the marriage and spilt stuff up and get on with a new life as amicably as possible. It is the last ditch effort before a true court date. My fear is I am dealing with an alcoholic. And this alcoholic knows how to obfuscate and deceive. I feel she is not facing the music and she is making me out to be the bad guy. And that makes my fear rise in my chest and head. I am not the bad guy here. But some how, she knows how to get me thinking that maybe I am.

Hope this helps you to see what is running through my head - at least what was going on yesterday for me.

One More Thing - Steps 1 & 3
I need a break. I need another Step 3. Oh, by the way, my sponsor said many things, but he said, "Sounds like your life has become unmanageable. Have you gone to Step 1 and Step 3 yet?" He also said, don't go and make amends when I asked "Duh, should I call and apologize?" He said, "No. You are jumping all the Steps if you do. They are in sequence for a reason. Do Step 1 and 3 - you already believe in a HP. He has already acted in your life. Use your HP again - today." Great advice. I need to follow it. All this advice and it is soooo for free.

Being Tired

2008-11-07T07:01:00.003-05:00

I cannot sleep for some reason. And when I wake up, I have this little pounding and heaviness in the back of head.

Why can't I sleep?

I routinely wake up at 3AM. One eye sees the clock and I roll over trying to sleep.

I sleep moderately for about an hour and a half. Then I am up. My problem is lately I have going to bed around 10:30 or 11PM.

I used to hit the hay at 9:30PM. I know, you are thinking, "why sooo early?" Because my morning is my private and quiet time for learning and centering myself.

I need to work hard on getting some sleep. Need to research this and get back to my regimen.

Why I am posting, or blogging about sleep? Because I think it is a direct cause of my latest round of fears and worries. Or at least it exacerbates them. I don't react well to my soon to be ex-spouse's emails or her phone calls. But yesterday I did. I was proud of myself ,as she was screaming at me that I needed to get my stuff out of her house. I was calm. I explained that she was doing all the talking (screaming) and what she was saying was she quoting me. It was interesting because what she was doing was quoting what she thought I was going to say - even though I couldn't say anything because she was doing all the talking (screaming). I was calm and pointed this out to her. Then she hung up on me. I was on the cell phone in the lobby of my work place. So, I did the natural thing, . . . I called her back. Duh. Dumb move. Getting sucked into a verbal battle is easy to do for me. My response to the "flight" or "fight" thing is to "fight." I am an excellent verbal jouster. Or at least I was. And I was proud of it. Now I am trying to build into my repetoire of skills, the "flight" thing.

Fortunately, when I called back, she refused to pick up.

But as I look back on the conversation (the fact it was not conversation - she was screaming) - maybe I should have pressed the little red button on my cell phone and not wait for her to hang up. Yes. That would make me feel superior. The word superior did not come into my thouht process yesterday when I thought about this alternative action. But getting the thought of "upper hand" did come into my thinking.

I am tired and this thinking comes into my head when I am tired.

Also, I find I eat when I am not hungry when I am tired.

Last, I say things more readily, without thinking of the consequences when I am tired.

I am going to exercise my tail off today and this weekend. I am going to tire myself out so I can get some sleep. AND I am going to take a long nap tomorrow. I read you can't catch up on missing sleep. Then I heard from a friend that you can. Anyway I am going to try it.

Also - I need to run and go to an Al-Anon meeting. I will go today at the noon day meeting.

Peace to all. Sorry about not posting this week .... I have been swamped

A Quick Post

2008-11-03T06:01:00.003-05:00

Pressures. Some we cannot avoid. Read my previous post(s) - I was down and out in Beverly Hills (I don't live there though - just a metaphor or whatever they call it).

I need to remember to do the things that bring me serenity. Avoid the things that don't.

Ask yourself, "Will this bring me serenity?"

That's the ultimate question.

I got further off kilter the other night trying to engage my ex-wife in a conversation around "why it was wrong to tell our child there is no such thing as Santa Claus." I tried to convince her I should have been consulted. When that didn't work, I then launched into a "I should have notified after she did it without consulting me." Hellllooooo?! Knock knock on your forehead - is anyone home in there?????

What I wanted was not to be made insignificant. But even though she did this Santa thing - it was me who decided to feel insignificant.

What was I thinking? She was going to make me feel better with all my convincing? Duh.

Hoping you all make it a great week. And if you have a choice - Aim for serenity!!

Give Yourself A Break Today - And Me Too

2008-11-01T06:35:00.006-04:00

Okay. I had a tough couple of days. What happened? Let's review. First, before I go into what I think I did "wrong" that had my head spinning, what did I do right?

Well, here is the one thing I did:

I called a friend - a strong friend - who had an alcoholic wife and divorced her. He said "Joe, look at what you've accomplished. You moved out of a bad situation. You got a new job. You don't have to travel anymore. Your new job is new and therefore has pressures. You are going through a divorce and that alone can be tough - but the alcoholic is making you think that there is not a problem with her, but it is with you and you are sensing everyone thinks she is just fine. This makes you a little crazy. Then you are helping raise a child whose mother is not - let's face it - a normal mother. You have to be the person who says "No" and you have to be the disciplinarian. Your spouse told your child - without consulting you and not informing you that she did, that there is no Santa Claus. And that made you feel unappreciated and maybe non-existent. It also says your child is passing from one stage of life to another. Then you have your child this week - and she/he is stressed probably because she/he is moving again and she/he acts out. She/he comes home from school and you have to figure how you are going to get off from work to be there when she gets there and not let that interfere with your work or the perception of how you are performing your work. Then you had to transfer the electricity, water, garbage pick-up, phone service, cable, gas, Internet and the rest of the services over to the new house. Then you had to buy - negotiate the price of a washer and dryer and refrigerator from the old house in order to have one in the new house. Then your child says this new house "smells" like dog poop - even though it is an upscale house - and she is smelling the new cherry cabinets installed and mistaking that as an awful smell, and then your internet service and phone service isn't working. Then at work, you are told you have to probably fire/lay-off some one who is not performing and the previous manager left that for you to do . . .

Gee Joe - why are you stressed? And, oh by the way, you didn't sleep well and you did not have time to go running this week.

Again - why are you stressed?

Helllllooooo? Is any body home???? You are stressed. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are HUMAN!!!!!!!!

It is okay to make mistakes, to live, to feel bad. But don't beat yourself up.

Okay - I started off with the sentence at the top -saying let's see what I did right. I guess what I wrote was - what is happening.

I was stressed. What I did right was I called and spoke to this person who listened to me and then repeated it back to me in such a way that I could see what and why I was feeling "low."

It's good to have such friends.

I needed to talk to my sponsor - but I didn't have the courage to talk to him yesterday for some reason. So I called this friend - a really good friend. He is not in Al-Anon but has a deep spiritual belief in God and he reminds me that God has a plan. And my fears and worries of things that might happen, that if these things do happen, may be blessings in the long run. Just like things have worked out before - these worries may become the best things that could happen to me and my child. I worry that the judge will give custody to my wife and I will only see her 2 days every two weeks.

This is a horrible disease. My wife is sick and in denial, and not getting treatment. She is paranoid and blames me for everything. She calls me names and knows how to manipulate people into thinking she is perfect and fun and the good person. While I know it is the disease and my worries - I know I have become a much different person and I am seeing a peaceful side of me I have not seen in a long time.

But when I try to talk to my wife - exwife - wife in limbo - esstranged wife - whatever she is - about our child - she gets angry and defensive. I want this divorce to be done but most of all I want my child to be safe - and free from this disease. It is why I filed for divorce in the first place. I seem to have forgotten about that. So has my wife. She is making everyone think I was "just unhappy." AND I WAS. But now I see it. It is only second though to my child's safety. And I don't mean physical safety only - I mean mental well-being.

But I can control only what I can control. My thoughts, and my reactions, and my behavior.

I cannot help my wife. I tried -the other night - to explain that she is going to have to help me discipline our child and that statement set off a firestorm of derision and hate. Maybe I was wrong in seeking out out help from her. But our child had used some strong words and I wanted to see if our child was using these words at my ex-wife's house. Well, that was a mistake to ask that - I see it now.

I was also pissed off that she told our child that there is no Santa. We have a big tradition of certain events happening leading up to Christmas. Anyway, that hurt me that I wasn't consulted, nor informed that our child was told. I was caught off guard when my child asked me if I would tell her the truth about Santa. I said that I believed in Santa. Our child then told me what mom had told her. Pissed and hurt - I was. That lumped on top of all the stressors was the icing on the cake for me.

Anyway - I hope you can give me courage, wisdom and hope with your comments.

I know "This too shall pass."

What Was I Worried About

2008-10-30T07:01:00.002-04:00

Well, following up, I went to dinner with the President and the people in the office. Actually, everyone had a really good time (me too).

While I didn't drink, three others didn't either. I wasn't counting - but I do recall this as I scan from memory around the table.

Today I am making a change - when you rent a house and the house is for sale - the house can be sold!

Well, I am moving. Moving is stressful. Divorce is stressful. Raising a child is stressful. Work is stressful. Or is it?

I need to make a mind shift. Whenever I get into this state, somewhere along the way I am able to shift my thinking.

Actually, all the above is - life. And many of the things are change and the change is always for the better. Each time - and I really mean this - I think God has forgotten about me and has heaped something else on my plate - is has - I believe - always been for the good.

I have found that each and every time something huge has come along - it always worked out for the better. Now with a program I can use the tools. I am using Step 1, 2 and 3 - on everyone of these. And I am remembering - "It will either work out or . . . . it will work out."

At Al-Anon on Tuesday I shared my plight at a meeting after I blogged. There wasn't a discussion leader and I was asked as I was walking into the meeting if I wanted to lead the discussion. Being a good helper I said "Yes, of course."

I was given the book "How Al-Anon Works" and I believe it is chapter 11 that discusses detachment and - I remember the word/term "becoming enmeshed" or "enmeshment." That is what I am feeling and sensing myself doing. I become wrapped up in work - and I see myself and work as one, the same. I am work. I am a person too who becomes wrapped up into someone else liking me. Even though I deny it.

I must work on detachment more. I thought I had this one - but obviously I don't.

The Purpose of My Life

2008-10-28T05:23:00.004-04:00

The purpose of my life is . . .

I used to think it to be a success; have money; have recognition; and this one is the scariest to admit - TO BE LOVED.

Hmmmmm . . . .

I am thinking about the "to be loved" part. I am writing free flow right now. I am letting my thoughts come through the typing. It doesn't work for me as well as "just writing in a notebook." I have to think where the keys are. What makes it more difficult is a I got a new laptop at work and going back and forth between the two laptops is making my typing a little fumbled.

Back to recovery.

TO BE LOVED.
I guess this might be true. Money is to take care of my self and feel secure. Recognition is to feel like I am worthy and worthwhile.

But I am changing. I can feel it but recently, with work, and the fact that maybe I have gone out with a "woman friend" with some other people. I will use "date" for shorthand. With the "date" thing - I feel I cannot be myself totally. I have to "entertain" - by being funny and interesting with the opposite sex and smart and experienced at work.

I am funny - sometimes. It is just hard to be funny non-stop. Maybe the word is "fun."

Regarding smart at work - well, I know my business. But as a manager, I have to coach and "cross boundaries" and get people to do things differently - because what they are doing is not working.

These two things are - I am afraid - keeping me from my true purpose - or what I believe my true purpose is today.

My true purpose is - and this is because of Al-Anon - to experience as many "highs" as possible. AND - if possible - stay consistently high.

WHAT IS HIGH?
To me, high is being is harmony with life, my inner thoughts, and my outer actions and behaviors. It means living the truth about me and who I am and what I believe in. Telling the truth about how I feel and what I want and frankly . . . I like seeing others laugh and seeing/hearing me laugh too.

Something about a good laugh. And at least a smile.

I am having a problem with a little couple of "white lies" I have told at work and on a date. I cannot tell about my wife's issue, and my "issues" - I am in recovery. While I don't drink, tonight I have to go out with a new boss and new colleagues for dinner. And they are going to drink. I was told this at the office the other day - "Expect a lot of drinking."

When I told my "date" this the other night and she said, "Pour a glass of coke and pretend you are drinking too." She meant no harm, but I prefer not to do this. So I heard her answer and I regret - frankly - opening up and revealing a part of me to someone else. I feel exposed. I sense, and feel, a little judged.

I prefer to tell people tonight, "No thanks. I am not drinking." And, frankly, go home around 9PM - at the very latest. Because the longer I stay out, the more exposed I am going to become to these "new people." They will drink. There guards will be down, and they will ask questions. I am worried. That's what I am, that they will cross boundaries and try to expose parts of me I am unwilling to expose. Hell, I don't even want to expose certain parts of me to me.

Also - my "date" the other night asked me how old I was. I danced around this several times. Why did I do that? Because I was trying to be funny. My answer was, "Between 17 and 75." She couldn't leave that alone. I said, "Okay, 17. Your a molester." That got a good laugh. But she pressed. I danced around it - why? I felt like I was being exposed again. I thought it was a "boundary crossing" question. But why? She was just trying to find out a "normal" item between two people. My dancing around the question made the question even more important.

Just before I revealed the "truth" about my age - she tried to guess. She thought I was about 8 years younger than I was. I don't think she was trying to "make me feel good" because I could tell she was not believing the truth when I told her. Is this good or bad? I am in pretty good shape. And I have all my teeth. I even have a pimple or two once in a while.

But still this bothers me. In fact, this dating question bothers me more than work stuff.

I am also afraid of becoming "enmeshed" again. I don't want to date someone and become dependent upon their feelings affecting how I react or feel about them.

I can almost feel my insecurities coming up - wanting to tell this person - we should probably not go out again. The enmeshment part bothers me. If I don't date - I know I cannot become enmeshed.

Back to the purpose of this post - the purpose of my life: These little "normal day-to-day" things are speed bumps (or roadblocks) to my purpose - trying to be in harmony with life stuff and/or be serene or have serenity.

I just realized - I am not living in moment. I am projecting ahead. These are my thoughts: will tonight be a pain? And will I reveal too much about myself? And the other with dating; will I be accepted?

Okay. If I remember not to run too far into the future. If I can remember I have a Higher Power who loves and accepts me no matter what. If I can remember to "Live one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time . . . " I will stay centered and in the Present.

I am breathing a little deeper now.

Emotional Dependency

2008-10-22T05:23:00.003-04:00

I am reading about emotional dependency this morning. Yep. Me. Emotional dependency. If you met me you'd say, "He wrote that?! Are you friggin' kidding me?"

Yep. Me.

Here is what is ringing in my ears;

Emotional dependency comes from our need to right and our need for approval. It comes out our need to feel loved and the need to be taken care of.

I consider myself to be "self-reliant." Hmmmm . . . Am I?

I crossed myself up with the thoughts of being "rich" or "well-off" with "self-reliant." When I read Emerson's essay on Self Reliance I read it from the stand point of money. I probably need to go back to it and read it with some different eye-glasses this time.

Here's what else I am reading regarding emotional dependency;

Tension arises when we want something from someone else.

If I think about it this is true. If I want recognition for my work at the office, I can feel the tension. If they don't recognize me or praise me, then I feel this tension of being "dissed" or "forgotten" or "not approved."

What if I knew I was loved? What if I knew that no matter what, I was approved of? What if I felt this deep in my heart and soul, that no matter what, I would be "okay?"

When I think about these three questions and hold the thoughts and the feelings within me, I feel less tension. I breath deeper. In fact, I am breathing deeper as I type this sentence, since I just typed those three questions.

What if you wrote these questions out in your journal? (By the way; GET A JOURNAL!!!).

Well, try it and see. Hold the thought in your mind. Write the questions out again. What if . . .

Then respond to the questions; I would feel this way about myself. I would act this way toward others. I would not look to others for their approval or best - their opinion of my work or me.

Funny. I just wrote something in that last sentence; "their opinion of my work." I know this is wrong but I do it. I transfer "me" and my self-worth with my work or more truthfully, how others deem my work. I knew this before. But this morning it strikes me differently. Maybe it rings deeper in my head as being ridiculous.

What I know today and I am working on is that the answers to these questions for me involve my Higher Power. If my HP approves of me DEEPLY and if I truly feel this, I feel better about me. Same with the other questions. When I feel my HP is there, then I feel better. I know, I will be okay no matter what happens. My HP works, as long I give faith. I wrote "give" not "have." That is interesting . . . Hmmmmm again.

New Topic - Sort of . . .
I have heard in Al-Anon people saying "I always find people who are 'emotionally unavailable.'" Interesting statement. I think because the term "emotionally unavailable" sounds clever, we mistake that this is a correct statement then. Just because it sounds clever - does not make it right. Now here is where I am in boundaries bordering areas where I have no clue of what I am talking about - but here it goes . . .

What if . . . the "emotionally unavailable" is our issue? What if they are not supposed to give us "our emotional satisfaction" and that in fact, that this is healthy? What if we did find someone who was "emotionally available" and what if in reality - that this meant we got our supposed "self-worth" from them? I think this would be in fact, slipping out of recovery and into "emotional dependency" and therefore - MAYBE - this person IS right for us, it's just that they are different than people we "dated" or "hung around with" before. And that MAYBE, it is us that needs to change and realize that this is part of our recovery . . .? I put a question mark there because I do not know if this is true or not or accurate or not. But I am going to think about this today and throw this out in an Al-Anon meeting soon to see what I hear back.

Just because it is a clever saying - don't accept it as true - is all I can say that I know is true!

And - I am not saying "Hang out with people who make you feel like crap." I am saying, "Hang out with people who allow you to be you. Hang out with people that do not judge you or others. Hang out with people who allow you to pick up your own shit. Hang out with people that want to encourage you to grow - be you - and have a program."

That's all for today. Keep the faith. Hope for Today. Faith in the future. We are ALL going to alright.

"That's weird."

2008-10-19T06:42:00.003-04:00

Okay. This may not be the place for this. But, hey, it's my story and it is a little interesting.

I went out the other night. Without too much detail, I had dinner with a woman. Yep.

So, she orders a glass of wine. Red wine. A Cabernet (is that supposed to capitalized?).

I order my drink. A big glass of ice water. With lemon. I sometimes order two. At the same time. I was trying to impress, so I only ordered one. I order two when I have been out for a run a few hours before any dinner to save the waiter/waitress the time going back and forth refilling my glass (a true Al-Anoner aren't I? Thinking of the waiter!).

So, this woman says, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"

I say, "Nope. I don't drink."

She says, "Why is that?"

I say, "I stopped about a year and half ago. I saw what it has done to some people that have become addicted to alcohol, and I didn't want to take the chance of it affecting me."

She says, "Do you have a problem drinking?"

I say, "Nope. Just don't want to drink."

She says, "That's weird."

In truth, she may have said, "You're weird." And in truth, she's right. I am weird. I have idiosyncrasies all over the place.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. Not the being called "You're weird" thing - but that has happened to me before too.

A few weeks ago, in Chicago, I was out to dinner with a group of business people who were looking at the wine list. They picked something expensive to drink and expense (which I have always had a problem with - the drinking an expensive bottle of wine and expensing it thing. I always felt like I was ripping off the company).

Anyway, the wine was brought over and the waiter/wine pourer guy, started his pouring job. I said, "No thanks."

One guy asked me after the second round, or second bottle, "Why don't you drink?" My reply was, "I stopped drinking about a year and half ago. It made me sluggish. And I didn't like the feeling the next day." This started a whole conversation on drinking and the effects of red wine versus white wine, versus drinking mixed drinks versus beer.

A few weeks before that, I went to dinner with a few friends and this lady sat across from me. She saw I wasn't drinking and offered me a sip of her beer. I have no idea why, although we were joking around with each other.

I said "No thanks."

She asked, "Don't you like beer?"

I said, (it was right before the Olympics), "I am in training for the Olympics. And I need to maintain a regimen of high calibre liquids."

She replied, "Oh really? Which event are you training for?" (She was definitely serious)

I replied, "Boxing. I am a boxer. And I am going over to Beijing for the boxing events and if possible a Boxer Rebellion Reunion ceremony."

I don't think my humor was catching on to her. But the guy next to her was starting in. He said, "Oh yes. How is the boxing training coming along?"

I said, "Good. But I misplaced my Gold Medal from the 2004 Olympics."

It was funny to me. Now, granted, if I have a glass of wine, beer or Scotch, it would have been in all likelihood a whole lot funnier.

I am now at a loss for making the excuse as to why I don't drink - that is, I can no longer use the Olympics as an excuse or reason as to why I don't drink any more.

I am being pressured by old friends saying, "Joe, you don't have a problem."

I make a lot of people VERY uncomfortable that I don't drink. And I of course, go out of my way saying it's perfectly okay for you to drink. It doesn't bother me if you do.

I stopped drinking when my soon to be ex-wife and I went to therapy and he asked her if she had a problem drinking. She of course said, "No, not I." He said, "Try not drinking for six weeks." In my Al-Anoner way, I said, I would stop drinking - to show my luv and support."

I thought she would blow right through the six weeks without a drop - proving that she was right although I knew she had a problem!!! It bothered me that it was only a six week test. It needed to be longer. I was wrong. Second day - she was drinking.

I - however - stopped.

I "kept it stopped" when my wife went to rehab and I heard a lady say this in the rehab center and it scared the crud out of me. If you get nothing else from this blog ever - this is probably the most defining thing I have learned about alcohol and it being cunning and baffling and how it still scares me.

It was when she said this:

"My father was an alcoholic. I married an alcoholic. I divorced him and remarried. My second husband became an alcoholic. I divorced again. Then my son became an alcoholic. I am, now 52 (she looked 72), and now here I am. In rehab. And I am the alcoholic.

I said, to myself, "Holy SHIT!!"

I asked the rehab counsellor "how this could happen?" He (a member of AA himself) "I don't know."

I asked, "Could this alcoholic button switch on for me too at some age?"

He said, "I don't know."

I said, "Should I keep off the alcohol?"

He said, "I don't know."

"Damn", I thought. I don't want this to happen to me. So, I stopped.

That's my story. Albeit - a long one.

Random Thoughts

2008-10-17T06:45:00.004-04:00

Here are some random thoughts. Some of these quotes came directly from Al-Anon meetings this past week.

"It will either work out . . . Or . . . It will work out." I love this quote. It is the ultimate to Steps 1, 2 and 3. It is NOT an Al-Anon slogan
"Figuring things out, is not an Al-Anon slogan." In other words, we don't have to figure something out, why someone acts a certain way or what they think, etc. It is letting go!
When we where a certain smile, act a certain way, we maybe do this to please others. We need to examine this. If it impacts us or suppresses us . . . and it almost certainly does, it may not be good for us.
Sometimes we set up "little Gods" in our lives, and they become authority figures for us. We tend to "look up" to them, and secretly seek out their approval, by telling them what they want to hear, trying to behave and speak a certain way and/or wonder what they want or think about us.
Remember: What we do and what we have is separate from what we are inside.
We think if we do enough, have enough and get enough, we will be OK (or whole, complete, perfect). But we are already OK. We are already whole, complete and perfect - because of our HP.
"We are perfect" (spiritually if you really have a problem with this statement). However what we do may not always be perfect.

Have a good day.

Getting Approval

2008-10-16T07:18:00.002-04:00

Day before yesterday, my soon to be ex-wife and I were supposedly talking about finances - actually taxes.

She began blaming me for the divorce and actually started accusing me of making her drink. She went on to citing an example of me trying to create stress that would cause her to drink.

I listened and my defensiveness started to rise. But another part of my disease, the desire to seek approval and be deemed as "worthy" and "nice" and "good" also kicked in.

In my disease - I want to be "accepted" and deemed "a good person." In my heart, most of the time, I know I am a nice/good guy. I know intellectually that I do not need to be "accepted." But old habits are hard to break.

As my wife went on a rage on the phone with me, I was pretty calm - a surprising thing as I type this to you. In the past, I would have raged back - I think. But still, I tried to interrupt and tell her she was putting perceptions of what occurred and making them facts in her mind. I tried several times to tell her that I did not do those specific things and certainly did not do them with the intention to drive her to drink. (This is the first thing I did that I didn't have to do)

I told her - then and there - that this is part of the disease, blaming someone else and not accepting responsibility. (This is the second thing I did that I didn't have to do).

She hung up the phone.

In my disease, I was now hooked. So I called her back. I was getting obsessed with fixing this wrong perception and trying to show that I am OK (not right - I am 99% sure I wasn't trying to be right).

We spoke briefly and she hung up. It was like she knew she had me.

I - of course - redialed. She did not pick up and I left a message on the answering machine.

I started to call her cell phone, when the program kicked in. It said, "You are obsessed. Stop. You are trying to gain acceptance from someone who can't give it. Second and more importantly, you don't need it - you are already accepted and okay."

But there was an anger underneath the surface too. So the program kicked in again and said, "Call your sponsor."

So I called my sponsor. As soon as I started telling him what had happened, I was laughing at my behavior.

I get hooked each time by not getting some one's approval. Maybe not always. But it is there - right under the surface.

Damn. I want to be liked by everyone and thought highly of. Well, at least I recognize it and I have a program!

Random Thoughts

2008-10-10T06:40:00.003-04:00

Random Thoughts are being posted here today. I decided a while ago that sometimes statements without explanation may be a good way to get and achieve serenity.

Here are some random thoughts and statements I have pulled from one of the books I am reading - that I believe can be aligned to Step 1 - Being Powerless and Unmanageable.

Here they are;

Don't minimize preparation or the importance of believing in your abilities. Lack of faith in yourself, manifested by the inclination to minimize your abilities, accounts for the difference between capability and performance.
By relaxing and controlling nothing but yourself, you can deal with the most complex situations.
Problems arise when you seek specific results by trying to control and manipulate others.
Thoughts precede events. In fact, events are panted in advance in thoughts.
Explaining circumstances as results of your own thoughts, rather than saying they are due to fate or outside forces, reduces dependency and gives you options to change your life.
To overcome difficulties, you need only concentrate in what you have done that may have brought about specific events.
Only effort will increase your strength and awareness of your potential. In time, you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you don't do.
You maximize your capacity to influence the world around you by gaining awareness and control of your automatic responses to the demands of others.. By delaying your responses, you can consciously decide how you will act. Action, not reaction, becomes the secret of success.
Concentrate on the resources you have, not on what you don't have or lack, in order to develop your potential and talents.
Learn to trust your intuition and follow you hunches.
Only you hold and have the answer to the meaning of your life. You need not seek solutions from others in matters where you and only you may have the answer.
Don't assume others have better qualifications to determine your objectives.
Study and preparation helps you by making you more aware of what is happening and how you are consciously and unconsciously perceive the world.

Have a great day and peace to you today.

Increasing Our Dependence On Others

2008-10-08T07:24:00.002-04:00

Dependence, Self-Reliance, Opinions of others, Focusing outside ourselves

In my recovery, looking back, I have seen how I increasingly depended upon others opinions and feelings about issues, and frankly about me. I fell into a trap. I was stuck. I did not know what to do.

Now, here comes my ego. I am - not a dependent person - as I say this (write this) - I wonder if this is really true. In my business life, I have run consulting organizations with 300 and 400 people nationally. BFD! BTW. (translated - it is BIG F Deal, by the way).

I write this only because I see how this disease has tricked me into thinking "I am less than." Hell - f' n - O. Is anyone home? My head went into overdrive, into thinking "I was wrong." My perceptions were right - but because the disease is so strong - I lost confidence to trust myself. So, I sought out the opinions of others - or worse - I worried about what others thought of me. My self-confidence was at an all time low.

Now, I am regaining ground.

With this disease, I want to write about what I read this morning. It comes from Ari Kiev - and it is not about alcoholism and its effects. But it is about dependence and self-reliance.

"The increase population and an apparent scarcity of the jobs, residences and rewards, which creates a vicious cycle of increasing dependence on the opinions of others. Stop accepting the necessity of obtaining the things you feel you must have. Th moment you begin to live below your means or at a level where you can maintain control over your life without economic dependency and insecurity, that moment you gain personal freedom.

Don't discuss your decisions to change with anyone who has an inclination to resist change. He will prove insensitive to our desire. Even listening to the "experts" may weaken your courage to act. This would attest only to your suggestibility; it would not mean that your original decision was invalid. Sounding out others for reassurance does not eliminate anxiety of decision-making. In fact, if you discuss crucial matter with unqualified people, you may create more anxiety and confusion for yourself. You have added their uncertainty to your own."

Interesting thought for me this morning. With alcoholism, I was more uncertain. Well-meaning people gave me advice. They gave me looks too, - that I interpreted as positive or negative and this made me more uncertain.

And now with the economy a little crazy right now, it is easy for us (me) to become more worried and more uncertain.

I need to remember:
Focus on myself
Control what I can control
Let go of what I cannot control
Turn over what I cannot to my Higher Power
And
Have Faith. Hope for today. Faith for tomorrow.

Training My Mind

2008-10-07T06:57:00.002-04:00

Al Anon, Self Help, Mind Training

I have always been a firm believer that I can just about anything if I train my mind. Yes - train.

Think about that for a minute. Usually when I read words like this - I say, "Yes, of course. I can train my mind." Maybe you do to. Think about this a little differently today. And I hope by using this analogy, I will help you.

Think of a puppy. Yep. A dog. Think about this puppy yipping, running a little wild, and - I'm sorry - but here it comes - peeing all around your house. Yep. Peeing. Going to the bathroom. All over.

Well - that is your mind. Running around, yipping and peeing (or worse - but let's not get vulgar) all around your house - er, your mind. Now sometimes this little mind of yours (ours/mine) is very playful and I believe that's okay, but it would be better if you could control your mind to be playful WHEN you wish it to play - not at random.

I read - somewhere - that "The mind is a great servant, but horrible master." Think and reflect on this statement.

A great servant. You mean, it is my servant? It does not order me around? Yep. That's right. But we've never been taught that it is our servant. We've been taught - maybe not directly - that the mind is in control. Well, that maybe partially true. But there is a big part of our mind that runs rampant, out of control. But there is another part, that wants to control that part of our mind - or should I say - CAN control. We just have to make it a habit - to control and eliminate this crazy thinking, random thought process.

This crazy part of our minds, worries, conjures up fears, and worse, plays these out in our minds. I am sitting in a hotel now, but there is some quote from I think it was Mark Twain, that talks about 90 percent of my fears never occurred.

I found this one from Mr. Twain;
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. ~Mark Twain

Anyway - how do you stop fear and worry?

Answer? Easy - look for the initial signs as the thought enters your mind. And then - recognize it (Awareness) - and - eliminate it through self-talk. Say "Stop. You are not going to enter my mind." And then laugh at it. And say, "There you are!" Making it a joke or laughing, and doing this one little thing - as a habit - can help you recognize this coming in. Seeing - visualizing - this part of your mind - the voice coming in from someone you don't care for - and visualizing their face and then taking a Sharpie Marker (you know - the one that never erases off furniture or the white board) and drawing a clown's face on the person as the person is talking fear and worry in your mind - (draw a big clown's nose, Bozo red hair, and BIG ears etc.) will help you. TRUST ME on this.

And laugh as it tries to enter.

Then turn away to something else more positive or a list of actions you have to get done in the next hour.

Getting busy - one of the key terms in Al-Anon - is what leads us to happiness, for happiness is a by-product of doing something else. If you aim for happiness - in my little opinion and what I have read and researched - you will have difficulty in finding it. If you focus on the efforts of the things you have to do - aiming toward what you desire - but again - focusing on the efforts and finding joy in the efforts - this can lead to happiness.

Eliminating negativity starts with training your mind. Yep. Training. Back to the puppy analogy. Maybe not my best analogy. Maybe it is. But you hopefully now understand, you are the MASTER and no longer have to be servant to it getting fed bad food (thoughts).

Getting A Sponsor

2008-10-03T06:51:00.003-04:00

Al-Anon, Sponsor, Sponsorship

When I first came to Al-Anon, I heard about this "sponsorship" thing a lot. I didn't want a sponsor because I thought "I was waaaay too smart for anyone to teach me anything." Plus, I thought - deep down - I don't want to "burden" anyone with my feeble foibles. And, how in the world would I explain what the hell is happening in my life.

Well, one day, a guy raised his hand when they asked who was willing to be sponsors. I heard him talk before and so I asked him later to be my sponsor. When we talked I was appalled to find out "how different he was than I." He was; a stay at home dad for the main thing, never traveled in his job, not in the"corporate world," and he was - well - physically different - as I am very tall.

This difference - was my ego talking - basically saying - "This is not going to work Joe. What the hell are you doing???"

I never called him. The "burden" of calling - and sharing my "troubles" were too much for me to allow myself to share what I thought would be things I could address "ALL BY MYSELF." For I am not a weak person - "I AM STRONG and POWERFUL." And - could HANDLE ANYTHING.

He called me one night. Amazing. I was dying. Under the burden of alcoholism - I was; lonely, tired, frustrated, and frankly - lost.

Four months later - maybe six - from the night he called me - I called him asking for advice about what to feed my child and get him/her off of pasta. I was on my way to an Al-Anon meeting at the time when I called and we talked. I had separated from my spouse a few months before, and I had joint custody. He explained what he had done and what he was doing. He said - "Every Wednesday is pasta night. This way they know what to expect and when to expect it."

The solution was so simple - of course - I thought. Then I thought - "Isn't this interesting." Seven or eight months ago when I first met him - I thought "we couldn't be more different" . . .

Now I thought - I am a "stay at home dad too" and my higher power or God - had placed this sponsor in front of me eight months ago and I had no clue how this would turn out. AND fortunately, it turned out for the good.

It turns out we are more similar in other areas too. I trust my sponsor. Even when he "criticizes" me in some form, I know he is doing it in a loving way - and he has the best interests for me and no hidden agenda. I say "criticizes" - only to mean this - I do something or I am about to do something - well - frankly - stupid - he asks me some pointed questions. I go - "oh yeah . . . that is not being honest or acting with utmost integrity." I figure it out by his questions and also - listening to myself "think outloud."

I am indebted to my sponsor. He is beginning to know me. I am beginning to admit things I never could or would admit to someone else. He gives me guidance sometimes, but most of the time, he listens, and when I talk, I hear myself and I hear the answer or I hear where I am steering off course.

Here is my message; If you do not have a sponsor, get one. Find a temporary sponsor, if you have to. They are free. They are invaluable.

AND . . .

We wind up helping them as much or if not more than they help us!! And we all are fixers and helpers - and that can be our "reason" to getting one and being honest - in order to trick ourselves into getting help for ourselves!!!

PEACE today. Hope for Today. Faith for Tomorrow

Suppressing Our True Selves

2008-09-30T05:11:00.002-04:00

Key Words: Our True Selves, Suppressing, Image, Mask, Seeking Approval, Al-Anon

My True Self
I am learning that whenever I think something is bad in my life, that I may be suppressing myself in some way. When I judge it as bad, I may not be able to analyze what it is and how I may not be fully who I am.

Here is what I mean - as this might be a little difficult to explain.

When I say, "The world won't let me be myself . . .(out to get me, etc.) Or "You won't let me express myself . . . " Or "I wish I was someplace else . . ." I am suppressing myself in some way.

It is not obvious at first.

Before going on, please reread these statements. We have all made statements like these in some form similar to these before.

After you reread these statements, think about what you are really saying and then, what you do next. When I say statements like these, I say the problem is "out there." It is, in fact, controlling me - the so-called problem.

However, I am allowing it to control me. What?! I am saying that I could be happier/better if these things (the world, you, someplace else or I wish) weren't doing something to me.

So, what I do is go further along the misery path and I put on a mask to conceal. I place a mask on my face (or a cloak around my body) to become what I believe others want me to be or what I want to show to others.

Does this make sense?

This may be a little difficult to grasp, because while I believe the problem is someone or something causing me to be a certain way, I in reality, have chosen to be a certain way - other than my true self. I have chosen. I have chosen to cloak myself to show only what I think others will accept.

I have to stop here for you (actually me the typist) to see what I am saying more clearly. So think about this. As I type this, this is like a judo move in my brain. My brain is beginning to hurt because it is a twist.

Now if you have grasped this "cloaking" or "masking" concept, I want to move on. If you haven't, please go back and reread the above. Because the next sentence will only add to the above.

Here is the next sentence.

We cloak and we cloak, and we cloak and we cloak. (I am going to use this word instead of mask at this point for a reason. Mask works well, but cloak works better for me and I will explain why in a second)

What I am saying is, this cloaking thing, goes on ALL DAY LONG, several times a day, with different people, in different events, in different circumstances. Sometimes this serves a good purpose, I think. Other times, not so.

Are you with me thus far?

We cloak ourselves. Especially in this disease. We - in essence - HIDE. Now everyone "hides" parts of themselves. Maybe this is normal. Maybe it shouldn't be. I do not know.

But I do know this, as I become more of myself, the revealing of myself, in the rooms of Al-Anon, I am shedding layers of blankets, that I feel - that I never felt before - covered me up so others would not judge me as "bad" or "not whole, complete and - [YIKES, here's the word I didn't see before, but have heard it stated a lot in Al-Anon - here it comes . . . ] perfect."

A Note to Myself
[That perfect word is a word, I didn't think I had affecting me. I have heard others use it and I thought "I know I am not perfect" and sorta reveled in the thought that I knew I wasn't. But, in truth, I think after typing here, I revealed that I want to present an image of perfection. I wear nice clothes, just bought expensive cologne (ha!), have a nice car, nice house (paid off and I want all to know that!), a nice rental home, money in the bank (and I drop hints about that around too), I have had/have great jobs, - so hmmmm, I found something else out about me. Interesting.] - these square brackets "[ ]" are me talking to myself.

Layers of Cloaks
So, back to cloaks. I have shared in Al-Anon that I feel as I reveal more and more about me in these rooms, that I find more and more about myself, that I thought wasn't true for me. And as I see myself being revealed to myself (and to others), I feel like layers of wool blankets (the cloaks) have been covering me up are being taken off. I was - suffocating - and didn't know it.

Over time, with all these layers (cloaks) being put on me, I had become someone else. I put these on -one layer at a time - by trying to adapt to others expectations of me and the expectations I had of myself. But these expectations - well they are and were - here is another key term - an "illusion." I created the expectations. [Are you friggin' kidding me?! Yeppy deppy. Now that I think about it - no one said you need to be this way or that way. Yeppy deppy.]

After writing this - the above paragraph specifically - I think the toughest of expectations - are those that I hold up for myself. And they can be the greatest of illusions of all.

Who Am I? (MY Great Houdini)
I performed the great Houdini act. I - in essence - "disappeared."

I am getting back to me, however, slowly, but surely. But I must say it is hard. I live in a world that wants illusions and wants people to fit into certain molds and patterns.

As I learn more about myself - and learn to be more accepting of my true self - I am learning to be more accepting of others. I now have friends who are male, female, but are also now, black, Hispanic, Asian, and gay. I could never say this before. I see me in all of them. And some of these people are more REAL than I am. They are more authentic, and I would never have admitted that before because I never knew it before.

So, I am working to reveal me - not to others - but to me. And just be - well - er, um, me. And me is good enough.

But it is taking time and work and Al-Anon.

Hope you are well and I hope this post helped you as much as it helped me today.

Taking Responsibility

2008-09-26T05:37:00.002-04:00

Responsibility - Al-Anon, Life, Work.

We have the right to choose to do anything we want to do. The key word is "anything" and I would add - "we want." This seems liberating when we read it. But how many of us - want someone to decide for us? We wait to hear what others want to do. We want others to tell us what they think first, so we can see which way the "wind is blowing."

Because, God forbid we are wrong in telling others what we want to do or worse - we make a decision, others are unhappy with!

But here are the facts. You have a life. I have a life. We need to be clear on what we want. Why are we not clear sometimes? I believe - because we have been told that our ideas and choice are not important, stupid, bad, wrong, selfish - you name it.

But guess what? What they think does not matter. But we have made it matter. And therefore we wait and we decide our choices are of little value to us.

We are allowed to make mistakes! Yes, some of our decisions have been - well - wrong. And some of our decisions have been - well - RIGHT!

Let's take responsibility back. We may have given away our "right" to decide and choose what is right for us. Let's take it back by sharing with people what we want to do. Now I am not saying sharing with people are intimate secrets - people with whom we don't know or cannot trust. What I am saying is our choices and wants matter.

But it is up to us to take responsibility and choose what we want to do - in all situations. ALL situations.

To become better and smarter about what it is we wish to do, we need to open ourselves up and learn to trust our judgement. We need to listen to that "still small voice within." We need to "trust our gut." We need to learn to be quiet and calm ourselves. Get out of the chaos - if there is chaos around us.

A great way to start listening to ourselves is to take that notebook and write out and describe the situation at hand. And list out what the outcome we want, the fears we are facing - and worst possible outcome.

I actually wrote - "I will die" - when I wrote about a big situation I was facing. But it was after about 6 major "if this happens, then this will occur." When I looked at it, I uncovered fears and unfounded fears, I was harboring unconsciously.

But I digress. The point is, the notebook, the uncovering, "If I do this, what will happen good?" and ". . . what will happen, bad?" is a powerful little free tool that you can put into use today. Problem is - it is free and no one will remind us to use it in a time of crisis. So write it in your notebook in the back - where you could/should have an index called "tools."

I am still digressing - and I know it!

I learned this from Robert Anthony. Here it is;

Keep in mind nothing is "good" or "bad" or "right" or "wrong." It is only "wise" or "unwise." He points out in his Total Self Confidence book, "as you move from 'unwise' to 'wise' actions, the importance of this terminology will become increasingly evident."

Here are some questions he suggests that you ask;

Is this a wise or unwise act?
Will it contribute to my basic needs?
Will it harm me or someone else?
Is it in harmony with the Laws of the Universe as I understand them?
What is the total price I must pay?
Am I willing and able to pay this price and accept the consequences?

PS - I am sorry I have not blogged in a while. I have been redoing my work life . . . Which has become a significant point of change. Some day I reveal what was at one point, I would have called a crisis, that turned into a blessing and I believe a gift from my Higher Power. It actually allowed me to SEE myself and force me to take a good look at why I was working so hard.

PPS - There are times when my ego says "I am recovered." This is the ego trying to trick me into a false hope. The truth is; I am in recovery. The trip and journey are miles and miles, and without a road map. I slip - a lot.

Good luck today and this weekend.

Making Our Decisions

2008-09-19T07:30:00.005-04:00

I am reading several books from Ari Kiev. They are old for sure, but they are filled with principles on how to live life for the better. I had to order these books off Abebooks.com, a place where you can find out of print books and search used book sellers around the country.

Here is something that I read this morning. It is derived from one of Kiev's books, a letter to teenager growing up. We may have missed some of this advice, as I know I have, and I am not blaming my parents as I say this, they did the best they could, under the circumstances.

The reading from one of the chapters is about making our own decisions.

First, try to experiment with the word "no." Try saying it to someone to whom you typically respond with a "yes." One woman in an Al-Anon meeting said she repeated the word "no" over and over again, so she could get comfortable with it coming from her mouth. Strange, I thought at first. But a second later, perhaps, I thought, brilliant.

Second, try cancelling an appointment or postponing a meeting.

Third, try refusing some food at the table, like bread. Ask the waiter, to remove the bread when dining out. Bread is one of my big favorites. Send it back? Will it hurt the other person's feelings? We are people pleasers aren't we Joseph?

Fourth, when someone wants to borrow something, say "no." I am going into cardiac arrest here. I have shortness of breath.

Fifth, quit solving others problems. Yesterday, a woman I work with needed a pen for she could not find one for the con call she was on and needed to take notes. So what did I do? I gave her my expensive, rare pen. She held onto it through out the call. I, on the other hand, was without a pen. Duh?! Could I be any more accommodating?????

On all of the above, don't offer an explanation.

WOW! When I write this, it seems like I am being, well, an ass if I do this. YIKERS! Am I trying to find affection by being accommodating at my expense?

Remember - this is just an exercise. I think if you can lend someone something, and they really need it, maybe, perhaps, um, er, I am faltering here, provide it to them?!

But, maybe, without an expectation of being loved, or this being reciprocated.

How hard this is going to be for ME!

My Note to Kelly

2008-09-17T06:18:00.001-04:00

Kelly - I too was worried about the death of my qualifier. I knew she was killing herself. There were things happening to her body that - well - were not normal.

I am not a doctor, but if I described them here - you too would see it that way.
Alcoholism is an insideous disease. It is almost - to me anyway - disease that attracts attention from others and sucks the life out of those of us it attracks.

Our belief is we can fix it. And somewhere it tricks us into thinking we caused it.

My word for you is to - DETACH. With or without love. With love is kind and compassionate with understanding that this is a disease. MOst importantly - it is kind and compassionate toward yourself.

If you have too - just DETACH. Don't get angry or blame or cause anxiety with yourself by arguing, or trying to presuade. The arguing and persuasion part - is the disease working thru us and once again, putting the attention on him/it/the disease.

Think of the disease as a disease except with a psychological attraction that grows by you feeding it with hate, anger, persuasion and frustration.

If you want to defeat it - then of course you would never do the above things. But it has gotten to you and filled you with anxiety and the NEED to control and fix it.
You can't.

The only thing you can fix it YOU. You are numbero uno. You fix yourself and the world is a better place. Family, friends and relatives see you as the good guy and healthy. When you get healthy - you make better choices. You have more options.

I can say all this now. For I am not living with the disease any more. My wife's disease carries on. I see it in her emails and hear it in her voice. She baits me. She wants me to engage.

Sometimes I am trapped in the snare and I react. I fall prey to the disease and I am not even living with it. So everything I say above - while it is true - requires real fortitude and strength.
Reprogram yourself and reprogram your responses to your husband.

Reprogram your thoughts of death as perhaps a metaphor that part of your life is perhaps over. Not a physical death - but a mental death.

I felt this "death" - I think we all have. It's called shattered dreams. We lived a life - and wanted something - a vision - a dream of what could be. It maybe that it never materialized, or you saw glimmers of it.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

Focus on yourself is a great slogan.

Read Chapter 10 - hell read all the chapters of How Al-Anon Works.

I really found The New Earth by Tolle and his earlier book the Power of Now great books. I sat and read and reread The New Earth and the Pain-body sections over and over and over all summer. I read - I think it was pages 160 to 220 - about 12 times. In fact, I was thinking just yesterday I need to reread them again. It is about detaching, being powerless over someone else, surrendering your thoughts and realizing your ego - your own ego needs to be fed. The ego wants you to think you are less than. It feeds on your misery. And it makes you see everything is a light of being miserable.

First step - be aware of it coming up and starting. It starts as a small voice and then it calls a meeting. The committee meets and you are being knocked around by the voices. FIRE your committee and rehire new people for your committee. You can hire Jesus or Budha or both. What would they be telling you? How about one of your closest friends too? Or someone you admire and respect? Abe Lincoln? It's your head. You can control your head - we just don't. The mind is a terrible master - but a good slave(no offense intended to anyone - it is only a metaphor).

Love yourself. Have compassion for yourself.

See a therapists that DEALS with alcoholism in families.If you have an EAP program - the program from your work that has trained counsellors they can guide you and provide assistance in finding a therapist/coach/Sherpa.

You are a good and worthy person. And everyone is thinking about you.

A Question from A Reader

2008-09-14T22:56:00.004-04:00

Here is a question, a burning desire, from a fellow reader Kelly

Here is here question;

" Hi, I have a question. I'm having a terrible struggle with thoughts of death -- my death, the death of my qualifier -- and they're nonstop. Every awake moment is torture. Which step, slogan, or other reading would be most helpful. I've been focusing on step one and applying it to death in general -- that I'm powerless over death. But even that thought is frightening.

A Couple of Quick Things . . .

2008-09-12T05:05:00.002-04:00

First, sorry about the comments that may not have been "published." I did not reject any, it's just that I apparently did not "accept" them properly. I discovered 5 unpublished comments this morning . . . Well, I "published" them all. I will make it easier for all of us by taking this moderator option off the comments.

Second, it has been suggested that we create a New Post on anyone that may have a "burning desire" or "question" that they would like answered. So, if you have a question or burning desire, please use the comment box or send me an email and I will publish it as a post. This way you can receive feedback from multiple people as to what they may have done to achieve serenity.

So, I like the idea of burning issues and seeking feedback. Talk about true anonymity! No one can even see what you look like! And we may not even know your name! So, feel free to ask, and I will publish the request/question.

My Fear

2008-09-10T05:33:00.004-04:00

Al-Anon - Fear - Turning it over.

I met with the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) yesterday. The GAL is a court appointed representative for the child.

There have been some issues about strange words and sentences coming out of my daughter mouth that seem to originate from grown-ups. I was VERY angry this weekend when I learned that some things are being said in front of a child during a divorce/custody case.

To me, and I am not trying to be self-righteous (or am I?), the child should be off to the side.

I think everyone will agree - even my qualifier. But because of anger, the affects of alcoholism, etc., maybe things are being said in earshot.

I should have called my sponsor this weekend. A voice inside my head called out three times to call him. The other voice said this was NOT Al-Anon related, so leave him alone. The other voice saying "don't call" was the ego - the voice wanted me to feed on the fear represented by anger. On Monday, I called him. Told him about the voices - and said, "Next time I am calling - even when I don't think it is Al-Anon related." He said, "Absolutely, because it ALL is!"

Interesting. What a friendship! What advice/guidance I receive from him. In truth, as soon as I speak my words out loud confidentially - I almost know what he is going to say. And I know what to do. I just need to "vent" or say the words out loud - almost as if I can measure what I am saying.

Anyway, my fears were unfounded yesterday. I cannot be specific here, but I found that my fear of me losing out - was not justified. I had created scenarios in my head Saturday that placed me in a bad state of mind. I have so much to learn, and the fact that I slipped back into my head and did not call, says I need more programming of the program. I am so grateful to have a program.

Last note, my daughter and her friend and I went roller blading at the park Sunday. It could have been a national disaster, as the trip to the big park was 25 minutes in the car - a lifetime for 11 year olds. And then the wrong socks - they brought footies! I have soooo much to learn. My daughter clinging on me every second - holding on for dear life. I brought them to the restaurant at the park. They have cement floors. I bought them Cokes. And sort of "left" them - to be on their own. They loved being their with all the cool park people.

They skated on the cement floors. When I "picked" them back up, my daughter was skating by herself. Wow! I guess the restaurant with chairs to hold onto and smooth floors was the training ground for them. I am sure two cute girls were no match for the patrons.

We went back down after school yesterday - me and her. There are no hills in the park, until you are wearing roller-blades. Then, any incline and decline becomes a mountain. Well, we went down a mountain yesterday, her clinging onto my arm, she fell twice and I was able to pull her back up before she fell again all in a matter of like 5 seconds. The spill - fortunately - was uneventful, except some park people looking at us - which caused embarrassment for her. I was relieved there were no scrapes as she was wearing really short shorts. Note to Joe: Long pants for her next time!

"Gee, Thanks for Sharing."

2008-09-09T07:32:00.005-04:00

Al-Anon - a good one liner for people trying to provoke us.

I must admit, I stole this one liner. I stole it from the website - Loveandlogic.com

The website is about raising children and has some great articles. One of the articles is about "tease proofing" our children. The article discusses how a 2nd grade teacher taught his class a "cool look" and how to maintain it when being teased. It also gave a one-liner for the child to say back to the tormentor.

The one-liner "Thanks for sharing."

I thought, "How cool."

I was hooked by my qualifier last week. I engaged. I retorted. I gave my rebuttal.

But I lost serenity. Not a good trade.

It happened again yesterday when she called and told me how "unnice" I am.

Well, the next time someone says something that may trigger me, I am going to say, "Thanks for sharing." with no hostility or anger or sarcasm. I need to work on the cool look though. My child says I look anything but cool. "Geez, thanks for sharing!"

For more on my stealing here is the pdf http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/teaseproof.pdf

A Request From A Reader

2008-09-04T17:07:00.005-04:00

The following request was made by a reader. Here is her question. Please add your thoughts as you feel appropriate.

Just a word to the person making this request for advice. None of us are qualified to provide any advice . . . We can give you examples and ideas of what actions you could take. However, I say this with caution - the advice is worth exactly as much as you paid for it. We are not in your shoes. We have no emotional attachment. And we can hardly understand your situation.

BUT . . . There ARE some things you can do, such as; "Keep the focus on you" and what you can do to set up "boundaries" and "detach with love" . . . .

Here is the request from a reader:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need advice. My husband has been cutting back on his alcohol usage. It was causing great pain within our marriage. His father is an alcoholic and alcohol is the bond shared between the two whenever they get together.

My mother in law has chosen not to ever discuss the pain in her marriage to an alcoholic and I respect that. I have mentioned to her several times that my husband, her son, struggles with abusing alcohol. Sadly, she points at me as being far from perfect,end of talk. At our most recent family gathering I mentioned to her that our marriage was improving since we were actively taking measures to address the alcohol abuse and he'd agreed to cut back.

A month goes by and she calls my husband via his cellphone and invites him home to New York to spend quality time with his father in a BAR watching and Irish football game for the weekend. I am hurt by her attempts to separate my husband from his family in TX and place him in an environment that he's weakest in.

Anytime spent with his father always revolves around excess beer drinking. She didn't invite me or speak with me about this. I'm pretty sure she knows how I'd feel. I feel she's not respecting me and our children. We have 3. They need a healthy father. I hoped she'd support his efforts to cut back and not place a gun to his disease.

Any thoughts on how I should respond? I feel she's not being respectful of me. Please help.

Thx in advance and sorry this is so long.

Sarcasm or Self-Effacing Humor Anyone?

2008-09-02T20:17:00.004-04:00

Where I grew up, we all used sarcasm to one degree or another. Later in life, I learned how to use self-effacing humor. I would - essentially - poke fun at myself.

Also, I would use sarcasm, not a mean sarcasm, but what I considered to be a little good natured fun, a teasing, poking gentleness toward others. It was my way of showing my affection for the other person. I would do this with males and females (when I was single).

With females it is a form of flirting - this teasing thing. So I was always careful never tease a female when I was married.

At Al-Anon a few people in various meetings came up to me and asked me not to poke fun at myself. They did not like hearing me criticize myself. My response was a very "Really? Is that how you hear it?" A resounding "yes" would be the reply.

Let me give you an example of one time when I shared. I said, "Hi I'm Joe. I must be the biggest idiot in the entire eastern hemisphere because of what I did yesterday. Wait until you hear this . . . " Or something like that. I was using drama - for effect - and probably - no definitely - for laughter through being ridiculous by exaggeration.

I truly do not think I am the biggest idiot. There are far greater idiots than me.

You see, there it is again. That last sentence.

Is that sarcastic? Is that self-effacing?

The person, whom I respect very much, came up to me and said, "I like Joe. I don't like Joe criticizing Joe." Now, she is married. She isn't hitting on me. I would have thought that a LONG time ago - possibly. But she really meant what she said. Since that time, my humor is being observed to see if I do this often.

I can tell you I asked others in Al-Anon about self-effacing humor. They said, "No don't do it." My therapist, Sherpa, guide to places I am heading without a compass or map, said the same, "Stop it now."

However, there were two guys on a boat on the lake this weekend that said, "What? Self-effacing humor is great stuff. As long as you don't take it too seriously." Of course these guys are guys. These guys are a "type cast" set of guys - like the ones - from New Jersey, or Miami or boat (pronounced boat - meaning "both" - it's a NY or NJ or Miami accent - which by the way I don't have and I am neither condoning nor condemning - however - if you are in NY and you want to rumble - I will have to say "I can take on boat of yas" - meaning "both of you.").

Anyway. I am cutting back on the self-effacing humor. I am eliminating sarcasm all together.

I would like your thoughts on whether there is room for self-effacing humor in life.

This is just something - a pause

2008-09-02T13:21:00.002-04:00

This probably has absolutely nothing to do with Al-Anon, but it may help you and help others.

I receive a lot of phone calls. Phone calls from some very bright and worldly people. But when they leave me a voice message, you would not believe the how fast they talk and how when they leave their phone number, the numbers run together and I have to jump back to the place in the voices message where they start to leave the return number. What a pain!

I wonder how many clients receive voice messages from sales people who leave their numbers and - maybe the client DOES want to return the call - but cannot understand the phone number left on their answering machine.

This last one - left by super smart guy - a Senior Vice President with a super good accent (Canadian accents are so clean and clear), but even he, as he was leaving his return number left no pauses between the area code and the next three numbers and therefore the numbers all ran together.

Instead of 800 pause 543 pause 1022, it became 8053122, or something like that.

Even after rewinding it three times - I think I got it. Someone once told me, I could slow down the voice message. Hmmmm, should I have to? Sure - if it's my boss, I guess I would have to. But shouldn't we know better?

Take your time when you leave a message. Put the pauses in there. And, repeat it again.

Maybe this is my sign of codependency kicking in or people pleasing, but it sure would be nice to have a clear number to call someone back on.

Today I Celebrated ONE YEAR!

2008-08-29T17:29:00.002-04:00

Celebrating my birthday in Al-Anon - one year.

Today, I celebrated one year in Al-Anon. I feel like it's been 5 years, probably because I have averaged around 5 or 6 meetings a week - if not more. I sometimes go to two meetings a day.

You might ask why. I find that I had to escape my house filled with alcoholism and that by escaping, getting out of the house, I could regain peace . . . or semblance of it. I realized that I had to get out permanently, because of my daughter's welfare.

I am now out. I am realizing how screwed up the alcoholism had made me. The lies, deceit, and its craftiness to make me feel like there wasn't anything wrong, or that I was "controlling" and "crazy." These feelings are often discussed in the literature and by newcomers - and old-timers of Al-Anon who can recall the sickness of this family disease.

The main point of this disease is - I almost DID NOT celebrate my one year - what we call "Birthday" in Al-Anon. I almost did not sign up - or I should say - I did not sign up. For my true birthday was in June. I felt "unworthy" and didn't want to be a "bother" or "burden" anyone. It wasn't a martyr thing either - I can assure you. And I don't "slip obsequiously into the night" about things - especially about work or related matters. The people I see on a regular basis are super nice and loving and most of all - accepting.

I decided to "sign-up" to celebrate when I realized that this is another part of my disease speaking out. I decided I must do what feels bothersome and therefore celebrate it.

Well, it was too late for a coin. But my sponsor and a very super smart woman gave me there coins. I am indebted and I am grateful.

I have never thought I would experience the "magic" of something - this is far more than a 12-Step Program, for it helped me regain my lost self and find God - whom has guided me gently through this obstacle course. I have found when something went wrong, something good came of it. When something bad happened, it was really a blessing in disguise.

I am grateful to all of you dear readers - I know you are reading and having times of difficulty - or you are embracing your program and have found peace or are working the Steps and the program and finding a new way of life.

It does work. It is the most amazing thing.

My God Box

2008-08-29T06:50:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note to God:

Thank you for providing not just one answer to my request, but two.

I am grateful. Very grateful.

I Could've Done This!!!!

2008-08-28T18:52:00.002-04:00

I hope your Friday goes really well and your weekend is even better.

If this doesn't make you laugh . . . well we need to check your pulse!

It's called the Evolution of Dance

Meeting with Someone

2008-08-28T06:43:00.002-04:00

Wednesday morning I was mugged. Yep . . . mugged. Not literally, but figuratively. I met a person, a consultant, who was from another city for breakfast. He started to interviewing me, basically sizing me up. This happens often in business - but usually done with some class - very indirectly and the person who asks - actually listens.

This guy . . . well he had his answers shaped in his head as to what he wanted. And he wanted the answer right away. He asked, "What is a 'professional'?"

"Er, what?!" I wanted to ask.

My old days I would have danced. I would have asked him a question or two, to see what he was thinking and where he was going. Now-a-days, I don't give a flip (substitute your word here - "flip" is the word I choose to stay G Rated this morning.)

I did sit there in the midst a staccato burst of questions, wondering "How in the world did I get involved with this guy? And thank God that the other people in the company he is representing is not like him - or so I hope - at least not over the phone they aren't.

He was sizing me up and then gave me advice at the end. Part of me - the old me - wanted to take my debating skills, sharpen up the tongue, and slice his points one by one, to demonstrate his not only pedantic questions were not in touch with reality of the business he was presenting, but that his knowledge and acumen and style of the business work works only if he is part of the Mafia.

Anyway, while I did feel anger come up, I managed it. Although I will tell you, there was a place where my disease wanted to tell him to cram it up his you know where. I would have felt great delight in saying that. But, why? It would have felt great for . . . 10 minutes? 5?

Then the regret. The guilt. I would have felt bad afterwards.

I wanted revenge, that's true. I don't liked being judged. I don't like when someone is trying to demonstrate they are smarter than I am, especially, oh, and this is the good one, especially because they don't know what I've been through to get to where I am.

Now, isn't that last sentence revealing? Is that the "victim" thing I hear about in Al-Anon popping up?

Yes. Been through a lot. So has everyone else.

My job: Not to allow anyone to destroy, tip over, upset - MY SERENITY.

My sponsor says: If you have a chose, choose the path or the option that leads you to serenity.

Not his exact quote - but it is basically what he says. He doesn't use the word "path," that's mine. I wanted to sound "poetic" - another defect - not that poetry is bad - but that I am wanting to show that I am - well smart or worse - smarter than I am!

Ha! Today is going to be an excellent day.

PS - I am traveling. Staying at the Swissotel. Nice place. Bought chocolate baseballs for my daughter last night. They are the little round chocolates wrapped in baseball looking foil. Well, on the way to the restaurant I found the store that sold them. So, while in the restaurant, at the bar waiting for a table, I set the bag on this counter, on the wall. And you can guess where this may be going . . . the bag fell. And the baseballs fell out and rolled all around the bar. People laughed. I was - embarrassed - BUT - at the price of those chocolates, guess who was on the floor picking up baseballs?

Self Acceptance

2008-08-25T16:59:00.003-04:00

Al-Anon; Self-Acceptance; Judging

In Al-Anon meetings, I rarely hear of anyone speaking on Self-Acceptance. I thought I would write this post about it and see if it makes sense and will help you. When I first read about self-acceptance and these words, I thought, "Wow. Very interesting . . . . Now I can put it to the test.

I believe judging yourself does not do you or anyone else any good. It only hurts and worse, it can wind up destroying yourself from the inside out.

One way to test - to see if you are judging yourself - is this;

Notice how you feel when you're in a group of people. Do you feel fragmented or do you feel complete?

By complete, I mean, do you feel whole? Of complete value? Or do you feel a little "less than?"

I am not saying that you should not act differently when you are at work, versus when you are with family or friends. We all have "roles" we have to play. I believe this is normal and frankly it would be hard to be the same way you are work as you are at home or with friends.

These are just roles. And we are not our roles.

Be aware of your behavior and how you feel in different situations.

Our Higher Power works through us and can make us feel complete and whole - because - I believe we are. And I believe we can be at peace and have serenity anytime and anyplace.

A Downer Al-Anon Meeting? YOU Must Read This!!

2008-08-23T06:09:00.008-04:00

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was led by a very articulate person, a person who asked me to lunch several times and we talked about our "situations." He too, has/had the same situation I have. One child, and a wife drinks/drank - the divorce.

Anyway . . .

He read from "How Al-Anon Works" a section in the back about a man whose sons were drinking - teenagers - and how the man, the father, became better and "took back over" as head of the family and gave the two boys the ultimatum; "Stop drinking/smoking pot, or get out."

It reminded me that this month is the month that I started this blog. And where I was in my recovery a year ago.

A lot of people shared. It was rather emotional for some. There was crying because of certain family situations. And the reading prompted the words "detachment, letting go, and choices."

At the end of the meeting, the discussion leader, who is very strong and what I would consider serene and well into recovery, came up to me and another person at the end of the meeting, and apologized, saying he didn't mean for it to be a "downer of a meeting." I replied, "I thought it was a good meeting. There was a lot of sharing."

I was over talking to someone else, and again, this person who is strong in recovery, came over and said, "I am sorry about the meeting topic being a downer." I replied, again, "It was a good meeting. I didn't see it as a downer."

When I got home last night - I was thinking; "Why did he think it was a bad meeting? Was it because people were crying and expressing their hurts and pain and fear?"

Many times now, as I look back, I see this pattern of men, expressing how the meeting turned into a "bitch session" or how the person expressing pain was "whining." I am not sure if the women do this, but I have not heard them say anything like this.

Interesting.

Interesting how some feel that expressing pain or sorrow or hurt or fear or anger or some negative emotion may be bad.

My initial analysis is: I do the same thing as my friend does or did. I want to the meeting to be happy, joyous, serene.

And, I want people to think "Man, he is ze most brillllliannnt of all the people in zee vorld." (use the accent of some mad German scientist).

Yep. That's my disease kicking in.

I suspect, that his disease is similar.

My analysis (and this is my disease too - the analysis thing) is this; he was attached to the outcome. He was emotionally attached to a result. And not achieving the desired result he was hoping for, his ego got hold of him and perhaps, made him feel, well, "less than" what he desired.

You can almost hear the ego's voice saying, "See. You are not that brilliant. You were not uplifting. You are but still 'less than' others. You'll never make it." And on and on the ego goes, pulling you/him, forever downward.

As the ego grabs hold of this person's brain and spirals downward, I liken it to an alligator grabbing it's victim in a death roll, until the victim drowns.

What makes the meeting bad?

Answer: Our labeling of it as so. There ain't the Al-Anon Meeting Olympic Committee. No Olympic Judges reviewing us. Their ain't no judges from Russia screwing with the point system. It is only our labeling it as "bad" that makes it bad. Does this make sense?

Ponder this for a second. "It is only our labeling of something of 'bad' that makes it bad."

Oh - I can hear the arguments going off in the heads of the readers of this right now.

The argument is you ego trying to take control of you. It is trying to make you "right." Don't let it. Observe it though.

But back to the point about labeling it as bad. Next thing we do; we gather the facts or our interpretation of the facts to support our labeling of it as bad. We look for all the reasons to protect our label and make the label the correct label. In other words, we look for the reasons or facts that make it "bad" and support the label. Why? Because we want to be right. And the ego wants you to feel like shit.

However, what if . . .

What if crying at the meeting was a sign that it was a good meeting? What it bitching actually helped someone release pent up energy and negativity he or she could not otherwise express? Especially express somewhere else? Expression of bad shit happening in one's life is why Al-Anon is such as GREAT place - because - it's here that it is safe to do so.

And my friend . . .

Well, he gave everyone the key to unlock the door that behind the door was a bunch of crap to be let go and explored as it was thrown out into the middle of the circle to view for the first time out loud.

This is power. This is the power of these rooms. A safe place to feel. A safe place to express. A safe place to screw-up (if you label it as such). And "screwing up" is just a label. Who actually judges whether it is a screw-up or not? And if we all judge it as a screw-up - it does not make us "right."

Interesting.

To my friend I would say; You may want to explore your feeling about it being a "downer" of a meeting last night. Why do you think it was? And why does it make any difference if it really was?

And, me - I should explore why I feel compelled to point this out to him? I know the answer. I will admit I would like to print this post off and hand him this post for him to read.

My answer as to why:
1. I want to help him see his illness. In other words, I want to fix him. (Control)
2. I want him to see my brilllll-ant writing and have him recognize that; I am ze best in ze vorld. Supersmart.

My answer is my disease.

I have control over my disease. I will not print this off and show him.

Signs of Strange Behavior

2008-08-21T08:13:00.006-04:00

This post is about strange behavior of the alcoholic. Some things I should have seen as not "normal." I was lulled into a sense that this is a normal behavior pattern for a person. Below are some of the signs I maybe could have seen and recognized as alcoholism.

As you know, my story is one where I lived with alcoholism for years. I was married to an alcoholic.

Here's the strangest thing. I never knew that my wife - my "qualifier" was drinking. I just grew accustomed to how she was behaving and "just thought" that this - her strange and erratic behavior was normal.

Here are some signs of the strange behavior;

1. Failure at being on time - to anything. I am not compulsive about being "on time" especially outside of the business world. But being late all the time - for anything and everything should have been a "sign" that something was wrong.

By the way, her parents had the same problem with her. She would always be late to everything. And they thought it was "just her."

2. Forgetfulness. Yes, forgetting - a lot. Even forgot to pick her daughter up from school - or was late. Forgot to go grocery shopping - so there was little or no food in the house.

3. Shopping all the time. Another addiction. Forever leaving the house and shopping at the grocery store. It was "just one more thing" at this store or that.

4. Being unorganized - all the time.

5. Moodiness . . . especially at certain times. At 5PM every day she would become the devil. Her face would actually contort - twist - and she would be pissed off at me.

6. Being called a "Control Freak" - is a sign that you maybe controlling. But you are controlling something you don't understand and don't know why. For example, when you start asking questions about why your spouse is going out and you get "none-sensical answers" and you are then called a "control freak" - you may not be the problem, but your intuition is trying to tell you something is wrong and you are NOT listening or you are rationalizing it away. Being called a control freak may be a sign that you are controlling - you are not bad - you are just trying to figure out something that is not making sense. The problem is not recognizing that something is actually wrong.

7. Being controlling. Once you step into trying to control this disease - you lose. You lose your identity and the disease in the other person becomes more powerful in that the disease tells the alcoholic - "See, she/he is a bad person. Let's drink some more."

8. Missing work. Missing planes. Missing assignments. This occurred with Girl Scouts.

9. House a wreck. Car a wreck. I mean a mess. When stuff is scattered all over the floor -clothes or whatever or crud in the car - this is a sign. She was medicating herself away from the reality of life.

10. In my case - our daughter was always being "medicated." It was Motrin this and Motrin that for any pain. I have 4 full bottles of Motrin over my house (I no longer live with my wife and have filed for the big D in hopes that I could/can show some normalcy for our daughter). Our daughter would bring these bottles over in her suit case. I take them out and place them in the cupboard now. She was "in pain." But for some reason, once she was here, the pain was forgotten. I think this may be some sort of transference - my wife medicates herself and she wants to medicate our daughter. As I write this - I am a little pissed about this and would like to figure out what the heck to do about it.

11. Neighborhood women - they were sorta talking about my wife and how "funny" she was. I never "drilled down" into asking what they meant or what they were referring to.

12. Eating habits. My wife would eat a lot. Would these be munchies?

13. She was overly caring about what the neighbors thought of her. She wanted to show she was "perfect" on the outside, but in our home, it was a disaster. No dinners for us. But she would cook food for others who were coming home from the hospital after a baby was born or some event. Their dinner was perfect. Ours, well it sucked or did not exist. A big sign. The alcoholic and the alcoholism does not want to be found out, and wanted to put on a "perfect front." This is very normal in an alcoholic home. Sometimes the spouse of the alcoholic wants to put on the air of everything normal over here. But in reality - the house is screwed. And it - the pretending and denial affects the children - here's how: their gut/intuition is telling them something is wrong - but they are being told "don't worry about it" or "everything is normal" and "don't tell anyone." Puts a big pressure on a little person and makes them grow up confused as all hell.

14. Too many glasses of wine. Kendall Jackson was the affair with whom my wife had. I wonder how may people are drinking to be healthy and in reality - are now alcoholics . . . I really wonder. Who would think an alcoholic could be a white wine drinker?

15. Wife would go MIA for 10 minutes or 30 minutes. Our house was fairly large. So she could hide and drink. Another sign. Duh.

Anyway, these were some of my signs I "coulda," - "shoulda" seen

Please share your experience, strength and hope for others.

I know the focus needs to be on us - but there are some people out there who may be experiencing alcoholism and they are like us - they never knew it or don't know it - and need help to see it.

Fear and Honesty

2008-08-19T14:03:00.003-04:00

Just got back in from Denver. Left early this morning to catch the noon day meeting. The topic was Fear and Honesty. Great topic.

Fear. Are we afraid to be honest? And if we were honest, what have we to fear? Others reactions? Maybe. Others not accepting us?

I am not talking about what someone referred to as brutal honesty. I am referring to just being honest in speaking what we mean. Not saying it meanly.

I was never a person who had fear. Now that I am coming "clean" - I can see where I may have covered up my fear with something else: false bravado; anger; jealousy . . .

My fear of losing what I had or was not getting. Perhaps. My fear of showing the world I too am just "human" and that I have foibles just like - well - everyone else.

What if we had no fear? And we were just honest? What would that feel like? No fear and honest to ourselves, to everyone. That would be a relief - a burden lifted. A feeling - I would like to experience. I am getting glimpses of these feelings.

Hope you are well