tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4515095870377626402024-03-14T03:43:58.413-04:00Just For Today - Leveraging The Tools of Al-AnonThis is a blog on Al-Anon tools, and the experience, wisdom, courage and hope of others who have been where you have been.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger322125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-18585416518124808132009-07-31T05:15:00.004-04:002009-07-31T05:23:45.081-04:00A Sign?<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ApxxKKoZ9Ek/SnK2w4fIPZI/AAAAAAAAAr0/RJnX-LWyPrA/s1600-h/everything+will+be+ok+4+Key.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5364551057064607122" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ApxxKKoZ9Ek/SnK2w4fIPZI/AAAAAAAAAr0/RJnX-LWyPrA/s400/everything+will+be+ok+4+Key.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br />In my hometown, I was jogging and I came across this sign. I stopped in mid tracks, startled. And then I looked up laughing and said, "I got it. Okay, I got it!"<br /><br />This was the day after I was affirming the same words in a notebook, in a three day management meeting. The VERY same words.<br /><br />I just had to take this picture . . .<br /><br />(The labels for this are interesting)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-29577694113031722472009-07-21T07:00:00.003-04:002009-07-21T07:16:47.965-04:00Everything will be OK<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ApxxKKoZ9Ek/SmWgwuzW2TI/AAAAAAAAArs/wOrZxolt3JE/s1600-h/everything+will+be+ok.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360867690512046386" style="WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 250px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ApxxKKoZ9Ek/SmWgwuzW2TI/AAAAAAAAArs/wOrZxolt3JE/s400/everything+will+be+ok.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I am going to be Ok. New signage to follow. I am taking a break - but I shall return in August.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-44123219074036454822009-07-06T13:27:00.002-04:002009-07-06T13:30:35.721-04:00Good ThoughtsI have not posted in about 2 weeks. I took a mini-vacation. Today I am realizing how most everything I think about reverberates throughout the universe.<br /><br />My life is what my thoughts have been.<br /><br />Or said another way, "My life is due to what I think about."<br /><br />If I change my thinking - remove any negative thinking - I can become happier, more positive and acheive serenity.<br /><br />Today I am thinking good thoughts.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-90184358593294238082009-06-14T05:45:00.004-04:002009-06-14T06:02:25.665-04:00HappinessFrom the same book - by Ari Kiev<br /><br />A quote from Richard L Evans;<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have."</span><br /><br />I would like to provide a different - modified version;<br /><br />"May we never let the things we have done or haven't done, spoil our enjoyment of the things we are are doing. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to happy with what we are doing." [not what we have done wrong or done badly]<br /><br />I would also add - ". . . don't allow the things we have done, keep us from doing what we <em><strong>could be</strong></em> doing."<br /><br />My brain is so crazy - I beat myself up for stupid things I have done. I flog myself. I use self-perpetuated guilt. I am doing that now - I did some dumb things in the past few weeks.<br /><br />I am catching myself - and I need to be gentle with myself - something I don't do very well.<br /><br />I looked up this person - Evans. And this is what I found:<br /><br />Richard L. Evans is best known for his inspirational messages given in the long-running weekly radio program "Music and the Spoken Word" with the <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1333483/">Mormon Tabernacle Choir</a>. As a General Authority of the Mormon Church, he was one of their most senior leaders.<br /><br />Evans became employed at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">KSL</span> Radio in Salt Lake City as a staff announcer in 1930. This began his long association with the <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1333483/">Mormon Tabernacle Choir</a>, for he announced the titles of compositions and gave station identification for the broadcast of programs that included hymns and choral works backed by The Tabernacle Organ. In time he began to include some short thoughts associated with the musical selections. These were well received and soon evolved into non-denominational inspirational "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">sermonettes</span>" usually less than two minutes, about moral principles, the inter-relationships of people, and the proper approach to life. <em><strong>His messages were ecumenical in nature, pointing out that the differences between people are not as great as what they have in common.</strong></em> [emphasis added - mine]<br /><br />Other quotes:<br /><ul><li>The undertaking of a new action brings new strength.</li><li>I don't think anything is unrealistic if you believe you can do it.</li><li>Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.</li><li>Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.</li></ul>PS - I am not endorsing nor opposing Mormons or any other religion, sect or nationality.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com139tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-42318922515907994942009-06-13T09:24:00.002-04:002009-06-13T09:31:36.473-04:00Surrendering to the NowGreat read from a person/therapist/counsellor Ari Kiev:<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">"Surrendering to the now turns off the incessant mental activity that projects negative images onto events. This reduces misinterpretation, distraction, and anxiety about future events and guilt over past events and creates a sense of calm. Surrender leads to an expansion of consciousness and increased control over you automatic nervous system, which enables you to stretch your performance in any activity beyond <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">conventional</span> limits. This leads to a state of "active passivity" whereby increased awareness, understanding, and tolerance allow you to control psychological processes."</span><br /><br />This reading/passage is very comforting to me. I surrender is a powerful concept that allows me to be in the moment and helps me refrain from labeling and judging things and people and events.<br /><br />Peace today is all I want and desire.<br /><br />Thank you Ari KievUnknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-20805105562854162312009-06-07T07:26:00.002-04:002009-06-07T07:49:33.590-04:00MaturityA great reading the other day. It came from a free Al-Anon pamphlet. The discussion leader read the 16 things behind maturity.<br /><br />The next week, different meeting, and I swear, I don't recall seeing this person at the previous meeting, held the same exact discussion. He copied the pamphlet and left it in the center of the room. Which of course is the Al-Anon way of saying, "You don't have to pick it up and read it." Of course this another way of not trying to exert ones behavior or opinion on another.<br /><br />And of course we all jumped up and grabbed a copy.<br /><br />But this morning I am writing about "maturity" too.<br /><br />I read a "non conference approved book" this morning. But there are many things I now read that relates to Al-Anon.<br /><br />Here is the quote:<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">"Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."</span><br /><br />There is solace in knowing this. Whatever the hell "solace" means. Who says "solace" by the way? A blogger without a large vocabulary. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ahhhhh</span>, sarcasm, used against the self - a false modesty and humbleness.<br /><br />In the past couple of days, I realized I am getting hooked again. My immaturity and seeking certain outcomes - sometimes by forcing solutions and attaching my self-worth to the outcome is getting me into a little trouble. I am "<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">fighting</span>" by arguing. I love a good debate. I seek it out in many ways. I can cut through a person's words and sentences and even the sentence structure (even though I suck at English <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">grammar</span>) just to "win." But it only occurs when someone "attacks me." <br /><br />What are people doing when people attack me?<br /><br />I am renting a nice 4 or depending who you ask - a 5 bedroom house. My "other" house is paid off and that is where my Whenever to be ex lives. It is expensive and well -worth a lot of money - AND paid off. I am a saver of money. Spend thrift. Well, I got trigger because my landlord - to whom I pay A LOT of mullah to (that's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">money</span> in English slang), stated in a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">friggin</span>' email that I was not "allowing <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Realtors</span> to 'show' the house. and that I should Section 3 of the contract."<br /><br />Well, dear Joseph, my ugly side, read Section 3. I am not an attorney, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once, shot back reread Section 3 and pointed out certain words and phrases like "appropriate times" and "consideration" and etc. And I shoved that across the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Internet</span> cable like a grenade going up their you know what.<br /><br />I was triggered. I felt "how dare they?" I have more money that them. I busted my ass all my life and now I am stuck in a rented home having them tell me that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">realtors</span> can come anytime they want to (some want to come at 6PM at night while I am eating dinner or changing clothes and I said "No." I would have said, Okay before and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">sacrificed</span> myself and well-being and my needs for people I don't even know. But now, with Al-Anon programming, I am a worthwhile person and I COME FIRST so don't fuck with me. Okay Al-Anon does not say "don't fuck with me." But I am worthy. And I do come first. So now I say "No" without much guilt. Whereas before, guilt would leap around for several hours in my brain on a trampoline.<br /><br />So, they are pissed I am making the realtor work around my schedule. Well, tough. I read Section 3. And .....<br /><br />Isn't life grand? Life gives me all sorts of tests. Major and minor to test my maturity. Life equals reality. Al-Anon teaches me to experience reality and be mature. Also to act mature. And realize I am not perfect and that's okay.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-51540884735589748552009-06-04T07:08:00.006-04:002009-06-04T07:58:53.994-04:00Control, Offering Opinions and DependencyI am often amazed how members of Al-Anon will come up to me or some one else after a meeting and provide either advice or in the discussion - comment on what some one said or is saying. What I hear is - "That is not true it is this or that." Or what else I hear is "You should do this." And then there is a more indirect route, "Have you thought about . . . "<br /><br />No matter how we slice it - it is about control. Control is a path to dependency, by you who is controlling or by you, accepting the opinion.<br /><br /><br /><ol><li><span style="color:#000099;">No one <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">elses</span> opinion matters. Period. End of statement. Finis. </span></li><li><span style="color:#000099;">No one is right or wrong. Period. End of statement. Finis.</span></li><li><span style="color:#000099;">Very little matters. Which means; "Very little matters<em> in the world</em>. Period. End of statement. Finis.</span></li></ol>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Hmmmmm</span> . . .<br /><br />That last statement "Very little matters." Did it get you? Do you disagree? Are you thinking "what does matter then?" And, the thought of "Very little matters <em>in the world</em>." - are you labeling this? Are you labeling this as;<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">1. Wrong?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">2. Yes things do matter!! Everything matters!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">3. You are giving up! You cannot give up! We must fight to the death. Is that what this translates to for you?</span><br /><br />Yes.<br /><br />Very little matters.<br /><br />Even what I am typing - it doesn't matter.<br /><br />But our "attachments" - what we have "decided" as "right" is what is getting me (us/you) hooked. "Right" and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">righteousness</span>" - is an opposite opinion and is therefore "wrong" is a form of judgment. Being wrong makes us - "Less than" or "Unworthy." Is it the judgment that starts getting me hooked? What if <em><strong>it</strong></em> just <strong><em>is</em></strong>?<br /><br />What if being wrong was accepted in our society as "Good?" What if we rejoiced in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">another's</span> opinion - especially - if it was DEEPLY counter to ours?<br /><br />What if we celebrated wrong and difference of opinion?<br /><br />I am not talking about diversity - however - this discussion MAY BE the root of the diversity topic . . . not that my opinion matters -<br /><br />And this is not to say I am not a worthy and worthwhile person.<br /><br />Because here it is:<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I am a worthy and worthwhile person. AND of course - so are YOU!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"><br />Your opinion of me or my blog or my hair or my underwear does not really affect me.<br /></span></strong><br />Well isn't that SPECIAL . . . Apologies to Church Lady (aka Dana Garvey).<br /><br />I wish the sentence <strong>"Your opinion of me does not matter."</strong> what really true for me. I am hooked. I am attached to your opinion. I don't even know you and I am attached to your opinion.<br /><br />How about you? Are you attached to another person's opinion? Of you? Of the world?<br /><br />This is the control and dependency issue.<br /><br />Go back to the statements about - all three. Can you read them and REALLY FEEL them and accept these in the deepest part of your ego/soul/brain/conscious/subconscious?<br /><br />GOD - there is so much to learn.<br /><br />The closest I get to GOD is serenity. I achieve serenity - by being present. Feeling my feelings. And working on not being attached to what happens, what I am thinking, the future, what I "want" or "need" and what others think (what I THINK others think).<br /><br />I am aiming for peace and serenity.<br /><br />Again - as my sponsor says - When you have a choice (for thoughts and actions) aim for serenity.<br /><br />Today I am focusing on detachment.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-61494584462134498872009-05-27T07:25:00.002-04:002009-05-27T07:41:40.790-04:00Getting UnstuckOne of the things I have to get back to doing is "to risk."<br /><br />I have been under enormous (enormous? probably the right word, but my ego or voice inside my head, I cannot tell which one it is talking to me) pressure over the past year and a half. Separation, loss of job, looking for job, stock market, economy, new job, divorce proceedings, custody proceedings, money going out the door for lawyers, wife attacking, my brain working overtime, child going <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">thru</span> puberty, etc. all adding to the pressure.<br /><br />So, in order to "control" the pressure I have not been "risking" or "being out there on the high wire" at work as I probably could be. Or is it "should be." I know about the "should thing." But maybe there is a "should" every now and then. Maybe I am working just enough. And maybe working "just enough" is perfectly fine.<br /><br />I am not sure.<br /><br />This is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">dilemma</span>. Am I stuck? Am I afraid to reconnect with old business acquaintances because of the fear of rejection? <br /><br />HELLO??<br /><br />As I am writing this the thought comes to mind: What if they don't return my call? The ANSWER: So what? What will happen if they don't? Nothing. Except an ego bruise. AND the possibility of the ego taking control and making me feel "less than." <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Hmmmm</span>.<br /><br />Am I really "risking?"<br /><br />Bite sized chunks.<br />I know to get around the "stuck" thing is to make a list. Break down the thing I need or should or must do, into smaller, bite sized chunks, on a piece of paper. Then schedule time on my calendar to do them. And then, . . . , JUST DO IT (them).<br /><br />OK. Got it.<br /><br />This is where I am this morning.<br /><br />Also. I "attached" to something at work yesterday. And then when I "confronted" another manager, he started Bullshitting me, about how it's going to be better in the future. I told him I cannot wait and that the future is now. I told him, and I did it in the old way, that he cannot give me this crap about how good it's going to be. I don't think he ever was confronted before. <br /><br />Why did I have to go and attack his bullshit? Why couldn't I have just adjusted and worked it out more indirectly? Which is the right way to go? I am never sure. I know; say what you mean, but don't say it meanly.<br /><br />I said what I meant. I think it could have been interpreted as being mean. Now I fret, that he will tell others I am "explosive." I was not mind you - but I did tell him - not that he was full of shit, but he knew he could no longer ever bullshit me, just by my taking his words and tossing them into the garbage heap as "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">unmeaningful</span>."<br /><br />OK. How do I recover from this one? Apologize? Let it go? Or is it my head again that is causing me to worry about this? I am having difficulty with the balance.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-4811227991677970112009-05-25T07:52:00.002-04:002009-05-25T07:57:15.658-04:00Fear - Mastery of,This morning I am reminded that fear resides not outside me, but inside me. Fear is my reaction to my thoughts. Or my thinking about my thoughts of what "could be happening" or "could happen," but not necessarily what <em>is</em> happening.<br /><br />The solution, I read, is not eliminating fear, but transcending fear.<br /><br />Trying to eliminate fear is a trap. Trying to suppress my responses is also a trap. I need to become detached as an on-looker is; unbiased, non-judgmental, non-emotional, as if I were floating above the event watching it unfold.<br /><br />Can I do this? How can I remember to do this?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-24398460067512926732009-05-23T08:02:00.003-04:002009-07-03T06:56:29.478-04:00Another NEW DaySo. I was bummed out yesterday. Surprise? Nope. I went to bed, couldn't sleep and then woke up around 4AM.<br /><br />Yes. I did it. I vacuumed the house around 5AM!<br /><br />OKAY. Went to noon-day meeting. It was around slogans. "This too shall pass" seemed to be getting a lot of talking about.<br /><br />I spoke of it and said my version is; "This too shall pass. But I want it to pass now." I went on to say; "I am very fortunate. I am doing well. I am in good health. It is only my thinking that is doing 'it' to me."<br /><br />Yes. My thinking. Exacerbated by lack of sleep and a small cold I picked up Wednesday that I thought I knocked out Friday. Still have it apparently this morning.<br /><br />Went running yesterday AM before work. Good 3 miles. But need to do every morning/day. It makes a HUGE difference.<br /><br />Also need to get back into reading every morning.<br /><br />Called my sponsor yesterday as I was pissed. He pulled over to a parking lot to focus on what I was saying. We all have this obsessive thinking disease. We think way too much. We. I mean I. I don't know what we have. I know what I have. That is the "advisor" coming out in me. Focus on yourself dear Joseph.<br /><br />You can only control yourself. And damn that is hard enough.<br /><br />Focus on yourself and what is reality. No one is doing anything to you (me). They are too busy worried about their own things. Think about what you can control and shut up and shut off.<br /><br />Peace this morning.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-41818149425527685532009-05-22T06:01:00.005-04:002009-07-03T07:01:07.174-04:00A Book I Picked UpNot an Al-Anon book for sure. And before I tell you who the author is, I want to tell you what he writes.<br /><br />He writes what I could not write - but I feel it, and I have the same problem. My wife is an alcoholic, and she is, well, crazy. Yes. I said it. And she is feeding my child reasons as to why I am seeking a divorce. Ranging from I have/had a girlfriend (untrue) to I am a mean person.<br /><br />It pisses me off. And today, I am bummed out. My wife heads to the beach with our child and does not work, does not seek work, nor does she have to. She is feeding our child untruths.<br /><br />I prayed to God this morning and last night, asking for him to show me what it is I am not seeing, what I am not getting. I got on my knees asking for help this morning in the middle of the master bathroom.<br /><br />Yes. I am bummed out.<br /><br />I took my child to dinner last night. She did not want to eat. She wanted to buy a notebook pad from this upscale store for $29. I thought that was ridiculous. Of course, I have learned to not say that. But I did tell her "No, not now."<br /><br />Her mother bought a calendar from there. My child showed me. It was $25.<br /><br />I, of course, Googled calendars and printed off a free one.<br /><br />How is it I work, she doesn't and I save and she spends.<br />I filed for divorce because of the safety of this child. I am not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">despised</span>/<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">disdained</span> by the same child I sought to protect.<br /><br />We went to Barnes and Noble last night. I picked up a book .....<br /><br />On page 49;<br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">"If your spouse is not open and cooperative regarding divorced co-parenting, every day you spend disconnected from your child is another day that child adjusts to life without you. Although you may call regularly, or visit on alternating weekends, your influence in a child's day-to-day life wanes. It is as though the child takes her love for you and places it on a shelf."</span></em><br /><br />Sad. It is true. I could not explain it . . . but this does.<br /><br />The book is by someone I NEVER liked.<br /><br />He, in fact, screamed at his daughter and left it on a phone answering machine. You know who I am talking about now.<br /><br />When I heard this recording all over the news channels, I thought "How could anyone EVER talk to his daughter this way? He is absolutely an ASSHOLE."<br /><br />But now I know the frustration. I know how a child can be their parent's avenger. I see it first hand. <br /><br />Of course the book is by Alec Baldwin. It has so much truth about the legal system and divorce that it is absolutely uncanny how accurate it is and how it expresses the problems of co-parenting. And how judges don't give a shit. Lawyers are damn bastards. And how parents wage a war through the child.<br /><br />It is a war I am going to sit on the sidelines for.<br /><br />I remember my wife talking about Larry Byrd years ago, and how he never saw his daughter and what an asshole he was for doing that. I thought so too. But now I know. I know how a child you love turns against you and starts calling you names and does not want to be there because of the mother and how she has started to cast a pall over the father.<br /><br />I am bummed this morning. I need to get out of this funk by getting outside my head.<br /><br />I went to a meeting last night. I saw my sponsor. But I was so bummed, I left immediately after the closing prayer.<br /><br />I have got to get outside my head this morning.<br /><br />PS - Don't think I am <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">okaying</span> what Baldwin said to his daughter. But I now know he was hurt and torn and felt unappreciated. He lashed out. I now know that. I know how bitter he might have been. You not being in the same place may have the same initial impression I did of him.<br /><br />PPS - I will get out of this okay and of course, alive.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-70712255114424447762009-05-20T07:16:00.003-04:002009-05-20T07:44:19.279-04:00My Attempts Controlling My Attempts to ControlAbsolutely amazing. My attempts to control the uncontrollable. I even attempt to control my controlling. Think about that one for a minute.<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">Writers Comment: This is a long post today folks . . . but you have to read all it. I reveal some aspects of control that I have not always recognized.</span></strong><br /><br />This morning I thought about all the things I could and should do to "Stop a certain person" from spamming my little blog site. I thought about looking for a way to block this person from commenting.<br /><br />I remember this morning getting a little pissed off and figuring out a way to threaten this person.<br /><br />Retaliating against him. "Getting even." Hmmmm . . .<br /><br />Then I read a little passage. It was a small one sentence that stuck out in this book. It is a sentence that we all know - I mean - we heard it a million times. It wasn't <em><strong>even</strong></em> in an Al-Anon book. The sentence was just there -staring at me - and in the back of my head I was figuring out what I could do to <em>get back</em> at this person.<br /><br />Yep. I was "planning" and "scheming." I even had these hurtful words starting to enter my head as to how best to wound him so he would go away. Yes. I will admit this.<br /><br />Then the words; <span style="color:#000099;"><em>"The only thing you can control is yourself."</em> </span><span style="color:#000000;">showed up in the middle of the paragragh.</span><br /><br />I laughed - or smiled is more like it. Yes. My attempt to control was going on in my head. I had "get back at you" strategies going on.<br /><br />What a laugh. <br /><br />So what someone is spamming my little blog site. He is really causing no harm. Does he really know me? Does he know any of us?<br /><br />He was on my "little site" before. I looked him up. He's from some where in Australia. Actually I know the city and just about everything about him. Yes. I was attempting to control. I wasted a lot of time looking him up. His own blogspot had a lot about him. He revealed a lot about his family, where he lived, how he grew up and how he found his beliefs.<br /><br />Yes. I was "going to get back." Retaliate. Why? Anger. But it was fear based. What was I afraid of? His opinion? Of me. Of you? I was going to defend you. That's what I did as the oldest one. I defended my brothers and sister. I helped them through school. Now I was going to defend me and you. From what? His opinion? His cutting and pasting of long stuff?<br /><br />I could wound him now. I could say "Can't you write? Do you know ha, ha, ha etc is really not so intelligent? And cutting and pasting someone elses words is another form of stupidity and non-original thinking? And . . . " But I know he's been asked these types of questions before you see. I can sense it. That is where I can wound. I used my sensing ability to defend through my words. <br /><br />My controlling power is well honed. It's sharp. It pops up in the most little things in life. I cannot control it because it is so hard to recognize.<br /><br />Even my deleting of his comments are an attempt to control.<br /><br />I even thought about using humor. Here was going to be my post;<br />~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />Dear Mickey,<br /><br />I have someone I would like you to meet. Obviously you are a lonely soul. Mickey meet my ex-wife. Ex-wife, meet Mickey. <br /><br />Please torture each other.<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />Yes. That would be funny I thought. But again, my humor is another attempt to control.<br /><br />All these things were going on inside my head - very, very fast. Quickly processing. In seconds I had formulated several strategies to wound, attack, control, get even, be funny, be smart etc. Seconds.<br /><br />Controlling the uncontrollabe. How pervasive is this in my life?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-80482115190785008762009-05-19T06:42:00.002-04:002009-05-19T06:59:11.934-04:00Just In: Live Your VisionI am <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">rerere</span>-reading A Strategy for Daily Living by Ari Kiev. Great books have to be read many times. And in this little obscure book lies great secrets of living life AND being successful.<br /><br />First chapter: A Worthy Purpose.<br /><br />This sentence struck me this morning;<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;"><em>When you focus too heavily on the attainment of your goals instead of on the process of living your vision, you will find yourself living too much in the future instead of the present.</em></span><br /><br />And:<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">As soon as you accomplish something or get what you want, you will become attached to it and then begin to pursue the objective, not as an expression of the larger vision of yourself and the world, but because you are caught up in wanting more of what you have a achieved.</span> </em>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-62483113383759750782009-05-17T05:46:00.003-04:002009-05-17T06:06:44.054-04:00TomorrowTomorrow in Al-Anon is non-existent in the sense that I have my head in the future and what "will" happen or what "might" happen.<br /><br />In today's reading from Courage to Change it talks of tomorrow. The opening line is;<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">"When we talk of tomorrow," says a Chinese <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">proverb</span>, "the gods laugh." They laugh not because they find us ridiculous, but because they know the future is not predictable. Thus, we have no choice but to live "One day at a time."</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">I can make plans, but I cannot determine the results.</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em><br />This is me. It was me in a big way. I spent all my hours - and I am not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">exaggerating</span> here - living in the future. When I was on vacation, I would work, worrying about next week when I got back. When I was in the water at the beach very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">rarely</span> did I just enjoy it - except when body surfing - where I had to be conscious - but I can look back and still remember thinking about "later" or "what I need to do" and "how I need to make sure everyone was in the car ready to go for dinner."<br /><br />Is this true? Or is my brain just saying this?<br /><br />I can remember - telling a colleague - that when driving from a client's office I would often - always - visualize myself coming into my building - literally opening the door of the building by pulling it open and then walking down the hall - thinking about who I might run into - people who worked for me and anticipating what issues they may bring to me and then getting into my office and working down my "to do" list.<br /><br />I was proud of that fact of my ability to visualize.<br /><br />Here in Al-Anon it really is a program of focusing on the NOW. I never would have heard this - if it wasn't for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Eckard</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Tolle's</span> books on the subject. As soon as I read (no studied it) I started hearing about the "Now" in Al-Anon. It was all over the place. What a rip-off! You can join Al-Anon and get this information for free and make it part of your being instead of going to these self-help seminars on the "Power of Now." Not really a rip-off. Just making a point about this program and how deep and rich it can be if you work it and it will work you.<br /><br />You get just what you need . . . and I (you) can leave the rest.<br /><br />Oh yes. One more - important thing.<br /><br />Al-Anon seems to be somewhat of a contradiction. I will say it is Not - because I am defending it. But to the "untrained eye" - it may be. As we don't bring in religions you will find quotes from various religious beliefs.<br /><br />Today's quote for example is a good one. But it is from the Bible.<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">"Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself."<br /></span></em><br />Interesting. And, I wonder if they had semi-colons back in the day. <br /><br />There is tomorrow. I just need to do the footwork today. Cannot make the future occur the way I wish it would.<br /><br />Peace this Sunday.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-51836430799081039442009-05-15T06:24:00.005-04:002009-05-15T06:52:30.759-04:00Everytime - I Get What I NeedOne of the miracles in Al-Anon is, I seem to always get what I need at a meeting.<br /><br />I read the daily reading in our meeting at the noon group meeting this past Wednesday, May 13. It's part of the format of this group to read the Steps, Traditions, Concepts and Warranties as well as the daily reading from any of the 3 daily readers.<br /><br />So, as I read this passage, I was saying, "Damn. Just what I need. A - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">friggin</span>' - gain." To myself mind you, as I don't let random thoughts pop out of my head and disrupt the flow of the meeting!<br /><br />Recently - over the past few years - I have been - God I hate to admit this - <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">reluctant</span> to make decisions and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">reluctant</span> to confront people. This is very recent, as I was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">confronter</span>. I am now afraid to open certain emails - as I "just know" they are going to be zingers (usually from my wife and the people I am renting this house I am now in).<br /><br />The reading struck me. It was just what I needed, as I am touched or haunted with "dread" on certain aspects of my life. I have been burned before and therefore a little indecisive. Here is the passage from Courage to Change May 13 that struck me and was just what I needed;<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">For a time I avoided making decisions because I was sure that there was some "magical" right choice that would get me what I wanted, yet I never seemed to know what that choice was. I waited until the last minute to decide and never felt good about my choices. Today I know that choosing not to decide is to decide.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">It can be very liberating to make a decision. Once the decision is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">made, I</span> can trust that the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">consequences</span> will unfold as they should. With a slight change in attitude, perhaps I can await them with excitement and hope rather than fear and dread.</span><br /><br />This is where I am today. When I make a decision or I am waiting for a response or I get the response (the email or call from my soon-to-be-ex or maybe someday-ex), I have this fear and dread feeling come over me.<br /><br />I have not been to as many meetings as I would like. I am so busy at work and was so busy preparing for divorce. And so busy trying to regain my personal life. And so busy trying to stay in shape. And so busy . . .<br /><br />I am forgetting being centered. My centering is the most important thing in this list. It affects everything else.<br /><br />The meeting was just what I needed. This passage hit me in head. It had the two words "fear" and "dread" -<br /><br />Also - by the way - the word "consequences" above has typically a negative connotation to some. But it is not the true definition of the word. Consequences are just results of actions -neither positive or negative. I know, I looked the word up many years ago, and unless they changed the definition this is correct. Why are you typing this by the way Joseph? Well in your need to help (read control) others, you want them to understand the word in the passage. Also, are you trying to help (control)? And show (control) you are smart? Man, I read control all the way through this.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-31138548351215908742009-05-10T07:38:00.004-04:002009-05-10T07:46:13.467-04:00Just In: What I Don't DoJust In: In Al-Anon I learn to give up control of others, events and other things "outside my circle."<br /><br />This morning I am reading an interesting thought that I want to share. Here it is:<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">In time you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you <em><strong>don't </strong></em>do.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;">I like this thought. I am going to sit with it. I do a sort of "inventory" when I have something I must do or when I am reacting to something. I ask; "Will this help - that is - if I do something, will this make matters better? Or is my ego trying to make me react because I fear losing something or feeling 'less than'?"</span><br /><br />What I don't do may make more of a positive difference in my personal and professional life. Strike "may" and replace with "probably."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-72851842175857070252009-05-10T07:31:00.002-04:002009-05-10T07:38:51.358-04:00UpdateFor the past week, I scurried late at night and in the early morning, to prepare for trial. We were to go to trial Monday - tomorrow - but Friday the deal was delayed once more. My wife's attorney was not ready.<br /><br />So here I am again, relieved in one sense, and disappointed not to get on with it in another sense.<br /><br />In justice, there is little truth. I can tell you that first hand. Lawyers are good sales people. If I offend, well, I am not sure I can truthfully say "I am sorry." But, the truth is, all lawyers present not the facts, the a skewed version of the facts that are in the interests of their client.<br /><br />If everything was just the truth, well, I believe we would see a different world. I can see it on Wall Street. I can see it politics. Are there no people who just want the truth. Even if it sheds bad light on them?<br /><br />Anyway, I hear myself. My ego is sounding self-righteous. Yep. I can catch it now, thanks to Al-Anon.<br /><br />I believe I am up before court June 9. We'll see.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-55120972952721409562009-04-30T05:54:00.004-04:002009-04-30T06:00:09.007-04:00Just In: What If . . . ?In Al-Anon I learn NOT to ask "What if?"<br /><br />But "what if?"<br /><br />What if I didn't judge? What if I didn't judge myself? What if I didn't judge others?<br /><br />What if I could eliminate my judgment of myself and others? What would that look like?<br /><br />++++++++++++++++++++<br /><br />It is a thought that cannot just be read. I really have to feel it. When I do this, I am "released."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-40985871874666443352009-04-25T06:08:00.004-04:002009-07-03T07:03:44.892-04:00Two Posts Today - How Lucky Can One GetTwo Posts for the Price of One<br /><br />Yep. Two. Both are for free.<br /><br />As I sit here - just finished my first post - I am thinking - I am very grateful. I really have no problems. Yes. I am going through a terrible divorce. I never thought I would be part of such a thing. It is one you would read about or hear about how ugly it has gotten.<br /><br />I share the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ugly</span> part with - well - hardly anyone. First my lawyer charges me too much. Second, don't want to worry my mom - and although I am <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">waaaay</span> too old to talk to mom - [I AM NOT one of those guys] - mom is still mom no matter how old you are. My brothers - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">waay</span> too busy for the drama. And frankly - I hate reliving it.<br /><br />But - I am grateful. I am so grateful and I woke up counting the amount of stress issues I have;<br /><br />Economy - yes, my stock portfolio is down. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Waaay</span> down. But compared to others, not even close to them.<br /><br />Job. I am new. Big position -sort of. Need to make a mark. Fortunate. Good things happening here.<br /><br />Living in a rented house. Expensive. Next to our child's school. Wife has told our child somethings and has overheard mom. Cannot control this. I have to be patient. (Thanks to someone who wrote long comment about who cares what kind of food my child eats right now. Have fun with and let them remember the fun part. These comments resonate and help me)<br /><br />Divorce. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Jeeez</span>. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Enuf</span> said.<br /><br />Strange - my wife's drinking will not make this list.<br /><br />House. Would like to buy house. Where? Once down and in, hard to change or resell.You'd better like it.<br /><br />Exercise. Not able to exercise like I was. Stress is slowing me down a bit. Had to keep off running for about a month. Now better. GRATEFUL!!!<br /><br />I am not ill. I am okay. Things could be a lot worse. I am comparing me to me, by the way.<br /><br />I have a program. I have a sponsor. Use it, but you'll never lose it.<br /><br />I can exercise.<br /><br />I am blessed. Remember this today. How am I remembering my gratitude? It is clear at this second - I recognize I am ........<strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#000099;">PRESENT!!</span></strong>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-65410336945095804982009-04-25T05:19:00.005-04:002009-04-25T06:00:18.040-04:00Try Six Meetings To See If Al-Anon Is Right For YouTry Six (6) Meetings - Al-Anon - Is Right For You<br /><br />This morning it is early. I am not sure what I am going to write. I have not been to my meetings like I need to.<br /><br />In my city <strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#000099;">I am blessed.</span></strong> There are several meetings a day. I have to drive 20 or 45 minutes - but there are meetings.<br /><br />I went yesterday and the night before. <strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#000099;">These meetings vary - widely</span></strong>. One meeting is filled with straights, singles, marrieds and gays. A lot more of the latter. It is strange that I can write this and I am not sure why I am sharing this - but it is this meeting that I like the most.<br /><br />I think it is the sheer honesty - without masking - that I feel I can reveal what I feel. In other meetings, I still feel compelled to "sound smart" and also, there is this "woman thing," - I want to not be or sound too "goofy" [<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">definitely</span> not the right word] in front of them. <br /><br />The <span style="font-size:180%;color:#000099;">good news is</span> - I found which meetings work best. The meeting I referred to earlier - and it is because I believe there are more gays there, is my favorite. I think it is also because we sit in a circle - with nothing in between us all. It feels like we have "nothing between us that separates us."<br /><br />I go to other meetings and we sit around the table. I sit in meetings all day around tables - a conference room table, discussing accounts strategies, and client solutions, with my team at work. So, I guess I am tired of tables.<br /><br />The meeting with "gays" - gets filled up with straights - and there are newcomers meetings. Funny, [the strange type of funny], I like these meetings a lot because we focus on Steps 1, 2, and 3. And we are always Newcomers. Not just the Newcomers, but I feel we ARE ALWAYS starting over - with a fresh perspective - relearning these Steps 1, 2 and 3, at a deeper level.<br /><br />In the Newcomers meetings I used to be VERY sensitive to those who were really raw - so new it was there first meeting. I can remember - almost two years ago - crying - yes - really - crying trying to get my wife to stop drinking and driving with children in the car. <br /><br />OKAY - remember this? You who are new - are you asking; "Why didn't he hide the keys?" - and "Why didn't he force her to stay home?" - And - "How come he could not tell she was drinking?"<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Answers -</span></strong><br /><br />I did. I did. Really strange - but - I couldn't.<br /><br />The last part - was - I couldn't tell when she had been drinking. Yes there were signs. I looked too. Looked for the signs; the lips - they were moist and were - well - stiff and yet wobbly?. The walk - a slight stagger - so slight - if you knew her - you thought maybe she was "just off" that day. Her speech - slightly more talk and rapid.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Ooooops</span>. I drifted. I was focusing on her! <br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">The Newcomer</span></strong> - <span style="font-size:130%;color:#000099;"><strong>how in the world can you not focus on her?????</strong></span> Are you selfish? <br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I used to be</span></strong> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">SOOOO</span> focused on her, that I lost where I stopped and she began. Hard to explain to a Newcomer. Easy now to see it thankfully.<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#000000;">Back to the meetings . . .</span></strong><br /><br />It's Saturday this morning, as I write this. There are several Men's Meetings. I like these meetings - SOMETIMES. There is too much testosterone in one. I feel we are all competing. I realize it is ALL probably me competing. I would say I am not very competitive. Others would probably say I am very competitive [not at meetings - probably - mostly at work].<br /><br />The "shares" at the Men's Meetings are honest. But I feel a sense of <strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#000099;">"not going to sound smart"</span></strong> and we are all competing to talk. There is never enough time because the meeting is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">SOOO</span> large.<br /><br />Plus - I am going to write this - there are no women there. I feel women DO add to the meeting. But <strong><span style="color:#000099;">it is my ego that "stops" me</span></strong> from revealing my feelings. I feel like they may talk about this guy named "Joe" amongst themselves. But at the same time the women offer a very similar story from a different perspective.<br /><br />One last thing I will share this morning.<br /><br />I went back to my "regular" Saturday morning meeting a few weeks ago.<br /><br />The meeting had changed!!!!<br /><br />After the speaker story, people shared but commented on the speaker and how much the person had changed, gotten better, AND - offered advice!<br /><br />I was - well - APPALLED. I shared at this meeting and spoke from the "I" and of course I slightly commented on HOW it was all about me - no matter what happened to the alcoholic - I had to focus on me and my shares had to be from the "I" perspective - not on "Us" or "We" or "you."<br /><br />In truth - the meeting I loved and that I first went to every Saturday with men and women, had not changed - <strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#000099;">I was the one that changed. </span></strong>The one that gave me turbo growth was the meeting filled with people who were REALLY following the rules and principles of Al-Anon. Keep the focus on yourself - speak only Al-Anon literature - no commenting etc. The meeting was and is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">reallllly</span> "tough" on these guidelines. To the point - to where they turned some people off. Certain members have gotten better about stating right out loud "Can you use the word 'I' when sharing please?" and "We try to stick to Al-Anon literature here."<br /><br />Even in my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">egoic</span> disease and the progress I have made - these comments would have and still will - send me flying . . . in embarrassment and replaying the event in my head.<br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Progress, not Perfection</span></strong><br />I am blessed. Good things have happened to me - and they are - well - frankly, miracles. I quickly forget where I came from and where I am.<br /><br />Six meetings. If you are in a large city - try six meetings.<br /><br />Where I suck is this - I saw my sponsor Thursday night. We sat next to each other. BUT WE HAVE NOT TALKED. I suck. I need to really work my program. I need his help and guidance, because I am living in my head.<br /><br />Six meetings. Try to do them ALL in a week. But do this for a month. That is my recommendation.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-51612012101896981742009-04-19T06:40:00.003-04:002009-04-19T06:54:32.322-04:00Tell Me Not To Send ThisAnger. Yes. I was angry. Today, I am not. How can I be angry and pissed off - and the next day I am not?<br /><br />What was I angry about? I was angry at being controlled.<br /><br />But in reality, I was angry at the THOUGHT of being controlled.<br /><br />Interesting today that I can see that clearly. No one actually controls me. I was in my head. I needed to come out. I needed to vent and release.<br /><br />The letter/email I wrote to my spouse - was first sent to my lawyer. The email subject line;<br /><br />"Tell me not to send this."<br /><br />His 300 dollar response;<br /><br />"Don't send this."<br /><br />Wow. Amazing. Thank you for the 300 dollars. Well, all good lawyers will say something more to justify their costs. <br /><br />So he also said this; "It's too emotional."<br /><br />Well, that's the third time he has said that to me over the course of my hiring him. So, I didn't send this "emotional email."<br /><br />Anyway, I began "dwelling" on this reply from my lawyer. A little levity here, please. "Too emotional." Well, that is a pretty stupid response now that I think about it. If you are going through a divorce, is there any "logic" to what people do and say? Especially those of us on both sides of the glass who have been affected by alcohol?<br /><br />Too emotional. That's pretty stupid from a divorce lawyer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-37602312125126219802009-04-17T05:58:00.009-04:002009-07-06T13:56:55.818-04:00Today I Am PissedYesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.<br /><br />On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.<br /><br />My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.<br /><br />The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.<br /><br />A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">friggin</span>' contributing to the hell.<br /><br />Except - I still get hooked.<br /><br />My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....<br /><br />So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.<br /><br />The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.<br /><br />She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.<br /><br />The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.<br /><br />I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.<br /><br />I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.<br /><br />It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."<br /><br />Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.<br /><br />I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.<br /><br />PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.<br /><br />PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-43866934484143950212009-04-16T06:29:00.002-04:002009-04-16T06:48:34.610-04:00Surrender<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Eckhart</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Tolle</span> - The Power of Now - Surrender<br /><br />Week before last I led a meeting on "Surrender." It was one of the meetings I go that meets every day .... so this time there was no speaker and I volunteered at the last moment.<br /><br />I opened to the index and saw "Surrender" and read from the book "How Al-Anon Works."<br /><br />Here's what I wish I would have said;<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">The ego believes that in your resistance lies strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the place of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">true</span> power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength. What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">its purity</span>, innocence, and power.</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;">Until you surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. "That's dangerous." says the ego. "You'll get hurt. You'll become vulnerable." What the ego doesn't know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resistance, through becoming vulnerable, can you discover your true and essential vulnerability.</span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em><br /><span style="color:#000000;">I know this isn't from Al-Anon, but there are a lot of good books, that are so closely related, it is hard not to be impacted and bring fresh perspectives to what I learn in Al-Anon. </span><br /><br />I am caught up in my ego. I hear it this morning: "You are weak. You are under attack. You will be diminished."<br /><br />Do I hear "You will be laughed at?" <br /><br />Somewhere, way back in the recesses of my mind, I think I truly do hear this. It comes from growing up in a tough neighborhood. Where kids were nasty and would criticize each other - by making fun of their clothes, their family, and their looks. They would gang up - and there would be a "victim." I forgot about this and the dread of walking down to the school bus stop. I was "ranked on" - until I became "cool" which really meant I was no longer "short." I was never cool, but kids eventually left me alone. But I never ranked on others until they ranked on me. I always to took up for the victim, and helped defend him. Interesting now that I recall these episodes when I was about 13 or 14 years old.<br /><br />I am back to surrender. What peace can I bring forth by letting go?<br /><br />I am looking for peace. I must let go of the "activity" of looking - and just "let go" to allow it to creep in, slip in, waft in.<br /><br />I breath deeper now. I need to breath very deeply and feel the breath against my rib cage as I inhale. I feel my rib cage expand as I breath (I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">am doing</span> this as I type). I notice it is a foreign feeling. I notice I must be holding my breath most of the day. Not good Joseph. Too tight. Stress. Tension. Let go, think not. Breath.<br /><br />Nothing matters. Everything is going to be Okay. Everything is Okay. Everything is just as it was supposed to be.<br /><br />It is either going to work out OR it is going to work out.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-33515495159194124362009-04-15T07:09:00.004-04:002009-04-15T07:23:52.833-04:00E-Mails SuckNo matter what you write, someone will read your email negatively. The reverse is also true. So, emails suck.<br /><br />I just got an email or series of emails from my "wife" - ex-wife, soon to be, (maybe at this rate , never).<br /><br />I read them and they were - well, er, nasty, bitchy, accusing, derogatory. <br /><br />I told my sister about the nastiness of the exchanges. I asked her to read them (of course probably <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">because</span> I needed "validation" and "verification" because my ego still says "be right or be small!").<br /><br />So I sent them and I asked her a day later - "What did you think about the exchange?" <br /><br />She said, "I don't see where they are negative?" <br /><br />I said, "What??!!!? Are you insane (not quite what I said)."<br /><br />She said, "No. Just see her stating her point." Then I explain why I say them as negative and she said, "Well you have more emotion and you are 'in this' deeper than I am."<br /><br />I just sort of laughed. Maybe I am in so deep I refuse to see what I should see - reality. What is reality? And is there such a thing? But that is a deep question that is for another time. The point is; Emails suck.<br /><br />So I got another email this AM. I read it and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">almost</span> - ALMOST - responded - IMMEDIATELY. The little guys in my head and body suited up in full body armor and went to battle stations. I felt these soldiers of war running throughout my body and they were in full react mode. Retaliate!!! was the rallying cry. I almost did!<br /><br />Thirty <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">minutes</span> later I responded in - well - not love - but out of - I think - understanding. I tried not to manipulate, although responding with "kindness or understanding" has a hint of manipulation, because in reality, I am trying to defend myself and get her to peaceful toward me and/or not to react in a violent manner. <br /><br />So I am a little proud of myself this morning. I did not react. I waited. I made my points. I even used a smiley face - which was probably manipulative too. Anyway, it is sent and how someone reacts or retaliates, is none of my business.<br /><br />Thank God for Al-Anon. Also, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Eckard</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Tolle</span>. I have him on my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">iPod</span> and when I went running he kind of lulled me to sleep about the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">friggin</span>' "pain-body" shit, that I keep <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">forgetting</span> about, that I keep feeding and forget to stay <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">friggin</span>' present. Damn. I need to reprogram myself every DAY.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-451509587037762640.post-24032540946101219272009-04-11T07:59:00.004-04:002009-04-11T08:17:29.330-04:00A Strange Thing I Do That Helps<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ApxxKKoZ9Ek/SeCGl93f39I/AAAAAAAAArk/2hq9rfRe-Mc/s1600-h/spiral+bound+notebook.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5323402746372546514" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ApxxKKoZ9Ek/SeCGl93f39I/AAAAAAAAArk/2hq9rfRe-Mc/s400/spiral+bound+notebook.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Something that I do that REALLY helps me, is I take a great book (non-fiction, self-help, or Al-Anon) and read it with a Yellow Highlighter.<br /><br />What is different that just normally highlighting the book, is I buy a spiral bound notebook and copy many of the sentences and passages into the notebook. <br /><br />I started doing this every morning 20 years ago. I started with library books before Barnes and Nobles was on every corner and when Amazon was just a river.<br /><br />I did this every morning for about an hour or two.<br /><br />What happened is truly amazing. I started with business books. And what happened over the course of about 3 years was my life, my career took off. I knew more on the subject of business than my peers and my managers recognized I "had something." (maybe a little arrogance)<br /><br />I did this with self help - from speaking to how your <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">mind</span> works to time management to leadership and management. All this helped me to be positive.<br /><br />Every morning I would be walking on air. My head was swirling before I went into the office.<br /><br />I would be so much better in my thinking and so much more control in my thinking about thinking.<br /><br />My reactions to others would be so much more in check and balance.<br /><br />But somewhere over the past few months I have gotten away from doing this every morning. I stopped going to bed at 9:30PM.<br /><br />I started this again this morning. Just grabbing a spiral bound notebook and rewriting passages - and it is truly amazing . . . .<br /><br />This cheap gift has helped me and my thinking once more. I feel - well - unburdened - enlightened. It is like - how can I explain - like I am light headed - in touch - happier, peaceful, aware, cognizant of my surroundings . . . It's like affirming, and meditating, at the same time as seeking the truth and knowledge of the universe. You become - well - One with your thinking and your HP.<br /><br />When I travel I do/did the same - whether at Starbucks or McDonald's - again - early in the morning, concentrating, writing or rewriting these sentences, really grasping the meaning behind the words. Amazed that the author could capture the idea and concept so clearly in just a sentence or two.<br /><br />I urge you to try this. Whether with Al-Anon books or self-help or your profession . . .<br /><br />I think you will be amazed. By the way, and again - this might seem obsessive - the best notebooks are at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Walmart</span> during the time when school comes in. You can buy them for 15 cents a piece by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Norcom</span> - 70 pages. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Weird</span> that I would know this I know. But what would expect from a person affected by alcoholism? Or is it because I am just <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">weird</span>? Probably weird.<br /><br />Try this - you will be amazedUnknownnoreply@blogger.com4