Self-Esteem - The Root Cause to Wellness

I believe self-esteem is the core of getting well. I had to work on this after leaving home and going to college. I didn't know it at the time, and I had no mentor or instruction manual to follow, that self-esteem was so important to all aspects of one's life.

My father was an alcoholic (and now I am married to one). I was a teenager, raging with anger and bitterness. Raging may be a strong word, for it was not constant. I grew up in a tough neighborhood where boys fought, played sports and debated. We were poor, but we argued politics. We were somewhat well informed, because we read newspapers and Newsweek/Time magazines. Not sure how we actually got these now that I reflect back, for we were poor.

When I graduated from college, my main mission was to get a "real" job ...one that required a college education - not manual labor like I had done all my life. I was fortunate and did get a job in a fast growing technical industry.

Over time I realized I would need to develop my people skills and learn how to motivate people to do their best. After a little crisis where my manager quit and I was put in charge of a sizable office, I knew I had to find some thing to help me become better at management, leadership, personal development, etc. So, I always heard from my father and mother, that the answers to a lot of things could be found in reading - from the library.

I was never much of a reader, so when I went to the library, I was lost. It was Dewey WHo?! -Decimal System - wHAt?! I came across videos - yes - videos! I would not have to read! Yahooo! Or so I thought at the time.

To cut to the chase, and get to the main topic, I came across Brian Tracy's video Pathways To Personal Progress. It was an hour long video, that this guy (Brian Tracy), went through 21 key ideas and concepts on how to become more successful at work. There were actually over a 100 different concepts, including;

• You Become What You Think About
• Read for an hour a day in your field and you become an expert
• Time Management
• Critical Success Factors (Key Result Areas)
• Self-Confidence
• Positive Mental Attitude
• Positive Communications .... AND Much More

The entire program was about building self-esteem, essentially. Self Esteem, a pwerful concept and foundation to our well-being. I cannot recall if Brian Tracy actually used the term self-esteem, but throughout the video, at it's core is self-esteem. In his other programs he does talk a lot about self-esteem. A good book to check out of his, that captures a lot of what Al-Anon discusses from a different vantage point is Maximum Achievement.

Self-esteem is the idea or principle in esteeming yourself. It is considering yourself as a valuable, likable, worthwhile human being. It is you about yourself. Not how others think about you. Otherwise it would be called "other-esteem."

The concept of self-esteem is a psychological concept and it has been called the greatest discovery in mankind. Self-image is closely tied to self-esteem. Self-esteem is how good you feel about yourself. It is the emotional quality of your personality. It is the key to happiness and personal effectiveness. The more you feel good about yourself, the more enthusiasm, energy, effective and optimistic you are.

The two keys to self-esteem and the feeling you have about yourself. First is how valuable and how much you like yourself as a person. You cannot have high self-esteem if you are constantly tearing yourself down and beating yourself up for every little or big thing you did. This is not to say, you should not feel bad or have remorse about saying or doing something [My opinion only. There are some readings that say remorse and guilt have no useful purpose at all. My point is here, is that I believe not feeling bad about saying or doing something stupid or hurtful is callous or uncaring in some way. But how long you dwell on it is the point].

You can have innumerable setbacks, failures and difficulties, and still feel good about yourself. In fact, having difficulties and overcoming them, and looking back to see how much you've grown and how far you've come, can be a big boost to the self-esteem.

Second, another part of self-esteem, is how well you do something that is important to you. For example, you may be really good at work. If you are good at work, it can spill over into other areas of your life and uplift how you perform in these other areas. This is more of a competency based factor. It can be work, a hobby, a sport, it can be a skill, or any area where you are receiving some feedback.

While this second part can have an outside influence (being the highest sale producer or we won the tennis match) it should be really interally driven.

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Here's why; If you derive your value from someone or something else, it's great when they say, "Good job." But what if they say nothing? Or, if they say, "You suck." We become an emotional wreck.

We become emotionally dependent upon their approval. Do you know what I am talking about? I think we all do.

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These two things reinforce each other (how well I like myself and competency).

I am a big believer in self-esteem. In fact, I can trace a lot of my unhappiness to times when I felt bad about myself, or didn't like myself too much for something I did or how I behaved. Or I relied on outside "approval," the pat on the back, so to speak and it didn't occur.

In the book, Courage to Change, an Al-Anon approved book, I looked at the index this weekend, and self-esteem has references to 15 different sections in the book.

I have several Al-Anon books. I will be honest here. I was pissed off and resentful that I - I - ME, I had to read these because of my spouse's drinking. VERY RESENTFUL. To the point to where, I didn't. Until I HAD to read them because I speak this Saturday at my Al-Anon meeting.

I realized after reading this book in a way that I had not considered before, that the book is really a self-help book, a self-development book, a psychology book for me to use. It I struck the work "alcoholic" and it's variations, out of several sections, it really is a self-help, instruction manual for dealing with life's problems, people, and building my self -confidence. [That too is another story to write about. But I mention this only in case you are like me and say, "Why do I have to . . . ].

So, how can we MAKE ourselves like ourselves more??????

The word "make" is probably not the best word. Choose "help" or "get" or whichever word that works for you. But the point is - How do improve our Self-Esteem?

1. First, not through others. Others opinions should not influence how we feel about ourselves. Unfortunately, as much as I like to think this and know this is true, we are affected by other's opinions of us, especially those we esteem highly (like our parents, our spouses, our brothers, our friends, etc.)
2. Let's stay on number one for a bit longer. If our friends and/or others we HAVE to be around say bad things about us, we must build a coping mechanism to destroy or erase what hurtful things they have said. They are not perfect. They are only hurting and they are hurting so much they feel they need to lash out and make others feel miserable too. Therefore, I forgive them and wish that God protects them. Second, friends or people we don't have to accept as hurtful things we can confront them and make a statement and ask them to not say those things again. No ifs, ands, or buts. No rebuttal. Just "Hey, no more OK?" If they say, "You're too sensitive." Say, "Thank you. I may be." And then you decide whether the relationship is worth it or not.
3. It's all about making ourselves feel good about us a human beings. I read spiritual literature, self-help books, leadership books and psychology books. When I read, I am up early in the morning. I read for an hour. I take notes (this forces me to not allow my mind to wander). I have a cup of coffee. By the time my hour is up, I am ripped roaring and ready to go.
4. I do not read the newspaper. I do not watch the news before bed. It's too negative. I do sometimes watch the news. I find myself being sucked into the drama, and I begin to feel lousy. My foundation starts to erode with the negativity.
5. I going to stop here. Because I think too many things may be confusing and dilute the post and the message I hope I can share with you.

This is the last thing. If you read and reread and write out the Just For Today messages, these are all self-esteem building exercises. You can click on the Just For Today here or above. Or go to the side panel on the right where I have a link to them already for you to use at any time.

I hope this note finds everyone well.

PS - I think I am going to use "Self-Esteem" as the main point of my topic this Saturday at Al-Anon. Either Self-Esteem or Resentment.

Any thoughts as to what people would like to try to work on? Let me know.

Al-Anon - A Place to Unburden

Yesterday was my "Al-Anon Day." I went to my meeting, my normal, regular Saturday meeting. It's amazing how much warmth I receive from this group - but yesterday was special for me. I hung around a couple of minutes after the meeting. I spoke to another man in a similar predicament as mine (his wife drinks too).

As I was leaving I was stopped several times. "Hello Joe." and "Hello Joe." Followed by hugs. I am a big guy. Never really thought of myself as huggable. I am always a little distant - "aloof" - is what my psychological/leadership assessments would say. "Aloof." Sounds like and reads like, an Albanian dog woofing. At least to me.

"Aloof." Interesting now that I am typing this. We could probably have a field day analyzing why I am distant or "aloof." The one word that pops into my head is "protection."

Protection of what? Probably my feelings. Now you know more than you care to know. TMI is what my daughter and her friends would say. "TMI dad!" Meaning, for those of us no longer with the in crowd "Too much information."

As I went through my daily morning reading ritual, I came across a section in a book I want to share that relates directly to Al-Anon. The words were magic to me this morning. I hope they make sense to you as you read them.

The book is An Adult Child's Guide To What's "Normal" (click here to link to review it). I bought a copy two weeks ago. First of all, it is a book you can skim. It is broken into readable sections short enough to digest (each chapter is 2 to 4 pages long). Or you can take out a notebook and pen and copy words and passages into the notebook.

I started to skim it. Then, I saw some things in the book that put things into perspective that I have not been dealing with. So, I took out my trusty pen and notebook and began copying sections. [This, if you have not read my earlier posts, helps me focus and helps be identify better with what the authors are saying. I have found that the message sinks into my head better when I write. I never get the depth of the message if I just read it. But when I rewrite or copy, it is amzing what happens!]

I will tell you, honestly, I held off buying this book. Why? Here's why; I was worried that I would find more things wrong with me and things I could not fix or address. And therefore, these things would become more of a burden, than they would actually help me. The truth is, I am tired of "blaming" my dad [my father was an alcoholic]. I am tired of the "you can from a screwed up family and therefore you are what you are - screwed up too. Who isn't from a screwed up family? All those who aren't, . . . raise your hand. And those who are, raise your middle finger. [Anyone finding that offensive, I apologize. It was meant to be a little humorous. Another problem I have. I'll save that one for later and we can all discuss it.]

But the book gave me an insight in one of the shortest sections. It was an insight that I want to use in closing out "How Al-Anon might help you" theme over the past week.

While the book didn't say anything about Al-Anon, it did talk about 12-Steps meetings.

Here is what it said, Chapter 23 "I Can Work This Out Myself":
The chapter is 2 pages. It talks to "isolation" and "overdependence". Isolation is not talking to anyone about what is bothering you. And the opposite, overdependence, dumping on someone so much, you rely on the person all the time. It talks of a balance between the two. Here is what it said about the benefits of a "A 12-Step Meeting (i.e. Al-Anon)."

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"What does balance look like? We see it all the time, all around us. We see it in healthy 12-Step Meetings where you can go, share your pain and your crisis, unburden yourself of some of your shame and then leave, knowing that no one is going to take repsonsibility for your own life or hover over you but also knowing that you can come back next week to share some more pain." (Friel & Friel page 111)

It is a place where we can share our pain. A place where we can unburden our shame. [A place to unburden the guilt, the fears and doubts.]

And, be able to come back next week, without being embarrassed about what you said.

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Wow! This was powerful to read this morning. Unburden. It was a safe place to unburden the shame. Al-Anon is a place where you can share your fears, doubt, stupid things you did, safely, without ridicule or judgment from others.

I hope this message makes sense to you and it has the same affect on you as it did to me this morning.

Next Saturday I am the speaker/facilitator or whatever it is called, for Saturday's Al-Anon Meeting. This will be my first time as speaker. I am reading and preparing from the Al-Anon book "Courage to Change." I will cover with you what I am thinking about saying. (As long as you don't tell anyone!)

How Al-Anon Works

How Does Al-Anon Work? and What Is Al-Anon?

My blog name is "Al-Anon Diary." It is really a diary about my life. I started writing it for cathartic reasons (getting it out of my system). But the diary will show how I have gone from anger to more of "detachment" and separating myself from being sucked in and contributing to the problem. I owe this to Al-Anon, reading some great books, thinking and rethinking, without over analyzing (OK, sometimes over analyzing), and not making excuses for my behavior. So, what I write here - today - is allot different from what I wrote way back four oer five months ago.

I have asked a number of people to please post their thoughts, and they have done so, and very elegantly, I might add. You will see we are normal people facing abnormal problems. We may not be perfect, or should I say, "What we do may not be perfect." But that is, what makes us human.

So, today I thought I would explain Al-Anon to those of you who are attending or thinking about attending. First and foremost, I wish you all a great and beautiful life.

Where to start? I think I am going to try to explain what who attends first and how it is run or how it is organized. I will add a little commentary - my personal feelings or how I see things. I am going to do this is number form, as a list.

1. What is Al-Anon?It is NOT affiliated with any religion.It is NOT a religious program. It is spiritual in some ways, because we talk about a "Higher Power" - this could be your God. Or it could be a higher consciousness. Or it could be whatever you want it to be. I am not a religious person - for example.
2. It is anonymous. We are all on a first name basis. Although people do get together for coffee or lunch after some meetings. The meeting goes for an hour typically.
3. People are available to talk to after the meeting - in case you are dying on the inside, or have a burning need or issue. I benefited from this several times. I wept and shared my pain. I was dying on the inside. The walls had caved in. And two women, sat with me for an hour afterwards and listened. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude.
4. We sit in a circle and we read the "12 Steps" - and some of the "rules" for the Al-Anon meeting (i.e. "What is said here, stays here). We go around the circle introducing ourselves by first name only; "Hi, my name is Joe."
5. Someone is the meeting planner for that meeting. A topic is read from one of the Al-Anon books that is related to the 12 Steps. He or she picks it at random. It is always some idea or concept that can be related to something that is occurring in your life. Don't ask me how this is - it just is. It is probably due to how we are interpreting the reading.
6. The meeting planner reads and puts what they have read into perspective and how it relates to them (how it helped them).
7. The meeting planner is someone different each week and a member of the Al-Anon group who volunteers.
8. After the reading or point of view, you state your name and comment on the topic and how it has helped you, or how you can use the information. OR - you can talk about what is going on in your life.
9. Or you can sit and listen and not say anything.
10. No one gives you advice (unless you stay after the meeting and only if you ask for it - even then there is much hesitation to advise).
11. No one judges you, or what you have said about what you did.You are not allowed to comment on what is said by someone (although in some cases this is done, but only in a positive and complimentary manner).
12. The Las Vegas rule is applied here (My term, not Al-Anon's term. I am sure it would rankle some that I said that! But it is humorous). What you say here, stays here.
13. You will feel comfortable speaking and getting angry or crying (there is a box of tissues - I know - I used them. I am not a crying man.) The talking allows you to "release" a lot of the energy and tension that has built up. The talking is cathartic.
14. Usually after the first meeting you know you are with people who are facing issues just like yours in so many ways. After a meeting or two you KNOW you are not alone. There is nothing that you are experiencing that someone else hasn't already experienced. This is cathartic.
15. In some cases, usually early on in your attendance of these meetings, you will feel you want an answer, a solution. You want to scream, "Please, just tell me what to do!!" You will find no solution or advice here. It may be a little stressful not getting a solution. You want something that will solve the problem. You may find this to be frustrating - at first.
16. You are seeking a solution. Your answer does show up however (see 15 above as what I am referring to). It comes to you - somehow - I am not exactly sure how, but it does.
17. The meeting and discussions allows you to know you are not crazy. A great many of us know we are not crazy. But the addict can sometimes make us feel like we are "over-reacting" or maybe the "problem is me" not them or the alcohol. Going to the meeting allows you to dispel this natural feeling.
18. You look for a sponsor after several meetings. This person has to have a minimum of 5 years in Al-Anon. The person should be the same sex as you. Because a "relationship" of trust will ensue. And you want it to be a relationship of trust and only trust.
19. A basket is passed around to pay for minor incidentals (coffee, tissues). There are no dues or fees.
20. There is no secret handshake. There is no mysticism. It is not weird.
21. Sometimes you will see your problem in someone else's problem and the answer will come to you as to what you need to do.
22. No one sells anything to you. The pamphlets are free of charge. There are some great pamphlets. The books are for sale only to cover the costs.
23. You will hear words like; codependence, detachment, boundaries, etc and how Al-Anon is meant for you and meant for you to get better - it is not aimed at the alcoholic.
24. There is a workbook for the 12 Steps and you can work through the book. You may go back through the book several times over your life. You never graduate or finish. It is an on-going process.You will see how far you've come after several months.
25. There are meetings going on at night, in the morning and on the weekend. Every meeting has a little bit of a different personality.
26. There are all men meetings, and all women meetings. The most popular is a mixture of both. Going to mixed meetings is - in my opinion as good as going to the same sex meetings.
27. Sometimes people complain (really gripe) about their "qualifier" (this is the person who is the alcoholic in their life). This may turn you off. But I think you should still listen to what the person is saying, because he or she is usually dying from the inside out and you could be there one day in disbelief how your life got turned upside down.
28. I actually look forward to my Saturday morning meeting. I never ever thought I would say this. It is my escape. I was dying on the inside when I first went there over six months ago now.My qualifier is for some reason not happy that I attend. Other members' spouses (qualifiers) actually encourage them to go. They say they can, ". . . tell they haven't been to a meeting in some time and they need a meeting."
29. These meetings are held typically at churches. God bless the churches. I cannot ever thank them enough. Some are held at hospitals.
30. The Al-Anon literature says to try it for six meetings. You may not like the first meeting.
31. I recommend asking members at the end of the meeting for what other meetings they enjoy and try a different meeting from their advice.There is a paper itinerary that lists all the meetings is your areas.T
32. here is a Link on the right hand side that allows you to search the Al-Anon Website for meetings in your area. It is a little confusing because each area has a subarea and these are not exactly in a user friendly form to read. (my only gripe)You will meet people young, middle aged and old.
33. You will meet White, Black, Hispanic - people of all colors.You will meet people of all religions.You will meet smart people - very wise people, who have a spouse, a son/daughter, parent, friend or loved one, who has an addiction to alcohol or a drug.You will meet very rich people, middle income people and people who are barely managing. Here we are all one.
34. No one is any higher or lower. We are all humble, and humbled.You will meet everyone who has been knocked to their knees at the power of this terrible disease and how it has affected themselves and their family.
35. You will meet people who have searched bedroom closets, gone through garbage cans and more, who have tried to see if their qualifier was drinking - before they got help here.You will meet people who are so nice and pleasant and loving.
36. You will meet compassionate, caring people.
37. You will see that this disease is catastrophic in nature after you hear the stories of people who do attend.
38. You will sense that here are the people who know about Al-Anon and wonder about the people who could really use this free support group and all of a sudden feel so sorry for those who are in isolation.
39. You will come to know yourself in a very new way - and sense there is a way to restore your sanity.
40. Remember, this meeting is for YOU. It is not about the alcoholic. It is designed for you to get well, no matter whether your qualifier gets well or not. It is about your getting better. In fact, the good meetings almost "make" you focus on yourself and your healing.

I hope this has helped you. Please post your comments if you have another point or need to clarify things !!! THANKS!

What Is Al-Anon? And How Has It Helped You?

Earlier - I mentioned several people asking me about Al-Anon. I have requested several people to post comments here.

The question(s) that may stimulate your comments are:

• What is Al-Anon? How does it function? Has it helped you?

Many people are asking. Many people have misconceptions. They may be able to use your advice.

Please comment. You can sign in or if you prefer to, remain anonymous.

An Old Indian Story - A Lesson & Tool

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves."

"One is evil - he is anger, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, inferiority, false pride, superiority and ego."

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love. hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

"The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win.

The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed!"

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What this old Indian parable means to me is this; You get what you pay attention to. This is a version of; "You become what you think about." It is also another form of the newly popular, "The Law of Attraction."

What can we learn from this? How can we keep the wolf of negativity from winning? We need to focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. We feed the positive or the negative through what we think about.

The main thing we have control over in life is what we decide to think about. How we think determines our actions (or our behavior). And our thinking, what we think consistently about over time, becomes our destiny. Change your thinking, and you do change your life.

I hope this note finds everyone very well.

Blame & Anger & Codependency - The Root Cause?

Blame.
What a word..."Blame." Often we look for "Who did this?" (who is to blame?)

For example: We are missing our favorite book. It is misplaced. "It was right on the table last night. Now it is gone. " And the more direct: "Who took it? Did you take it?"

Or for example: We are looking for our keys. "I left them right here on the kitchen counter. Have you seen them?"

The words put together in a sentence have the tone of accusation, apportioning blame, and looking for the guilty party. We sound accusatory. [note to myself; YIKES! I can relate to this right away. Then you find it. You remember you put it over there last night. And you are a big dummy. No one moved it. No one did it to you.]

Or the example: You feel like no one cared about your feelings. They made you wait. "How could they?" You feel this. You don't necessarily say it. You project it though. Others feel it.
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Blame. It can be a way to start an argument. It can be the beginning of making others feel bad. It can be a way of starting a small conflict, a large war - all with a disastrous outcome.

Blame. What if you and I eliminated blame from our lives? What if Just For Today, you didn't look for anyone to blame. How would that feel? What would your day look like?

At the root of almost all negative emotions, is the word and feeling of blame. They did it to me. The republicans did it. The democrats are going to do it. The rich are to blame. The boss said this. He did that.

What if, no one, absolutely no one, did anything, to You? Today? Right now? From now on?

What if, YOU decided, that no matter what happened, you were not going to evaluate or judge anything, as "good" or "bad." I can tell you, my best days were when I did not evaluate or judge anyone or anything as good or bad, especially when I felt someone was saying something "negative" to me or doing something to "hurt" me.
It was a day of serenity. I felt empowered. I felt in control of my feelings and my thoughts. And I really, and I mean really felt good. It almost felt angelic. [Note: I am not saying "be a push over" or allow anyone to abuse me or you. But reread this passage again. It is the small stuff that winds up setting our moods, for the most part.]


Just for Today - I am not going to evaluate anyone or anything as good or bad. And therefore, this will help me keep from apportioning blame on anyone.

Just for Today - I am eliminating blame from my thinking and reacting

Just for Today - I am going to reread this post tomorrow too. And do this exercise.

PS - Please join me next week for a special on What is Al-Anon? And How Can It Help You? See my Post Here: A Special Invitation (click on this link)