A Character Defect?

"A character defect?" is the title of this post. It is probably better to write "What Can Be A Character Defect?" I read in the Al-Anon book, "Hope for Today" the other night a great passage. And I want to share it with you.

As we all know by now, Al-Anon is for us. The people who are affected by alcoholism. But I believe Al-Anon could be useful for anyone, even those unaffected by alcoholism. For the right meeting is about just good living tools - practical guidelines, that not everyone received growing up.

My Program
I am working on Step 1. Step 1 is about admitting your life in unmanagable because of alcohol. It says very specifically, alcohol - not the alcoholic - not the person.

Step 1 is a hard one for me. It says, "I am powerless." This is hard for me, because it means I have to surrender. I am not a quitter. But everytime I fight the alcoholic - I am really fighting alcohol. When I realize this I am OK.

When you want to fight with the alcholic because he or she acts arrogant and smug, we become locked into a "death dance." We are actually feeding the alcohol and the disease. It is making the alcohol stronger and more righteous. It makes us angry and frustrated. Do you understand this?

Our best defense or offense is to say "We are powerless over alcohol." And therefore not feed it. We - that means you, Joseph - must realize that we have to not address her or the alcohol. Right now we have to remember we are powerless over alcohol.

So, back to the passage. If you go to the index in this book - or any Al-Anon book, (like the labels to the below and to the right, on this Blog) you can find all the readings and issues to help you get over the moment or issue you are struggling with.

So, I go to the index and look for about "Powerlessness." I go to page 59, where I find a great reading. The passage goes like this, and these are my words how I interpret them;

"As a child [or a spouse] of an alcoholic, I was powerless over the criticism [or conflict] Note: my words are in brackets.

To survive this upbringing I had to develop defenses. When I no longer needed these defenses, these defenses became character defects.

As an adult, I was still powerless over the effects of my father's [spouse's] abuse.

It was the effects of alcoholism over which I was powerless!

The awareness helped me take my first step. I realized that my father [spouse] had been just as powerless over his alcoholic father as I had been over him. When my father was a little boy, he didn't say, 'When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic.' This understanding and insight brought me compassion and forgiveness for my father [spouse]."

This makes sense. What if the crap I learned to shield my self-esteem fighting with alcoholism have become a habit that is now holding me back? They have in essence become "character defects."

This is why I think Al-Anon is good for me. I like insightful things that I haven't considered, even though they are so intuitively obvious now that I have read it.

I must take action to correct these things. The good news is this; that all Al-Anon members are working the same issues. And they support you in getting these things fixed. The key is within you.

I need an Al-Anon Topic for the weekend

I need an Al-Anon topic for the weekend marathon on-Line Al-Anon Meeting.

Anyone who would like to submit an idea? Or topic? Or question? Or burning issue?

If you are lost, this is the place to be!

Thanks - Joe

Getting Unstuck - Part 2

Getting Unstuck - coming from Dr. Robert Anthony's book Beyond Positive Thinking. This is Part 2 about Getting Unstuck. In the previous post I mentioned that we are facing decisions in our lives sometimes that are challenging. And sometimes we get stuck. This is about seeing why we are stuck and hopefully leads us to getting unstuck.

This post, as did the previous post, comes from Dr. Robert Anthony; Chapter 5 "Writing Your Own Script" . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything in life is a matter of choice. There are only two things we have no choice about. We cannot avoid these two things no matter how hard we try. The first is that we must die. Death is an absolute certainty. And the second thing we have no choice about is that we must live until we die. Now understand this - everything else in your life that you think you have to do, or are forced to do, is a choice.

You and I do everything because we choose to do it. We can't change the fact that we are going to die or that we must live until we die. But we can change anything else because everything else is a choice. Look at all the areas of your life and realize you do everything in your life because you choose to do it, not because you have to do it. Remember - the only two things you have no choice about is, you have to die, and you have to live until you die. Period!

Look at where you are in your life right now. Where you are is where you want to be. Consciously or unconsciously, you have made a choice. If you want to go anywhere, you must first understand here you are right now. Many people lie to themselves about where they are, and they deny their situation in life. But it is absolutely essential that you acknowledge where you are before you can move on. Is your life working the way you want it to? Are you where you would like to be? Do you have the things that you would like to have? If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then take a look at your payoff for being where you are. What pleasure do you get out of denying yourself? What pleasure do you get out of being unhappy? What pleasure do you get out of being uncomfortable and not belonging? What pleasure do you get out of thinking in terms of lack and limitation?

It is important to remind yourself that everything that you do in life, whether it is positive or negative, is attached to a reward or a payoff. So look at your payoff. Observation is the first step in changing anything.

When you observe, you are taking the first step toward freedom. And as you observe, you begin to see your own patterns of thought. You have to tell the truth about where you are before you can move on. If you are in pain, admit it. If something is not working, admit it. This is the fundamental principle of Alcoholics Anonymous. You must first acknowledge that you are an alcoholic before you can recover from alcoholism. So look at where you are right now, and then decide where you want to go. Let your mind be open to new possibilities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are the words that strike me every time I read this chapter in the book;

• You and I do everything because we choose to do it.
• Where you are is where you want to be. Consciously or unconsciously, you have made a choice.
• Are you where you would like to be? Do you have the things that you would like to have? If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then take a look at your payoff for being where you are.
• It is important to remind yourself that everything that you do in life, whether it is positive or negative, is attached to a reward or a payoff.
• So look at your payoff.

While the last line mentions Alcoholics Anonymous, it is not about AA or Al-Anon. The book is about the psychology of you. And that means showing you and me, how our thinking, how our present level of awareness, and our limiting thoughts (belief systems, mistaken certainties, religion, political views etc.) may be holding us in place - stuck. Because we DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

The book is about what I call, "relieving your mistaken certainties" from your growth potential. [I do mean "relieving" here]. Or, said another way, "How you may be holding yourself back?" The first step is realizing that you have things in your belief system that may be incorrect and these are holding you back.

These may come from religion, politics, what teacher told you, or your parents told you. Or you thought they told you. An example of this might be what your mother said to you when you were 5 years old may be playing in your head and may be wrong - but because you heard it - you are assuming it as being true.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Please Read this: Get More Information About Past Posts and Resources

On This Blog, on the right, you will find headings for lots of information you can use. Please scroll down the right hand side of this Blog for more information on;

Past Blog Posts - here you will find more information on boundary setting, codependence, etc by date

Labels to Posts - here you will be able to search on a topic or a label of the postResources -

Links to other Websites - (government, private research foundations and organizations - all legitimate)

Just click (double click) the appropriate link.

It was pointed out to me, that some may not know that this information is readily available for your reading.

Getting Unstuck - Part 1

Getting unstuck is important in living with an alcoholic. We want advice. We want someone to tell us to leave this person who is driving the family crazy. Then reality faces us. What will happen to the children? Who will win them - me or her/him - in a child custody case. I can't afford to leave him/her. What will happen to me? Will I find another mate - and will this one be as crazy as this one? I love this person, . . . don't I? Or am I used to living with this person and in reality I cannot face the reality and I use this as an excuse? Can I continue for just one more month, one more year, two more years, etc?

We've all thought these thoughts, at one time or another. Haven't we? I know I have.

Another pervading thought permeating our conscious from the subconscious may be seen or heard in these words;

Will he be drinking tonight? Will the children have homework and not get it done on time because the alcoholic will come in drunk interupting the childrens' evening? Will supper be cooked on time? Will I have to hide the keys so he can't drive? Will he drive and try to take the children with him?

Damn. That is a lot of pressure. No one knows that thoughts that go on in our heads that make us crazy. No one knows the insanity that we have in our lives. Yet, it is this insanity that makes us fill our heads with stuff and clutter. We have to cut through the clutter.

Restore us to sanity God. And who has not cursed God at one point for doing this to us? That is a big admission.

Here is something, that can or may help you. It is about making decisions. The psychological aspect of them. To me, it is about finding out what we want and how can we get unstuck.

I read it paragragh this morning. I read it a 100 times before. But this morning it made me think about me - just a little differently. It gave me some peace of mind and some insight. It made me see myself in a different light. And perhaps question me about me and why I am stuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You've heard it said that no decision is a decision. Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home. Once we start making decisions for ourselves, we are on our own.

"It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others. Making a decision always reveals something about you. Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret. If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided.

"Another reason for indecisiveness is the fear that we may have to give up something. For example, if you want to take a vacation to Hawaii, it means you have to give up going to the Bahamas at the very same time. To choose one goal means you may have to give up others. If you decide on a certain way, it means you may have to give up other paths. It means you can’t be everything, do everything and have everything at the same time. It means you can't please everybody. When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be. In other words, not like them. So by doing nothing, you may be able to retain the love and approval of different people whose values contradict each other, and your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled."

FROM Robert Anthony's book "Advanced Formula for Total Success" (now called "Beyond Positive Thinking"). Chapter 5 - titled "Write Your Own Script"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Isn't this a powerful message? Is this not eye-opening? I hope it has some affect (or is effect?) on you today. Look at these words;

• We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home.


• It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others.


• Making a decision always reveals something about you.


• Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret.


• If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided.


• When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be.


• . . . your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled.

Maybe certain other words struck you.

I will post another part of this book in a post later today or tomorrow. Stay tuned . . .

A Note To All About Al-Anon

Based on the last comments in the previous blog post, I want to address some things that may be confusing. As they were confusing to me at first, as well. Now they make a ton of sense.

About Al-Anon holding hands at the end. Yep. I feel weird holding hands. Still do. But getting over it. I think it represents unity and group support.

Yep. Girl crying - coming to meeting. Begging for help. Seen that too. She blabbers and rambles about her problem. The remark of the group is, "Keep on coming back!" Now swap out word "Girl" with "Joe." Yep. That was me. The "Keep on coming back!," pissed me off hearing that. HELP ME my tears screamed. But fortunately a couple of women came up and talked to me after the meeting. They didn't tell me what to do. They just shared their examples and listened for about an hour of me still blabbering. I could not stand going back. I was pissed off every Saturday morning racing to get there. And taking the time out of my precious weekend. Man, I was resentful. And I thought, "These people are crazy. Why don't they just stop?" That was at first. Time period - I am not exactly sure, for I still have some of these feelings. Here I am, . . . 7 month or 8 months later, I have found working the program has been pretty interesting - for I am UNLEARNING old habits that don't work and get ME into bad/negative/destructive thinking and then actions.

I avoided getting a sponsor for 6 months. I basically said, "I don't need a stinking sponsor." Then I got woke up and got one. Then I avoided talking to him for 2 months. Now I am slowly opening up. SLOWLY, opening up. I am working Step 1. I HATE working any type of structured "program" - not sure why. But, I said, "What the heck? What have I got to lose?" So I am reading everything I can about Step 1; Step 1 by the way is about two words; Unmanageable and Powerless. These are two words I have faced head on in getting well when I was going through my 20's and into my 30's. Facing these words, made me a success in work. HOWEVER, these words are about ALCOHOL. Not the alcoholic. Not about me. The word "alcohol" can be substituted with "situation" too. It means, to me at least, "quit forcing something" and "don't fight something you cannot change" and "don't try to change someone or something else that won't or can't change." I am still learning this one. As my old habit of taking over and fixing things is what got me here - and made me a success at work. In some ways, has held me back too. For I applied "power" and "managing" to almost everything. It's like the adage; "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

OK - that was a long paragraph. I will tighten them up - or get to the point quicker.

About the first 3 meetings - that didn't like any one of the first three. Sometimes, you have to attend the same one a couple of times. A person in the room or a person NOT in the room can cause the meeting to be a bust or a direct hit. The literature says, "Try 6 meetings." I think that is a good number. I remember going to the Saturday Mens Meeting. Hated it. Too much testosterone. Too much rigidity. Went back to Saturday Mens and Womans meeting. Now I really like the Mens Meeting. It sort of meets you when you are ready.

About Al-Anon and whether it's just about you and the alcoholic or alcohol that created havoc in our lives. I found that with Al-anon, if you work the principles, you can actually grow, even if there was no alcoholic in your life.

In fact, this little program/meeting (Al-Anon thing)- whatever it is called - is really about how to live. OK . . . now what makes me an expert? I am going to toot my horn here, somewhat . . . or should I? OK - sorry to all. Here was my "little self-help" program that I ran for myself;

• I started this "little self-help" program in 1990. I went to the library and read all the books I could on psychology, leadership, management, back to psychology. I wore out my library cards. I have a library in my house of close to 4,000 books - (and I think that is a conservative number). I filled up hundreds of notebooks (the notebooks/writing forces you to think! and not have your mind wander).
• I read the best books, the best authors and researchers. I took notes, every morning, two hours a day - 7 days a week. That's 18 years x (times) 365 days in a year x (times) 2 hours a day (sometimes more) = 13,140 hours of study minimum.
• Then when I drove, I listened to tape/cds in my car. I drove an average of an hour a day during this period. But don't even add that amount on to this 13,140.
• So, 13,140 divided by a 40 hour week (which is the number of hours in most work weeks)
• This equals = 328.5, forty-hour work weeks . . .
• Now, take 328.5 and divide by 52 (the number of weeks in a year)
• This equals = 6.3 years of study. (that's 6.3 years of 52, forty-hour weeks)
• And I do mean study. Shows you what 2 hours a day equates to doesn't it?

My initial impression is this; "Joe you are insane. YOU really studied that much?" My response would be, "Yes, but you should have seen me way back then."

Why am I telling you this? Not because I think I am better or smarter than anyone.

I am telling you this because; "I thought I couldn't learn anything new. And that I knew most of it all already."

So, Al-Anon is now teaching me things from a different perspective. Jeez, I hate that I do not know it all (this is said with some truth and some jest).

So, I do have this love/hate for Al-Anon. I do not want to be going for 10 years. But maybe, just maybe, if I "reframe" the problem of having to go because my spouse is an alcoholic, to "I am going to use this to improve my spirituality (because it is not about a God, although the HP thing is about something out there bigger than all of us), maybe I can learn something new.

OK. ODAT. Not Latin. Or even Pig Latin. ODAT is the "One Day At A Time" book and slogan. ODAT I believe refers to the book. There are some people who can clarify this on a comment.

In the next couple of hours I want to post a couple of things:

1. What I learned reading "Hope for Today" prior to going to Al-Anon Men's Meeting last night.
2. I want to create a post about "Getting Unstuck." I read this in the book by Robert Anthony regarding decisions. (Robert Anthony is not affiliated with Al-Anon, but that's ok, because he/his books have helped me BIG TIME. And maybe they can help you.)
3. This one is something that I owe, that I said I would post about 2 weeks ago. It sticks in my mind every day, because I do not like to make a commitment, and not fulfill it. It the commitment that I made to post the childhood roles in an alcoholic family. I hesitated to post this because it is somewhat troubling for me, and it may be for you as well. But I owe it and I will post it

See you later.

Al-Anon Meeting - First Impressions

When I first went to Al-Anon here are some of my first thoughts. I found these to be similar to those of others who first went.

You people are crazy. Why do you still keep coming back here after your husband and you are divorced? (replace husband with wife where appropriate)

1. How come no one is giving me an answer to my problem?


2. I want to know what to do to fix my wife. (the alcoholic)


3. Are you people crazy?


4. These people are crazy.


5. These people are losers.


6. We dying here God, why aren't you helping us?


7. Damn you wife [insert name here]. I wouldn't be going to these meetings if it wasn't for you.


8. Damn you wife [insert name here]. I wouldn't be spending my time here if it wasn't for you.


9. I am not broke/screwed up/have a problem. My wife is broke/screwed up/has THE problem. WHY DO I NEED TO BE GOING????????

These were my first impressions. I have found that many people who have gone to these meeting had similar first impressions. Then, one day you wake up. And the thinking goes from this to that:

From: I am focused on fixing the alcoholic. To ------> I need this meeting for myself, to "fix" myself.

From: I am talking about what the alcholic did. To --> What I did, am doing, going to do.

From: A disdain for having to go to meetings. To----> I like "thinking out loud" and hearing others thoughts and stories.



Here are my "truly amazings;"

• It is truly amazing and incredible that a meeting like this, so well organized, and so well structured, could actually be for FREE.


• Truly amazing that other people have the same stories I have. (this transaltes into that "I am not alone." A feeling we all seem to have or had.)


• Truly amazing that what someone says, is actually what I needed to hear today.


• I can apply these principles to everyday living, whether there is an alcoholic in my life or not.


• I have become a better person because of it. (I have read a lot of books, attended a lot of courses, work with some amzaing people, but this little program has helped me in a number of ways.)


• Truly amazing the number of people affected by alcohol. (You find out all the meetings available, and all the rehab programs available, just through "osmosis.")


• Truly amazing the number of people who do not know about Al-Anon or won't go.

That last bullet point, is a little depressing for me. The reason is simply because I feel sorry for the women especially who could use the help and support. This feeling probably stems from my mother having to deal with it by herself. I know she could have used the support. But it was different way back when.