About Today's Posts

I must have had too much coffee this morning.

A Short Message About Today's Posts
I have two posts this fine day. One is on Enabling. That was my first post which I started at 4:30AM

I placed another post, after I read a passage that resonated with me. It's titled; "What is Life?" It may be titled incorrectly. Maybe a better title would be, "Get Off Your Ass."

Two more things;
1. I would like a volunteer to provide a topic and an intro for this weekend's on-line Al-Anon Meeting. If you are feeling you might not be capable, or you might be embarrassed, read the post below "What Is Life?"

2. I placed a survey on the side bar of this blog. I would like your opinion. Please take the suvey. It's one question. If you don't, I will feel rejected.

Peace today to you.

What Is Life?

What is life? A positive message, for members of AA, Al-Anon, codependents, and people who just want to get more out of life.

About 20 years ago, I saw my life drifting. I came from a poor/lower income family. Just, and I mean, just, getting by. My mother drilled into my head, "You are going to college." I had no idea why. Except that I could get a better job and get out of a bad environment of poverty. And I knew I had to work. Not sure where I got that from. Probably mom.

I worked my tail off, and went to college far away from home. When I got out of college, I landed a good job. But no one ever showed me the "ropes" as to how to be successful in work and in life.

To cut straight to the chase, an author by the name of Robert Anthony (Dr.) came to me via a book. Since then, it's been pretty good. It's been all down hill. Almost smooth sailing - always. I became a positive attitude guy. Because the alternative sucked.

Just for Today
This morning this passage below struck me. Every morning I read for about 2 hours a day. Unless there is utter chaos in the house, which is why I get up at 4:30AM. I try to avoid the chaos, but more importantly, meditate. My meditation is in the form of writing in spiral bound notebooks what I am reading. There is magic between the pen, hand, arm, and brain. It fires your synapses up. It "awakens" you to the possibilities of life.

Before you read the passage, here is a quote. It is from me; "We only get one shot on this little hairball planet called earth. Why not make it worth it by risking, by going forward by attempting, to put yourself out there, on the high-wire act. Because in the end, no one will remember the embarrassment you are afraid of, and in the end, no one will really care. So why not?"

The short version of this quote is: "Screw it." (insert another word for "screw" if you prefer.)

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Here is the passage from an older book from Dr. Robert Anthony (The Truth About You);
The Only Game In Town
"It is my understanding that the purpose of life is to live life as fully as possible. In the past, if you wanted to do something, you might have been told you had to wait your turn and let another person have their chance. So, you sat on the sidelines and didn't participate . . . and you didn't get anything or anywhere either. The people who don't have anything in life are the people who are not giving anything out, they are the takers, not the participants.

. . . What happens when you stop participating in life is that your body thinks it is all over and starts to decay itself so that it can be recycled.

The only purpose for life is to participate and grow. To be out there, to be doing things, to be expressing yourself - your talents, your abilities and your relationships. If you are tired of participating, then you are already dead on your feet. Participation is the only game in town. That's what life is all about.

What is participating? It's putting yourself out there in life and risking."

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Like I said before, "Screw it."

Nike might say, if they had any good advertising people; "Screw it.Let's do it."

That's mine. I said it first. It's copyrighted. Don't steal it.

Have fun today. And remember, one more time; "Screw it." Because in the end, you get one shot on this little hairball planet called earth, and no one will remember.

What Is Enabling

What is enabling? For addressing alcoholism and addiction, for the codependent, Al-Anon members. For spouses and parents of addicts. For the alcoholic, as well

Lessons Learned: We all do it. A great way to recognize you are doing it. How to learn to stop.

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What Is Enabling?
Let's start with the definition of "enabling" first:

"Enabling is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

This definition came from the Family Meeting last night. It is a "classic" definition. I looked it up on the internet this morning. I heard this definition many times before at these Wednesday night meetings. The difference last night was - I carried a notebook and I wrote the definition down. I know the people in the room thought I was nuts (Nuts for the notebook this time. The newcomers couldn't tell if I was nuts, because I didn't talk. I think they thought I was a spy. I just want to accelerate my learning. And spy. And steal good ideas.)

I asked the difference between the "fine line" between "enabling" and "helping."

And actually there is not a fine line. The difference is very clear.

First note the emphasis on the word "should" in the definition above.

Here is the definition of the word "helping";

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Note the emphasis on the words, "not capable."

Is This Cruel?
We are so used to helping people we are now confused what the difference is between enabling and providing this help. This is so sad. So many of us sat around that circle last night helping our spouses and children for so long, that it seemed so natural, that when we talked about stopping, some people talked about how this might be cruel. This word cruel did not come up. It was right under the surface of the conversation however.

I believe, that it is more cruel to allow a child to grow up not knowing what responsibility is and not taking it. Responsibility is almost the flip side of enabling - at least in my eyes. Without taking and wanting responsibility and being accountable for their decisions, some children never grow up. That is cruel, at least in my mind.

We don't want our children to fail or get hurt. Of course. Who does?

But what if you kept on helping your child to try to walk when they were two years old. What if you enabled them to get around and not allow them to stand because they might fall? And therefore never learned to stand and walk because of your fear of them falling?

What About Us? What About Our Adults?
We often try to "help" alcoholics. These times of "help" are actually "enabling" (look at the definition again). We make it easier for them to continue down their path of self-destruction and eventual death because we don't allow them to fail.

So they don't feel the consequences of their actions (another key word, this consequences). So, as time goes on they expect you to help them. They have fallen into a habit pattern of relying on others, coaxing others, decieving others, charming others, just to get the "help" to get by. in the progression of the disease. They have learned charm and lying to get what they want. Action/behavior ---> Reward. Pavlov's dog salivating right here. Cause, effect.

Consequences (By the way, can be positive and negative, not just negative)
Just when we think we are being good samaritans, good parents, good spouses, someone comes along ans says, "You are not helping you are actually hurting."

The disease of alcoholism is baffling, cunning and powerful. Don't forget it. And don't for a minute think that alcoholism is just the alcoholic's disease. Alcoholism is the disease of the entire family.

Enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect; It allows the alcoholic to avoid the pain and problems (the consequences) of their actions. By avoiding pain, why stop? There is nothing wrong with this behavior, so the thinking of the alcoholic goes. No matter how small of large they screw up, someone is there to bail them out.

There is not learning from his or her mistakes.

And, if you are a student of human growth, we learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes.


Why do we do this?

1. We fall into the habit slowly. The slow-boil analogy. Doing it a little bit at a time, every day, for years.
2. We also learn it from our parents, who learned it from their parents, who . . . . It has become a normal way of life.
3. We want to help!
4. We get lied to. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice . . .
5. "We'll do this, just this once . . . " (or so we say)
6. "It's only a small thing, it's just gas money." (or money for food, a pizza, a dentist, etc.)

In the Office? Or At Home. It's Still The Same:

By the way, we carry these habits into our office. We help. Or we enable. Next thing we know is we are in the office late and everyone else has gone home. And here we are doing someone else's work, while they are eating dinner with their family or at the ball game watching their son play, while we are missing ours. Does this sound familiar?

See codependency - click here

Getting Unstuck - Part 632

Lessons Learned: Getting Unstuck. Making a Decision. How to move forward. What to do when not in a crisis.

Let's start out with a question. You will see the meaning of this at the end of the post.
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Your house is on fire. You have the following choices;
1. Put it out yourself
2. Get out of the house yourself
3. Get the dog and child (or children) out first
4. Call the fire department
5. Put on your make-up/best clothes in case of Paparazzi
6. Get your best stuff you've accumulated and chuck it out the window

Hmmm.

I made up this psychological-therapy question myself. So if my therapist is reading this, this will cost you. My rates are rather high. In fact, you may need to see my rates before you consider borrowing this question.

What I would do. Easy. Get the child and dog out. No question.

If the fire was small, my answer would be the same, with exceptions;
1. I would try to put the fire out (I would go back in after the children and dog were out) and
2. Chuck stuff out the window that I thought was cool/or that I needed

My wife. She would;
1. Get out herself (choosing #2). No question.
2. She might remember to go back into the house and get the dog and child.


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Getting Unstuck
It's interesting, that Al-Anon has cost me virtually nothing in money. And I have learned so much for free here.

Last night we had a Men's Meeting. And I had a two hour session with my therapist (coach/counselor/teacher/shaman/spiritual guide).

The Men's Al-Anon Meeting was after the therapy session.
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As a side note: I called her my Sherpa yesterday. I meant no harm. I really meant Shaman. Then I looked up the definition this morning:

Shamans have the ability to;
1.) diagnose and cure human suffering and,
2.) in some societies, the ability to cause suffering.

[On another side note: I felt like yesterday we spent too much of my time and money on #2. My human suffering by the way.]

Where as; a Sherpa is defined as someone who carries loads at high altitudes.

Now I am confused. I think she is carrying my heavy load and we are traveling at high altitudes, somewhat spiritually. So, I think both terms are appropriate.
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OK - Back to Reality (or at least this post).
With the therapist, I spent most of the time venting (again). I took control of the meeting (I know you are reading this and thinking, ah, there's that control word and the thought you took control of the meeting is something else we will have to explore). I need for her to work on me or I am going to have a huge bill and not much but venting to show for it.

I also need to shut up and stop venting about my wife's non-recovery.

Who's Problem Is It?
At Al-Anon, what I learned about my wife's recovery and/or drinking, is that it is not my problem.

The Men's Al-Anon Meeting
At the men's meeting we talked about getting help by asking for it. I spoke when it was my turn. I spoke on how I got help for my daughter's schooling. It was slow going at first. And then three weeks later, trudging along through pools of peanut butter, things started to occur. The school had an after-hours program coming up. A neighbor helped me by asking a friend if her 12th grade daugher could teach my daugher. My daughter's school teacher asked around and got the name of a friend at school who was looking for part time work.

Asking for help does work. I am grateful for learning this. For I was stuck. And that is the topic of this post.

I am also grateful for being able to "unburden" my load at Al-Anon. The people there have been there, done that and they can immediately relate.

Getting Unstuck
When the house is on fire, that's a crisis. Everyone knows what to do. Get out. Now everyone may have a different order of things to do, like get dressed - if sleeping and the fire is not roaring and get some stuff out.

But even if the fire is roaring, I would knock down walls to get my daughter out.

In fact, and I am a little tired of hearing this analogy of when you are in a plane, and the plane depressurizes, and the oxygen masks fall down, you are supposed to put it on yourself first and then help your children.

The metaphor/analogy, is you have to get well first before you help someone else. But in this scenario, I would probably put the oxygen mask on her first. While I type this, I know this is stupid talk. But it's true.

So, in a crisis, we are not stuck.
In a crisis, you can see clearly your priorities. What is important to you. So you are not stuck.

But when not in a crisis, it is easy to become stuck. There's a big long task in front of us. Or a lot of pain. And we have to work through it to get to the end of it. The problem with this kind of "slow boil crisis" - as I call it - is that there is no sense of urgency. There is no prioritization. There are no "steps to take" or actions to perform. And there is no fire department to call.

Reread that paragraph again before proceeding forward.

Did You Really Reread it?
In a slow-boil-crisis, we are simmering. I will not use the boiling frog analogy. (Oh yes I will, just did).

Do you see what happens in a real urgent crisis reader? Do you see what doesn't happen in a slow-boil-crisis?

No?

OK.

In a crisis, like a house on fire, we have the following things we have pre-thought or thought through:

1. An escape route.
2. What we would do: Who we would get out. What article of clothing we would like to save or jewelry. Or cars to back out of the house. (you have too thought about this admit it)
3. Calling someone. Who's house we would run to and the fire department to call.
4. We even have fire extinguishers.
5. We have a sense of urgency - "Get out" is the call.
6. All of the above has a "decision tree" based on the size of the fire and where the fire is in the house.
7. We take action!

But what if there is no fire? What if you are in a "slow boil" crisis?
This is where we get stuck. The slow boil crisis is one where we don't have to do anything. We accept it. We become complacent. We hope it will go away. We have no sense of urgency. We sweep it under the rug.

But we know it won't go away. Really, in our heart of hearts, we know there is a problem we are not dealing with.

In a slow-boil-crisis, we don't take action. Until our hair is on fire. And then, we try to put it out with an ax.

So, what do we need to do? Here are several actions to make;
1. Define the problem clearly. Think of this huge problem we have. It can be any problem, actually. But defining it as accurately as you can will help you.
2. Think on paper. Do not use the laptop. Do not allow it to swirl in your head. Get it on paper. Think on paper. Define the problem clearly on paper. Define everything on paper. There is magic between the pen, hand, arm and brain.
3. Chunk the problem. Salami slice the problem. Chunk the problem up into rational parts. Some parts are separate problems, that are not really related to the problem or are separate problems to be dealt with later.
4. Prioritize the issues. Which one is more important? Then, ask, which ones can we solve now? Prioritize problems/issues and potential solutions. (again, on paper)
5. Focus on Yourself. What are all the things we can possibly do to help ourselves?
6. Have "experts" to call. Like the fire department, you have to call in help. In an emotional crisis, you have to seek outside guidance. Al-Anon has people who have your same issue so they understand. Get a sponsor. Or a therapist. If not related to alcohol and it's related to work, get a mentor. Ask someone to be your coach when you are having and facing problems at work. It can be someone in the office or outside your office (choose someone wise and not someone who will coddle you).
7. Create a sense of urgency. Create a list of things to do. But time bound each activity on the list. And stick to the dates of WHEN you are going to get each action done.
8. Take action. Take action. Take action. Even if it is a phone call, make it. If it is a walk or jog you have to tale at noon instead of eating lunch, do it. Like Nike says, Just Do It!
9. Don't get hung up on perfect. Perfect is not your friend. Know that less than 50% of any decision is right the first time. What people do is they correct the decision they made or adjust it as they receive feedback from the decision activity. They "self-correct" and the decision becomes right over time and with adjustment.
10. Review your Plan. Review it often, once a day, once a week. And review it with your sponsor.

A Short Blog Post This Morning

I posted today's blog post last night. You will see it below this post.

I wanted to post something someone said at an Al-Anon meeting Sunday. It's about God (or if you prefer, your Higher Power).

Here is what a woman who is going through a crisis said, and it's worth writing down and remembering.

"God is as close as your breath."

A Bad Story - Starting to End Well

(I wrote this story about a week ago. It got usurped by my wife deciding to take off for the lake and mountains without plans around my work and our daughter.)

I decided to add this to the post this morning:
What Lessons I Learned (because this blog is not just about venting, it is about grow. Albeit growth through getting angry sometimes and venting and stress, but growth.)
Here are my lessons:
1. Ask for Help - and unseen forces will come to your aid.
2. Making progress means taking little steps or actions, what I call imperceptible differences, and over time, things do fall into place.
3. This is related to #2. You may not see the results as soon as you wish. But be patient.
4. Know what you will sacrifice everything for. What is important. In my case my daughter having a chance at life and some normality.
5. I was never a "God person." I am not sure why I even put that in quotes. I do believe that there are forces in the Universe that will help us, we just don't always ask or ask correctly. This may be God. I do talk to God. I have called upon God over the past 3 years and he has not let me down.


One of my stressors was the fact that my wife could not and can not teach my daughter and work with her after school on her school assignments. This was obviously due to the alcohol. You may recall that I was rather trusting and assumed she was taking care of things at home.

I started to realize about the same time I was coming to a conclusion my wife was on her way to looney tune land (I thought her actions were due to early PMS or she was bi-polar). I noticed she would start talking to people on the phone while my daughter was studying. By the way, there was no study time set in our house. It was like pounding nails into a board with the palm of your hand trying to convince my wife that there needs to be a specific study time.

Then of course, I discovered she was drinking. Then I discovered all about alcoholism and how it over takes the entire household.

My daughter is precious to me. She represents peace and sanity. She is very pretty. She is sweet about 99% of the time (there is this 1% that she can draw upon that is right off of some brat show on TV). But in truth, I have been blessed. I am a big guy - the oldest of a large family of boys. The guy who worked construction to pay his own way through college. So when I say she is precious, I am going to a word I used to be very uncomfortable with using. Ever. I don't think I could have used the term "precious stone" - not that I would have had an occasion to.

Back to the Point
I did not realize the extent of how my wife's alcoholism consumed my wife with thinking about herself and how she looked to others. It wasn't until recently - that in the past several months when my daughter's grades slipped drastically to D's and C's. I became very frightened. Scared.

I did not want to have my little girl's self-esteem damaged by having poor grades and being left back. My wife at the time, was MIA, mind-wise. She seemed to think I was a control freak. I probably was. But when the earth is spinning off it's axis, what do you do, just sing, "Let It Be?"

This is our little girl! While she should not see us panic . . . We need to panic!

Was This Grade Harder?
Sure this grade is harder.But in listening to my daughter get frustrated, she would complain that, "Mommy does not make any sense." I know the feeling. If my wife tries to explain something I am/was dumbfounded. I thought it was a male vs female communication thing. Now I see it with my daughter.

So, for the past 2 months I have been working behind the scenes and especially in the past 3 weeks to find tutors for after school study. My wife tried to thwart me at every turn;

• Cancelling a tutor who was supposed to come over.
• Taking my daughter out for shopping with my wife's friends when we had a specified time to study.
• My wife complaining in front of my daughter that I was controlling (actually the words were, "Control freak") when we set up a study date for 30 minutes on Saturday and one on Sunday.
• My wife running around in the kitchen talking on the phone or banging pots and pans acting like she is cooking, when we (my daughter and I) are trying to study and when we have a teacher from the school over the house to help our daughter study.

She - my wife - does not like to be out of the center of attention. She barges into conversations and dominates them. She starts talking to the tutor and the focus is off of the studying. So, I now I have to buy a larger desk or table for the study we have in the front of the house. The point being, we have to move out of the kitchen when we have the "tutors" come over, and they can close the French doors to the study and not be interrupted.

All these machinations have taken a tole on me. It wore me out. I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back. But slowly, very slowly at first, got the extra help. I asked around and the help came.

• Found the extra help for tutoring. A high school senior a neighbor pointed us to.
• We found out that there was going to be an afternoon program for students at her school.

The forces of the universe, my HP, and just sheer work, was coming to our aid. I just didn't see it at the time. Slowly, imperceptibly, the little steps paid off.

Asking for Help

One thing that really helped me, and you probably need to hear this. And the little thing that turned out to be a big thing was that Al-Anon meeting I went to, back in the summer of last year. The topic was about; Asking for Help.

That was what the entire topic was about for an hour. I never would have asked for help. "Are you kidding me?", you might ask. Nope. Never would ask.

But I did.

I asked my neighbor. She came through a week later with a name of a high school senior whose mother is a nice lady who was a substitute teacher where my daughter goes to school. I called the daughter and mother and asked that we meet - saying that we could each eyeball each other, to see if we had a third eye in the center of our forehead. The teacher of my daughter also came through. She spends more time with me explaining where my daughter needs help. And she came up with a name of a tutor too. Now we had more options than we needed.

Slowly. Surely. Imperceptibly. Help is on its way. Thank you Higher Power.

I am reminded of a quote. I am not sure who said it. I heard it from Brian Tracy, one of my favorite authors. In one of his video and several audio programs he quotes someone who said,

"Act boldly, and unforeseen forces will come to your aid."

(see comments - I corrected myself.)

I love this quote. I didn't really act boldly. I just acted by asking for help. And help arrived.

And today I am grateful for one more thing. These results. I need to remember this was a major stress point 4 weeks ago.

A wish for you to comment: Please comment if you like the "Lessons Learned" upfront. And if I missed any lessons learned, please add them to the comments. I would be grateful as I know others would be grateful. If you like the idea of the LL upfront, I will continue to do this.