Big Problems?

Al-Anon has given me a strength, that at one time I would have argued was a weakness. In fact, Al-Anon has given me several strengths, that at one time I would argued were weaknesses.

I want to cover one of these strengths. The strength is knowing that I need a Higher Power or God. That I cannot go through life alone and solve my big problems.

I left God years ago. It wasn't until about three months ago that I realized I was wrong.

How did I realize that I was wrong? In my heart I already knew but it happened solidly one day when . . . My qualifier's alcohol councillor advised me to read and study Step 1. He said, "Read Step 1. Study it. When you are done, study it some more."

I thought he was an idiot. I am dying here, I thought in my best George Kastanza immitation, and he wants me to study Step 1?! Are you friggin' kidding me???

So, against all logic I did. I didn't at first. I avoided it. Then I did and I went and read Step 1 over and over -from the book - "The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," a very dry book (you cannot convince me otherwise, but check in with me six months from now, for I may be eating these words. I have eaten a lot of words. I am now using ketchup and pepper to help the taste of eating humble pie).

I also read Step 1 passages from the "Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today" by looking in the index in the back of these books. I knew I needed something. Anything. Just help me. Help me now.

Then someone said, on this blog, in a comment, "God doesn't give me (us) problems that are we cannot get through." I think I would add, "eventually." And in his timeframe.

Knowing this does provide hope. And provide courage, at least to me. I know several of you, are going through very tough times. There is nothing more lonely than living with an alcoholic or dealing with one who is a child (or any family member facing an addiction).

I started from attending one Al-Anon meeting a week to five and 1o a week. This little thing gave me a lot of serenity. For only in these rooms, do the people who are there, really understand what we are going through and dealing with.

Also, I know in the middle of the night, when I think I am truly alone, God is there too.

I hope this helps you today.

PS - I am still reading Step 1, so I can "give up" control and know that I cannot manage the things that I have no control over.

PPS - "Wisdom to Know the Difference" . . . a line from the Serenity Prayer . . . and knowing we are all human and connected.

We're Controlling? Yeah, right.

I am learning that the more I try to control, that I am really being controlled.

This is the most powerful sentence I will write today. So I could stop right (write) there. But of course, I am codependent and I am verbose. A double whammy. What a nightmare.

Okay. What do I mean about being controlled? Well, let's face facts. Who has been called a "control freak" . . . ? Raise your right hand. Higher. A little higher. The curvature of the earth is preventing me from seeing all those hands.

Okay. That's established. 101% of us have been labeled this by our friends - the qualifiers. But if you dig deeper - past what you are doing to control, and look into how you started to try to control the situation, I'll bet you a dollar (Canadian or US, Euros too), that you can pinpoint it to an event or a statement that caused you to react.

To react.

Those are the two (2) key words. Count 'em if you like. Two.

To react. Yikes. Look and research. Go back over past "encounters."

Next time, try to replace your response with, "Is that so?" Or, "Hmmm." Or "I hear you." And stop. Don't react. Don't empathize (this is a gift and a curse, as I am a BIGGGG empathizer). Don't sympathize. The difference is; "I feel your pain" versus "I am sorry you have pain."

Just let it sit there - that statement or mood or their reaction or behavior. Watch it float around the room you are in, like a separate inanimate object. Try this. It may help you to picture it as an object that you know and that cannot hurt you, like an orange or apple. See it come out their mouths. When they (our button pusher friends), try to push our buttons and cause us to react (which feeds their pain and gets our pain up and running), watch the words, literally come out of their mouths.

I know this may sound a little weird. But it helps us to NOT identify with the harsh criticism or the provocation. It helps to make the words or behavior something a little odd in our minds, like an orange or an apple. See the orange come out of their mouths. "Plop." Right out of their mouths, onto the floor or table. "Plop."

Observe it, like a disinterested third-party. This will help you . . .

Disassociate.

Remember, they are trying to push your buttons. If you can stop yourself from reacting, you are no longer being controlled. And the control we usually reply with, no longer needs to be . . . , well, replied with. This is a liberating feeling. And if you're into a little revenge, it pisses them off! :-)

Just For Today

What a life I have led or lived. I am grateful for all the help so many have given me lately, when I spoke and others sensed I needed help or reassurance at Al-Anon, I got a hug and asked by people to go to lunch.

I am starting to get my act together, slowly, but surely. I realize that after so many years, when I thought I had my act together and I was sincere, that maybe, just maybe, I had this thin veil over my life and over my struggles and my wanting to just be "accepted" and be "appreciated."

I look at the words I typed above, specifically, "get my act together." Jeez, am I being "unhumble" (is that even a word?)?

Weekend
I am having a good day today. I have prayed all weekend. I had a tough couple of moments when my wife and I (wife = qualifier) engaged. Actually I did not engage, but she tried to. I was pretty happy to see that I could detach with love, and separate from her shots at me. Those shots are her pain. She doesn't want my love. It is strange. I wish she did. It would be so easy for me to fall back into my care-taking role.

Asking If You Want Help Before Giving It
The computer broke - the one we use. I tried to fix it. It was hard. My qualifier's email was not working. Some how I was blamed for that. I offered to fix it. She said, interestly, "no." I normally would have spent four hours trying to fix it - get pissed because computers and software are frustrating. Then fix it. And not a word of thanks. So now, after I asked if she wanted me to fix it, and she said "No" I walked away from it.

Interesting. I like asking if you want help now instead of just helping and not being appreciated.

I have done the same thing with our daughter. I offer help - or I ask, "Do you want me to help?" And when she says, "No" I am okay with it. Before, I would help without anyone requesting it. I would get sucked in, do it for someone, and never be appreciated.

What a relief. I don't have to help everyone! And, I now ask if they need help. What a difference! My life is a little (a lot?) simpler now. What a little tool, with such big pay-offs.

One Step Forward?
This post drifted a little bit today. I am making progress. Two steps forward, sometimes one step back. Sometimes two steps back, one forward. Sometimes I wind up going back to the same square, I guess to learn the lesson all over again. But . . .

If I am standing in the same place, at least I know where I am. (The same with going in a circle)

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Major Responsibilities

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Major Responsibilities

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 4/25/08 and runs to Sunday 4/27/08 evening.

Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

Here are some guidelines ---> Click for Guidelines. Bottom line; say what you want, when you want, as many times as you want, to whomever you want, about whatever you want. Cross-talk is allowed ("cross-talk" is talking to each other, not being "cross" to the other).

This is where we start:
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Many of us started shouldering major responsibilities when we were very young. Having had to grow up quickly in an alcoholic or unstable home made us grown-ups faster than we would have liked. But because we had nothing else to compare it to, we did as we had to, and as we were expected.

Having to place the children in an area where they were needed, and put a lot of burden on a young child or children, perhaps made some parents feel guilty and remorseful. Not knowing how to deal with the guilt and the shame, or perhaps dealing with the chaos of an alcoholic, you as a child maybe were treated unaffectionately or you were made to feel unappreciated. This is probably because the main, stable parent was doing all he or she could at the time.

The chaos was too much for the parent. The burden of you the child, may have been stressful, but as children, children are well equipped to "adjust" their little selves to the chaos and pick up the slack around the house. Children are excellent at trying to adjust and cope.

As we grew older, and we no longer needed this skill of "picking up the slack" or "shouldering major responsibilities," this once productive skill set, an asset as a child, turned into a liability as an adult.

So, when we grew up, our little goal seeking mechanism, that is, our mind, or perhaps our subconscious, sought out new situations that provided a safe haven for our ability for shouldering major responsibilities could be put back into use. So, we looked for another person, that could bring us chaos, and allow us to "help" and become the major contributor to fixing the chaos.

What we soon learned, and felt, is our unhappiness of finding us in a situation similar to the one we grew up in. Soon, we become despondent. We become angry, at ourselves and our qualifier, for having to go through this all over again.

We have become great fixers. And we feel we are powerful enough to "fix anything."

But we need to find out, and realize, that we CANNOT fix everything. There are jobs too big for even us to handle.

This is the reading Al-Anon's; "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions."
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Others among us, having shouldered major responsibilities, may have found it difficult to let go and to admit powerlessness, over something in our live that we felt must be changed.
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This is where I started to find serenity. When I realized I did not have to solve all the problems of the world or the house or the business I am in. That no matter what others problems are, they are really not mine to solve.

And that problems too big for me, are also not mine to solve. These are God's.

Added Later After Initial Post;
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I am very, very grateful for Al-Anon. I didn't know how affected I was by my qualifier's drinking and how I had fallen into a caretaker role, insteading of just being, well, caring. I had lost myself. Not totally, but somewhere I was buried. Some may scoff at this, if they heard me say this. But I have, and had put on a great, "I am okay" front. I was dying on the inside. I was lonely, alone, and felt, well, I hate to admit it, "unloved." Now I am beginning to see, life is not supposed to be this way.

I am also grateful to the first steps, that I can get some help. And I don't have to solve every problem. What a relief when I can say, "Okay God, this one's for you to work on."

I was not a big believer in God or a Higher Power before Al-Anon. Wow, have I changed. I just feel a little guilty in saying that, "Because I needed God, I now believe in God." I think I need to rewrite what I just wrote, because this is a profound revelation for and to me;

"Because I needed God, I now believe in God."

I think I needed God's help before. I just didn't want to ask for help, because I would feel like a phoney, since I wasn't sure there was a God. But because my problems had become too big, I had no place else to go and no one else to turn to, who could actually help me. So, I read and reread Step 1 material by looking in the index of the back of the books "Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today." This has helped me quite a bit. And I am forever grateful.
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And this is where we begin.

Please post your comments here.

Your Own Worst Critic

Thursday's Post - Created Late Wednesday Night
We think that our own worst critic is the alcoholic. Or we think it is the alcoholic's relative(s). We may think it is someone at work. Or someone else.

In all of the above people, the worst critic is none of these listed above.

Our own worst critic is . . . drum roll please!!!

Our own worst critic is, you guessed it, ourselves. It is that little voice we have going off inside our heads trying to remind us that we are "less-than" - and winds up beating down any self-esteem and confidence we have. It goes like this;

"How could you have done such a stupid thing?"

This voice is our voice, but it can be someone elses words. No matter, because it wears us down. And it can replay it over and over. It is this voice and the mental mental images that also get played out in our mind, that make us less-than what we are capable of being and less-than what we want and deserve.

Let me ask you this;

If you had a friend who talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would that person continue to be your friend?

Do I Think? Or Is It Just Happening To Me?

Do I think? Or does thinking just happen?

We all have a little voice going on in our head. Sometimes the little voice runs rampant, depending on the circumstances. Many of us allow the little voice to run around shouting words of fear, anger, worry, pain, and the like. It runs around as naturally as blood circulates in our veins. "It just happens."

Control
In Al-Anon, I have learned that much of the program is "quieting" that little voice or controlling the voice and thought patterns. I hate the word control word now, but I really think the word is a great word in reality, but we can "CONTROL" the voice in our heads.

Obviously, "control" has negative connotations - because we are called "control freaks" and "controlling." I want to say this, about that . . .

Control is a natural outgrowth and coping tool in the chaotic environment we live in, with active alcoholism or inactive. So, first don't allow yourself to feel guilty about this. It is okay to have been controlling. Unfortunately, it slipped into other areas of our lives, and it slipped into areas where we really have no control over. In Al-Anon we learn to recognize this and we learn that it frustrates our relationships, dampens growth in others, and we learn it actually hurts us. It gives us a false sense of self. But . . .

We can control the voice in our head. And we should try!!

Our mind is conditioned by the past. our past is how we were brought up; religion, political party, our thoughts and beliefs about money, sex, people, race, where to live, how to live, cars to buy, clothes to where, hair cut to get, food to eat, food to cook, places to eat, and so on. Can you see and think back to where we got the silliest of ideas and notions?

The Toilet Paper Example (I have your attention don't I?)
These thoughts and previous programming comes even right down to which side of to the toilet paper we hang on the bathroom wall? You know, with the end or beginning of the roll facing toward the wall or away from the wall. Would you believe that I an away from the wall hanger of toilet paper, whereas my qualifier is an in/toward the wall hanger and we EVEN had a discussion that I should hang it her way! AND to tell you the truth I DID! Because it was SO important to her! I laugh now. But, think about our crazy habits and conditioning. We all have them!

So, because our mind is conditioned and conditioned means "habit" to a large degree, we tend to reenact the past again and again. EVEN when we know the desired effects are not possible and the typical effects of the past behavior and thoughts are or can be disastrous! So why not learn to control your mind (or your thoughts)? The term of reenacting the past is called "karma." You know it from Eastern religion/ or philosophy.

Identification With The Voice
We are identifying with the "voice." And often the "voice" is someone we have learned or know to dislike! For example: the voice may be one of our parents. What they said to us when we were small. We now know it is wrong. But we have replayed their "voice" and their "words" in our head for so long that the words are automatic and!!!! - devastating. It can be a voice from a past boss we didn't like. Or a past "friend" who "evaluated" us, and although we knew it (whatever they said, to be untrue, we learned to replay the words over and over again, until we started acting it out. Here are some ideas that might be floating around in your head:

1. You never finish anything you do.
2. You can't cook.
3. Look what you've made me do!
4. How come you can't do anything right?
5. Why are you always late?
6. You're not the brightest bulb in the drawer.
7. How come John can do this and you can't?
8. You're just not good at math.
9. You can't sing (play sports, play an instrument, etc)
10. You're too old (too young, too . . .)

Get it?

But this voice, and these words, are NOT you! You have allowed them to BECOME you! You have allowed the voice to program you thoughts and control your thoughts and control your interactions with others! These are crazy voices - words that are UNTRUE. But because you BELIEVED them to be true, the words fit the patterns and you behaved in a manner fitting these words, and actions and interactions reinforced these words and made them believable, or more believable.

Does this make sense? Does this describe anyone you know?

Positive Affirmations
Would you like to change these patterns? Once you know this - "the past = the future" - you can change by interrupting the mind, and the words, and replace the old words with new words. You can do this by rearranging the words above - and AFFIRM the new positive behavior or thought;

1. I complete the projects and the things that are important to ME.
2. I can cook. I cook great meals.
3. I don't make anyone do anything. People do things on their on accord.
.
.
.

You get the idea? Positive affirmations are excellent.

Going to Al-Anon meetings and discussing the voices and words in our head enlightens us and reminds us that we are not the past. We are not the voice we hear. We can become, positive, more fully functioning human beings.

I hope you see and sense that we have extraordinary possibilities.

I am going to leave this post up a few days, as I think this is key to our recovery.