Guilt

There are a lot of us that feel guilty about what we have done. Guilt is an awful feeling. It is like a dark cloud hovering over us.

I used to feel guilty about something I did or said, sometimes two or three days after. With recovery, my feeling of guilt may last into the next day. As I go further into recovery I learn not to say the things that might make me feel guilty . . . with the help of the slogans like; "how important is this," or "easy does it," or "one day at a time," I can stop and think and probably best of all, say or do nothing.

I have found - through my thinking on the subject - that guilt is very much like harboring a resentment against some one else - except that guilt is a resentment turned inward toward yourself. What a terrible feeling this thing guilt is.

I read somewhere, we should not feel guilty about anything. You might ask, "Anything?!" And so we begin to feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

So what if we can eliminate guilt? Start off by not doing anything that will make you feel guilty. HA! Like that is so easy - right?

Okay. So we do something stupid . . . realize we are human. We are perfect (I believe this to be true) but what we do, (do is the operative word), is not so perfect. Because . . . we are human!

Give yourself a break. If you feel you want to say or do something out of a reaction, do these things first;
1. Call your sponsor and talk it through with him or her. What a fabulous idea. Could it be so simple? Absolutely!
2. Sleep on it. We've all heard this one. But very few of us (me) do this.
3. Journal about it. Think on paper. Reread what you are writing. It will tell you a lot
4. Write a letter to the person. Don't mail it. Just hang onto it until the next day.

But . . .

If you do something stupid . . . call your sponsor. Talk it through with him or her. Determine if you owe apologies or if an apology will just make it worse. It's hard to believe that an apology could make things worse. But I have found that others may not be sophisticated enough to accept an apology and instead use it a means to extract guilt and feel righteous.

If you do something stupid, let it simmer and then sooner rather than later, let it go. You are HUMAN!

A God of My Understanding

A God of My Understanding. Before I came to Al-Anon, I did not really have a good grasp of God. Better be careful, you may still not have a grasp of God, dear Joseph. When I first came to Al-Anon, I probably was in too much pain to realize how many times God and He is referred to in this program - in the 12 Steps. Had I recognized this, I probably would not have kept coming back.

It wasn't until I needed help - when no one else could help me - that I turned my will over to the God of my understanding. I needed help and He was there. If you asked me if I would be writing this ever - and I mean ever - I would tell you - you were/are nuts.

Tonight at the Men's Meeting we discussed how we can place God into our daily workings - you know - the small stuff - the things at work - a meeting, a phone call, an employee, etc. The small things - a child who is cranky, a dog that won't heel, the guy who cuts you off in traffic, etc.

Not just with the alcoholic. Because our disease, has infiltrated all other parts of our lives and has in some ways, made us unreasonable or cranky or not patient or not serene.

I noticed a couple of key points tonight I would like to share while they are still on my mind;

1. God is always there. You have to listen.
2. Be patient. God is telling us this all the time.
3. Be patient some more
4. When we force solutions because God has not answered our prayers, we are usually screwing something up (because we were not patient).
5. God has three answers when you pray or ask for something; 1.) Yes 2.) Not yet and 3.) I have something better in store for you.
6. A God of my understanding. So many of us have been hurt, that at the time we could not fathom a God allowing this to happen - But over time we realize that a God of MY understanding - not someone else's or any organized religion saying IT IS THIS WAY - PERIOD.
7. I saw on a bumper sticker at a meeting place that has AA and Al-Anon attendees; "God is too big for just one religion." I really like that one.
8. God has a plan. This gives me comfort.
9. When I am not present - I am in my head and my ego is mastering me. I must stay present. I believe this is where God is.
10. Someone said tonight, they really didn't get the full meaning of Step 1 until he went through and worked Steps 2 and 3.

I hope this helps tonight and Wednesday. I hope you are all very well.

Random Notes

Tonight I am going to a Men's Al-Anon Meeting. I am looking forward to it, as this is a pretty strong group of people who have a lot of experience.

I am very grateful for my sponsor. If you do not have a sponsor - GET ONE! He or she can be very helpful - especially in times of crisis (arguments, getting ready to do a dumb thing, reacting, thinking way too hard, obessive thinking (i.e. worrying, projecting, feeling guilty etc.).

So, get a sponsor!

I will follow up later as I have a lot of things happening in the next 24 hours.

Hope all is well

Peace and Serenity

I just deleted a post I wrote about last night. It may have been too weird. But I will tell you it had to do with cardinals - the bird. They are flying around me at different times. And these are tough, trying moments, usually. Then a person starts talking about the bird - and what happened in their yard - again the subject - the bird - comes up.

Anyway . . .

Today, and this weekend, I want to talk about, coping. And coping means when we are getting attacked, provoked, manipulated and controlled.

I would like for each of us to write about one or two things that really has helped us not respond and react and/or feel shame or guilt or resentment with the alcoholic.

What has helped you that may help others?

The Easy Button - Getting Provoked

I must wear a big "easy button" on my chest. Why is it that the alcoholic can provoke and stir up such negative emotions in us?

They know exactly what buttons to push, don't they? And of course, we want so desperately to respond, don't we? And if we respond, what does it get us?

My answer: Nothing. It just makes us more frustrated. We respond expecting that we are talking to a normal person, hoping to gain love, acceptance, and maybe just understanding of our feelings or how we view the world.

We have to remember we are dealing with a person who is ill.

Someone said, this disease of alcoholism is like cancer. I thought about this and I disagree. The disease is more like a person who is mentally deranged or specifically, someone who is neurotic, has psychosis, and/or is narcissistic.

Yes, we can feel compassion for this person. But the analogy of this disease compared to someone who has cancer is NOT accurate. The person with cancer has compassion. He or she may be consumed with his or her disease of cancer, but they still feel for others and care about the feelings of others and the world others are living in.

The alcoholic - when they are in full bloom - can be an ass. They are self-centered and they are delusional. They think what they think and how they think is the way everyone else should think. They see themselves as the center of the universe, with all the stars and planets revolving around them. This is their disease.

I am not saying not to feel compassion for them. But it is a lot harder when they are in full bloom. And just because they are sober today, does not mean that their disease has gone away. It is still there. It has affected their minds. It has destroyed brain cells. In fact, the killing of brain cells may put them at 16 years old in their thought processes, when their physical body is 40 years old.

It takes years of recovery before they can get back to their true age. I understand when this happens, it is a beautiful thing. But, the alcoholic has to be sober (and this means NO drink) for sometimes over a year - sometimes two years.

It is a nightmare of a disease. But it is not like cancer.

And this "easy button" thing, well they provoke to deflect the disease of alcoholism from being the cause of all their problems. When we respond, they rationalize to themselves that we are at fault and that they are pure and good. That may be an over generalization, but there is a lot of truth to this, at least I believe it to be true.

The compassion thing? Well I think if we have compassion, it may keep us from responding, by reminding ourselves that this is a terrible disease and the compassion may be the most beneficial to us and not so much to the alcoholic. So I am all for compassion if is helps us and keeps us from worrying, and responding to the buttons being pushed.

I hope this little message helps you today.

PS - I was provoked today, yesterday and the day before. Damn, I have to read my own posts!

PPS - Also, I believe there are people who push our buttons, (not just our qualifiers) because we have shown them how and what to push, by our reacting either by being defensive, by cringing, taking them on, telling others what happened etc. Let's let these "issues" go and show that we are better than what we were (not better than the other person - because we all are frail humans - and we don't want to get into a comparison battle) - and demonstrate our alignment to the universe.

The Topic Was Gossip

In the other day's Al-Anon meeting, the topic was gossip. What the heck does gossip have to do with our disease??

Well, if I think about it, in my insecure way, I might talk about someone else, who is not in my presence, to someone else. This little talking about - tries to bring about an immediate bonding effect - where we both have a common "enemy" or something in common in the way we feel about another person.

So, right away we feel good about one another because we are trashing someone else.

Pretty sad isn't it? I believe when I do this - I am acting out of insecurity - or fear. Fear that people won't like me, accept me, think less than I am.

I also may be trying to make myself look better than another person.

But in reality, I am not living the principles outlined in Al-Anon and I wind up bringing myself down to a level I don't want to be at.