Tonight - A Speakers Meeting & The Noon Day Meeting

Al-Anon Speakers Meeting
Tonight was a speaker's meeting. The woman who spoke was super articulate. She told of her qualifier and the hell she went through. She told of drunken binges and blackouts and how she went into isolation and could not and would not even speak. That was 24 years ago.

Tonight she could speak. And she did!

It reminded me of why I am getting my divorce. My qualifier is on the road to self-destruction. I cannot stop her. I got off the railroad tracks and pulled our daughter too.

I wish my in-laws and my soon to be ex-wife's friends could have heard the speaker tonight.

A Noon Day Meeting
I also went to a noon day meeting - this meeting was just as good because it was basically a Step 6 (although I could relate it better to Steps 1,2 and 3) and Let Go and Let God. Several women were there and spoke of their children who were alcoholics. As one woman put it - "If it is your spouse you could leave and divorce - but if it is your son - your only son - what can you do?" she asked.

What can you do indeed? I know what the literature says. I know the "supposed to" thing. But your own child? This has got to be the toughest Let Go and Let God there is.

I pray to and for all the parents out there who have children who are battling this disease. And I hope my daughter will understand one day soon why I am getting the divorce - although she has asked I cannot and have not been truthful with her. I told her, "That is between me and mommy." But I sense she knows. And there is no use telling her why, because she needs to love and respect her mom, and she needs her mom to love and respect her. If I did tell her it would look like I am placing our daughter in the middle of a "who's right and who's wrong" type of deal and everyone would wind up hurt. I do - just hope for -this -that our daughter understands the terribleness of this disease and it runs in families. This is a prayer too that I make every day, and hope she sees why I go to meetings.

This disease really does suck. I've been to two meetings today where the focus was not on me, but on the disease and it reminded me how terrible, cunning and baffling it is.

As the speaker said tonight, "It is cunning,baffling and powerful. And it is patient." Meaning it will out wait you and get you when you least expect it.

But there is hope. As she said, "Once I got out the way and stopped interfering with my husband's drinking, God intervened and he went to AA - that night! And the men took care of him that night - all night. And it began his recovery. And it began mine, as I left him at home by himself, and I went to an Al-Anon meeting.

She also said; "Man takes a drink. Then the drink takes a drink. Then the drink takes the man."

There is hope. More importantly - if you have faith - and work the program - miracles do happen. I can attest to this.

I hope you are well.

A Program - Everyone Needs One

It's amazing now that I have an Al-Anon program, how often I find people "assuming" they can offer me advice, or crossing boundaries . . . I know they don't mean to . . . but it is truly amazing!

A good friend of mine was "helping me" yesterday. He was offering me advice, but when I told him the "help" I could use, if he could offer it, it became a little weird. It seemed he wanted to only help me the way he wanted to help me, and that what I needed in the way of help, well, was not what he wanted to give. So I can stop the mystery, my friend has a lobbyist/consultant that he uses, I wanted to talk to him over coffee, if and only if, he had time (I know people and he knows people and I want them to connect).

Anyway, may be I crossed a boundary looking for this introduction. Who knows.

I - by the way - offer my connections up to virtually anyone. I read this book awhile ago, called "Never Eat Alone," which was an "OK" book for me - but is/was a runaway best seller. What I liked about the book was the author was very honest about his career and how he was let go. He pulled himself up and created his own business. I have a lot of respect for people who pull themselves up - especially after being shot down. He offers a lot of insight into his "program" of connecting people.

But - as usual - I digress . . .

I met with my sherpa/councillor/shrink yesterday. She asked me to identify the qualities I would like in a woman. I listed several (about 10). But one of the qualities I listed was - someone who has a "program" - specifically, I guess - Al-Anon. I am a long ways off from dating - beyond a coffee - or a walk in the park - because my lines would consist of "duh" and "er." However, on the bright side, those two words are universally acceptable bumbling moves in any language.

Another quality was honesty. There were others as well.

But the program - the fact that someone knows that they contribute to the relationship when it succeeds and when it flounders ("they see their part in it") and they know boundaries, letting go, and being honest are very important to me.

My sherpa wasn't coaching me on dating by the way. She explained to me that the qualities I would look for in someone else are typically the qualities I have that I may not accept that I have (or realize I have). This was very interesting to me. The qualities then sort of surprised me. I was - in a sense - "pleased" with what I stated - they were all around sincerity and integrity, health and work-ethic.

Anyway - this post may be more about rambling than anything else, as I sit in a Starbucks somewhere in the universe at 2:18PM Wednesday.

As I sign off - a woman is screaming about her "latte" being a something or other that I never heard of that only Starbucks can charge around $5 for. By the way - it's about 90 degrees here. I would be screaming about how hot it is and I need ice for my latte, not that it is Chi or whatever the heck she is insulted that it is. My person opinion - but if you could hear her - wow. This is what I mean as - This is a person who needs a program. See I tied this to the post. Hope you are laughing a bit.

Loneliness versus Aloneness

Key words: Al-Anon. Loneliness. Aloneness. Solitude

Isn't it strange that we (I) can feel alone in a group of people? Maybe it's here, in a group of people, that I can feel an inadequacy of some sort that pushes me to the periphery of the group.

That's the way I used to feel sometimes, in certain situations.

Business Situations
Put me in a meeting, and I can fit right in. Put me one of those after work cocktail hour group things, and I suck. It's probably because I cannot find the balance between work and the people I work with and the socializing small talk, that I have to dig to find something in common with, versus the all-out, be funny, find something humorous about myself that I have done, we can share together, and hopefully find out something equally as funny about you.

But in these after hours cocktail hour things, I am uneasy. I am never too sure how much to reveal, since I err on the side of showing that I am human and make mistakes to put people at ease. And maybe, that is my mistake, my "character defect." Why do I think I need to be responsible for others "unease?" How do I know they are even uneasy? And who says I have to be responsible for others happiness?

Well, this flow of consciousness just revealed something about me. I am not responsible for others feelings. This is not new - for I discovered that I - under the past conditions - felt I had to make or be responsible for others having fun and being happy.

Note to self; Look at this harder. See where else this affecting you and your life.

Aloneness and Loneliness
OK. Back to loneliness. I am in state of being between loneliness, and aloneness. I do not mind being alone. I like solitude. It is refreshing and rejuvenating. But I am also a people person, a relationship person. I like to share ideas, conversations and just hanging out. I have been using Al-Anon meetings for this, as a crutch, as I go through this transformative stage in my life. (as you may know I was married to an alcoholic and through a long period of strife, set some boundaries and this time, stuck by them).

I have no regrets. In fact this is the odd thing; I thought I would be filled with self-doubt and fear (fear of being alone - or loneliness). But I am not. Some how I feel as if I am wrong or a feeling of guilt. I have told this only to my closest family members, and now to you - the readers of this blog.

On the Personal Side
I am not necessarily alone, as I have many friends, and a delightful little child, who, at times can act like 17 or 21, and then 8, but this, I believe is normal. And this little fact is enlightening for me. I find I may be overstepping certain aspects of her life and her choices, and in other areas, I see she needs a little more supervision and - some more chores - to teach her responsibility. But I am not pushing, I am going slow, a pace, that normally, is not normal. My old normal was; I go fast, want immediate results, and I want everyone to see it my way. My old normal. I am working on this. I see the need for staying away - and saying something once and only once, in order not to push her away, and thereby making me "alone with her." I see I must practice the opposite of what I would normally do, things that make sense to me, in order to help and create that bond of father and daughter. At least, I hope I am correct in this! ;-)

In my marriage, I realized I was alone. I was by myself - figuratively - and I was lonely. But, I would have stuck it out. So, the great gratitude I have, is the alcoholism and realizing now, the protection of our daughter was/is paramount, my heath, and my well-being - both spiritually and as a human - was suffering much more than I could have ever imagined.

Alone and Solitude
I am alone however - right now - but I am not lonely.

Being alone - especially early in the morning - is my solitude and can be great to rebuilding and programming my mind for peace and happiness. I do this by reading and taking notes on my reading. It is very refreshing.

I hope this post makes sense and helps you today discern loneliness and aloneness.

Try This To Stay Present

Here's a little exercise to stay present. I got this from Tolle's book, The Power of Now. Interesting, little thing. Here it is; Try to think about what your next thought is going to be.

That's right. Think about what your next thought will be. I was actually running and listening to this book in MP3 on my ipod when I heard this. So I tried it. It really forced me to stop thinking. I tried it for about a minute or so while running. I became a little concerned because I also lost a little track of where I was placing my feet,and I was running on some uneven ground. And, the truth be known, my head started to hurt.

Try this though. Try thinking about or guessing what the next thought will be that will enter your mind.

This - I believe - is a little exercise to learn how to stay in the present moment and help you train your mind to stop thinking random thoughts without your permission.

Accept the Day

Accept the Day. Al-Anon teaches us to "accept" things - people, events, situations, etc. Accept to me means - don't resist and fight with what is. While I am tired of hearing the saying, "It is what it is." there is a lot of truth in it.

Accept the moment if it is bad. Don't react. Observe. Observe the issue - the situation, as if you are an unaffected bystander. Cultivate the attitude of; "Isn't this interesting?" Or, "I wonder what this is meant to teach me." Observe and stand back. You may see the meaning of detachment here. You are not the situation. You are not less than if you sense you are being verbally attacked. You are who you are and you are WHOLE, COMPLETE and PERFECT.

Many people want to say they are not perfect. But I say you are. Listen to your inner voice when you say "I am perfect." The voice may laugh or it may say, "No you're not." But you are!

Remember this - there is a creator of infinite intelligence - a Higher Power - or God - if you prefer - AND he/she made you as perfect. What he/she gave you, was supreme rein over your actions.

Based upon this truth - you are perfect - what you may do is NOT always perfect. Give up the fact that you have to do everything perfectly. Perfectly doing is an evaluation or judgment of the action or activity.

Just release and accept.

Maturity in this program or in life is not about doing something perfectly. It lies in accepting reality. Not wishing or hoping. Just accept where you are. And realize you can move from where you are to another spot - another new reality over time. And you have the will to decide what spot you want to move to. Where you decide - and that is key - you decide - may not be perfect based upon others' opinion of reality or their beliefs. But it is up to YOU! You decide!

What you may do is not perfect - whatever perfect is. Accept this when something goes less than what we expected or desired. Laugh at this when you do something you may be embarrassed about. Realize this too, what everyone else does is not perfect either. Behind the closed doors of a bank President may shock you. Behind the mask your boss wears to work may reveal his foibles or lack of confidence. It doesn't matter what their weaknesses are - except that realize we are all struggling and have our doubts and fears and that this is just part of life. Accept this. Accept the day and just say "I am going to do my best." That's it. Not "It's going to be perfect." For what is "perfect?"

Listen to your heart, feel your emotions, understand your reactions to events, and realize - that this just is. Listening to your feelings and reactions can reveal more about yourself and what perhaps you are not accepting, which may allow you to release whatever imperfection you have or belief you feel you need to live up to.

This "accepting" may help you understand what false beliefs you have accepted as true about you and the world, that are in truth, making you feel guilty, feel ignorant, or holding you back.

Accept - listen - and allow the truth to revealed to you about certain situations and just observe today.

Second Post Today - And Affirmations

I want to tell you - that since doing my affirmations out loud today, I not only feel good, but my ability to "talk" has been enhanced as well. The conversations I am having are positive, and I am a lot more articulate. I recall these are the effects I experienced a while ago when I was doing these everyday.

I am a walking affirmation and testimonial!

Try it and find out for yourself!