Today I Celebrated ONE YEAR!

Celebrating my birthday in Al-Anon - one year.

Today, I celebrated one year in Al-Anon. I feel like it's been 5 years, probably because I have averaged around 5 or 6 meetings a week - if not more. I sometimes go to two meetings a day.

You might ask why. I find that I had to escape my house filled with alcoholism and that by escaping, getting out of the house, I could regain peace . . . or semblance of it. I realized that I had to get out permanently, because of my daughter's welfare.

I am now out. I am realizing how screwed up the alcoholism had made me. The lies, deceit, and its craftiness to make me feel like there wasn't anything wrong, or that I was "controlling" and "crazy." These feelings are often discussed in the literature and by newcomers - and old-timers of Al-Anon who can recall the sickness of this family disease.

The main point of this disease is - I almost DID NOT celebrate my one year - what we call "Birthday" in Al-Anon. I almost did not sign up - or I should say - I did not sign up. For my true birthday was in June. I felt "unworthy" and didn't want to be a "bother" or "burden" anyone. It wasn't a martyr thing either - I can assure you. And I don't "slip obsequiously into the night" about things - especially about work or related matters. The people I see on a regular basis are super nice and loving and most of all - accepting.

I decided to "sign-up" to celebrate when I realized that this is another part of my disease speaking out. I decided I must do what feels bothersome and therefore celebrate it.

Well, it was too late for a coin. But my sponsor and a very super smart woman gave me there coins. I am indebted and I am grateful.

I have never thought I would experience the "magic" of something - this is far more than a 12-Step Program, for it helped me regain my lost self and find God - whom has guided me gently through this obstacle course. I have found when something went wrong, something good came of it. When something bad happened, it was really a blessing in disguise.

I am grateful to all of you dear readers - I know you are reading and having times of difficulty - or you are embracing your program and have found peace or are working the Steps and the program and finding a new way of life.

It does work. It is the most amazing thing.

My God Box

Just a quick note to God:

Thank you for providing not just one answer to my request, but two.

I am grateful. Very grateful.

I Could've Done This!!!!

I hope your Friday goes really well and your weekend is even better.

If this doesn't make you laugh . . . well we need to check your pulse!

It's called the Evolution of Dance

Meeting with Someone

Wednesday morning I was mugged. Yep . . . mugged. Not literally, but figuratively. I met a person, a consultant, who was from another city for breakfast. He started to interviewing me, basically sizing me up. This happens often in business - but usually done with some class - very indirectly and the person who asks - actually listens.

This guy . . . well he had his answers shaped in his head as to what he wanted. And he wanted the answer right away. He asked, "What is a 'professional'?"

"Er, what?!" I wanted to ask.

My old days I would have danced. I would have asked him a question or two, to see what he was thinking and where he was going. Now-a-days, I don't give a flip (substitute your word here - "flip" is the word I choose to stay G Rated this morning.)

I did sit there in the midst a staccato burst of questions, wondering "How in the world did I get involved with this guy? And thank God that the other people in the company he is representing is not like him - or so I hope - at least not over the phone they aren't.

He was sizing me up and then gave me advice at the end. Part of me - the old me - wanted to take my debating skills, sharpen up the tongue, and slice his points one by one, to demonstrate his not only pedantic questions were not in touch with reality of the business he was presenting, but that his knowledge and acumen and style of the business work works only if he is part of the Mafia.

Anyway, while I did feel anger come up, I managed it. Although I will tell you, there was a place where my disease wanted to tell him to cram it up his you know where. I would have felt great delight in saying that. But, why? It would have felt great for . . . 10 minutes? 5?

Then the regret. The guilt. I would have felt bad afterwards.

I wanted revenge, that's true. I don't liked being judged. I don't like when someone is trying to demonstrate they are smarter than I am, especially, oh, and this is the good one, especially because they don't know what I've been through to get to where I am.

Now, isn't that last sentence revealing? Is that the "victim" thing I hear about in Al-Anon popping up?

Yes. Been through a lot. So has everyone else.

My job: Not to allow anyone to destroy, tip over, upset - MY SERENITY.

My sponsor says: If you have a chose, choose the path or the option that leads you to serenity.

Not his exact quote - but it is basically what he says. He doesn't use the word "path," that's mine. I wanted to sound "poetic" - another defect - not that poetry is bad - but that I am wanting to show that I am - well smart or worse - smarter than I am!

Ha! Today is going to be an excellent day.

PS - I am traveling. Staying at the Swissotel. Nice place. Bought chocolate baseballs for my daughter last night. They are the little round chocolates wrapped in baseball looking foil. Well, on the way to the restaurant I found the store that sold them. So, while in the restaurant, at the bar waiting for a table, I set the bag on this counter, on the wall. And you can guess where this may be going . . . the bag fell. And the baseballs fell out and rolled all around the bar. People laughed. I was - embarrassed - BUT - at the price of those chocolates, guess who was on the floor picking up baseballs?

Self Acceptance

Al-Anon; Self-Acceptance; Judging

In Al-Anon meetings, I rarely hear of anyone speaking on Self-Acceptance. I thought I would write this post about it and see if it makes sense and will help you. When I first read about self-acceptance and these words, I thought, "Wow. Very interesting . . . . Now I can put it to the test.

I believe judging yourself does not do you or anyone else any good. It only hurts and worse, it can wind up destroying yourself from the inside out.

One way to test - to see if you are judging yourself - is this;

Notice how you feel when you're in a group of people. Do you feel fragmented or do you feel complete?

By complete, I mean, do you feel whole? Of complete value? Or do you feel a little "less than?"

I am not saying that you should not act differently when you are at work, versus when you are with family or friends. We all have "roles" we have to play. I believe this is normal and frankly it would be hard to be the same way you are work as you are at home or with friends.

These are just roles. And we are not our roles.

Be aware of your behavior and how you feel in different situations.

Our Higher Power works through us and can make us feel complete and whole - because - I believe we are. And I believe we can be at peace and have serenity anytime and anyplace.

A Downer Al-Anon Meeting? YOU Must Read This!!

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was led by a very articulate person, a person who asked me to lunch several times and we talked about our "situations." He too, has/had the same situation I have. One child, and a wife drinks/drank - the divorce.

Anyway . . .

He read from "How Al-Anon Works" a section in the back about a man whose sons were drinking - teenagers - and how the man, the father, became better and "took back over" as head of the family and gave the two boys the ultimatum; "Stop drinking/smoking pot, or get out."

It reminded me that this month is the month that I started this blog. And where I was in my recovery a year ago.

A lot of people shared. It was rather emotional for some. There was crying because of certain family situations. And the reading prompted the words "detachment, letting go, and choices."

At the end of the meeting, the discussion leader, who is very strong and what I would consider serene and well into recovery, came up to me and another person at the end of the meeting, and apologized, saying he didn't mean for it to be a "downer of a meeting." I replied, "I thought it was a good meeting. There was a lot of sharing."

I was over talking to someone else, and again, this person who is strong in recovery, came over and said, "I am sorry about the meeting topic being a downer." I replied, again, "It was a good meeting. I didn't see it as a downer."

When I got home last night - I was thinking; "Why did he think it was a bad meeting? Was it because people were crying and expressing their hurts and pain and fear?"

Many times now, as I look back, I see this pattern of men, expressing how the meeting turned into a "bitch session" or how the person expressing pain was "whining." I am not sure if the women do this, but I have not heard them say anything like this.

Interesting.

Interesting how some feel that expressing pain or sorrow or hurt or fear or anger or some negative emotion may be bad.

My initial analysis is: I do the same thing as my friend does or did. I want to the meeting to be happy, joyous, serene.

And, I want people to think "Man, he is ze most brillllliannnt of all the people in zee vorld." (use the accent of some mad German scientist).

Yep. That's my disease kicking in.

I suspect, that his disease is similar.

My analysis (and this is my disease too - the analysis thing) is this; he was attached to the outcome. He was emotionally attached to a result. And not achieving the desired result he was hoping for, his ego got hold of him and perhaps, made him feel, well, "less than" what he desired.

You can almost hear the ego's voice saying, "See. You are not that brilliant. You were not uplifting. You are but still 'less than' others. You'll never make it." And on and on the ego goes, pulling you/him, forever downward.

As the ego grabs hold of this person's brain and spirals downward, I liken it to an alligator grabbing it's victim in a death roll, until the victim drowns.

What makes the meeting bad?

Answer: Our labeling of it as so. There ain't the Al-Anon Meeting Olympic Committee. No Olympic Judges reviewing us. Their ain't no judges from Russia screwing with the point system. It is only our labeling it as "bad" that makes it bad. Does this make sense?

Ponder this for a second. "It is only our labeling of something of 'bad' that makes it bad."

Oh - I can hear the arguments going off in the heads of the readers of this right now.

The argument is you ego trying to take control of you. It is trying to make you "right." Don't let it. Observe it though.

But back to the point about labeling it as bad. Next thing we do; we gather the facts or our interpretation of the facts to support our labeling of it as bad. We look for all the reasons to protect our label and make the label the correct label. In other words, we look for the reasons or facts that make it "bad" and support the label. Why? Because we want to be right. And the ego wants you to feel like shit.

However, what if . . .

What if crying at the meeting was a sign that it was a good meeting? What it bitching actually helped someone release pent up energy and negativity he or she could not otherwise express? Especially express somewhere else? Expression of bad shit happening in one's life is why Al-Anon is such as GREAT place - because - it's here that it is safe to do so.

And my friend . . .

Well, he gave everyone the key to unlock the door that behind the door was a bunch of crap to be let go and explored as it was thrown out into the middle of the circle to view for the first time out loud.

This is power. This is the power of these rooms. A safe place to feel. A safe place to express. A safe place to screw-up (if you label it as such). And "screwing up" is just a label. Who actually judges whether it is a screw-up or not? And if we all judge it as a screw-up - it does not make us "right."

Interesting.

To my friend I would say; You may want to explore your feeling about it being a "downer" of a meeting last night. Why do you think it was? And why does it make any difference if it really was?

And, me - I should explore why I feel compelled to point this out to him? I know the answer. I will admit I would like to print this post off and hand him this post for him to read.

My answer as to why:
1. I want to help him see his illness. In other words, I want to fix him. (Control)
2. I want him to see my brilllll-ant writing and have him recognize that; I am ze best in ze vorld. Supersmart.

My answer is my disease.

I have control over my disease. I will not print this off and show him.