Letting Go - On New Years

Letting Go - a powerful concept.

I just placed into my God box a note asking for help in "letting go" and gaining peace and serenity this week. Then I go to Robert Anthony's book - by the way - not approved by the Al-Anon conference - and open up the page and there is a whole section on letting go.

Life and Al-Anon work this way for me now. The synchronicity thing . . .

I am going to quote from it and paraphrase what is means to me this morning.


"Whenever we get a strong belief, whenever we think that what we know is the truth, we then lock onto that belief as a defense against conflicting beliefs. We cannot hold conflicting beliefs in our mind without anxiety or distress. So what we do is gather supportive data and information to prove we are right and not crazy for believing what we believe. This can work against us in seeking out the truth because we operate in accord with the truth as we see it and not as it is.

Sometimes we hold on to opinions, attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve us. This is why we must examine our beliefs on a regular basis to see where we might be lying to ourselves or locking out information that may be more relevant. Why don’t we do this? We lock out the truth because we don't want to be wrong, make a mistake, or feel bad."

The words, "to prove we are right" hits me this morning. In my battle against alcoholism - my wife who is the alcoholic - I knew in my heart and intuition something was wrong. My wife, told me lies and made me think I was wrong. I fought to prove I was right. Now I lock onto my opinions and try to prove my "opinions" are right in normal, every day life - probably out of habit - but mostly out of feeling "less than" or insignificant.

I really don't think I do this as often as I did - in fact - I think I do this very rarely - but - I may be wrong. I need to look out for when I am tired.

I was tired last night. A person asked me out to a New Years celebration. I couldn't go and in reality -didn't want to. I am not a partying person right now. I know - boring. But I couldn't help but hear these words and start my judgment with this person . . .

She said, "I want to be around people and sip champagne . . ." I am saying to myself, "Why?"

I have no desire to do this. I locked onto this and started my questioning of her "desire" which was a form of judgment. It was on the phone that we had this conversation. This makes it doubly bad. My voice is deep and resonate. It can sound - well - hard. I am not hard - but when I am tired, I come across - well - I dislike admitting it - bad. I sounded controlling. I was manipulative in my questions.

This person is a nice person. Different values. Different desires. I said I wasn't going - and couldn't. I just should have "let go." And of course - I am beating myself up for my slip of judging. New Years was never a great time for me.

I had conflicting beliefs - because the truth is - I did want to go. I couldn't and shouldn't. I have stopped all alcohol intake. Not because I am an alcoholic - but because it scares the crap out of me now that I have seen its power and cunningness.

I am afraid of all who drink. I am afraid of anyone I might be attracted to. I know this disease could pop up again in my life. I am - afraid of it - no . . . scared shitless of it.

I am letting go today - because it is out of my "control."

Blueprint for Progress (Original Version-1976)

This was sent to me by a good friend in the program. She said this was one of her favorites. She has been in the program for - I think - 20 years plus. A smart and sensitive person, she has much wisdom.

Here is what she sent - exactly;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blueprint for Progress (Original Version-1976)

Maturity – p. 31

Maturity is simply being grown up. It is the quality in people which helps them to balance their intellects and their emotions so that their behavior is appropriate. The ability to do the right thing at the right time requires a clear-eyed view of situations and people and an understanding of human limitations.

Mature people resist extremes, have realistic self-images and reasonable goals, and have learned to accept responsibility for their own actions. The only expectations they have are for themselves. The only inventories they take are their own.

Maturity – p. 34

Maturity is the growing awareness that you are neither all powerful nor helpless. It could be said to be the knowledge of what is, what might be, and what cannot be. It is not a destination; it is a road. It is the moment when you wake up after some grief or staggering blow and think, “I’m going to live, after all.” It is the moment when you find that something you have long believed is not so; and, parting with old convictions you find that you are still you; the moment you discover that someone else can do your job as well as you – but you go on doing it anyway; the moment you do the thing you have always been afraid of; the moment you realize that you are forever alone, but so is everyone else; and the hundred moments when you see yourself as you are. It is letting life happen in its own good order and making the most of what there is. It is “Letting go and letting God.”

Resentment

Being provoked, when I read some one's comments, I said, "Ah yes, the alcoholic's primary weapon." Damn. I continue to be provoked.

This past weekend, late Friday to be precise, my spouse had her attorney send a fax to my attorney about two bills that were supposedly late - that supposedly I had not paid. I saw the fax, freaked out, and was down and depressed Friday and had this constant undertone of worry throughout the weekend.

Monday, I called both places. Both people said I was paid in full.

Okay. I breathed. I was relieved. But throughout the weekend, I was - well - worried and freaked. I was full of anger and bitterness. I even spoke to my spoke. No, that's not accurate. I fired back. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't even necessary - or so I found out Monday. Two bills - one was $3o bucks - that was supposedly late. Two lawyers - charging $300 per hour - who knows how much that cost. Of course, I told her that. And of course the conversation drifted to her accusing me of stuff and of course I told her that what she is doing is because of alcoholism. And of course, we were both fired up.

And of course, here I am, Tuesday morning looking back at this colossal waste of energy and emotion and stress.

Looking back at what I could have done - and somethings I did do to relieve it.

I called my sponsor Friday night. I could tell he was busy. He told me I was doing the right thing by calling him and going to a meeting . . .

So when I called him, I was looking for this Friday meeting - Friday night - who would have ever thought I would be not at some "bar" on a Friday if I was single. Now I post this because this is my old thinking that if I was single on a Friday that I would have to go out with some buddies and entertain ourselves . . . but since I don't drink and bars are not where you find peace and serenity . . . And who the heck would ever have thought that I would be looking for peace and serenity?????

So, on Friday's I look for Al-Anon meetings - not bars. Not social scenes. But Al-Anon meetings. What a funny thing to post. Funny equaling - well - strange. But - maybe - well just funny.

My life has turned for the better.

I am going through a rough time. The holidays ARE stressful. We - or I - have this map in my head of what Christmas is supposed to be. It is this Norman Rockwell postcard picture of snow and a family decorating the tree. With friends coming over later - for - well - even Norman I think has this in a picture somewhere - eggnog with - alcohol mixed in. Well maybe he doesn't. But in my head he does.

But back to this crazy stupid thing that I ALLOWED to occur IN MY HEAD.

I was full of anger - resentment - bitterness - all masking worry. I was not able to find that meeting Friday night. And since I had my child most of the weekend - could not get to another meeting.

So here I am - this morning - realizing that - I have not been to a meeting in - what - 5 days? Let's see; Thursday, Friday or was I at the noon meeting Friday - I think I was - Saturday? Nope. Sunday or Monday? No and no.

I need a meeting.

Back to this anger. It is resentment. I resent being done unto (the fax). I resent being blamed for the divorce. She is saying ALL the neighbors know that I am a bastard. Of course I respond (retaliate), "Tell them to come talk to me and I can show the documents of this and that and why I am getting a divorce . . . blah, blah, blah."

Okay. So I am in recovery. I explaining that I can forget. Slip. Falter. And harbor ill-wills.

Resentment. I like what I have heard others say over and over about this harboring of ill-wills called resentment;

"Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die."

Yep. It sure is. My stress level was up - WAAAY up Saturday. I allowed my peace and serenity to be broken.

Sure, life is easier for me. I am out of the abuse of the alcoholics throw of words. Today I can just hang up the phone.

Okay the phone is ringing - it's my soon to be ex-spouse . . .

Being Provoked and Responding

I forgot about this word - "provoked."

It's so much easier to be out of the house of a raging alcoholic. I forgot how the alcoholic provokes and picks - until you cannot take it any more and you respond in retaliation.

While I am out of the house now, I am still being provoked, but no where the same amount and no where the same intensity. Some how, I still respond. Why the hell do I do this?

I am tired of the fighting - I want some peace. My soon to be ex-wife is accusing me of sleeping with my attorney's paralegal. Yes, she is nice looking. No, I am not sleeping with her.

Some how, the alcoholic - my soon to be ex - is so convincing, that I have to ask myself if I am sleeping with her.

Yes I do hang up now when I hear this bashing of how I am cheating. But not always. I defend by saying "I am not." When I defend, I am as good as dead.

I need to relax and detach. I need to chill tonight and this week. And why in the world do I have this compulsion to defend????

Healed or Be Justified - Your Choice

In recovery I have learned many things. Learning is one thing. Practicing these and making them part of me is another (i.e. Living them). Here is a phase/sentence that is profound for me. I hope it resonates with you.

"You can either be justified or be healed. But you cannot do both."

I like that quote. It resonated with me this morning. Justification hangs on to negative, unrealistic and irrational thoughts. Justification makes my mind allow sickness to stay. Justification puts my life "on hold." It keeps me living in the past.

I let go of all justification. It keeps me rooted in the past and is associated with negative energy.

You've Already Won

I read every morning. I find if I can concentrate on something positive without being sidetracked, I set sail for a more peaceful day.


Being Worthy And Deserving
Here what I read this morning.

If you cannot accept yourself - accept that you are worthy and deserving - then you cannot accept the behavior of other people and are therefore in judgment of them.

Wow. Not accepting myself as worthy and deserving sets me up as a judger of others [I know, "judger" no such thing - but it 6:40AM on Saturday!].

Here is another little sentence that caught my eye and my mind. I've read it a dozen times in the past 5 months;

If you are judging others and not accepting yourself as worthy, then you are dwelling on lack and limitation.

Scarcity Thinking Leads Me To Control or Fear Based Thinking
Okay. I get it. I am sitting on the negative, scarcity side of my mind and looking at life through a lens of poverty, lack and limitation; or things I don't have and then look for more - so I can set myself up for more scarcity, which essentially leads me to more fear based thinking.

Another sentence - right after the last one;

By dwelling on lack and limitation - you are limiting yourself and consequently making decisions that are based on fear. Your thinking goes; What will they think? What will they do? What will they say?

It's All ABout Me and My Thinking
YIKERS!!! I see it in me! I start by thinking scarcity. I take a slow step by step into obsessive NEGATIVE thinking - about things I cannot control. And then I might set myself up to try to control this behavior of others or things outside myself, which I cannot, and I know I cannot.

Recovery: Trading Control For Fear?
If I begin to recover, I stop the controlling behavior of myself over others. So, I begin to see that I stop trying to control. This is where I think I first recognized that when I stopped trying to control the behavior of others and the outcome I learned I was powerless. BUT and this is a BIG BUT - now I realize I cannot control - but now FEAR Comes In!!!!!

Recovery: The NEXT Step?
If I realize, I am already OKAY - I am already whole, complete and perfect (what I do is not perfect - but if I truly believe in a HP - my HP has allowed me the grace to be imperfect which makes me perfect. Does that make sense?].

No Longer Having To Win The Approval of Others
The mere fact that my HP has "allowed" me to live in this world and experience it first hand tells me I have already Won. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need the acceptance of others. I don't need to get the opinions of others to state I am okay and worthy. I am already worthy; therfore I have won. I no longer need to try to win the approval of others.

I need to print this post out. Tape it to the end of a stick. And then tape the other end of the stick to my head so I reread this everyday for the next 21 days.

Peace and serenity to all this weekend