When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
Monday, January 26, 2009
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Accepting
Accepting where you are right now.
Accepting to me used to mean - giving up, giving in, or saying, "What's the use?"
Accepting means to me today, I am happy and satisfied with what I am, what I have and living now in the present. What a change. A word that had such a negative connotation to being a word that is positive and fulfilling.
If I can accept - and not crave or desire for what ought to be, I am a much happier person. I don't compare, judge, evaluate, or wish for something different.
Just for Today: Try to accept where you are, what you have and not wish for something to be different. Even better, try not wishing for someone else to be different.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I'm bAAck
Good morning-
I have had a lot of pressure to deal with. Child custody mediation. What a nightmare. Because there are no DUIs/DWIs - there is no evidence of a problem drinker. I am made to look like the nut case.
Isn't that one of the real issues with this disease? We are made to look like we are overreacting, which we probably do at times, a little crazy and obsessed - which we are at times too.
We are made to feel - inferior. We are made to feel like we are less than.
No one outside the alcoholic home knows what we go through. I am 6' 4" - and this little woman - 5' 5" looks innocent compared to me and my deep voice. I am made out to be the bad guy. Especially since I can get pissed off, I all of a sudden have "anger problems." A nice 2009 cultural label that one cannot fend off very well. Something that is more "apparent" than an alcoholic driving and drinking with children in the car.
Okay. So that sounded like victim language.
But I am not. I was given less custody by the guardian ad litem (GAL) - the court appointed attorney we requested. I was really pissed.
But I prayed. And I really did. In the mediation, the GAL changed his mind a week after he told the parties of his findings - in the meeting after my deposition.
Prayer does work. I must remember faith and compassion for the universe and God of my understanding.
Compassion for all and especially ME!
It's almost over. Next is the money division. My wife is very rich and will become even richer because of inheritance. I fear I will lose a lot of my assets and she will have 2X money and soon 5X.
I worry and pray again. I came from a poor family. I am fortunate and grateful to have worked my head and butt off. I have brothers who are a doctor, an entrepreneur, an exec and a sister who is in sales. We all made it out of poverty so to speak - and now we don't have to worry where the next meal is coming from.
I worry about being poor again - even though I know I won't. But I have this vision or fear of living in a dilapidated apartment that is dark and dingy. I saw one of these apartments last week on my way to the mediation. My stomach went empty and my heart jumped. I could visualize myself in the apartment - dark, watching TV .... it scared me.
I worry and I pray for peace and this coming to an end.
Prayer - which I never did really - until about 1.5 years ago - has been a great soother for me.
I have been out of town working - a management kick-off meeting - in San Antonio TX. We worked from Sunday to Thursday - 15 hours a day. The Riverwalk was very nice and great architecture - saw this for about an hour one day - the only hour for down time.
Peace this Saturday and weekend to you all.
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Note I Made To Myself
I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.
I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.
Here is the sentence I captured;
"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."
Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?
There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;
"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Not Everything Goes According To Plan
OK. Yesterday - was okay - in some ways it sucked. I was provoked by the alcoholic and by her attorney. And I provoked. And I argued back.
Arguing with an alcoholic's attorney. Now that is a new concept for Al-Anon. I think my wife's attorney was surprised. My attorney was surprised - for sure. My disease is I was so used to arguing with the alcoholic - arguing with a semi-sane person was/is actually fun.
Yes. I know. I shouldn't have. I am sort of beating myself up this morning and at the same time, realizing everything is as it is for a reason.
Everything is as it was meant to be.
There is comfort in that.
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1:21 PM
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Labels: My Story
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Holding Your Thoughts
Today I am working on holding my positive thoughts and overriding my worries.
I am a little anxious. Friday I go to mediation with my wife and the lawyers. The lawyers want money - our money. I pray for God's will and that I see it and my wife sees it. I am strategizing how the mediation will go as my wife is very well-to-do and has family money. But as I have learned, I have to let go of the outcome and allow God - my Higher Power - to step in.
I am not in control of the outcome - but I can do the necessary steps to prepare.
I am much happier than I was a year ago. I know everything that has happened has a reason.
I am very blessed and fortunate. When I allow my feelings to turn to gratitude and feeling blessed, I feel less anxious.
I have not been to a meeting since Friday. My schedule is off. I will go today at noon.
Hope you all are well.