Peace and Serenity

I just deleted a post I wrote about last night. It may have been too weird. But I will tell you it had to do with cardinals - the bird. They are flying around me at different times. And these are tough, trying moments, usually. Then a person starts talking about the bird - and what happened in their yard - again the subject - the bird - comes up.

Anyway . . .

Today, and this weekend, I want to talk about, coping. And coping means when we are getting attacked, provoked, manipulated and controlled.

I would like for each of us to write about one or two things that really has helped us not respond and react and/or feel shame or guilt or resentment with the alcoholic.

What has helped you that may help others?

The Easy Button - Getting Provoked

I must wear a big "easy button" on my chest. Why is it that the alcoholic can provoke and stir up such negative emotions in us?

They know exactly what buttons to push, don't they? And of course, we want so desperately to respond, don't we? And if we respond, what does it get us?

My answer: Nothing. It just makes us more frustrated. We respond expecting that we are talking to a normal person, hoping to gain love, acceptance, and maybe just understanding of our feelings or how we view the world.

We have to remember we are dealing with a person who is ill.

Someone said, this disease of alcoholism is like cancer. I thought about this and I disagree. The disease is more like a person who is mentally deranged or specifically, someone who is neurotic, has psychosis, and/or is narcissistic.

Yes, we can feel compassion for this person. But the analogy of this disease compared to someone who has cancer is NOT accurate. The person with cancer has compassion. He or she may be consumed with his or her disease of cancer, but they still feel for others and care about the feelings of others and the world others are living in.

The alcoholic - when they are in full bloom - can be an ass. They are self-centered and they are delusional. They think what they think and how they think is the way everyone else should think. They see themselves as the center of the universe, with all the stars and planets revolving around them. This is their disease.

I am not saying not to feel compassion for them. But it is a lot harder when they are in full bloom. And just because they are sober today, does not mean that their disease has gone away. It is still there. It has affected their minds. It has destroyed brain cells. In fact, the killing of brain cells may put them at 16 years old in their thought processes, when their physical body is 40 years old.

It takes years of recovery before they can get back to their true age. I understand when this happens, it is a beautiful thing. But, the alcoholic has to be sober (and this means NO drink) for sometimes over a year - sometimes two years.

It is a nightmare of a disease. But it is not like cancer.

And this "easy button" thing, well they provoke to deflect the disease of alcoholism from being the cause of all their problems. When we respond, they rationalize to themselves that we are at fault and that they are pure and good. That may be an over generalization, but there is a lot of truth to this, at least I believe it to be true.

The compassion thing? Well I think if we have compassion, it may keep us from responding, by reminding ourselves that this is a terrible disease and the compassion may be the most beneficial to us and not so much to the alcoholic. So I am all for compassion if is helps us and keeps us from worrying, and responding to the buttons being pushed.

I hope this little message helps you today.

PS - I was provoked today, yesterday and the day before. Damn, I have to read my own posts!

PPS - Also, I believe there are people who push our buttons, (not just our qualifiers) because we have shown them how and what to push, by our reacting either by being defensive, by cringing, taking them on, telling others what happened etc. Let's let these "issues" go and show that we are better than what we were (not better than the other person - because we all are frail humans - and we don't want to get into a comparison battle) - and demonstrate our alignment to the universe.

The Topic Was Gossip

In the other day's Al-Anon meeting, the topic was gossip. What the heck does gossip have to do with our disease??

Well, if I think about it, in my insecure way, I might talk about someone else, who is not in my presence, to someone else. This little talking about - tries to bring about an immediate bonding effect - where we both have a common "enemy" or something in common in the way we feel about another person.

So, right away we feel good about one another because we are trashing someone else.

Pretty sad isn't it? I believe when I do this - I am acting out of insecurity - or fear. Fear that people won't like me, accept me, think less than I am.

I also may be trying to make myself look better than another person.

But in reality, I am not living the principles outlined in Al-Anon and I wind up bringing myself down to a level I don't want to be at.