I Go To Court Next Monday

Next week I go to court. This week I prepare.

I have tried to mediate, I have prayed and prepared. I have done the "leg work."

Now I turn it over my HP. Where would I be without a program?

For this, I am grateful every day I can remember this.

Just for Today: I Will Stay Intensely In The Present

I look around, my big, rented house is empty of people. Have lots of furniture, from my premarital days, pretty nice furniture, no big AT&T spool tables, food in the stainless steal refrigerator, which I bought from the last rented house for a great price, because I am a negotiator and cheap, my car starts, and I had a great nights sleep.

No one is "out to get me." There is no one outside my house with a gun. I have zero debt. I have my health. I am very, very fortunate.

What Happened?
So, what is wrong? You would say, in all candor, "You are an idiot for worrying." You might not say the word, "idiot," but you should and, frankly, you would think it.

Damn, I was spinning out of control Monday. I was spinning out of control a week ago. Everything I learned in Al-Anon seemed to evaporate at certain points and intervals.

I repeat; So, what went wrong?

My Mind Took Over - It Became A Cruel Master
My mind. My mind took over. I was a slave to my mind. I said before, "The mind, a cruel Master, but a good servant." I allowed my mind to become the Master. I did not use it as a tool.

Well, as I look back, I did not exercise (running/jog is my thing), and I did not sleep well.

The sleep thing was the biggest issue. Not sleeping allowed my mind to take control and govern my reactions and responses and my worries and fears GREW in size.

The Edges of Serenity
I look around - having had a good nights sleep - and I feel - well - very fortunate. I feel grateful. As I type those words, grateful and fortunate, and feel them, I also feel a peacefulness, maybe feeling the edges of the place where serenity lives.

I am rereading a book, The Power of Now. It is not CAL approved literature, but it has a lot of good tools that reinforce Al-Anon's tools - or vice-versa.

Intense Presence
The words on page 55 - bottom - "Intense Presence." I am drifting from the writing of the book now into my interpretation . . . When things go wrong, things that trigger fear etc. etc. I become unconscious. I react from the past. I cast my past on the future fast and I become last. I think of people, places and things that can harm me rather than for what they are, and all this thinking is not reality. But my body reacts, and the adrenaline flows, and the emotion comes up. My emotion is my body's reaction to what it believes is happening because of my thoughts. Even though nothing has happened, my brain is causing my body to emotionalize its defensive mechanisms.

One trigger, in this case my soon to be ex-wife's attack through an email, and my lack of sleep and just the pressures of a divorce, a move, a new job, the economy, all in the background, is amplified. And I play into the email trigger by responding with an email, and a follow up phone call which turns into a dozen conversations with someone who can push more buttons.

She knows all the buttons to hit. She is my qualifier. She is like a concert pianist - she can hit the right keys - and I jump. I realize now I am dancing with alcoholism - again. But I have provided the piano. And I am the one dancing. She, well, she is somewhere, in a car, driving, laughing her buttooski off. She got me to react and she got just what she wanted. And - I am the one that allowed it to happen. She is probably a good person - it is the alcoholism. She has buried the alcoholism in her mind and this is what bothers me too. I need to stop trying to play with an inferno of fire and just leave it alone. Instead, I remind her of it. Why? I know why. But why should I try to convince her? I am "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread." This is an Al-Anon quote. This is my obsession, as I have learned in one of the free pamphlets from Al-Anon about our "disease."

Just for Today I Will Practice Intense Presence
Just For Today - I am going to practice INTENSE PRESENCE. I am not going to allow my mind to drift into the future or past. I am not going to feed these two time devices with anything else other than "distant observation."

I am going to see if I can remember this. I am going to visualize myself in a row boat on a lake, rowing away from shore, and observe from the boat what my mind is trying to grow when it occurs.

A Row Boat - (Or A Life Boat?)
The row boat thing comes from a negotiators book I read years ago from Harvard Negotiations Class. I cannot recall the name of the book right now - but it was a great book. Let me look on Amazon and come back to you . . .

Found it: Getting Past No. Like I said a great book and an easy read.

Intense Presence. I will not identify with my negative thoughts. As soon as I identify with the thoughts, I give the thought more energy and my body starts reacting. If I observe, it takes away the time (past and future) according to Tolle - author of the Power of Now. If I can step out of the time dimension - the thought loses power and I become intensely present.

Let's see if I can remember the rowboat and rowing away from the thought and just observing it from afar. Maybe it is my lifeboat. Interesting thought Joseph.

Just For Today

What a life I have led or lived. I am grateful for all the help so many have given me lately, when I spoke and others sensed I needed help or reassurance at Al-Anon, I got a hug and asked by people to go to lunch.

I am starting to get my act together, slowly, but surely. I realize that after so many years, when I thought I had my act together and I was sincere, that maybe, just maybe, I had this thin veil over my life and over my struggles and my wanting to just be "accepted" and be "appreciated."

I look at the words I typed above, specifically, "get my act together." Jeez, am I being "unhumble" (is that even a word?)?

Weekend
I am having a good day today. I have prayed all weekend. I had a tough couple of moments when my wife and I (wife = qualifier) engaged. Actually I did not engage, but she tried to. I was pretty happy to see that I could detach with love, and separate from her shots at me. Those shots are her pain. She doesn't want my love. It is strange. I wish she did. It would be so easy for me to fall back into my care-taking role.

Asking If You Want Help Before Giving It
The computer broke - the one we use. I tried to fix it. It was hard. My qualifier's email was not working. Some how I was blamed for that. I offered to fix it. She said, interestly, "no." I normally would have spent four hours trying to fix it - get pissed because computers and software are frustrating. Then fix it. And not a word of thanks. So now, after I asked if she wanted me to fix it, and she said "No" I walked away from it.

Interesting. I like asking if you want help now instead of just helping and not being appreciated.

I have done the same thing with our daughter. I offer help - or I ask, "Do you want me to help?" And when she says, "No" I am okay with it. Before, I would help without anyone requesting it. I would get sucked in, do it for someone, and never be appreciated.

What a relief. I don't have to help everyone! And, I now ask if they need help. What a difference! My life is a little (a lot?) simpler now. What a little tool, with such big pay-offs.

One Step Forward?
This post drifted a little bit today. I am making progress. Two steps forward, sometimes one step back. Sometimes two steps back, one forward. Sometimes I wind up going back to the same square, I guess to learn the lesson all over again. But . . .

If I am standing in the same place, at least I know where I am. (The same with going in a circle)

It Will Work Out or . . .

At Al-Anon meetings we keep the focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic. This can be hard to do, especially when we are living with the disease and it is active. It is harder even still, when there are little children involved. This - I know - firsthand.

So, I hope I can provide you with strength, hope and courage - every morning and every day from my posts. Today I want to post a comment I picked up and wrote down from a recent meeting.

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One wise man said, "When I was worried about something I had no control over, I called my sponsor. He listened to what I was worrying about and then said, 'Here's what will happen. One of two things will happen. It will either, work out . . . or, it will, work out.'"

Interesting. If we know things will just work out, that we have no control over some things and that, the God of our understanding, will oversee this for us, this can be freeing.
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In Step 1 we learn and relearn - we are "powerless over alcohol" and that our lives have become "unmanageable." Once we know this one thing, once we have admitted and committed this one thing over to memory and not react or respond to everyone and everything, we can begin to see we need something greater than ourselves, to turn all this stuff over to. We can begin to see that there has to be a God (or a Higher Power if you prefer). That God, or our HP, doesn't care what we call him or her. That the God of our understanding is there - always there and doesn't get caught up in the petty words we chose to call him or her - i.e. whether we call him God or our HP. He just is.

This is new to me, this turning things over to God or our Higher Power. I am realizing for the first time, that I have carried too much, for too many people, for too long. I couldn't possibly be and do everything for everyone else. I used to think everything was my responsibility to solve. Now, I admit, I did draw the line when it came to politics, world hunger, and foreign affairs. But in matters surrounding work and family, I was there, ready to carry the whole ball of wax.

Whether we go to church or not, God is there. He is always there for us and waiting to help, if we ask and we just allow ourselves to ask for help.

He may not answer our call exactly as we want it to be and may not answer it in the time frame we desire, but it will be answered in the way it is supposed to be.

After all, either it will . . . work out or, it will . . . work out.

A Sick Cycle of Dependency

Being dependent on others almost comes natural when we are in a state of confusion. We seek others opinions, beliefs, and advice. What others say, if we place them in a position of authority, becomes "The Word." Unfortunately, the advice and opinion of the other person, is really a form of "approval" that we seek. The "approval" we seek is not healthy for the relationship. It forms a relationship of "one up and one down" (someone higher or a "step above" us).

Doing Too Much To Cover Up Our Needs
Unfortunately, no one can really give you advice as a prescription to your situation. Because no one really knows you, and knows ALL your history, and you ENTIRE situation. But because of alcoholism or in fact, anything that may be creating a huge amount of anxiety, can place us in a state of confusion.

So, instead of quieting our minds, seeking guidance from our inner strengths, and just listening, we tend to do the opposite. We run around keeping ourselves busy. We do for others. We then do more for others. We then do even more. We avoid and bury our feelings and we don't confront the fact that we are "stuck" or "have to make a decision." It becomes a way to procrastinate and avoid unpleasant situations.

Our "doing" becomes extreme - after awhile. We get so caught up in doing that we exhaust ourselves. Our "doing" is a way of avoiding an unpleasant situation at first. We then make the doing a habit. This doing mistakenly becomes a way in which we seek approval and validation from others instead of from ourselves.

By doing for everyone else, we set ourselves up for failure. We are in such a state of turmoil, we begin to believe our self-worth is relative to the amount we do for others AND we seek their approbation (approval). When we don't receive their approbation, we do more AND / or we feel "unworthy" or we feel "insignificant."

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A Note About Children
I need to emphasize here that I am not saying, don't help our children. But I am also saying, don't not expect children to help out and do for themselves what they should be doing. When we do for our children what they should and could be doing and ought to be doing, we actually ROB them of their ability to GROW up to become fully functional adults.

We have 21-year-olds in this society of ours who EXPECT to be given things. And when they don't get, they sulk. We have 40-year-olds who are also the same way. Often, these are our alcoholic relatives of whom nothing has been expected, and therefore they return exactly that.
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Seeking Approval By Seeking Advice
We then go to others for outside advice - on how we could be better at what we are doing. And unfortunately, the people who we are doing for, the people we are running around for - are the same people we go to for advice!!

And because we have set ourselves up in a relationship where we are "not as important" as the other person, their advice really is a form of approval - a form of acceptance - a form of validation - that we feel we need to have.

Does that make sense what I have written? Stop and think here for just a second and reflect on this.

The same people who we are doing for, supporting and doing what they should be doing for themselves, we wind up wanting their approval and validation. When we don't get it, often we seek their advice. This advice may not come in the form of advice or at least good advice, it may come in the form of criticism. Some may call it "constructive criticism" in order to put a veil on it.

We start by asking them, "Tell me what I should be doing?" Or "How can I do this better?" Or "I want to help. Tell me what would make you happy?" And of course we never make them happy.

Just think about that for a while today. Isn't this sick?

Realize this fact. Advice is everywhere, most of it is free and not worth the price. When we don't get their "advice" or their "approval" we are creating a cycle of dependency. It is a sick cycle.

Start by Stopping
The best place to start - to help you and get you on the right track, is to stop doing for others, and start taking time out for yourself.

Stop seeking the approbation of others. You don't need it. You are already a worthwhile person. You ARE good. You ARE strong. YOU ARE GREAT.

Remember, you are great. It's only WHAT you may be DOING, that may not be so hot. In this case, when youare doing only because you are seeking the approval of others, this is not such a great idea. When you know you are OKAY (a good and worthwhile person), you will tend to see yourself and your actions differently.

Reflect on your actions. Start by asking yourself - "Is this something I should be doing? Or is this something others could and should be doing?" And ask yourself, "Am I doing this (or asking this questions or advice) in order to seek the approval and validation of my worth from this person?" The purpose of these questions is not to have you stop doing these things, it is to get you to understand why you are doing them, and then decide if this is something you want to take on.

Take Time Out By Doing Nothing (or the Opposite)
Sometimes, the best thing to do is - NOTHING. It is the opposite of what our lives have been for months and years. The idea of doing NOTHING is so foreign that it is impossible for some of us to grasp.

Doing nothing is not what you may think. Doing nothing doesn't necessarily mean going to the beach and sitting there and watching the waves come in. Although, it could!!!

To me it means, stopping what I am doing and doing something for ME.

• It may mean getting up at 4:30AM and reading spiritual books, leadership books, or something positive.
• It means to me, now, finding an Al-Anon meeting and sitting there, breathing deeply and listening. Al-Anon has become a source of quieting my mind.
• It means to me, going running in the middle of the day.
• It means to me, that when in a business meeting, I do not need to take over and lead the discussion. It may mean I sit in the meeting, taking notes, and reflecting and watching, and seeing that things turn out the way I would have it turn out anyway.
• It means to me, taking timeout to do something with my daughter, that I wouldn't do, because I am too busy to do that at that moment.
• To me, doing nothing, may mean meditating. Or taking a nap.

It could mean to you, the above or something else. But doing nothing - can be - doing just the opposite of what you "normally" would do, but most of all, doing nothing and doing the opposite is a "focus on yourself" and not someone else.

This post, started off on the topic of being dependent and seeking the advice of others. I am suggesting that we slow down, and start thinking about who we are and what we are doing. And ultimately stop doing so much for others and start doing for ourselves. And accept ourselves as worthy and worthwhile individuals.

Just For Today

Practice these guidelines daily. Learn them by reading them first thing in the morning and last things before going to bed at night. "Just For Today" is a great tool for all of us to live by. They cultivate character, the goodness within all of us. They are beautifully written and will fill you with hope and faith through inspiring us all to act with gentleness and kindness, no matter how we are being treated. Here they are in their original form.



Just for today I will try to live through this day only & not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is & not try to adjust everything else to my desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes & fit myself into it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study; I will learn something useful; I will not be a mental loafer; I will read something that requires effort, thought & concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn & not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don't want to do-just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything & not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry & indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself & relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.Just for today I will be unafraid. I will enjoy that which is beautiful & will believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Just For Today

I love "Just for Today." I try to read them first thing in the morning. They are beautiful. They inspired me Saturday to shut up at Al-Anon. I go to my home meeting on Saturdays to rant a little bit. I tell myself it's cathartic. I love that too. "Cathartic." It is my excuse to complain and criticize without being judged or advised. I use the word "cathartic" as my excuse to rant. What a cop-out. Is that still a term? "Cop-out."
What a loser I have become on some days. I am or was, a big person. Tall. Big. No one messed with me. I have a good job. A big title. No one messes with me here, because of my title. And my "official" sounding voice.

I am a big shot.

Yeah. Right. If they only knew.
I am - for all intents and purposes - a whimp.

A disease has pushed me to seeing I am not in control, I am no longer at the helm, that the ship I am on, is going over the side of the earth - into a weird sort of abyss. What the hell am I doing?
I have missed more conference calls, missed a meeting with my boss (Yep, I have one of them, so I can't be too far up the foodchain), and I have forgotten the silliest of things that I would normally remember.

"Keep on coming back." That's what they kept yelling to me, every time I whined I at Al-Anon.

I thought, "What a bunch of nice, good-hearted, morons." And I am the biggest moron of all. How come we all feel like we are out of control? What are they saying?

God Bless them. They are smart people.

Just for Today.

I decided, TODAY damn it, will be different. I am in control of the only thing I can ever be in control of. And that is MY MIND and What I THINK ABOUT. And it is going to start Right Now!

So I promise, Just for Today, I will: Be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

I read that quote in three different places the day before and I wasn't looking for the quote. Are you trying to tell me something, God? Okay. Today, I will listen.

And because I am an over-achiever (someone who tries to make up for their insecurity by trying to out-do everyone else) I will do another Just for Today to show I am serious.

Just for Today I will: Be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything & not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

I took these two Just for Today's and I applied them. No more excuses. No more catharsis crap. And they helped. Thank God. I have a little bit of peace.

Just for Now On - Just for Today.

Just for Today.