Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Just For Today

I love "Just for Today." I try to read them first thing in the morning. They are beautiful. They inspired me Saturday to shut up at Al-Anon. I go to my home meeting on Saturdays to rant a little bit. I tell myself it's cathartic. I love that too. "Cathartic." It is my excuse to complain and criticize without being judged or advised. I use the word "cathartic" as my excuse to rant. What a cop-out. Is that still a term? "Cop-out."
What a loser I have become on some days. I am or was, a big person. Tall. Big. No one messed with me. I have a good job. A big title. No one messes with me here, because of my title. And my "official" sounding voice.

I am a big shot.

Yeah. Right. If they only knew.
I am - for all intents and purposes - a whimp.

A disease has pushed me to seeing I am not in control, I am no longer at the helm, that the ship I am on, is going over the side of the earth - into a weird sort of abyss. What the hell am I doing?
I have missed more conference calls, missed a meeting with my boss (Yep, I have one of them, so I can't be too far up the foodchain), and I have forgotten the silliest of things that I would normally remember.

"Keep on coming back." That's what they kept yelling to me, every time I whined I at Al-Anon.

I thought, "What a bunch of nice, good-hearted, morons." And I am the biggest moron of all. How come we all feel like we are out of control? What are they saying?

God Bless them. They are smart people.

Just for Today.

I decided, TODAY damn it, will be different. I am in control of the only thing I can ever be in control of. And that is MY MIND and What I THINK ABOUT. And it is going to start Right Now!

So I promise, Just for Today, I will: Be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

I read that quote in three different places the day before and I wasn't looking for the quote. Are you trying to tell me something, God? Okay. Today, I will listen.

And because I am an over-achiever (someone who tries to make up for their insecurity by trying to out-do everyone else) I will do another Just for Today to show I am serious.

Just for Today I will: Be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything & not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

I took these two Just for Today's and I applied them. No more excuses. No more catharsis crap. And they helped. Thank God. I have a little bit of peace.

Just for Now On - Just for Today.

Just for Today.


Anonymous said...

About meetings

You said that it was hard to find a good meeting in your town. Here's a suggestion - listen to the people in your meeting and find someone who seems to have something you want. Ask them what meetings they would recommend and then make a way to attend those. I'll frequently drive 45 minutes to a meeting that I know I'll take something away from.

Jen said...

I really, really needed this today and want to thank you for the reminder. I just had a few of those "good days" - the ones that make you think maybe everything is getting better - and then on to one of the worst mornings. Today, everything was my fault. And, when finally alone in the house, I just lost it. So I'm going to take your advice and work through this.