Sunday, December 16, 2007

Alcoholic Spouse; Disengage - What Happened?

OK. I kind of left last week with my spouse blowing 2times the legal amount into a breathalyzer. (See this Post For More Details).

It was an eye opening for her, and me too. I finally felt relieved that it was "official" that I was not making up the fact that she has a drinking problem.

So, where are we?

I have a strange sense of peace - KNOWING and being sure of what I knew. But some where along the line, I felt a "doubt" - probably for the fact that I want to believe that my spouse and my mate would never deceive me, never lie to me. The fact that I WANT to trust and believe and rely on someone to help ME sometimes and be there for me when times are tough.

This may not make sense for some. I am not a weak man. I am pretty independent. But maybe in my "independence" and "self-reliance" - I have used these as tools to cover-up and remove the potential of being hurt.

So, what I have done is to accept the PEACE I have in finally KNOWING and remove all doubt. I say "all doubt," because I have allowed this doubt to spread it's little fingers into my work life. I have suddenly found myself proving things, like when I was late to an appointment in meeting my colleagues. While I did not "over explain" (at least I don't think I did) I did feel a compulsion to come back a show people why I was late. I think I will explain this later in a post. Because I actually carried the item in my car for a week to show people why I late. This is specifically due to co-dependence and affects of being married to an addict.

Well, back to the farm. I am learning to disengage. I am not doing this so well all the time. I do well 5 days and then "Bam!" I engage.

Sometimes I leap - and I do mean leap - at the chance to engage. As I write this, I ask myself why do I "leap?"

  • It's not because I want to be ugly.

I now know:

  • I think I am smart and I am clever. Except, damn it, she smarter and even more clever. And, . . .

  • She knows what buttons to push. I must have a lot of buttons.

In the end, after engaging and saying my "piece" to try to "fix" her, nothing is accomplished and I am hurt even further. Not so clever - am I?

I think what I am looking for is this; I want a reaction from my wife. But I want a reaction of; "I am sorry" or "I understand the pain you are going through - and I appreciate your being there for me."

I may as well ask my dog to recite the Gettysburg Address as to get an "I appreciate you."

Any way, I am going with loving detachment. I am going with a scene from Blazing Saddles and with the same impression; "Appreciation? I don't need no stinking appreciation!"

2 comments: said...

I read your post, and I'm your exact shoes (except its my boyfriend with the problem). I don't know how long ago this post was, because I came to this site about 5 minutes ago. I am so angry and upset and confused at him, for denying he has a problem, telling me he'll stop drinking so much, and then hiding it. I've realized I've done everything wrong in trying to help him. And I realize at this point I need to disengage...but how? At this point we aren't even talking...and I don't know what to say to him. I can't even look at him.

Anonymous said...

This is my new path , I have to learn the step to let him have his life back because I can not fix it.I have spent 27 yeares being tied to a man who looks like a normal person to every one else. Of course I have allowed the abuse to continue. Why should it stop ,I can only see the truth now .I want my life back.