A Sign?

In my hometown, I was jogging and I came across this sign. I stopped in mid tracks, startled. And then I looked up laughing and said, "I got it. Okay, I got it!"

This was the day after I was affirming the same words in a notebook, in a three day management meeting. The VERY same words.

I just had to take this picture . . .

(The labels for this are interesting)

Self Acceptance

Al-Anon; Self-Acceptance; Judging

In Al-Anon meetings, I rarely hear of anyone speaking on Self-Acceptance. I thought I would write this post about it and see if it makes sense and will help you. When I first read about self-acceptance and these words, I thought, "Wow. Very interesting . . . . Now I can put it to the test.

I believe judging yourself does not do you or anyone else any good. It only hurts and worse, it can wind up destroying yourself from the inside out.

One way to test - to see if you are judging yourself - is this;

Notice how you feel when you're in a group of people. Do you feel fragmented or do you feel complete?

By complete, I mean, do you feel whole? Of complete value? Or do you feel a little "less than?"

I am not saying that you should not act differently when you are at work, versus when you are with family or friends. We all have "roles" we have to play. I believe this is normal and frankly it would be hard to be the same way you are work as you are at home or with friends.

These are just roles. And we are not our roles.

Be aware of your behavior and how you feel in different situations.

Our Higher Power works through us and can make us feel complete and whole - because - I believe we are. And I believe we can be at peace and have serenity anytime and anyplace.

Well, What The Heck Happened?

Well, some of you may have checked in and saw that I didn't post anything since Friday. Here's why . . .

I filed for the big D about a month and a half ago. I took a boundary, learned this boundary thing, and realized I was allowing boundaries to be crossed that I could no longer allow to be crossed. I learned this boundary thing at Al-Anon.

My boundary was . . .

I had to protect our daughter. She was incurring behaviors a child of 10 should not be allowed to have happen to her. We were both like boiling frogs. I know, I know. I refer to this boiling frog analogy over and over.

Since going to Al-Anon my thinking has become more clear. My thinking was distorted before Al-Anon. I was allowing me to become something less than me. I was sick. More importantly, and the ONLY reason why I filed, was my - our - daughter is being affected. Affected in health, mental well-being, sleep, school, friends and on and on. You know what I am talking about, if you have children or if you have lived as a child in such an environment.

She is the most beautiful person in the world and I owe it to her to have as much as a normal life as possible. This was the hardest decision I have had to make. For I am giving up a lot to do this, including two of the best in-laws one could possibly ask for.

I am not advocating the big D, by the way. The big D brings up a whole new set of problems and issues, especially in dealing with someone who is not mentally all there. Also, I believe in marriage. I love my wife. I feel compassion for her, although it is hard with the deceit, the foul language and the selfishness. I do feel sorry for her. But the boat is sinking. And there is a little child to focus on and get her off the boat.

I hope this wakes up my wife and hope that she sees how this behavior and such a terrible terrible disease is affecting her, her health, her mom's and dad's health, our daughter's health and forget about me - just the people who are around her. This action may bring the bottom up to her, so to speak. But I cannot be concerned with that right now, except I hope it does and she gets well.

I will continue with the blog of course. As I cannot leave Al-Anon, because I have found it very cathartic and the people there - warm and compassionate. I have found Al-Anon a way to live and a way to bounce ideas off people who can help because they have been where I have been. Also, I feel strongly about alcohol now. I don't ever, ever want to touch the crap again ever. I have seen the damage it has done. We all have.

Last . . . and here is where I am asking for help . . .

I am being deposed today - at 4PM eastern. I do not ask for much, but if you can pray for the protection of my daughter and your kindness to me for the opposing counsel will be out gunning for bear. The deposition will go from 4 to 6:30.

And pray for the judge at my preliminary hearing tomorrow morning. That starts (or should start around 9AM eastern). Pray that the judge has the wisdom to understand how the alcoholic will lie and cover up and be deceitful, just to be right. Pray that it will all work out in the end.

I may not be able to blog today or tomorrow. But stay tuned. And please post your comments and prayers and wisdom below. I need the help and support of you all!

Thanks!

your friend Joe

Control

Through Al-Anon we have learned that we cannot control it, did not cause it, nor can we cure it. The "it" of course is alcoholism. It is a "cunning, baffling and powerful disease." This is from psychologists and therapists who have actual experience in dealing with it.

So today I want to talk about "control."

Control. We need it in order for our lives to function. We need order. There is order in the universe. Nature is order. You have the four seasons. Day follows night. Time ticks away, one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year - always. This is "order."

So when we have chaos, our natural tendency is to bring it back to order. We have to "fix" it. Whatever "it" is. With alcoholism fixing does not work. It makes more chaos. This is why it is a "baffling" disease. Fixing it through control from us - actually brings more disorder. It brings dysfunction to our lives and the lives of our children.

I read this in a passage somewhere, and thought "Wow. This is Zen-like." It really fits our predicament. It is thought proking and powerful. I have used this to remind myself of how I need to adject. Please ponder this for a moment:

"Whenever we try to control, we are actually being controlled."

We may be controlled by the chaos. Or the person who is causing the chaos. And we respond or are "controlled" by fixing it. This is okay in some cases. But with children, if we do this all the time, we provide the child a sense of "helplessness." We may be programming their minds that maybe they cannot do it themselves. And later in life, they may not function in society very well.

The same is true with the alcoholic. Except the alcoholic may "allow" us to do some things for him or her. Then we fall into co-dependence.

As we try to fix or control the alcoholic, and it does not work, we try harder. When we try harder and it still does not work, we can become angry and frustrated. This frustration maybe taken out on the wrong people. These people are people at work, our children, our neighbors, people in the car next to us, people in the grocery line - you get the picture. In addition, we beat ourselves up. We turn our anger inward.

After awhile we can begin to feel powerless. And perhaps this leads us to look for things outside ourselves to fill our void. Perhaps, we do nothing. We may slip into depression, isolation, or we, ourselves, get this "learned helplessness."

When we focus on controlling things outside our orbit (stand-up, hold your arms out - and spin once - that's your orbit), we actually lose power. We are trying to control things we cannot control. We cannot change things outside our orbit.

My message for today: Focus on controlling the things we can control. As in the serenity prayer,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes A Book And a Gift or Searching for An Answer

I have learned that a gift is gift to the giver as well as to the receiver. In fact, the giver may get more out of the giving than the person actually receiving the gift. How often have I heard, "Don't you just love it?" or "Isn't it the nicest (cutest) thing?" coming out of the giver's mouths? More times than I can count.

But a book . . .

Giving a book can be a big thing for some people - in fact I think it can be a big thing for most - not just some. In my "controlling" days - I would read a book, get very excited about it, tell a lot of people about what I learned.

Then later in life, when I could afford it, I would buy books for people. I look back now to see that I was trying to "fix" these other people. "I read this book you see, and this has you written all over it," was the subtext of my message in giving the book.

The other subtext, although subtext may be the wrong word, "shouting silently" may be more accurate, was, "You need help. Read this. This will fix you." What was not stated was, "According to my reality." I no longer give books as "gifts."

But a book . . .

But a book may be a gift from your Higher Power. You may do a, "Say 'What'?" here. Stay with me. Sometimes gifts come from strangers and people who don't really know us. We are taken aback perhaps or maybe we are genuinely grateful. But a book, instead of looking at you are trying to fix me, may be instead, "Hey read this you lune, you may catch an idea that could turn your life around. Or this day around. Or this upcoming meeting. Or keep you from saying something stupid this morning, that may in fact have reverberations across the rest of your life."

This is the approach I have been taking - especially lately. When someone suggests a book, I scramble to read it - just in case. I am in a desperate search of the "answer" to get my life back in order. I am in a desperate search for my HP's will and any sign that he may be out there trying to speak to me.

Last Night
I received a gift last night right before the Family Night Rehab program. It was in the form of a book. Funny how the world works. I wanted to buy this book. But I have too many to read right now so I haven't bought it. So now I have this very same book - I have been really thinking about buying - but haven't - from this great lady who has a son who completed rehab and is on the road to recovery. Interesting isn't it? How I have been thinking about the book. Didn't buy it. And now she hands me this book, called "Transforming Our Losses" - that I have been thinking of? (By the way, it is an Al-Anon book and I believe the latest of the books from Al-Anon)

So I got up and ran downstairs a 4:45AM this morning. And out of the book these words struck me this morning;
"After admitting our powerlessness in Step One, we are becoming ready to let a Higher Power intervene on our behalf. In taking Step Two, we come to believe a Power greater than ourselves can restore our sanity. These Steps offer hope even in the midst of despair.

Whatever our definition of a Higher Power may be, the one thing most of us have in common is our desire for a more serene life."

Yes. This is what I want. I have been searching for it - forever. Serenity. It's not something I would tell a lot of people. It's not something I would say in a job interview, that's for sure. But it is true. I also call it - "Peace of Mind."

Crisis
Here is a quote from the next paragraph;
"When faced with the next crisis, we may feel uncertain about our decision to respond differently. If we focus on taking care of ourselves, who will take care of everything else? We can remind ourselves that in practicing the new behavior, we may feel tentative at first; but the more we practice, the easier it becomes. Eventually we realize that weren't really in control of anyone else to begin with."

I would add "or anything else" to the last sentence. Maybe by giving up control, we gain serenity.

I am in crisis. I feel I have no one who can help me.

I have lots of people who are offering me an ear, but not a single soul coming to help me. I counted my new friends and old friends, who are now in a position to listen to me and give me their ear. The number of people, family, in-laws, old friends, sponsor, therapist/mentor/coach/Sherpa/sapient, therapist at Family Night, etc. brings the count well over 12 people.

May be too many people. I wonder.

But not one can give me the answer to my dilemma. I know they can't. Intellectually I know, "how can they?

Some tell me to pray. So, I continue to pray. I think my prayers sound like I am begging.

Some say - "You know what to do. In your heart, you already know." I have seen and heard this quote in some strange places in the last couple of weeks.

Family Night - Am I a "Downer" to the Group?
One last thought. I wonder if I am a "downer" for Family Night. I spoke of my dilemma and about my wife's behavior and how my daughter and wife are engaging in arguments when I am not a home. I think this is because I stopped engaging. This is the dilemma. I can deal with anything, but this is what I have to end. It's gone too far.

So I spoke of this to the group. The therapist, a good person - he cannot help me I sense. There are newbies in the meeting now. Another rotation of patients. My wife is out. No longer there. The therapist also looks annoyed. Is it my imagination? Speak therapist.

My wife is out of town. My daughter yesterday - serene. Am I imagining this?

A Positive Video

A positive video. Not exactly AA or Al-Anon related, but inspirational, never-the-less [what is "never-the-less?" . . . ooops sorry, I drifted]

I borrowed this from our friend Ashley - with permission of course. I saw it on her blog. I thought there were a lot of positive messages in this video.

I thought it would provide a bit of value and entertainment, on the positive side of things, and perhaps how some one - an individual - can decide how he or she will act.

This is from Oprah's show; Randy Pausch his Last Lecture

http://video.stumbleupon.com/?s=ithct48cqw&i=ufcchmyxqsuj9vwsemax

This is the First of Several Posts I will provide today.

Click on "Ashley" and you will go to her site. Ashley's blog is "Back from Chaos."

Traveling

I am traveling this week. I am worried my spouse will relapse. I am worried she will inadvertantly assume she has full command of her capacities, and take the car and my daughter for a spin. Especially since I am out of town this week.

I ask God how did I get here? every, single, God-damned, day. [Sounds like anger. It's just a quote from Patton - the movie, when a reporter asked Patton if Patton read the bible that was sitting next to his bunk. That quote was his reply. I thought it was humorous. ]

Then I think about what I can control. And what I cannot. I think about what will she do if she reads this Blog? Feel the pain of ourside of the chaos and distrustion? Or will she just use that as an excuse to be righteous?

Those thoughts are things I cannot control. I just wish for sanity and happiness. I wish for her to be more empathetic. And I wish she was not self-absorbed and not deceitful.

Those are false hopes. They're mine and no one elses. Except our daughter's too. She feels the pain. She is sensing that she is not protected and she worries.

I try to address my daughter's pain of worry by saying "That's not your problem. That problem is mom's and she is trying to get better." The problem with that statement is my wife is not operating on full speed. I can see it and hear it. It will take at least 12 months and maybe years for her to get well. In the meantime, she is making poor judgments and decisions. And she saying and doing things that are a little bizzare. I won't go into it, for it would sound demeaning. But I fear for our daughter, as a role model, mothers are a big influence.

But again that's hers and this is mine. The only thing and this is complicated, is when you have children. We can say, "Let go and let God," and "Control what you can control" but only for a second. With children, you cannot exactly ever "let go."

I am grateful today for;
1. Having two of the greatest in-laws a person could ever have. They have dignity and integrity. It makes me sad when I write this. I told my counselor this too.
2. I have a beautiful daughter. Absolutely beautiful. I could not have asked God to provide a more beautiful person to come into the world.
3. I am learning Al-Anon tools that I wish everyone could learn.
4. I am grateful about getting friends and neighbors to help me/us in this time of need.

I need to find an Al-Anon meeting while I am here. Except I cannot slip out of these business meetings. I am sorta in the midst of a major melt down of this division of the company.

The Courage to Change the Things I Can

At Starbucks somewhere USA. 5:16PM ET Waiting for a men's Al-Anon Meeting on another side of town.
I Feel Different - Will It Last?
Last night, I went to bed early . . . I did not watch the crud on TV this time. Watching the crud on TV is always a bad way to go off to sleep.

Before I put my head down on the pillow, I prayed to God, to help me, by guiding me. I asked that he give me back the courage I once had. I asked God (or my Higher Power) to give me strength to make the right decisions for my daughter and me. I asked HP this before. But last night was different.

I decided I can no longer continue to wait and put my life on hold. I want the happy person back that I once was. I feel like that Talking Heads song . . . "And you may ask yourself - well...how did I get here?"

Well ...How Did I Get Here?
I am no longer going to be made to feel guilty. I am co-dependent. Crap. It pisses me off. I am being controlled, by someone who has long ago decided to leave me, mentally and spiritually. How could I let that happen to me? I already crawled out of dirt 20 years ago. I refuse to be pushed back in to the dirt.

I have decided I am no longer going to remain dead inside.

No more. No longer.

Note to Self: Follow through

Codependence - The Serenity Prayer (the entire prayer)

I am posting the serenity prayer, in it's entirety for all of us to read, repeat aloud, and give us ALL the solice and comfort we need during these holidays.

The past few nights I have awoken at 2:30 AM and sat repeating several prayers.

I hope this holiday brings all readers joy and peace.


The Serenity Prayer
God grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with
Him forever in the next.

Amen.

The second verse may not be familiar to all. I certainly have not seen or heard it before.

The following comments come from a church in the UK about this prayer.

Pointers for Prayer : The ability to accept things that we may not like, courage and wisdom are three qualities that build our character. Pray for these three qualities, that God would grow them within you, and pray specifically about any particular situations where you need the wisdom to seek whether you should accept or change your approach to it.The serenity prayer expresses the truth that life can be a struggle, and seeks God's help with this, one day at a time.