Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Courage to Change the Things I Can

At Starbucks somewhere USA. 5:16PM ET Waiting for a men's Al-Anon Meeting on another side of town.
I Feel Different - Will It Last?
Last night, I went to bed early . . . I did not watch the crud on TV this time. Watching the crud on TV is always a bad way to go off to sleep.

Before I put my head down on the pillow, I prayed to God, to help me, by guiding me. I asked that he give me back the courage I once had. I asked God (or my Higher Power) to give me strength to make the right decisions for my daughter and me. I asked HP this before. But last night was different.

I decided I can no longer continue to wait and put my life on hold. I want the happy person back that I once was. I feel like that Talking Heads song . . . "And you may ask yourself - well...how did I get here?"

Well ...How Did I Get Here?
I am no longer going to be made to feel guilty. I am co-dependent. Crap. It pisses me off. I am being controlled, by someone who has long ago decided to leave me, mentally and spiritually. How could I let that happen to me? I already crawled out of dirt 20 years ago. I refuse to be pushed back in to the dirt.

I have decided I am no longer going to remain dead inside.

No more. No longer.

Note to Self: Follow through

15 comments:

Laurie said...

Good for you Joe! As you said, or Dr. Anthony sad, we have to think positively to act positively! Reminds me of something I read "sometimes you go along just to get along and end up somewhere you never intended to be with no way out". That has been stuck in my head and until I started reading the comments left here I thought there was no way out of the sad situation I call my life. Joe, you gave me hope this day. Thanks...now follow through and live your life!

Anonymous said...

Joe,

There IS daylight at the end of that tunnel.

Walk on faith my friend!

kevinb

kim said...

I admire your courage and strength and wish I was stronger. My husband is on his way (by bike)to purchase alcohol. I am now fairly certain the calm of the last two days is over. I am sitting here fretting, although I know it does no good. I feel like I spend a good deal of time worrying...will we have to live through hours of a raging lunatic? Will my kids be able to complete their homework before the ugliness starts?

Thanks for being here. I will strive to be more positive like the rest of you.

Anonymous said...

Kim,

I soooo know the feeling.....

Take a deep breath, and go about the things you need to accomplish, and that of kids. His behavior and decisions exclude him from the power you have over yourself, and your kids.

Peace to you this Tuesday night.

kevinb

Laurie said...

Oh Kim, I know what you are feeling. I keep asking myself, why do I worry? What good does it do? Still, I worry. And for me, that calm can be so wonderful and I think life is good, then it all changes. I guess I'm still working on accepting the things I cannot change...Blessings to all tonight!

kim said...

Thanks, guys. I will be taking quite a few deep breaths tonight. It helps to know that others understand:).

Marie said...

Hi All,
Joe I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I am always thinking well once he quites drinking...... complete the sentence. When in reality I am wasting my life waiting for someone else. Why? Why? do I feel afraid?? I take care of everything by myself already what is the worst thing that could happen?? Im basically alone anyway I do not have a partner. I have a thrid child basically and actually my children act much better than my husband. I guess the fear is the unknown I'm not sure. I wish you all well tonight!!

Joe said...

We all understand. Believe me. Isn't it strange that we are of opposite sex, but we still are facing the same problem - almost identically?

Except my wife can't ride a bike.

Joe

PS - I tried to use m old humor. Albeit corney.

Marie said...

Joe
I find your comment about how your not going to feel dead inside anymore interesting because when my husband is drinking I feel dead inside toward him. I am a very compassionate person toward everything except him. When he;s on a binge I dont care if he lives or dies(I am just being honest) and I am saddened by these feelings but I guess thats how I detach? I'm not sure but I have never felt that way about another living creature

Debby said...

I love your blog and I read it daily. I left my alcoholic husband in December after almost 12 years of fighting it and him. I could no longer take handle the sick stomach I would get driving home from work praying that he wouldn't be drunk. I lost myself and it has been a very painful two months. He has shown up at my apartment at 3:00 AM drunk, calls my cell phone several times a week in the middle of the night drunk.

I love him so much. For once I had to put myself first in my life and leave. I know where you are and I know that pain that you feel.

As soon as my husband would open a beer my heart would just sink. I spent years of my life worrying whether he was going to get drunk "tonight".

I will continue to pray for you and your family. T

nanceelee said...

Years go by in the blink of an eye. We change without knowing it, or why. You are still there, the kid that got himself on track the first time.

I will think of what you are going through when I close my day...wishing you peace and strength.

kim said...

Thanks to all of you. It was an unpleasant evening, but not as bad as some. Today's a new day.

Joe, I appreciated your humor. We all need it.

I hope everyone has a good day,
Kim

Joe said...

Thank you for the encouragement. I love that word. En - meaning "to give." Give courage. We all need it. The next few weeks I will need it.

Thank you. We are all in this and somehow we have to stop being prisoners.

Joe

Anonymous said...

Marie - I know how you feel about him just dying. It would solve the problem of guilt and dread over leaving the alcoholic. The bastard creates so much tension, and acts so self-righteous and is so full of their selves and is SO VERY self-centered.

I feel the same way. If you are going to kill yourself by drinking, go ahead and do it then. But don't take another person or us out with you. AND don't drink and drive and pretend you're ok. You are endangering other people's lives. Just go out back and drink and go bury yourself in Joe's preverbial dirt.

Do I sound angry? You bet I am.

I hope I did not offend anyone.

Marie said...

Thanks for syaing that because I was also hoping not to offend anyone by my comment. I am so happy I found this blog!!!