Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Family Meeting

9:44 ET. After the The Family Meeting. The family meeting is for relative of the rehab patients. It is always interesting and provides something useful that I can figure into my daily life.

At the beginning of the meeting, when you sit down, a piece of paper is passed around - as a check-in sheet. There is a little box where you state your feelings. I put in there "On hold." When we began, I said, "If the box was bigger, I would also write "alone." He began writing and I asked him, "Did you write it." He said, "Yes. I fit in it." We laughed.

Tonight was a repeat of several Wednesday nights. The counselor wants me to say "I am angry."

He says, "So, you are angry?"
I say, "No. Not really. I am past that."
He goes, "So, you are pissed off?"
"No." I say.
"Outraged?!" He asks.
"No. I can't put my finger on the feeling." I say.

He has done this to me before. What is he trying to tell me? Am I going to blow? Am I in denial? Sure I am pissed off sometimes. But "pissed off" - like I wrote yesterday?

One of the women in the meeting volunteered "Fed up."

I think it is "fed up." I did agree to "fed up" just to get the show on the road, because I did not want to seem like I was playing a game with the counselor. I respect him. He is a good person. His seat is reserved in heaven. He is very good at what he does. I respect someone who is good at their craft. He has great questioning skills and turns the issue back into some objective point that the person can use, rather than just dumping a truck load of emotion on the floor. He basically says, "Now what are you going to do about it?" (or " . . . not do about it?").

Is it "fed up?" Maybe. Maybe I'm just not going to take it anymore.

I just want a clear picture of what the future will be. I am tired of my life being "On hold." Screw that. I want my life back. Why am I in the conundrum? It's like being a prisoner.

Worse, my child is affected by her mother who is MIA and does not have the nurturing skills most mothers have. I am both mother and father. And I have this person living in this house who is just in the way. She acts like she is helping to put on a good show. But that's deceitful. But that's how she is. If I think about her deceit - it does piss me off. I am angry when she tried to manipulate and decieve. She is uncaring. She just wants to be perceived by others that she is good and likable.

OK. When I talk about her, and the deceit, I am pissed off. I avoid talking about the elephant in the room. Maybe that's what the counselor meant. But why talk about her. Let's talk about something else.

So how's the weather? Or have you heard this one?

"The weather is here, wish you were fine." The story of my life. Good night.


Anonymous said...

Joe, it sounds like you are taking steps in the healing process. You are making progress from a week ago, or a day ago. NICE JOB! These might not be comfortable feelings, but I think they are healthy "be true to yourself" feelings. A.J.

Joe said...

Thank you A.J. I feel like the proverbial duck on the water, maybe calm on the surface, but paddling like crazy to stay afloat. This has been a good week.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for these two sentences:

I just want a clear picture of what the future will be. I am tired of my life being "On hold."

I've been with my boyfriend for five years, waiting to "figure things out" and decide if we are marriage material, if I could see having children with him. I think I do have a clear picture of what the future would be if we went down that road, and it's not pretty.

I realize that alcohol puts life on hold in a weird way. Funny that it is literally a preservative, i.e. you can submerge something in it to prevent spoilage. But nothing's gonna grow in it, that's for sure.