Today I Am Pissed

Yesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.

On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.

My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.

The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.

A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the friggin' contributing to the hell.

Except - I still get hooked.

My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....

So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.

The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.

She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.

The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.

I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.

I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.

It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."

Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.

I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.

PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.

PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.

So Real Quick, Here's Where I Am

OKAY. I have so been so busy with work, I have not been able to go to any Al-Anon meetings, until this week and last weekend.

I am - well - I am not sure. My wife has been stirred up by her lawyer to go to court and not mediate. I want this to end.

We are fighting about house price, splitting of money, and wait 'til you hear this; who has to pay for the dog's baths and haircuts! Yep. Apparently the $80 a month haircuts I was screaming about when I was living in the house are now an issue for my soon-to-be ex-spouse. I used to say that our dog doesn't need an $80 haircut every month. But my wife, in her disease liked to spend the money.

My haircut, for the record is $16. Somehow I feel gypped (robbed, second class). And I would stretch that haircut to 5 weeks if I could brush the hair back around my ears.

I have in the past 5 months decided a haircut every 3 weeks is what I need.

Haircuts. What?!
Yep. Haircuts. Listen to what I was doing. I certainly had/have enough money for them. But I would not treat myself well. Interesting. Even as I write this, a haircut every 3 weeks sounds like pampering.

Speaking of pampering . . .
I met someone who asked me if I ever had a facial. "A what?!" was my reply. I found out through my scientific investigation that a lot of men get facials. And, get this, massages.

Yep. Never have. Maybe I should consider this. It's hard to allow other people to touch me. It feels. sounds, well, awkward.

Back to the meetings this week . . .
I am resentful. I want - well - peace. I saw this in my mind sitting there in the meetings yesterday and day before. My thinking is, without the meetings; "My wife is selfish and that is the disease. I cannot get untangled from this crazy person. She is pissed at times accusing me of abandoning her. Maybe I have. Maybe I freed myself from her so I could get well. I started off with the intention of protecting my/our child."

In the meetings, I see that I wound up seeing more clearly how I am the person I wound up protecting or saving. I am clearly better than I was living in the crazy zone.

I am - this is going to sound weird - more in touch with my feelings. This too comes from the meetings and sitting there, feeling myself and allowing the feelings come through and not cover them up. I know I am afraid of shit now. And that my anger or sharpness is based on fear. Fear seems to be at the root of my bad reactions and negative thoughts.

Don't get me wrong. I am a pretty happy person. I am positive - most of the time. But until this stuff is settled, I feel like I have an iron ball and chain around my leg.

Hmmmmm . . . .
"What if, this is meant to teach me something?" I now think this about question more often when something happens. "What if God, my Higher Power, has a plan for me. One I cannot see yet?" is the other question I get in my brain because of meetings.

That is what Al-Anon reminded me of this week. That I cannot see the plan - yet. Be patient. It all works out. Remember?

Last Night - at 3AM
Last night, no that's not true, this morning, I awoke. Yep, 3AM again. I asked God for help again. Guide me through this I asked. Help my wife and heal her anger. Heal her disease. Make her a happy person.

This thought stayed with me longer than I care to admit.

I am back to praying she is well. And, she finds a boy-friend. Yep. Maybe that would help her take her attention away from shoot arrows at me. The boy-friend thing is better than thinking of her being dead. You have to at least give me that.

Well, this morning I am praying for her to get well.

There was a reading yesterday in Al-Anon, about thinking. Someone shared "My best thinking got me into this mess. Now I don't go into that bad neighborhood alone anymore. I call my sponsor." I heard the " best thinking" thing before as well as the "neighborhood" thing. At least we are consistent at Al-Anon. Maybe not fresh in the new-idea department, but consistent.

Peace this day to you.

And this is where I am today.

St Patrick's Day

Today is St Patrick's Day. In days gone by, this would have been a day of celebration. It would include seeing if we could get to a parade in some town and drinking beer.

Today, however, it strikes a little fear in my heart. I am not sure what to make of this St Patty's Day any more. I have come to fear alcohol and it's addiction. I have seen it hurt people very close to me. As I go to Al-Anon, I see husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, still struggling to become people and determine what is right and what is wrong in life that they couldn't get when they were growing up.

I have stopped drinking. I stopped almost a year ago. For in one of the Al-Anon pieces of literature it states that Al-Anon has no opinion on whether the person attending Al-Anon drinks or not.

But does state, "'But for the Grace of God,' we could be alcoholics, too."

I share this sentiment. I was a Family Night Rehab program one evening when this one woman said, "My father was an alcoholic. I ran away from home. Then I married an alcoholic. I divorced him. Then I became an alcoholic and then I found myself here."

The Emotional Rollercoaster

So, you all saw yesterday's posts. A real nightmare of resentment and bitterness. I disdain those words, frankly, because I used to be in control of my emotions, now I feel like a ping pong ball.

Last night I got some peace after I went for a run and posted my last post.

I woke up this morning at 5:30AM, a little late, and after a small cup of coffee decided to go to the coffee house down the road to get out and study my Leadership books that I bought from Amazon.com. One is really interesting, it is called "Leader on the Couch." Written by a famous professor at Instead in France. Short story here, is that it talks about leaders and their internal thoughts and where they come from, and the behaviors of leaders in business and how the behaviors today are a product of the past, how people interpret the events around them and how their dominant emotions and belief affect their actions and communication styles.

All of this said, it is almost directly related to the Al-Anon literature to some degree. Except the book and this scholar is not dealing with alcoholism. Which is, an unpredictable variable, thrown in the mix of some predictability, creating havoc. Then, with our frustration, mine very evident yesterday, causing more havoc and leading to chaos.

So, things are in normal mode. Reading. Drinking coffee. It's 7:30AM. Then the phone call from my daughter. "Mommy is being mean." OK, under almost every single circumstance, I used to brush this off as a child's pitting mom vs dad thing. I used to get these calls before. But now I am much more, "vigilant" or "observing." So, I ask my wife what is happening. Wife says, "She is being sassy." I say, "What has she done?" Spouse says, "She won't turn off the TV." I say, "Why is she watching TV?" We made a rule, no TV before school. Wife was sitting daughter down in front of the TV every morning as a baby sitter. I stopped that because I noticed daughter became more lethargic/tired. This was BEFORE I knew there was a problem with alcohol abuse.

So, I asked, "What else?" Spouse says, "I took away her computer privileges, and cell phone (I bought daughter a cell phone, because sometimes mommy would not answer hers or wife would forget to pick daughter up from school - I was really against buying daughter a cell phone but had to due to circumstances). Wife continued, "Because she said to me, 'I am afraid that you will be drunk when you pick me up from school this afternoon.'"

I said to wife, "You can't take phone and computer away because of a fear or concern she has." With that the conversation ended by wife handing the phone to daughter. Daughter says, "Daddy please come home."

I go home. I try to reason with wife. I take daughter to school. Daughter says, "When are you and mommy getting a divorce? And get this over with?" I am sitting there in car pool line, not knowing what to say to a 10 year old.

I come back try to reason with wife. She is a 17 year old in an adult body. I say this to her. I shouldn't have. Wife corrects me, "I am about 20 now." Am I hearing this crazy conversation? We say a few more things. I was trying to be compassionate when I said, "I do feel sorry for you. You didn't ask for this. But we have to try to figure out how not to get our daughter in the middle." This is crazy for me to talk this way to my wife. I expect another adult to be there. I am missing a key ingredient in the family. I realize we are all sick. No adult wife. I have a young girl's brain in an adult body. And an adult trying to break out and trying to be an adult, but doesn't know what that looks like or how to behave like one.

I call my sponsor. We talk for an hour. He tells me a lot. My sponsor is a very wise man. He tells me just enough so I don't confuse myself. He says, "Step one. List out all the things you are powerless over that is impacting you. All of them. Then on the flip side of the paper, list out how they are making your life unmanageable. Don't think or write in terms of solutions. Just do this."

His listening to me has a calming affect on me. I think he needed my phone call too. His advice to me, was something he needed to hear for himself too. I sense this. He is a good man. He gives me something else. He says,
"Think of you and the alcoholic in the ocean. You both are drowning. You know if you have ever tried to save someone from drowning you can't unless you're a lifeguard. But you know they'll drown you too. So imagine this, and then the choppy waters. Imagine a lighthouse off on the shore. All you can do is swim toward that lighthouse. You have to save yourself and hope that the alcoholic will follow."

Smart man. I am swimming.

Now, therapist (remember I hate that word - so coach/counselor/mentor) calls up. She just got a cancellation we talk for one second. I grab the hour slot. I rush to the meeting/therapy session. We have a real meaningful session. I tell her my 90% and my 10%. This is where I am and where I am going. She does a "chair therapy" session during the last 5 minutes. I talk about the 10% and the 90%. Interesting what I revealed to myself.

I am such a nightmare. I have so much swirling around in my brain. I am hostage to my own thoughts. I need an outside intervention. And I get one. Two. Three today (Sponsor, Therapist, Al-Anon Meeting).

I am swimming toward the lighthouse.

I work Step one at 5PM. I will work it hard. I got to an Al-Anon Meeting with Men tonight.

Last note. EVERYONE's thoughts were excellent yesterday and I CANNOT EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION enough. Every one of you - I owe you. IF I could take everyone to dinner I would. No drinking though (said in fun but in truth).

See you all later

Traveling

I am traveling this week. I am worried my spouse will relapse. I am worried she will inadvertantly assume she has full command of her capacities, and take the car and my daughter for a spin. Especially since I am out of town this week.

I ask God how did I get here? every, single, God-damned, day. [Sounds like anger. It's just a quote from Patton - the movie, when a reporter asked Patton if Patton read the bible that was sitting next to his bunk. That quote was his reply. I thought it was humorous. ]

Then I think about what I can control. And what I cannot. I think about what will she do if she reads this Blog? Feel the pain of ourside of the chaos and distrustion? Or will she just use that as an excuse to be righteous?

Those thoughts are things I cannot control. I just wish for sanity and happiness. I wish for her to be more empathetic. And I wish she was not self-absorbed and not deceitful.

Those are false hopes. They're mine and no one elses. Except our daughter's too. She feels the pain. She is sensing that she is not protected and she worries.

I try to address my daughter's pain of worry by saying "That's not your problem. That problem is mom's and she is trying to get better." The problem with that statement is my wife is not operating on full speed. I can see it and hear it. It will take at least 12 months and maybe years for her to get well. In the meantime, she is making poor judgments and decisions. And she saying and doing things that are a little bizzare. I won't go into it, for it would sound demeaning. But I fear for our daughter, as a role model, mothers are a big influence.

But again that's hers and this is mine. The only thing and this is complicated, is when you have children. We can say, "Let go and let God," and "Control what you can control" but only for a second. With children, you cannot exactly ever "let go."

I am grateful today for;
1. Having two of the greatest in-laws a person could ever have. They have dignity and integrity. It makes me sad when I write this. I told my counselor this too.
2. I have a beautiful daughter. Absolutely beautiful. I could not have asked God to provide a more beautiful person to come into the world.
3. I am learning Al-Anon tools that I wish everyone could learn.
4. I am grateful about getting friends and neighbors to help me/us in this time of need.

I need to find an Al-Anon meeting while I am here. Except I cannot slip out of these business meetings. I am sorta in the midst of a major melt down of this division of the company.

Our Addiction as a Spouse

What is our addiction as a spouse of an alcoholic? Or as a parent? Is codependency and our need for acceptance an addiction? Are wanting something we can't have? And we just keep on keeping on, thinking we will get it?

I wrote these words AFTER I read the passage below.

I picked up an old book by Dr. Robert Anthony. I am getting ready to fly out of town today. So I am gathering up my usual four or five books I think I need to read (never really reading or needing them all. But the books are my friends and I think I may need to talk to them and have them talk to me.)

Anyway I pick up this book. I open it up and it jumped to this page (page 80). The words on the page went right to my eyeballs. The words were looking for me. Weird. How did the book open to this page and my eyes went to these words. Or the words go to my eyes?

Page 80
"In dealing with your more subtle addictions, such as an addiction to having a certain person near you or loving you, remember: The pain you wish to get rid of is the pain you feel when that person is not present or is failing to meet your expectations. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are addicted to the person. Your addiciton is composed of your expectations of how that person should be and your expectations of having them near you and supportive of you."

Just For Today, Yesterday

Today I leave town for the morning. Heading off to a conference. It's a 3-Day thing, that I am attending just for this morning, to help set up our booth/display and "man" it until others come in. I volunteered to do this because I was just an hour from the town where the conference is, why mess up everyone's weekend to have them fly in Sunday night.

Is that codependence?
I question my actions now about what I do and why I do it. I am not sure that this is a good thing. Because it has taken some of the automatic non-thinking activities that I did and has given me "cause for pause."

My wife. This is the Yesterday part of the Title of this Blog.
What a nut. She told me through my daughter she was going to the beach in two weeks with her girlfriends. "Excuse me? Are you like outter your mind? These are the same "girls" you used to go to the lake with and drank too much. Used to = last year. Can't you just skip going to the lake this year while you are in early recovery?"

Her reply, "Nope. I have decided to go. Besides my friend, 'ABC' (a fictitious name) will watch me like a hawk."

My reply, "So, you don't want me watching you like a hawk, and I learned I shouldn't through AL-Anon and the Family Night from rehab. So you are setting ABC up in the role?"

Her reply, "Well I said that because I knew you'd worry about me." [Man, isn't she fast on her feet? You see why you don't argue with an alcholic? I thought I had her pinned to the mat in my verbal maneuver above, and she came right back at me. But wait, I am still wrestling this demon. See my rejoinder.]

My rebuttal, [I am now getting engaged. Watch and learn. This is how we get 'hooked up']. So I said, "You know, you spent over 12 weeks in treatment. It cost you [us] several thousand dollars. Now you are going to, put yourself in a situation where there is alcohol and put stress into your life?"

Her reply, "Yes. That is what I decided." [All - Now watch or read, as I have gotten myself into this tangle with a sober alcoholic. I am engaging. I get engagement back. A passive-aggressive sort of retaliation. Instead, what should I have done? It was so easy to slip into this. I did not know the answer yesterday. Today I do know the answer to "what should I have done?"]

My rebuttal, [I am engaged in full now. Not angry though. Just in disbelief. And maybe using the "disbelief" as a guilt throwing device.]. Here is what I say, . . . ,
"You know, your going down there is not about you. I don't really care if you drink. But there are a lot of other people affected by your alcoholism. You have our daughter, your mom and dad. This is isn't just about you. What did XYZ say? [XYZ is her counselor at rehab]

Her reply, "XYZ strongly discouraged it."

I was in a little shock that he thought it was bad AND said so. But I was glad he expressed it. And I am surprised she admitted he said it.

But God intervened then, by giving me some calm and insight. "I said, you know, OK. Go ahead and go. Me and our daughter will go visit Uncle Mike and his wife." I said to myself, the insight being, maybe I can use this as an "opportunity" to get closer to our daughter.

"Who will watch the dog????" she said.

"I don't know. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Take her to the lake." I said. Truly not trying to throw the dog into an alcoholic party, but sticking her with the issue of the dog. Not mine to figure out. And I didn't pick it up to be mine. I was pleased.

God intervened even harder, more forcefully this time when my daughter my brought the phone from upstairs to the basement where we were having this conversation [we/I try not to have confrontations in front of our daughter. But our daughter is always curious to hear what is going on when we go into another room to "talk."]

The phone call was from a next door neighbor and my wife took the call and started talking so self-absorbed that neither one of us [daughter and me] were no longer there and no longer important. [Funny I write this part. I did not think about it until now. Now that pisses me off, now that I realize this. I can feel the sensation rising from my stomach, (this is happening real-time - as I write this) that recoiled snake uncoiling wanting to lash out and say "You stupid shit. We are having a conversation at the time and you put us on 'ignore mode'?"] But I didn't and . . .

I won't. It doesn't make any difference. [But why did I feel this? - I am writing this thought 3 hours later. Why do I want to be noticed? I must try to figure out why being ignored hacks me off.]

There is a reason for this exchange occuring. And my wife going to the lake/mountains. Maybe it is to show me her self-absorbtion. Maybe it is something that I will find out later. Patience, dear Joseph. And just let it be.

My daughter and I? What did we do while my wife got into the phone call and just acted as the peacheyist thing in the world to the phone caller? Well, we went to a coffee place (like Starbucks). And we studied for an hour. We reviewed her math. We had fun. She had a smoothie. I didn't.

Peace

PS - Thanks KevinB for putting the program together this weenend. I am looking for volunteers for the next weekend. It takes the pressure off of me, I am offering my hand for help!! :-)
PPS - We had over 260 visitors this weekend (Friday through Sunday night). When I say "we" - what I mean is this blog has become more than a diary for me. I have learned so much from the comments here and I am grateful for the anonymous support we exchange.

My Conundrum - Different Than Yours

My Conundrum: To go to which of the two Al-Anon Meetings?

My wife finishes up her outpatient rehab. Rehab is really just education about alcohol and learning to work the AA 12 Steps. It tries to break the addiction by getting the alcoholic to focus on a new addiction - the 12 Steps and the AA meetings and building a support network of AA members to call when the craving kicks up. And with a Sponsor he or she can work the 12 Steps.

AA is a powerful program. So powerful basically all the rehab clinics practice the 12 Steps.

Rehab, I learned is changing. It is going from 28 days to 90 days. They are finding that 28 days (aka 30 days treatment centers) are not effective, because it takes about six months for the person to get back to firing on the right cylinders in the brain. So, 90 day treatment centers are more popular. With these 90 day treatment centers - they are finding that work is an essential part to getting well. Having something to do - the work of working - keeps one's mind busy. Except my wife made up about 30 excuses not to work. Then the counselor said "work is good" and then it was another reason, "I don't have to." Of course, I work. She plays. Pisses me off. Another rock to deal with. Damn rocks. Wish I never read that passage in "Hope For Today."

So, my wife completes her program this week. After failing the first time. They were supposed to "kick her out" for coming to it drunk. But I persuaded them not to. The second time she drank was over Christmas. They were supposed to kick her out then too.

I now regret that I persuaded them the first time to keep her in. I probably did not persuade them too much, because as much as one would like to think that this is a "missionary" endeavor, these clinics are still Profit and Loss Centers (i.e. they have to make money). I sort of forgot about that - the making money part. Another "Duh."

She has committed to 90 meeting in 90 days. This is supposed to be the magic of AA meetings, this 90 and 90. As long as she doesn't drink. But all this . . . is about her. That's her program. She works hers or doesn't. So?

As the commercial says - and I love this commercial, "Enough about me talking about me. How about you talk about me now?" So, what about ME? What am I doing for me? AND even better, what are YOU doing for YOU?

I have to leave town today or in the morning. I want so desperately to go the Wednesday Family Meeting from 6-9PM (of course as I said last week - I go alone because my wife is ....a.) too busy b.) Soo busy c.) Is meeting with the President every Wednesday d.) None of the above). It hurts that she would never go to the family night, it said a lot.

I like the meeting because it centers me. It is about me (the family) and the people (like me) in the meeting. And then the patients work together with the family. It is run just a little like an Al-Anon meeting except there is a counselor in the meeting who chairs it. He is a good person. I like him. Although I have fallen into the trap of "let him decide" what is best as so many people do, because he is an "authority." I have realized that everything someone who is an authority (VP or CEO in business, a client, and now a therapist) says, is not always true. I realized this about 20 years ago. But I fell back into this authority thing. [Note to self: What am I saying here? I am saying this; You need to get to a confidence level, whereby you trust you trust you gut - or your intuition/instinct. But your instinct can only be as good as your confidence and knowlege. I guess "listening"- silently - is a big component too.]

But back to me; I also want to go to the Tuesday night Men's Meeting. It appears I cannot do both, because of the meetings I have to fly to. I am bummed out. I tried to rework my travel schedule, but it just won't work out that I can go to both meetings. So which one should I go to? That's my conundrum.

My conundrum is different than yours. Isn't that interesting? So, I am going to go out on a limb and cross a boundary and get in your face. Because, I use this excuse, I care.

I made a comment earlier this morning to the Al-Anon Meeting Online. I said to all thinking about going to Al-Anon to "get off your duff and just go" (essentially that's what it said).

I think a lot of us feel "guilty" about going. Guilty because we are used to placing our needs behind everyone else. We don't want to appear selfish. And we don't want to feel guilty when we do something for ourselves. I am projecting here - because that is me. I sacrificed. I sacrificed some more. While no one really gave a - excuse me - shit - what I did. I wasn't a martyr. I was just used to it. I would order the least expensive thing on the menu. I would get somewhere early, to help set up. I would stay late to help clean up.

Now, last week, I got the guts to tell my wife to rearrange her Tuesday evening around my Tuesday evening so I could go to the Men's Group Meeting. She hemmed and hawed a little bit (whatever hemmed and hawed means). But I made no bones about it. I was going. I almost did not go at the last minute. It was too late in the day (7PM). But I narrowly escaped making an excuse for myself because my sponsor was going to be there. I had "committed" and I hate breaking commitments. I even went to dinner afterwards!!! Even though I hemmed and hawed for a second. I really had a great time. No alcohol by the way even though we were at a Mexican restaurant. It was strange not drinking with a bunch of men. But it was a very cool and good strange. It was nice to hear how these men were seeking peace. How some men's live were changed. And it did not depend upon their spouse's drinking. (I stopped drinking about 10 months ago when I found out my wife was drinking heavily and secretively)

So to you women or men who are too chicken to go to Al-Anon. "Buck buck." Don't be chicken.

So you feel guilty. Big deal. Get over it. Live for yourself. You only get one deal on this round ball called earth. It's your deal called "life." When you meet God or your Higher Power, he (or she) won't ask you, "Were you embarrassed to go to Al-Anon?" But the HP may ask you, "Did you live like I expected you to live? For yourself? Or did you not live?

Look at me. I faced those things too. Now I am stressed out that I cannot go to both. How's that for funny?

Engage or Not Engage

It's very easy to engage and argue with someone who has been drinking. When the alcoholic is drinking, a whole set of emotions come out, that we have lurking under the surface. The "drink" is our trigger - or should I say - the "drinking."

The release of emotions when we argue with the alcoholic vary and are diverse in range. They emotions run the gamut from; hate, fear, anger, jealously, resentment, feeling like a victim, hurt, and so on.

When we argue with the alcoholic, we feel like we are making progress, we use our best arguments, and we are very good. If the alcoholic responds he or she can make very little sense, or may agree or may attack back.

Pick one of the three on how the alcoholic responds;
1. Not making sense. - we get frustrated, so we explain and get further frustrated
2. May agree - they agree to do some by a time/date. They don't do it. We get further frustrated.
3. May attack - they get personal. We respond by attacking them. We threaten. We don't follow through with the threat.

What we need to look at is how to become in control of what we can control. What can we control? Here is a list;
1. The decision to engage or disengage. This one is powerful. Just saying, "I am not going to engage with you right now." Puts the power of control back in your court. And you can address the issue when the alcoholic is sober.
2. Ask yourself "How important is this to argue about?" This is also powerful because it allows you to rationally decide if this is important or if it is a nit or can be dealt with later.
3. "Letting go." When we are angry, and have this anger sitting under the surface of our skin, it is called resentment. Resentment causes stress. Stress causes illness. The illnesses caused by stress may be sleep deprivation to gaining weight to a form of cancer. "Letting go" says I decide what I am going to release from my mind. This does not mean, I am letting the alcoholic off the hook when they agreed to do something, it's taking a different tact in that I will not be angry. But I will hold him or her accountable.
4. Worry. Worry is thinking about what may happen. It is about the future. It is out of our control. Unless of course you have some power over the future (which you don't).
5. Anger is about blame. Blame looks to the past and what cannot be undone. You have no power to change the past.
6. Present - is responsibility about what you can do now. Stand in the now. What can I do? What should I do? Can I do it? This you do have power to do. This is where you need to focus.
7. Back to Engage. This is about making your statement. Be clear on what you expect and what you need. It needs to be only a sentence. Put a period on your statement. This is powerful. You don't have to explain why you want something. Sometimes that weakens your request. If you feel it moving toward criticism of the individual, that is; toward you or you toward him, then you say silently or outloud, "Stop." Now you decide to say, "I am not engaging. I am not going to allow this conversation to go in that direction." If it continues, stop yourself from further discussion and move away from the argument by going to another room or shutting down by saying, "Let's discuss this later."

A telltale barometer of anger waiting to jump out is when my chest tightens and a coiled snake starts to rise from my stomach up through my chest. And it wants to release through my mouth. Once you recognize the tightening is your stomach or chest, by practicing stepping away, detachment or a control tool above, you find yourself over time creating a new response habit, where you don't get angry as often and are in control of your thinking.

Here are some other tools;
1. Forgiveness - a completely self-centered act that allows you to release and let go. You don't have to accept bad behavior, but it allows you to feel good by saying something about the person's problem to yourself. It helps you, by keeping resentment from building.
2. Setting boundaries - it puts in place clear expectation and consequences if the expectation is not met.
3. Doing something for yourself - this means taking time out for yourself. When you do something for yourself; going to a movie, having lunch with a friend, going running/walk, sitting at Starbucks with a book for 30 minutes, etc. makes you a better, calmer person who likes themselves.

If you follow some of these guideline, you become more empowered. When you are engaging with the alcoholic, you will find that you are being controlled. And the funny or strange thiing is you don't even know you are being controlled. Think about this for a second, and you past experiences. Aren't you playing into their hands when you get mad and engage?

I hope this helps.

PS - actually two PS's
1. I still need some help with this weekend's On-Line Al-Anon Meeting this weekend. I am thinking about the subject of Effective Tools we can use. And people can post what has worked for them. Or someone has a burning topic - we can do that. Please let me know.
2. You may have read the post called the Bride of Frankenstein that was up earlier. It was meant in jest. While I had no one calling for it to be taken down, I reread it and thought it was in poor taste. I mean to never criticize anyone, even when I am fuming, it was meant to add some light hearted ness to what some of us are facing. We are facing some terrible circumstances that affect us deeply. And I wish for all of us to know, that there is a God or HP, and that we shall prevail. And we shall prevail with dignity and our heads held high and we will never be taken down by anyone. Especially an abusive, self-centered personality, and that is where I put my period at the end of this sentence.

A Phone Call

Update 5:50PM Wednesday evening. Just left client's office. SLIGHTLY Revised

I am going to another meeting. It is my wife's Outpatient Rehab Program- it's Wednesday, so it's family night. My wife has never attended this family night program. I have. I have attended this religiously - every single Wednesday including the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the Wednesday right after New Year's Day.

It's been about 12 weeks of Wednesday night meetings.
But it's supposed to be Family Night.
Where is your wife Joe?
She is MIA.
Why is this Joe?
I am not sure Sherlock. Why don't you answer that question?
May be she's too busy?
Nope. She doesn't cook Sherlock. We also have babysitters. (Not for us to go out however)
Geez, Joe what's it mean?

Duh.

Why am I here? Alone? Again? Because I am an idiot. Maybe not. Maybe I want to get some guidance. Yep. That's it. Truly I do. But I do stick out like a sore thumb. No spouse. No body.

Anyway, so back at the ranch . . .
I received a phone call from her best friend today. She said, "So Joe, what's been going on? How are things going?"

I let her know what I thought. I told her somethings, that my wife had told her, but had subtley distorted to make me look like the bad guy. I should just say, "She lied." Subtley distorted, bull. I told her a different story that suddenly made sense to her. She didn't want to hear the truth and had to go - the phone was ringing from her children's school. Yeah right. The truth is hard to find wrong. Funny thing, that my wife was drinking a few weeks ago. But she forgot to mention that she picked up our 10 year old daughter and dog and drove her down to the store hitting curbs and sending dog across the car after making wild turns.

I could tell she was sniffing around. I guess someone reading this would say, "Sniffing around? Duh. Of course she was." Is this true? You think?

At the Family Meeting . . .
I am going to state how I feel tonight. I will not be labeled or made to feel bad or guilty. But i am not sure how I feel. I just want to leave - move on. Except I have a 10 year old.

See you later.

Al-Anon Meeting: Men's Group Meeting

Al-Anon Men's Meeting: Yesterday I posted I would go to the Men’s Group on Tuesday night. In the past I was not able to go because my wife has an AA meeting on Tuesday night. I "sacrificed" me and my time for her and her time. It made perfect sense. I need her to get well; therefore, I want her to go to AA.

Wellllllllllllllllllll ..... I am so over that one! Let her work around my schedule. I am valuable too.

I decided, why sacrifice my calendar for her calendar?

Isn't that enabling and codependent?

I love and hate these words. They in some ways make me a prisoner by defining who I am at times according to someone's definition, whoever is defining them at the time - this is the hating the words part. My wife now uses them to put me in a box. As does, I am sorry to say, her counselor, whom I really like and has been of great help to me in setting boundaries etc. when I go to family night.

The love of words is that they sometimes enable me to see what I am doing to MYSELF as I define them. And they provide me with strength to do what I want to when I want to. Albeit - I don't do this enough [allow me to do what I want]. However, I am very wary that I am using these words as possible excuses in my behavior. I disdain people who don't take responsibility for their actions or inactions. And taking responsibility is very different than taking blame.

Yada, yada [I know I am rambling].

So, I digress. Back to the point. Or points.

Well I went to the Men’s Meeting. I was glad it was a small group. There were only 8 men there. [Another group I go to sometimes has 30 to 40 men there, and it's tough to talk and share].

It was a great meeting. We discussed the first step in Al-Anon. I heard a couple of things that really resonated with me. I will paraphrase what I recall;

1. Don't look back. And don't look forward. Just look down. Look where your feet are. Where are they? On the ground. Therefore, be where you are. Be in the present.
2. Why is it we are attracted to these women who have addictions? Why is it we can spot them across a crowded room? Several men have had several relationships with the Deja Vu thing occurring each and every time.
3. I was dating two women (I guess at the time it was “girls” way back then). One was really sweet, and very attractive. The other drank too much wine and created a lot of fighting and chaos. I had to make a choice. Not because I was told by both to decide which one to date, but because I thought it would be more fair to both of them [hear that Joe? You were not thinking of yourself, you were "sacrificing" again. Interesting - 15 years later, I see this clearly. What a discovery]. So I chose.... duh.... the one who provided "What I knew" - the chaos and fighting that I had grown up with.
4. I learned that the first step and this was worth the price of admission folks - was about how we are (I am) powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. And the remaining 11 steps are really about gaining your (my) power back [but only through our HP and not forcing it].
5. We cursed a couple of times. And for some reason that felt good.
6. Personally I rambled. I make speeches and presentations all the time in my job. These presentations have to been around the world -to CEOs and executives. But at these meetings, I just ramble. I go from point to point to point to point. It's a wonder anyone can follow me.
7. I learned from someone after the meeting, as he was advising another man, that if you have to chose between resentment and guilt, chose guilt each time. Resentment will eat you up, he said. I need to talk to him again. This man had wisdom. But he was fighting his own demons, making him just one of us - humbled - very humbled to the effects of alcoholism in our families.
8. I learned here, that every one of us, has had almost the same experiences with the alcoholic.
9. I found that each man, in this meeting, was a kind and gentle man. All of us, were at one time, arrogant, angry, self-righteous, resentful, and could SLIP right back into that feeling and emotion and REACTION if it weren't for Al-Anon.
10. I think #9, was really worth the point of going last night on what would be considered - the other side of the world.
11. If there has to be an 11th point... I need to point back to number nine one more time. I could slip back into some of the uncontrollable behaviors I have / had at any moment; trying to fix things by taking over her responsibilities, sacraficing what I wanted to do to please her, and make my feelings subordinate to hers.
12. I now am building a list of men, whom I could call, when I feel lonely, and want a third party opinion. A list of men, who will not and I mean NOT allow me to say or do something that would affect my self-esteem after I "logically" have talked my self into saying something or doing something. I think this is pretty cool. You can't have the friends who can really give you advice, if they haven't had to deal with alcoholics.
13. This is a point (number 12 above) for you ladies/mothers/wives who are not going to Al-Anon. It allows you to build a support group. And I think we can ALL use a support group. We do feel guilty asking for help. But the people here - know you feel guilty - so they want to help you because they felt guilty asking for help at one time too.
14. THERE IS (was) absolutely NO judgment over anyone else at that meeting! WoW. I unloaded a couple of personal things I would never share, as did some other folks. And you know what I was told? "Thank you for sharing." "Thank you for being open with your emotions." Nice.
15. I am stopping here.

What do I want to say next? I know I had something to say. Now what was it?

I will come back later today, when I remember it.

Al-Anon Friends

I am grateful that my mother-in-law is here this week. The tension at home looms large. It is like a dark cloud. I often hold the mirror up to see what I am doing to create the cloud. I think sometimes I am creating the cloud. My mother-in-law is a smart lady. She breaks the tension to some degree.

I was a happy-go-lucky guy once. I remember him. He was funny, jovial, trying to make people laugh. I guess you could say I was trying to gain acceptance.

I read Syd's comments in the post below. They are from Al-Anon and the effects of children from alcoholic families;

• I am the overachiever. I had to be successful. I thought money would solve a lot of "issues." It did. I was dirt poor. But money did not buy me a true partner. Someone to laugh with and pitch in to help. This part annoys me. I bust my tail, and my qualifier "hangs out." I have been doing this all my life. When is my break?
• I am fearful of criticism. I really don't want people pointing out what is wrong with me. Jeez, I know what is wrong with me.
• I do take on more work than I am capable of. AND I do it! And all I want is a little recognition.
• I do not strive for perfection. Whew! I thought I was everyone of these. Then someone told me there are different types of perfection. I knew it, just when I thought I had one licked, they redefined the malady.
• I do like a crisis. I am addicted to the rush to fix things. I know exactly what to do each and everytime. I take "command" and can direct people out of the fire. Why is that? Because I have been in "fires" when I was a kid?

See Syd's comments in the post below.

What do I want now? I want appreciation. I want a plan. I want to know what is going to happen in my life six months from now. I do not want to be in this turmoil the rest of my life.

Tuesday night I dreamt the following dream. I am not a "dream person" - so let me make that clear right now. But this dream was pretty clear in it's imagery and there was a lot of symbolism.

My Dream:

I dreamt my wife was driving an SUV. I sat in the passenger side. I said go left. Naturally, she went right. We were lost. She knew we had to turn around. She could not turn around, so she drove up an embankment the left. She got out to let me drive. Then she tripped and fell on the ground.

Next thing she is on railroad tracks. Someone from another car comes and helps her up. Pulling her off the railroad tracks.

I am now in the drivers seat. The SUV is on the road sitting there - still - in park. My 10 year old daughter is in the front passenger seat. We both are buckled in. We are watching as this person - which is on the Right Side of the SUV - helping my wife up and move her to safety off railroad tracks.

I look to my left. I see we are on the railroad tracks. I see a train coming from the left side. It is moving fairly quickly toward us. I try to move the SUV's stick shift from Park to Drive. The stick stick is stuck. It won't budge. I look to my daughter in the seat beside me. I look at her seatbelt. I evaluate whether I should unbuckle her belt or should I keep trying to take the SUV out of gear and get us off the tracks. I think about whether if she gets out, by me unbuckling the seat belt, will she move fast enough of of the SUV and run from the right side - back away from the tracks.

I hear the horn of the train, I look to my left. I see the train and I then wake up.

It is 5 AM Tuesday morning. I cannot believe what I have just dreamt with so much clarity. I have never had a dream in such vivid detail. I have never had a dream with so much thought processing detail.

I tell this dream to you, with some intrepidation, as you not think I am a kook. I am crazy, but I am not a kook. This is one of a several things that have recently happened to me. But this message was clear.

The message I got from it was, someone is helping my wife. But my daughter and I are left and no one is helping us.

How about that for weird?

That may be my last weird post. I promise.

The Black Cloud of Alcoholic Chaos

REWRITTEN at 4PM ET Wednesday.
The black cloud of alcoholic chaos is when the household is embattled with alcoholism. Here is what happens, at least in my observations in meetings, in our home and my research. It may not fit your experience, but I will bet it comes close.

When the drinking reaches a certain stage for the alcoholic, it is the spouse of the family that is the first one to detect that alcohol may be an issue. It is seen in crazy behavior; missed appointments, calling in sick to work, hidden bottles, abusive language, a lack of responsibility, laziness, insecurity, etc.

We try to help by; keeping the appointments for the alcoholic, accepting the abusive behavior, making excuses, and so on. Soon the situation is unmanageable. But because it's a little bit over time, we barely notice we have accepted behavior we never would have accepted before, and because it's a little over time, we pick up the responsibilities of the alcoholic. The scenario is like the boiling frog in the pan story (I posted this frog story in another post in this blog somewhere).

Help for the alcoholic is almost everywhere. Unfortunately, help for the family is scarce. What we find is that the research, books and articles mostly focus on the behaviors of the alcoholic - (which we ALL read in hopes for us to fix the alcoholic - don't we?).

As the alcoholic's drinking increases, it becomes the primary focus of the alcoholics world. Perhaps even worse, it becomes a major, if not the major focus, of everyone else in the family.

We, as members of the family and other loved ones, are forced by the indirect controlling behaviors of the alcoholic to ignore our own needs. Often, we ignore the needs of our children, in order to keep the household functioning. We don't ignore the needs of our children purposely, but the attention in on the alcoholic. All eyes on his body language. We ask ourselves; "Is he in a good mood?" And, "How much has he had to drink?" And we all hide our feelings or adjust our own feelings and moods to suit his.

Further, we try to put on this facade to the outside world looking in. That is, we hide what is going on in our homes and present to the world that the household is functioning normally. We do this with child who may have to "overachieve" to compensate. This overachievement comes in good grades, star athelete or some other form. Another child might be humorous - the funny little guy, who vys for attention or throws the attention somewhere away from the home. Or the rebel, the child who starts cutting class, or drinks with his or her friends, or smokes pot.

But make no mistake about this. This black cloud places a huge burden on all of us in the family. The more we try to "keep up" the facade, the harder it becomes and bigger the burden we carry. As indiviuals, we put on a mask to hide our problem and our fears in public. In some cases, we avoid going out - we isolate ourslves to escape and cope.

We do not ask for help because we don't want to be found out, we are embarrassed in some cases, we don't think anyone can help us, we are not sure how they could help or could possibly understand. And we are too busy to ask for help, except in the form of help financially when the chips are down, or the bills stack up. May be we ask a neighbor to watch the children if we are lucky. But in the way of help - we are left to fend for ourselves. We are fighting a multi-headed dragon with cooked spagetti. (a bad analogy - but you get the drift)

What we may do is try to talk the alcoholic out of drinking. We try to "fix" the alcoholic. We appear to make progress. But then we are stymied. The world unravels when he or she doesn't show up when the promised, doesn't do what they agreed to, won't go to work, does what they want to when they want etc. They begin to develop this "screw you" attitude.

And whenever we think we are managing "it" all, (barely - we are barely hanging in there), we are thwarted by the unforeseen chaos of the alcoholic. It may come in the form of an unpaid bill, or a traffic ticket or accident, or falling down in the front yard.

And then we have the normal pressures of life. A child gets sick. A child fights in school. A child fails a couple of tests. A child is angry - going through puberty. And we begin to think - "Is this normal?" Or is the child's reactions (sickness, fighting, failing, anger) part of the reaction to what is going on in the house.

So, with the alcoholic focused on the drink, and focused on himself or herself - the pressure is building. And now, after a while - perhaps they hit their 40's or 50's, they slowly or quickly, start to disintegrate. They look old. Their face looks really bad.Their mental processes are not functioning. Their eyesight gets worse. They get RA. They get artheritus. Their body fat breaks down. They are angry most of the time. They are falling apart.

And we literally feel a sense of dread every time we walk back in the house. Especially when the alcoholic is there.

It's like a black cloud hangs over our house. It is in many ways - the house itself feels very heavy. You can feel the dread of everyone involved. It becomes very distressing.

It is - what I call "the chaos of alcoholism" and the ensuing "black cloud" on the home. And no one, but no one, can understand this pain and sickness. There is no judge, no court, no jury, no lawyer, social worker that could ever imagine the sickness going on in the house. You have to be there to feel it. And that's what has to happen. Spend a day or two here and you too know what is going on. It in entirely unmanageable. And incomprehensible.

Next post to this blog - what happens to our children and what roles do they tend to take?

Please provide your feedback. I would be grateful if you think I am accurate in my depiction or not.

The Alcoholic Marriage Part 2

This passage comes from Robert Greenleaf. First a little about Mr. Greenleaf. I studied leadership for a number of years (and still do - until recently) and found Mr. Greenleaf's works of "Servant Leadership." Mr. Greenleaf was one of the early pioneers of leadership studies. And even though he has passed away, his works are well known throughout the best schools, universities and corporations today. Servant Leadership is part of many churches and religious organizations as these teachings are about understanding people and guiding them. His work began at AT&T many years ago, and he is what one would call, a nice man, a very smart man, but someone who understood the human condition, and was compassionate toward all.

So when I found this quote in the back of the book, "The Dilemma of the the Alcoholic Marriage" (an Al-Anon book) I was not only surprised, but was impressed that Al-Anon had done the "research" to have related Mr. Greenleaf's work to our issue.

Here is the quote. I hope it provides meaning to you this day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our search should not be so much for a solution to a problem, or a way out of our difficulty, no matter how pressing. The search must be for inspiration, for insight, and one cannot know what he will do with an insight until he gets one.

Part of the necessary condition is to set aside one's own problems and needs, even the urgent and painful ones, and be prepared to receive and act upon the new insight. It may seem to have little relevance to our problem or need, but it may indeed, point to the new way in which our effort must be directed while we continue to bear our old burdens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To me, this quote is about gaining insights to our problems we are facing. The old way was not working. In fact, the old way, made us sick. These words say it all; "but it (the insight) may indeed, point to the new way in which our effort must be directed."

To The Alcoholic's Spouse - 2nd Letter

Letter Number 2 (New Day Dawning Series)

Prior Letters:
Letter Number 1 (click here)

An Open Letter to You (the person living in the chaos of alcoholism);

Date: Today (the Second day of a New Day Dawning for YOU.)

Dear YOU;

You need a friend. Why? To kick you in the tail. Are you wallowing in self pity? Are you depressed? Down? You are better than this. What did YOU do yesterday? Did you wallow a little bit or a lot?

Here is what your friend might say to you if you asked him or her for advice;

• Get a life, will you!?

And that's the tone the person would use too, if the person knew they wouldn't hurt your feelings, and not lose you as a friend. You see, they want you as their friend because they see a nice person under the layers of sweaters you are wearing to "cover up" your hurt feelings.

Yes. We feel hurt. We all feel it; How could our spouse (qualifier/son/daughter) do this to us? He (and she!) has lied over and over. "I won't drink anymore." Or how about this one, "I am just going down to the store, I'll be back in a bit." Or . . . . . . .Do you need more examples? No, you don't. We've all heard them. Same story. Different person. Different day. Deja Vu all over again.

We can sit there and feel sorry for ourselves. Yes. We should. And we should cry. And we should be pissed off. OK. We've done that. Are we done yet? No? OK, cry a little more and be pissed off a little more.

But today, you are going to redirect this negative energy.

And it's About Getting the Focus On YOU

Now, what are you going to do for you today? You are a list maker. I know you. You want to control the situation you have no control over. You know this to be true.

Let's redirect that good quality of "fixing things" and instead of aiming that good quality at a target that you cannot control or fix, let's aim it at you. Let's take the "list making" and decisiveness qualities AND HELP YOU.

What are you going to do for YOU today? Make a list. If you are stuck, here is a list you can act upon.

1. I will take a walk at lunch time. (Run, ski, whatever)
2. Instead of the potato chips, candy or junk, I will eat an apple, yogurt or something good for me, because I am worth it!
3. I will call two friends and see if they can have coffee with me (or breakfast or lunch). Now I have two "appointments."
4. I will not think about how I can fix my husband (wife).
5. I will not get angry. I will see him (or her) with a disease. This is not an excuse for them. This is to allow us to be compassionate instead of pissed off.
6. I will be clear in what I want to all I talk to. This is not meaning I will be "hurtful." It just means that I will set the boundaries (you need to read the Al-Anon literature or attend Al-Anon to understand more about this - also look under Labels at the right side of this blog).
7. Decide to be happy. Psychology says you can Act your way into feeling. Or feel your way into acting. By pretending to be happy, you can make yourself happier. Try this for 15 minutes. Sit - read something inspirational. Say out loud "I am going to be happy!" Several times. THEN SAY "I AM HAPPY!" If you need to add a "Damn it" on the end, do it. WHAT EVER IT TAKES.

YOU DECIDE today what you will bring into your life tomorrow. This letter is to you. But it is not a letter to just be read. It is a call to take ACTION.

Get off you duff. Get yourself back. YOU ARE WORTH IT. People do you love you and they don't know how to tell you to get yourself back. You are losing the battle by feeling this way. And I know something else about you. You are not a loser. Sure, you are worn down a bit. But you are far from a loser. So, get off your duff and take action. Create that list NOW.

So, What are you going to do for you today? Make a list and aim at getting at least three of those key things done today. These are things for yourself - not someone else!!

Sincerely, Your friend -

Joe

PS - it doesn't count to have the intention of writing the list. It only counts if you write it out and do at least three things today for yourself.

Alcoholic Open Letter - To YOU

An Open Letter to You (the person living in the chaos of alcoholism);

Date: Today (the new day dawning for you.)

Dear You.

You are a good person. You are a person who cares. You are a person who deserves to be happy. And you are not the cause of the alcoholic's problem and you cannot cure it. Period!

No matter what your qualifier does, his or her drinking or addiction, should not be allowed to take you down. And if you have lost your self-esteem and you feel you don't matter, shame on you. Get it back. And get it back for yourself and/or your children.

You have to get better no matter what your qualifier does. What I mean here is your qualifier may never get well. That is up to him (or her). You cannot fix it. You must work on yourself to get your sanity and health back.

We all feel the effects of alcoholism. It makes us feel "Worthless" and "tired" and "confused" among other feelings.

This loss of self-esteem and being run-down doesn't happen overnight, which makes it dangerous. It happens over time, and it is so gradual we don't notice it occurring. What is abnormal now becomes our "new normal."

If we took you back in time and showed you a video snapshot of the future and a video snapshot of the way life was, you would be surprised at the difference between how you were and how you are. You - in fact - would say probably, "I would never allow that to happen." But because of the gradual changes - we change subtly and over time - we don't notice it and because the changes are a "few inches a day, the changes are drastic."

I have found that going to Al-Anon allows me (and others I have met there), understand this fact of change consciously or unconsciously.

We have to get our sanity back;

• No more looking for bottles
• No more calling in sick for the alcoholic
• No more fighting or arguing - especially when drunk
• No more threats you cannot enforce or live by
• No more sacrificing your schedule because the alcoholic didn't live up to their commitment
• No more allowing ourselves to be called names or made to feel bad
• No more anger
• Not checking to see if the alcoholic is feeling OK today to see how we should feel and act

Now we have to do what is really normal that now feels selfish;

• Eating properly
• Eating when we are supposed to
• Exercising
• Meeting friends for coffee
• Working
• Not doing other people's work at work
• Knowing what "codes of value" we will live by and not allow others to intrude upon
• Being happy (and not feeling guilty about it)
• Dressing up/Showering/Getting out of the house
• Not covering up for our qualifier
• And so on

Al-Anon allows us to get sanity back after a few months. Then, and this is important, YOU react and respond differently toward the alcoholic. The alcoholic sees that there are changes because of your changes. What he sees is: You don't get mad anymore, you stop taking care of him (remember he is not a child but will act that way to be taken care of). Therefore he HAS to change, but now you don't have to tell him, you show him by your actions. So often we do for the alcoholic what he or she has to do for themselves (parents do this too). This will feel uncomfortable at first. It will seem selfish. But it isn't, it's the most necessary thing you have to do.

Second, and this is important too: Even if he does not get better, you now have the sanity to where you decide - you decide sanely - whether you want to stay in this environment and live the rest of your life this way. Right now, you cannot decide this properly.

Also - last and this is important too, by getting well, you begin attract new people, events and circumstances into your life that will help you and this help gets you well faster.

I hope this helps YOU.

Joe

PS - If you look back at my first posts, you will see I was crazy because my qualifier was arrogant, demanding, and deceitful. I was reactionary, hurt, depressed, and did not know the tools of Al-Anon. I am not perfect. But I know I have gotten better. I feel it and I see it from the first posts to today's posts. Again, I am still in recovery and have a lot to learn.

PPS - Remember, there are people who really love you and care for you. You are loved by them and by God. God does not make any junk. You need to love your self again. This is not selfish. Feel it and live it. Today is your turning point. See the new dawn rising.

The Alcoholic Marriage

We had a great meeting this weekend on detachment. I learned a lot and we had a lot visitors. To see this Meeting and the comments click on the link here: This Weekend's Meeting is on: Detachment

Today I want to post about something I read from the book - an Al-Anon book - titled "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage." But before I do, I want to tell you how I came across this book, because I do believe there are "forces" in the universe "conspiring to do us good" - if only we pay attention to them. These "forces" knock on our doors, and sometime we do not recognize them, especially if our mind are in a state of turmoil.


A Story About Rescue
There is the story of the man who was caught in a flood and went to the roof of his house, to escape the rising waters which had surrounded his house. There he sat and prayed to God for a rescue and to be saved.

Soon a truck with wheels big enough to go through the water came to the house with the man on the roof, and the occupants of the truck said, "Come with us, we have room in our truck," and the man on the house replied, "No thanks, I have prayed and have asked God to save me."

Later as the water had gotten to a higher level, making it impossible for trucks to get through any longer, a man in a rowboat showed up. The man in the boat said, "Come with me, I have room in my boat," and the man on the house replied, "I have prayed and have asked God to save me."

The water had started to overtake the roof, and the water's torrent was swift, beginning to tear away at the structure ripping parts of the house apart. The man stood up becasue the water had overtaken his roof and he again prayed to God for help. Just then a helicopter came by, and the pilot called down, "We'll send down a rope and save you." The man replied, "I have prayed to God and I am waiting for him to save me."

The helicopter pulled away and soon the man was washed away in the water's torrent and died.

When the man got to heaven he asked God why hadn't God saved him from the rising waters? God replied, "I tried to rescue you three different times, why didn't you take what I sent you?"

We are all sent something - this book (The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage) came to my attention through my sponsor at Christmas. I had written it down - but soon forgot about it.
Then at Al-Anon, a woman who is struggling with her husband, who I have known from this meeting for sometime, said to me "Here you ought to read this, this book is really good."

Normally, I would not have gotten the book. But she was very much in my "face" with the book - and she is not that way - pushy I mean - and not a person to cross boundaries. It was a message I believe - to GET THE BOOK. Plus it was only $9.50! What did I have to lose.

Perhaps this quote and post will be your message and help you. Here is the quote or passage I was reading this morning;

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"If he is drinking, her (wife) constant protective watchfulness makes it easy for him to sidestep getting help. He has no incentive to get sober. She convinces herself that she's doing her very best for him; she hasn't learned, as she would in Al-Anon, that shielding him from the consequences of his drinking only prolongs its course.

"When he's drunk, her reaction is to reproach him for his behavior, and that's the very worst time to attempt to communicate with him. In fact it can't be done without triggering a family war.

Until she learns what is wrong with her attitude and how to change herself so he will be forced to face his responsibilities, the situation isn't likely to improve."

from "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage"

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The book goes on to discuss the importance of communication - good communication - which is vital in a good marriage.

A certain sentence may be read out of context; "Until she learns what is wrong with her attitude . . . " is the sentence.

What this means is; Me, you, us - we have to change our attitude toward the alcoholic. It means "detach" and stop trying to help him or her when they can do it for themselves. This sentence is not to say "we are to blame." You and I are not to blame. We were just doing what we thought was right, because we did not have the tools.

I hope this passage from the book helps you. I also hope, that my message of trying to get peace in your own head helps. Because we need that intuitive side that we all tend to have to come back to us. The intuitive side of us, which I know I have and I know - or suspect you have - needs to come back through quieting our minds. And then when something happens, where someone points to Al-Anon, someone points to a book, someone offers something up to you to accept or not accept, maybe, just maybe there is some force trying to give you guidance, to help you.

I hope this message brings me peace, because I suppressed my intuitive side for the past six months through focusing on the chaos and trying to manage someone elses life.

Make today a good and pleasant, happy day!

Saturday's Al-Anon Meeting

I am very fortunate to have the friends I have at Al-Anon. I held my first discussion this past Saturday. I was given a big applause. I was embarrassed and proud of myself at the same time. Embarrassed because I felt like a child. Proud in that I have come a long, long way. I got hugs again from everyone. Again, I am not a really hugging person. But I am beginning to like it. I even hugged a person on the way out - in fact if I remember correctly I hugged two people - on my own.

I owe these nice people a large debt of gratitude. I attended the meeting - the first meeting - around six months ago. I was knocked to my knees, you see my wife was driving around the busy highways of this town/city drinking wine out of coffee cups, and water bottles - with and without my daughter in the car. I travel a lot and I was not able to "check her out" . . . when I called her on her cell phone and made any observation about her drinking while she was driving, she would hang up on me. It was really frustrating and it pissed me off.

I was at my wits end when I first came to Al-Anon. In fact, I felt so alone, so scared, so VERY much dying on the inside.

Today I am doing better. I do slip into the "hate" and the "disdain" for where I am and for what I feel is a huge amount of distrust between the two of us (my wife and I). She feels resentful that her parents and I have "forced" her to face the drinking by going to AA and go to a treatment center. She blames me. It appears the treatment center has helped in some ways. In other ways, she uses what she has learned against me.

My anger and frustration has popped out in different areas. Last week it was a barking dog - and my neighbor who was arrogant and defensive. The dog barks all the time - hours on end. It keeps me, and our child up at night. I told the dog to "shut up." My neighbor came at me one day. And I should have walked away. But we had an argument. He said "dogs bark, get over it" and I said, "not all the time." We got no where.

I do not have any tolerance for people who manipulative, arrogant or deceitful. When some one is "passive aggressive" I have this tendency to want to "address it" by calling them on it or I just avoid them [Remember the Al-Anon slogan; "You cannot control it, you cannot change it, you didn't cause it."]

I am also putting a lot of pressure on myself - to come up with an answer; Do I stay married and hope the outcome will be positive? And in the meantime, be absolutely miserable, because of the lies of alcoholism and the potential issue of driving and drinking and getting into an accident an injuring someone? And what about my daughter? Should she be subject to be around this alcoholic family situation? This is the hard question. And truthfully I fear making it. I want a lightning bolt from God to help me out by giving me the answer. I seek therapists and no one seems to be able to give me guidance. I love my wife when she is sober and acting like another parent. But she slips into this irresponsible role - almost the role of a child. When I depend on her, she too, acts passive aggressively (she remembers what she thinks she said or agreed to). What do I mean by this? She says she will do X. It never happens and she says she never agreed to it. I have begun to try to clarity and exactness in our conversations. It frustrates us both - I spend a lot of energy by getting clarity - and I wonder if I come across accusatory.

So, in one way, I have come along way in six months since my first Al-Anon Meeting. But I feel like a little bit of an impostor. I may look OK on the outside - but I am on a roller coaster ride to hell and back on the inside. I feel like that duck, you know the metaphor of duck on the water, looking calm on the surface, but paddling like hell to stay afloat.

It was simply wonderful to receive the warmth Saturday from Al-Anon folks. It filled my heart with pride and pleasure when everyone complimented me Saturday. The memory is still with me. I hope I never forget that feeling of acceptance of who I am.

In my next post - I will see if I can post the PowerPoint diagram I made as my handout that was related to Self-Esteem and Self-Acceptance and my talk. (I must admit - it is pretty cool. But it may take explaining).

Have a Good Week

Breaking Co-Dependency - Second Step

"If you think you are dependent upon another individual -you are!" Dr. Robert Anthony

Our Circles - Who We Are and What We Do
Whenever we see a loved one's life in disarray, part of us wants to jump in and manage it. Think of a circle drawn around a person's feet. The circle represents who that person is. The circle is their work life, their family and the interaction with the family, their obligations - like paying the bills, household duties, etc. It represents their promises and commitments, their hopes and dreams and their beliefs - such as religion, politics, self, etc.

We all have a circle. Don't reflect on the size of the circle. Just visualize this.

When we see someone step outside the circle, they stop paying the bills, they don't go to their work, - they don't do what they are supposed to do . . .

The person - us - wants to "fix" things. And we "jump into their circle." We still have ours - by the way! We try to manage or help the other person by managing the things they have to get done.

"No" is a Complete Sentence.
We still try to manage and get done the other things we have to do too. We - in essence - are doing the work of two!!!! Let me give you some examples:

1. We pay the bill for a son who got the DUI.
2. We allow the son to borrow money from us to go buy something they cannot afford (nor can we - by the way!).
3. We call into the office of our spouse to tell the people there, that our spouse is sick today, and cannot make it.
4. We tell people when our spouse is passed out drunk, that they had a long week and are tired.

We make excuses, we do things for them, we allow them to "get off the hook" by not facing reality. At the same time our lives become unmanageable. We cannot manage two lives. Hell, we can barely manage our own. What in the world makes you think you can do both????

This is where we become sick. We become unmanageable. Our children suffer. Our work suffers. We feel like we are a prisoner - in some odd manner.

Visualize yourself standing, one foot in the addicts circle and another foot in your circle. The addict has drifted out of their circle. He or she sees someone managing the circle. They may think, "I don't need to come back. Some body (you) is taking care of me (my circle - my obligations."

Or -The addict may think, "I will keep drinking" (or using). They don't even care about their circle (their old self). They are "not in reality." Their drinking becomes worse. They reality is further covered up.

You - So you are helping - trying to stabilize and keep things together. You are in two lives. Here's what happens;

1. You are trying live both and doing a "sucky" job doing it - and you know it.


2. Sooner or later you start to lose your identity.


3. Sooner or later you don't remember you are.


4. You have glimpses of a life - a previous life you lived. You see this old self.


5. You miss your "old self". You get "pissed off." You want it back.


6. Your anger becomes misdirected.


7. You lash out at people at your office (the last place you want to do this by the way).


8. You lash out at your spouse's family (and you become labeled a "bitch" or an "asshole" - and of course you feel guilty/bad about this and you think they think "No wonder he/she drinks." adding more guilt/bad feelings to your psyche).


9. You may lash out at your children about something trivial.


10. You begin to isolate yourself because you don't want to "burden others."


11. You feel stuck. You are in a death spiral.

Break it. Say, "No." The word "No" is a complete sentence. It's a long-time get well process. It doesn't happen over night. It takes courage and one small step at a time. Because you have to "ween" others off it too - the ones who know you are always there for them.

Next post - More on co-dependency. By the way, who am I to write about co-dependency? I am "Mr. Co-Dependency" and don't you forget it! I write this today, with the full knowledge I can break this, but tomorrow, I am back. This post is dedicated to the therapists at the clinic, who will remain nameless and who are so dedicated that they give out their time almost 24 by 7 to family and addicts. God Bless them. I do not know how they do it.

Last, the work here is from Virginia Satir. Satir served as the director of training at the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto from 1959-66 and at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur beginning in 1966. In addition, Satir gave lectures and led workshops in experiential family therapy across the country. She was well-known for describing family roles, such as "the rescuer" or "the placator," that function to constrain relationships and interactions in families (Nichols & Schwartz, 1998. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 4th ed. Allyn & Bacon).

10 + Things That Have Helped Me ... Maybe They Will Help You

Here are some things that have helped me. I want to share these with you - all of you. They may sound simple, too simple. But what I have learned is this; all great things in life are simple. It's our failure to practice them that makes it hard.

1. Here is something I USED to do and have started to do it again. It restored some of my better thinking to what it used to be. It is this; Get sleep. You need 7 to 8 hours of sleep. I have read numerous studies how a lack of sleep will make you sick. It makes you gain weight. It makes you irritable. I try to have the house buttoned down and locked up by 9PM. My child is in bed by 8:30PM. Then, I spend time reading something "inspirational" - today I am reading "Total Self-Confidence" (I am re-reading it - it is about HOW YOU THINK. It is NOT about power and manipulation.) I turn off the telephone. Sometimes I unplug it!!! I cannot stand when people break the, "Don't call past 9PM rule" (albeit - it is an unwritten rule - Has any one besides me heard of this rule???)

2. Get up - at 5AM. Shower up, go downstairs, get the coffee going. And read again. Same thing. Read something inspirational. I also studied business books to turn my professional career around. Now I am back to inspirational. They make me feel good and they make me a better person and leader at home and at work. The books I read are written by experts, by the way and I model myself after the ideas and people in the books. The art of sitting and reading takes tons of discipline - (which is exactly what we need to practice right now) -

Harry Ward Beecher said, "The first hour of the morning is the rudder of your day." And he was right. Start it off by reading something that will set your mind right and the course for your day heading in the direction.

This little tool, reading early in the morning, for at least one-hour, sent me from rags to riches. It didn't keep me from marrying an alcoholic however! But today, it will SAVE your sanity.

3. Go to the Public Library. Get books on "How To Think" - they are usually labeled as "Self Help" by people who try to make people feel bad about reading them. You will find very inspirational stories that will make you feel better. Going to the library is something we should all do more often. The books are free!!!

4. Fire the paperboy. Do not read the the paper in the morning. It's full of bad news. YOU do not need bad news.

5. Turn off the TV at night before you go to bed. If the first hour in the morning is the rudder of your day, and sometimes called the "Golden Hour", then the last hour, the hour before you fall off to sleep is the "Magic Hour" since it is what you are feeding your mind to dream about. Think of the first morning hour and the last evening hour as bookends - Positive bookends to your day. You don't need to hear about the rape or killing before you go to sleep at night ! (and you know it! don't you?) Admit it. There is nothing good on TV that you cannot live with out!

6. Make lists of things to do. (Your "To Do's"). After you read in the morning for an hour, (by the way, I found myself starting this at 6AM first, then I got up at 5:30AM and then 5AM, and then I was up at 4:30AM - so I could get more reading in!! It's exhilarating!!) make a list of the thing you want to get done today. Work from a list and force yourself to write everything down. When you complete an item on the list, take a pen and strike through the item. There is a great sense of relief and excitement to seeing things knocked off the list. Even if it is small - like calling the paper to cancel delivery!!

7. Eat right. Exercise too. With stress - and let's face it - we are STRESSED out to the MAX!!!! We need relief. Food may become our addiction. Don't let it. Many women become binded up inside - if you know what I mean. You feel bloated - which puts you in a bad mood. Well, men have this problem too. But it is more prevalent with women. So watch out what you eat. Watch out for cheeses, pastas and fatty foods at this time.And exercise. Even if you just do sit-ups, squats, or push ups, do something. Exercise is important now.

8. When reading in the morning, try to get close to a window with the sunrising. You will absolutely see the prettiest sunrises ever AND there is something magic in the morning about the sun coming up and in through the window, first thing in the morning. I am beating this reading and morning thing to death because when I have given this advice to others, and they followed it, they have become BRAND new people. But you have to MAKE THIS A HABIT and NEVER LEAVE IT. I left it. I became lazy. It was because I started staying up past 9;45PM at night. I was too busy and it affected my life - in a bad way.

9. Get out of the house if you are working from home. Even if it is to go to have coffee outside the home. Get out and see people, if you don't work or work from home.

10. Write out affirmations. And say them out loud. Do this in the morning. Affirmations are positive, present tense, and personal (3 P's). There is magic in writing them and saying them out loud 0 with a touch of enthusiasm. Do these 10 every day AND Watch your life TURN AROUND. You will feel good. You will attract positive things and people to you. Live each day as ONE BIG POSITIVE affirmation.

11. Turn off your car radio if going to work or just driving around. Listen to Anthony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Brian Tracy or someone who will teach you how to think better. Listen to someone positive and optimistic or educational. The average person drives over 7 hours a week. That's 364 hours a week. That's 9 forty hour work weeks in your car or 2 to 4 university semesters you could be using to learn something new just by driving around!!

12. Go To Al-Anon. Only they will know what you are going through. However, watch the negative talk you find yourself doing after the first 10 meetings. While you want to vent, you want to shift the spot light off the alcoholic and on to yourself!!!

13. Stop hanging around people who pull you down. Really really stop. No matter who they are. Do not get sucked into a negative conversation. Stop if it happens by saying, "Let talk about this person's positive traits today." or say, "Let's talk about what we are going to do to become better people." Or - just say, "I have got to go - I forgot I had to do something." Avoid negative people like the plague.

14. Cultivate an "Attitude of Gratitude." Stop talking about negative things and look for the good in all things ad people. This is an attitude of gratitude. Say, "I am grateful because of _____ ." If you write this out - and think about what you are grateful for, you will focus your energies on the positive. Even if you have to say, "Thank you God, that I did not become the alcoholic." As horrible as that might sound, think about it. What if this was you? What if you became the person with the addiction? "Oh my God!" is what I said, when I asked myself this question. And I said to myself, "This thing "- that happened to my wife - "was perhaps my wake up call." (I stopped drinking completely - just in case it was a wake up call from God) I am grateful that I did not get such a terrible disease. So now I am thinking about little things I take for granted: I am thankful that I have a house with a good roof. I am thankful I have a computer and I can type with my fingers. I am thankful I can see! I am grateful for ____. Dr. Martin Seligman (that Positive guy who studied optimism) found an attitude of gratitude is singularly responsible for authentic happiness, and living a long life.

15. Make your mind up that this IS the only life you are going to have on this earth. No matter how bad you feel - you are going to FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. Pretend if you have to. You are going to act like you are happy, and you are going to act like you are positive, and you are going to act like you are the nicest and best person in the world. You are going to act saintly. When you "act" - you find yourself truly acting and feeling better. It's a psychology tool you can use. When you are feeling down, pretend you are an actor and have to act a part or role. It changes you in about 5 minutes of acting and pretending. Further, let's you and I stop thinking about and conjuring up all the crap we have lived with and gone through. Let's you and I take all the crap we have gone through and bury it - let's really bury it!! You and I are going to visualize it all being stuff into a large sack - one item at a time - getting stuffed into that sack. And you are going to bury it in the backyard - deep in a hole - never to be unearthed ever again. Visualize this - try it and see it happening. You may have to bury this crap (visualize this) 10 or 20 times before it take affect.

16. Last - never be too proud to say "I am sorry." If you have a hard time with these words - try these "I apologize." Say it with strength and say it with conviction. There is power in these two words "I apologize." No more. No explaining. Just those words. For men - who think apologizing is weak - it is the opposite. Only the strong can apologize. And take this too; Say, "I appreciate you."

I write this post for me today and I hope for you too got something out of it.

PS - Remember this is all for you. This is a get-well program for you. The addict is never mentioned here. When your loved one sees changes in you, he or she will be - let's say - fascinated.

PPS - And there are some friends who are reading this - who have addictions - You too can practice these 12 tools and have tremendous results I believe. There is nothing "super ordinate" about these practices.
I can tell you these do take time. But the pay off is feeling better and you will see your life turn around.