Friday, February 6, 2009

So Real Quick, Here's Where I Am

OKAY. I have so been so busy with work, I have not been able to go to any Al-Anon meetings, until this week and last weekend.

I am - well - I am not sure. My wife has been stirred up by her lawyer to go to court and not mediate. I want this to end.

We are fighting about house price, splitting of money, and wait 'til you hear this; who has to pay for the dog's baths and haircuts! Yep. Apparently the $80 a month haircuts I was screaming about when I was living in the house are now an issue for my soon-to-be ex-spouse. I used to say that our dog doesn't need an $80 haircut every month. But my wife, in her disease liked to spend the money.

My haircut, for the record is $16. Somehow I feel gypped (robbed, second class). And I would stretch that haircut to 5 weeks if I could brush the hair back around my ears.

I have in the past 5 months decided a haircut every 3 weeks is what I need.

Haircuts. What?!
Yep. Haircuts. Listen to what I was doing. I certainly had/have enough money for them. But I would not treat myself well. Interesting. Even as I write this, a haircut every 3 weeks sounds like pampering.

Speaking of pampering . . .
I met someone who asked me if I ever had a facial. "A what?!" was my reply. I found out through my scientific investigation that a lot of men get facials. And, get this, massages.

Yep. Never have. Maybe I should consider this. It's hard to allow other people to touch me. It feels. sounds, well, awkward.

Back to the meetings this week . . .
I am resentful. I want - well - peace. I saw this in my mind sitting there in the meetings yesterday and day before. My thinking is, without the meetings; "My wife is selfish and that is the disease. I cannot get untangled from this crazy person. She is pissed at times accusing me of abandoning her. Maybe I have. Maybe I freed myself from her so I could get well. I started off with the intention of protecting my/our child."

In the meetings, I see that I wound up seeing more clearly how I am the person I wound up protecting or saving. I am clearly better than I was living in the crazy zone.

I am - this is going to sound weird - more in touch with my feelings. This too comes from the meetings and sitting there, feeling myself and allowing the feelings come through and not cover them up. I know I am afraid of shit now. And that my anger or sharpness is based on fear. Fear seems to be at the root of my bad reactions and negative thoughts.

Don't get me wrong. I am a pretty happy person. I am positive - most of the time. But until this stuff is settled, I feel like I have an iron ball and chain around my leg.

Hmmmmm . . . .
"What if, this is meant to teach me something?" I now think this about question more often when something happens. "What if God, my Higher Power, has a plan for me. One I cannot see yet?" is the other question I get in my brain because of meetings.

That is what Al-Anon reminded me of this week. That I cannot see the plan - yet. Be patient. It all works out. Remember?

Last Night - at 3AM
Last night, no that's not true, this morning, I awoke. Yep, 3AM again. I asked God for help again. Guide me through this I asked. Help my wife and heal her anger. Heal her disease. Make her a happy person.

This thought stayed with me longer than I care to admit.

I am back to praying she is well. And, she finds a boy-friend. Yep. Maybe that would help her take her attention away from shoot arrows at me. The boy-friend thing is better than thinking of her being dead. You have to at least give me that.

Well, this morning I am praying for her to get well.

There was a reading yesterday in Al-Anon, about thinking. Someone shared "My best thinking got me into this mess. Now I don't go into that bad neighborhood alone anymore. I call my sponsor." I heard the " best thinking" thing before as well as the "neighborhood" thing. At least we are consistent at Al-Anon. Maybe not fresh in the new-idea department, but consistent.

Peace this day to you.

And this is where I am today.


Anonymous said...

I read your blog regularly and you have be an inspiration for me. Your turmoil is reasonable and going back to one day at a time or minute at a time is sometimes where we have to be. We think we are so evolved with the program but contact with the alcoholic sends us right back to square one (sober or not). For me it helps to imagine God's love surrounding myself and the other person together. A healing light. This is not easy to start but gets easier. Because I am hard headed my lessons have to take me down to show me my powerlessness. My will or God's will I lose every time. There is a plan P351 C to C God is not limited by our lack of imagination.

Syd said...

I'm sorry Joe. It sounds like a mess. I have often wondered why, if not for the legal system, marriage would occur. It's a legal nightmare. I hope that you find some peace of mind from all of this. I've never been in a divorce but I've lived in hell with my marriage for many years. I found some peace in meetings and now with my wife sober, things are much better. We actually love each other again. Amazing.

Cat said...

Joe - it all seems so messy, and depending on how you and your ex partner deal with messiness I imagine it oculd get ugly as well.

Hold on, there is an end somewhere in it all.

Anonymous said...

Joe you have my sympathy. There are some moments in life that are so dark we find ourselves wishing for the death of the alcoholic. Been there, lived that, got the T-shirt to prove it. The idea of a boyfriend has merit though!

Don't forget about the serenity prayer. I have been using it a lot for the past few months because it is so simple and is always applicable. That word courage is in there for a reason. "The courage to change the things I can". You are in the middle of some messy shit right now but if you have courage and keep plugging it will all resolve itself eventually. If you give in to your fear, you will just be rolling over and dying yourself. Don't let her trick you and get in your head with that "you are abandoning me" shit. You are right she abandoned you for alcohol. Fight as hard as you can for as much as you can but accept it may not all come out the way you wanted it to. Easy for me to say right? All you can do is your best.

You can't change the past, that she wrote checks to herself from your account. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. It is in the past now, forgive YOURSELF for not having been more vigilant.

You have the courage to change, because you have taken the first step in the direction you want to go, away from the alcoholic. That is healthy, just keep on keeping on. And we all know you have the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and cannot change. It just gets a little foggy sometimes when the alcoholic is provoking you.

I hope you get some good meetings in.


Anonymous said...

I am - this is going to sound weird - more in touch with my feelings.

Sound weird? No, not at all. This is Al-Anon. That is the point.

Good luck in recovery. Keep the focus on YOU!

The Albatross said...

Hi, I am new, and just wanted to say that your blog is really helping me. My issues too revolve around financial instability... with a dry drunk/ACOA spouse who continues a pattern of dishonesty. I think he may really be one of those that is incapable... but am praying for him. I got rocked by a couple of revelations about the time you did, and have been following along on your blog as you work through and work your program of recovery here. I just wanted to let you know, that your honest and candid posts, are helping me and that you are making a difference even as you are walking through this difficult time. Thank you Joe for your efforts here, and may God bless you.

Lee said...

Hi Joe, I have commented a couple of times about how your blog helps me find peace. You and I are going through incredibly similar situations. The difference seems to be that I have much more hard of injuries to me, DUI, rehab (more than once). However, the way the legal system works it is still a battle to get custody of my daughter. Like you, I want it over, but am now at the point where I have to suck up the distaste for this thing and do what I have to do for my daughter. Witnesses to her being intoxicated go a long way in the eyes of the court. Angry phone messages from her. Witnesses to her driving intoxicated, especially with a child in the car, go a long way. Be willing to put her friends on the spot...I have been amazed by how they are willing to do the right thing to protect a child, even though they are friends with my alcoholic. Subpoenas can be pretty powerful. It is all about protecting the child, not whether you abandoned her or not. She abandoned you to the bottle. I know this isn't the feel good, find peace response and you don't need to post it unless you want to. This is mainly for you. I have been too nice and too understanding for too long and I am fed up. Just know that you are not alone out there. Do whatever you have to do for your daughter, and if that means "going ugly" then so be it. It will be worth it in the long run. Your ex doesn't seem to be holding back so neither should you.