A Sign?

In my hometown, I was jogging and I came across this sign. I stopped in mid tracks, startled. And then I looked up laughing and said, "I got it. Okay, I got it!"

This was the day after I was affirming the same words in a notebook, in a three day management meeting. The VERY same words.

I just had to take this picture . . .

(The labels for this are interesting)

Good Thoughts

I have not posted in about 2 weeks. I took a mini-vacation. Today I am realizing how most everything I think about reverberates throughout the universe.

My life is what my thoughts have been.

Or said another way, "My life is due to what I think about."

If I change my thinking - remove any negative thinking - I can become happier, more positive and acheive serenity.

Today I am thinking good thoughts.

Maturity

A great reading the other day. It came from a free Al-Anon pamphlet. The discussion leader read the 16 things behind maturity.

The next week, different meeting, and I swear, I don't recall seeing this person at the previous meeting, held the same exact discussion. He copied the pamphlet and left it in the center of the room. Which of course is the Al-Anon way of saying, "You don't have to pick it up and read it." Of course this another way of not trying to exert ones behavior or opinion on another.

And of course we all jumped up and grabbed a copy.

But this morning I am writing about "maturity" too.

I read a "non conference approved book" this morning. But there are many things I now read that relates to Al-Anon.

Here is the quote:

"Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

There is solace in knowing this. Whatever the hell "solace" means. Who says "solace" by the way? A blogger without a large vocabulary. Ahhhhh, sarcasm, used against the self - a false modesty and humbleness.

In the past couple of days, I realized I am getting hooked again. My immaturity and seeking certain outcomes - sometimes by forcing solutions and attaching my self-worth to the outcome is getting me into a little trouble. I am "fighting" by arguing. I love a good debate. I seek it out in many ways. I can cut through a person's words and sentences and even the sentence structure (even though I suck at English grammar) just to "win." But it only occurs when someone "attacks me."

What are people doing when people attack me?

I am renting a nice 4 or depending who you ask - a 5 bedroom house. My "other" house is paid off and that is where my Whenever to be ex lives. It is expensive and well -worth a lot of money - AND paid off. I am a saver of money. Spend thrift. Well, I got trigger because my landlord - to whom I pay A LOT of mullah to (that's money in English slang), stated in a friggin' email that I was not "allowing Realtors to 'show' the house. and that I should Section 3 of the contract."

Well, dear Joseph, my ugly side, read Section 3. I am not an attorney, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once, shot back reread Section 3 and pointed out certain words and phrases like "appropriate times" and "consideration" and etc. And I shoved that across the Internet cable like a grenade going up their you know what.

I was triggered. I felt "how dare they?" I have more money that them. I busted my ass all my life and now I am stuck in a rented home having them tell me that realtors can come anytime they want to (some want to come at 6PM at night while I am eating dinner or changing clothes and I said "No." I would have said, Okay before and sacrificed myself and well-being and my needs for people I don't even know. But now, with Al-Anon programming, I am a worthwhile person and I COME FIRST so don't fuck with me. Okay Al-Anon does not say "don't fuck with me." But I am worthy. And I do come first. So now I say "No" without much guilt. Whereas before, guilt would leap around for several hours in my brain on a trampoline.

So, they are pissed I am making the realtor work around my schedule. Well, tough. I read Section 3. And .....

Isn't life grand? Life gives me all sorts of tests. Major and minor to test my maturity. Life equals reality. Al-Anon teaches me to experience reality and be mature. Also to act mature. And realize I am not perfect and that's okay.

Just In: What If . . . ?

In Al-Anon I learn NOT to ask "What if?"

But "what if?"

What if I didn't judge? What if I didn't judge myself? What if I didn't judge others?

What if I could eliminate my judgment of myself and others? What would that look like?

++++++++++++++++++++

It is a thought that cannot just be read. I really have to feel it. When I do this, I am "released."

A Strange Thing I Do That Helps

Something that I do that REALLY helps me, is I take a great book (non-fiction, self-help, or Al-Anon) and read it with a Yellow Highlighter.

What is different that just normally highlighting the book, is I buy a spiral bound notebook and copy many of the sentences and passages into the notebook.

I started doing this every morning 20 years ago. I started with library books before Barnes and Nobles was on every corner and when Amazon was just a river.

I did this every morning for about an hour or two.

What happened is truly amazing. I started with business books. And what happened over the course of about 3 years was my life, my career took off. I knew more on the subject of business than my peers and my managers recognized I "had something." (maybe a little arrogance)

I did this with self help - from speaking to how your mind works to time management to leadership and management. All this helped me to be positive.

Every morning I would be walking on air. My head was swirling before I went into the office.

I would be so much better in my thinking and so much more control in my thinking about thinking.

My reactions to others would be so much more in check and balance.

But somewhere over the past few months I have gotten away from doing this every morning. I stopped going to bed at 9:30PM.

I started this again this morning. Just grabbing a spiral bound notebook and rewriting passages - and it is truly amazing . . . .

This cheap gift has helped me and my thinking once more. I feel - well - unburdened - enlightened. It is like - how can I explain - like I am light headed - in touch - happier, peaceful, aware, cognizant of my surroundings . . . It's like affirming, and meditating, at the same time as seeking the truth and knowledge of the universe. You become - well - One with your thinking and your HP.

When I travel I do/did the same - whether at Starbucks or McDonald's - again - early in the morning, concentrating, writing or rewriting these sentences, really grasping the meaning behind the words. Amazed that the author could capture the idea and concept so clearly in just a sentence or two.

I urge you to try this. Whether with Al-Anon books or self-help or your profession . . .

I think you will be amazed. By the way, and again - this might seem obsessive - the best notebooks are at Walmart during the time when school comes in. You can buy them for 15 cents a piece by Norcom - 70 pages. Weird that I would know this I know. But what would expect from a person affected by alcoholism? Or is it because I am just weird? Probably weird.

Try this - you will be amazed

A Great Quote - That Says It All

Can't remember where I read it - but here it is. A great quote, that says it all:

"Don't make the common mistake of believing what you think."

One of my problems right now.

In fact, my only real problem.

Here is a poem I read and think about. I heard it from a Canadian - now a US citizen - named Brian Tracy.

The third - is it "stanza?" - or "verse?" - is less known.

I have this somewhat memorized - especially the second verse, beginning with - "Life is queer with it's twists and turns . . ." This rings true for me. It reminds me that things that seem bad now - are not really bad in the long run. In fact, they turn out to be good.

The poem has gotten me through some tough parts of life. I opened up on of my repeatable journals - books where I copy text and make notes of certain books I like and reread them - and saw this poem this morning.

It made me feel good. Read this, print it out and post it on your refrigerator or in your journal. I think you may be able to use this.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Author Unknown -

Birds of a Feather

I picked up a favorite little series of books I took with me to this home this morning. It's James Allen's series starting with "As A Man Thinkth."

His second book in the series is "The Path to Prosperity."

In the section "Making Judgment of Others" his writes;

"And as we clothe both events and objects with our own thoughts, so likewise do we clothe the souls of others in the garments of our thoughts.

The suspicious believe everybody to be suspicious; the liar feels secure in thought that he is not so foolish as to believe that there is such a phenomenon as a strictly truthful person; . . .

. . . On the other hand, those who dwell in loving thoughts, see that in all calls forth their love and sympathy; the trusting and honest are not troubled by suspicions; the good-natured and charitable who rejoice at the good fortune of others, scarcely know what envy means; and he who has realized the Devine within himself recognizes it in all beings, even in the beasts.

And men and women are confirmed in their mental outlook because of the fact that, by law of cause and effect, they attract to themselves that which they set forth, so come in contact with people similar to themselves. The old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together," has deeper significance than is generally attached to it, for in the thought-world as in the world of matter, each clings to its kind.

Do you wish for kindness? Be kind.
Do you wish for truth? Be true.
What you give of yourself you will find;
The world is a reflex of you.

The greatest discovery to me is "We become what we think about." A variation of this is, that is also powerful is, "What we think about, we attract."

This little books was written a 100 years ago, way before the book and video "The Law of Attraction."

I hope you find peace today and tomorrow. Live in today and think and be what you want to be.

Have a great weekend.

Here is a link to James Allen's works: http://www.jamesallenlibrary.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=1

Training My Mind

Al Anon, Self Help, Mind Training

I have always been a firm believer that I can just about anything if I train my mind. Yes - train.

Think about that for a minute. Usually when I read words like this - I say, "Yes, of course. I can train my mind." Maybe you do to. Think about this a little differently today. And I hope by using this analogy, I will help you.

Think of a puppy. Yep. A dog. Think about this puppy yipping, running a little wild, and - I'm sorry - but here it comes - peeing all around your house. Yep. Peeing. Going to the bathroom. All over.

Well - that is your mind. Running around, yipping and peeing (or worse - but let's not get vulgar) all around your house - er, your mind. Now sometimes this little mind of yours (ours/mine) is very playful and I believe that's okay, but it would be better if you could control your mind to be playful WHEN you wish it to play - not at random.

I read - somewhere - that "The mind is a great servant, but horrible master." Think and reflect on this statement.

A great servant. You mean, it is my servant? It does not order me around? Yep. That's right. But we've never been taught that it is our servant. We've been taught - maybe not directly - that the mind is in control. Well, that maybe partially true. But there is a big part of our mind that runs rampant, out of control. But there is another part, that wants to control that part of our mind - or should I say - CAN control. We just have to make it a habit - to control and eliminate this crazy thinking, random thought process.

This crazy part of our minds, worries, conjures up fears, and worse, plays these out in our minds. I am sitting in a hotel now, but there is some quote from I think it was Mark Twain, that talks about 90 percent of my fears never occurred.

I found this one from Mr. Twain;
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. ~Mark Twain

Anyway - how do you stop fear and worry?

Answer? Easy - look for the initial signs as the thought enters your mind. And then - recognize it (Awareness) - and - eliminate it through self-talk. Say "Stop. You are not going to enter my mind." And then laugh at it. And say, "There you are!" Making it a joke or laughing, and doing this one little thing - as a habit - can help you recognize this coming in. Seeing - visualizing - this part of your mind - the voice coming in from someone you don't care for - and visualizing their face and then taking a Sharpie Marker (you know - the one that never erases off furniture or the white board) and drawing a clown's face on the person as the person is talking fear and worry in your mind - (draw a big clown's nose, Bozo red hair, and BIG ears etc.) will help you. TRUST ME on this.

And laugh as it tries to enter.

Then turn away to something else more positive or a list of actions you have to get done in the next hour.

Getting busy - one of the key terms in Al-Anon - is what leads us to happiness, for happiness is a by-product of doing something else. If you aim for happiness - in my little opinion and what I have read and researched - you will have difficulty in finding it. If you focus on the efforts of the things you have to do - aiming toward what you desire - but again - focusing on the efforts and finding joy in the efforts - this can lead to happiness.

Eliminating negativity starts with training your mind. Yep. Training. Back to the puppy analogy. Maybe not my best analogy. Maybe it is. But you hopefully now understand, you are the MASTER and no longer have to be servant to it getting fed bad food (thoughts).

"Gee, Thanks for Sharing."

Al-Anon - a good one liner for people trying to provoke us.

I must admit, I stole this one liner. I stole it from the website - Loveandlogic.com

The website is about raising children and has some great articles. One of the articles is about "tease proofing" our children. The article discusses how a 2nd grade teacher taught his class a "cool look" and how to maintain it when being teased. It also gave a one-liner for the child to say back to the tormentor.

The one-liner "Thanks for sharing."

I thought, "How cool."

I was hooked by my qualifier last week. I engaged. I retorted. I gave my rebuttal.

But I lost serenity. Not a good trade.

It happened again yesterday when she called and told me how "unnice" I am.

Well, the next time someone says something that may trigger me, I am going to say, "Thanks for sharing." with no hostility or anger or sarcasm. I need to work on the cool look though. My child says I look anything but cool. "Geez, thanks for sharing!"

For more on my stealing here is the pdf http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/teaseproof.pdf

Our Pain

Eckhart Tolle and his book "A New Earth" can, I believe, help us in our recovery. However, I want to point out that Al-Anon approved literature is critically important to our recovery. One of the reasons to use and read and discuss Al-Anon approved literature is because it relates directly to our situation of dealing with our qualifiers who have addictions and specifically, alcohol. Secondly, it keeps us all from introducing new material that dilutes that material everyone else is reading which can make our lives even more confusing and - what we need least of all - more chaos.

However . . .

Today and probably a few more posts, I am going to refer to this book by Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth." and hopefully provide some thoughts I what I have found to be interesting and helpful, at least to me.

The book talks about our pain (referred to as "pain-body"). That this is a negative emotion that could be picked up from our childhood, or from a collective group unconsciousness (such as Native American Indians and their treatment by early European settlers - this is not meant to be a political statement or argument, but just to be used to provide an example).

Often, we do not see this pain-body or pain we have suffered. And we have not dealt with it in a manner that corrects or least resolves it. The pain we keep and feel is fed by our thoughts.

It is only by being conscious in the present that we can relieve this pain. By thinking about the past, and dredging up the problem, we feed the pain. We need to figure out how to stay focused in the present. By thinking about the future, we also feed the pain. It gets larger and larger as we allow our minds to worry (think about the past and the future).

It is hard to worry if you are staying in the present with your thoughts. I - personally - am a big violator of this message. And it has only been through Al-Anon that I learned the pain I am suffering is because thinking about and visualizing the future. I sometimes grieve and pull up the past, and say, unconsciously, "if only."

Back to the book . . .

The pain-body can no longer control your thinking if you don't identify with it and can no longer control your thinking and therefore your emotions. This is a huge task for us to work on.

If you - we - can sever the link between it (the pain-body) and your thinking, the pain-body loses its energy. Your thinking ceases to be clouded by emotions; your present perceptions are no longer distorted by the past. The past can be made up of the real suffering we experienced, as well as the imagined suffering caused by playing the negative event(s) over and over again in our minds. This replaying of negative events has fed the pain-body and has kept us from living the joyful life we were meant to live out.

Now this may be easier for some. Because we are in circumstances currently that overwhelms us in an alcoholic environment. We seek answers and control over a situation we are not in control of. We tell ourselves that if we "let go" that we are not doing our duty to help the other person. And we learn - but hate to hear - we cannot fix another person's addiction.

For others, who are not living in the alcoholic environment, we are still affected by it. We are "sensitized" to stimuli that conjures up the past. Or, we think about the past. Or we react, reflexively as if the past was occurring all over again.

How do we recover?
Well, one way, as I mentioned, is staying present. Stay in the Now. This keeps us from feeding the pain with thoughts.

Second way to recover, forgiveness. True forgiveness. Forgive everyone you meet. Forgive everyone who offended you. As Tolle points out, "your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges-the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light."

My Recovery

I need to let you know I made a slight change to the blog subtitle. You may have noticed it - you may not have . . . It's minor and major . . .

The major part is now titled; "The Story of My Recovery"

I cannot even remember exactly what it was before. I think it was; "My Life Living With An Alcoholic."

I changed this subtitle a few weeks ago. More on this later . . .

I just thought I'd let you know.

Our Emotional Responses

I am trying more than ever, to recognize how my thinking triggers my emotions and therefore, my responses.

I have known this for a long time, that; event triggers thinking, past thinking or conditioning interprets the event, and the thinking triggers the body or emotion, which triggers the reaction, which triggers more thinking. A loop if you will.

Since my qualifier has become worse in her addiction, I recognize how I react and reacted to issues and situations through my emotions. AND importantly, how the reactions and emotions can now be changed by going to the source.

And the source is NOT my qualifier (Okay, in truth, the source is my qualifier). But I cannot control my qualifier, but I can control my thinking and my interpretation of the event or statement or circumstance.

These are "triggers." If I can interpret the "triggers" differently - that is, not to identify the trigger with me or who I am, I then can choose how I allow my body to react (aka emotion).

Our mind - or our voices in our mind - can be allowed to run rampantly, like untamed, wild horses, - if we allow our mind to do so. These voices usually drift into a dysfunctional rant. And the voice, if allowed, becomes more trained in its dysfunctional rant, because it knows what buttons to push inside of your head. And, then, when you qualifier "tests" you, he/she finds these same buttons. And you have the internal voice not supporting you and the trigger from the qualifier hitting these buttons of doubt and anger and fear - you react emotionally. The reaction starts with your thinking which jumps to the body - a flight or fight type response. The body responds with chemicals and triggers emotions - or emotional responses.

Soon, if we continue to allow this to happen, the neural pathway becomes a neural superhighway, because the path widens and deepens with events and - and this is important - replaying the negative events over and over in our minds. You see, the mind and body cannot tell the difference between a real experience or an experience played out in our minds.

So one negative event that actually occurs, becomes a negative event the occurs ten more times because we replay it in our minds. And this is not good!

Solution
We need to think about this. When we have an event, we need to reframe it. And we need to disassociate from it. We need to put space between the event and the reaction.

Space can be time. Don't respond or react. Go out of the room. Go for a run. Go for a walk. Put time space between the event and your response.

Space can be dissassociation from the event. We can not allow ourselves to associate with it or allow it to become part of our identity. That is, not allow it to "be us." We are not the event. We are not our labels. We are certainly not what others label us. Just be. We just are.

Space is also, staying present. Staying in the now. Now means not allowing us to think about the past or the future. Stay present. Think about right now. NOW.

Another Little Solution
Observe the voices in your head. I read somewhere, that if you place a rubber band on your wrist, and pulled it back and snapped it against your wrist every time you had a negative thought you can really see and observe how many negative thoughts you have in a day.

Now I never tried this, but as soon as I find a rubber band, I am going to do this!!! You will be able to identify me in the airport this afternoon - I will be the guy with the welts on his wrist.

Your Own Worst Critic

Thursday's Post - Created Late Wednesday Night
We think that our own worst critic is the alcoholic. Or we think it is the alcoholic's relative(s). We may think it is someone at work. Or someone else.

In all of the above people, the worst critic is none of these listed above.

Our own worst critic is . . . drum roll please!!!

Our own worst critic is, you guessed it, ourselves. It is that little voice we have going off inside our heads trying to remind us that we are "less-than" - and winds up beating down any self-esteem and confidence we have. It goes like this;

"How could you have done such a stupid thing?"

This voice is our voice, but it can be someone elses words. No matter, because it wears us down. And it can replay it over and over. It is this voice and the mental mental images that also get played out in our mind, that make us less-than what we are capable of being and less-than what we want and deserve.

Let me ask you this;

If you had a friend who talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would that person continue to be your friend?

Do I Think? Or Is It Just Happening To Me?

Do I think? Or does thinking just happen?

We all have a little voice going on in our head. Sometimes the little voice runs rampant, depending on the circumstances. Many of us allow the little voice to run around shouting words of fear, anger, worry, pain, and the like. It runs around as naturally as blood circulates in our veins. "It just happens."

Control
In Al-Anon, I have learned that much of the program is "quieting" that little voice or controlling the voice and thought patterns. I hate the word control word now, but I really think the word is a great word in reality, but we can "CONTROL" the voice in our heads.

Obviously, "control" has negative connotations - because we are called "control freaks" and "controlling." I want to say this, about that . . .

Control is a natural outgrowth and coping tool in the chaotic environment we live in, with active alcoholism or inactive. So, first don't allow yourself to feel guilty about this. It is okay to have been controlling. Unfortunately, it slipped into other areas of our lives, and it slipped into areas where we really have no control over. In Al-Anon we learn to recognize this and we learn that it frustrates our relationships, dampens growth in others, and we learn it actually hurts us. It gives us a false sense of self. But . . .

We can control the voice in our head. And we should try!!

Our mind is conditioned by the past. our past is how we were brought up; religion, political party, our thoughts and beliefs about money, sex, people, race, where to live, how to live, cars to buy, clothes to where, hair cut to get, food to eat, food to cook, places to eat, and so on. Can you see and think back to where we got the silliest of ideas and notions?

The Toilet Paper Example (I have your attention don't I?)
These thoughts and previous programming comes even right down to which side of to the toilet paper we hang on the bathroom wall? You know, with the end or beginning of the roll facing toward the wall or away from the wall. Would you believe that I an away from the wall hanger of toilet paper, whereas my qualifier is an in/toward the wall hanger and we EVEN had a discussion that I should hang it her way! AND to tell you the truth I DID! Because it was SO important to her! I laugh now. But, think about our crazy habits and conditioning. We all have them!

So, because our mind is conditioned and conditioned means "habit" to a large degree, we tend to reenact the past again and again. EVEN when we know the desired effects are not possible and the typical effects of the past behavior and thoughts are or can be disastrous! So why not learn to control your mind (or your thoughts)? The term of reenacting the past is called "karma." You know it from Eastern religion/ or philosophy.

Identification With The Voice
We are identifying with the "voice." And often the "voice" is someone we have learned or know to dislike! For example: the voice may be one of our parents. What they said to us when we were small. We now know it is wrong. But we have replayed their "voice" and their "words" in our head for so long that the words are automatic and!!!! - devastating. It can be a voice from a past boss we didn't like. Or a past "friend" who "evaluated" us, and although we knew it (whatever they said, to be untrue, we learned to replay the words over and over again, until we started acting it out. Here are some ideas that might be floating around in your head:

1. You never finish anything you do.
2. You can't cook.
3. Look what you've made me do!
4. How come you can't do anything right?
5. Why are you always late?
6. You're not the brightest bulb in the drawer.
7. How come John can do this and you can't?
8. You're just not good at math.
9. You can't sing (play sports, play an instrument, etc)
10. You're too old (too young, too . . .)

Get it?

But this voice, and these words, are NOT you! You have allowed them to BECOME you! You have allowed the voice to program you thoughts and control your thoughts and control your interactions with others! These are crazy voices - words that are UNTRUE. But because you BELIEVED them to be true, the words fit the patterns and you behaved in a manner fitting these words, and actions and interactions reinforced these words and made them believable, or more believable.

Does this make sense? Does this describe anyone you know?

Positive Affirmations
Would you like to change these patterns? Once you know this - "the past = the future" - you can change by interrupting the mind, and the words, and replace the old words with new words. You can do this by rearranging the words above - and AFFIRM the new positive behavior or thought;

1. I complete the projects and the things that are important to ME.
2. I can cook. I cook great meals.
3. I don't make anyone do anything. People do things on their on accord.
.
.
.

You get the idea? Positive affirmations are excellent.

Going to Al-Anon meetings and discussing the voices and words in our head enlightens us and reminds us that we are not the past. We are not the voice we hear. We can become, positive, more fully functioning human beings.

I hope you see and sense that we have extraordinary possibilities.

I am going to leave this post up a few days, as I think this is key to our recovery.

Worry - Part 4 (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy)

Today - you get double WHAMMY. Two posts for the price of one!

Okay, as you all know, my favorite term in the world is, "self-fulfilling prophecy." Every time I see this term I realize how significant a role this plays in my life up to now and every single day.

Your subconscious believes the information you pick up (from sight, smell, sound, etc) and stores is true, whether it is true or not. And each time you replay this event or thought in your head, it gets recorded as reality all over again. This rerecording each time you play it in your head, creates and reinforces a dominant belief. You see, you see things not as they are, but as you perceive them to be. That is, because of past conditioning (what you learned to be true from parents, church, school, politics, etc.), you see things through a lens or filter. You interpret the information based upon your beliefs and this reinforces and supports what you already believe in. Does this make sense? THIS IS SO TERRIBLY IMPORTANT.

In other words, if there is conflicting information that goes against what you already "know" as true, you discard it. You discard it out of hand. In 90% of the time, you discard it so quickly, you don't even know that you've tossed it aside, no matter how much you believe you are "open to new ideas."

And so with worry, we tend to look for the worry situation, and act out, and look for the "events" or "patterns" that would reinforce the thing we are worried about.

Here is an example; Let's say your believe your boss does not like you. So, you watch her eyes. She doesn't look at you. Now you know she doesn't like you. Now you ask her how her day is. She says, "It's fine." as she scoots past you in the hallway. She really doesn't have time for you - you say to yourself. This reinforces your nervousness. You now begin to worry about it. You replay the event over and over. You tell your friend of this matter. And of course, not being a trained therapist, they say something like, "Maybe you should look for another job" or "Maybe you should have said, "Hello" this way or that way. This doesn't help because now you are really screwed up. You practice saying "Hellow" now. You sound like a moron. You say "Hellow" now to her and she looks at you wondering if you swallowed a cat, because this doesn't sound like you any more. You see her face and you interpret it as "Jeez I sound like a moron." Now you replay this event in your head.

You don't ask her how she is the next time, because "she doesn't have time for you" or "you don't want to sound like a moron" - so your thinking goes. She (the boss) now wonders, "What the heck is up with her?" You now see that face and interpret it negatively of course.

Now you are insane with fret. So of course you do the next logical thing, you don't look at her at the next meeting. She (the boss) wonders, "Why is she so obstinate?" Now it comes time for you to present to her. You know she doesn't like you. She now thinks you don't like her.

In another meeting it's your turn to present your stuff. She doesn't like what you are presenting, or she says something that you interpret as not liking the entire presentation and in reality, it's just the one message, and . . .

"Voila!" You are now in trouble, because you redo the entire prez. And she now doesn't like any of it. And, again, "Tres voila!" You be in trouble girl-friend.

Do you see this in your life - any where? I do!

Worry - Part 2 (My Formula to Eliminate It?)

At Al-Anon we are provided tools and new thoughts to deal with the worry we sometimes have. At one meeting we talked about "Change" and dealing with "crap." I think "crap" was the euphemism for "Problems." Although the word, "crap," may be a more offensive word - I think it is more accurate.

I was surprised how many people spoke of getting up in the morning and dreading the day. They got up thinking about problems. I thought about this several times over the past week or so since this meeting. Why was it that people got up in the morning thinking about problems and worrying about the crap? Why was this their first thought of the day?

And, did I used to think about the crap or dread the day? Truthfully, I think I did. I think I used to think about the problems I was faced with.

But more importantly, why didn't I think I think about problems or dread the day any more?

These questions are extremely personal - and what I mean by this is - I am not judging myself as better than those who think about problems when they first get up in the morning. I am just trying to figure out when and where I made that shift - from thinking about problems to thinking about and doing - "jumping out of the bed" excited about the day.

Yes, getting out of the bed has been a little tougher lately, due to the problem I am facing.

But, I do not worry or dread the day. Why?

I am thinking this out loud this morning - "Why?"

I think I do a few things that may help you. It is important that I recognize that when I don't do them, my morning is off kilter (what the hell is a kilter?). My morning is like the static on an old TV (remember before we had cable?). These two sentences are meant to reinforce to me to make sure I do these. The most important one is the subject of today's post.

Read Something Inspirational for One Hour Each Morning
First, and I know this has been a life saving event for me, is that I get up early, every morning, including Saturday and Sunday. I mean, by 5AM (sure, some days are tougher, especially when there is real chaos in the house).

So why do I get up soooo early - some may ask. I do this to start my day out with reading of something "inspirational" - something "personally motivational." I reprogram my mind. I get up and study or read - if you prefer -something that is "enlightening" for at least, and I mean at least, an hour. This one thing, has turned my life around from negativity to being positive and optimistic. It has helped me build my self-esteem and my bank account. It has provided me new friends and new thoughts and views of the world. I cannot say enough about it. I can also say that humbly, I still make make mistakes and do and say stupid things. I just don't do as many as I used to - and - I feel good about myself!

But this one thing, has allowed me to gain peace. In some ways it is my meditation. It has allowed me to see the world of one of problems, to seeing the world of one of opportunities.

I first started this about - 18 years ago? I cannot remember exactly. But, I can tell you I was too poor to buy my own books, so I used to go to the library and take home five to 10 books at a time. I would first study books on leadership, management, time management, sales, marketing and self-help. These were my subjects that I was trying to improve in.

I do think this is where I went from dreading the day and thinking about problems to literally jumping out of bed with excitement that this time was mine and that I would have this all to myself.

Try this and see if it works for you. Again, I do this every day, so it has become a habit, a ritual, in my life;

Here are some finer points;

1. Set your clock 30 minutes earlier than you typically wake up. Then a week from now set it another 30 minutes earlier than this. You'll get used to it. You may have to go to bed a little earlier at night. I now get up without an alarm clock.
2. Find some very exciting book you think you would enjoy. Don't read something fictional, or something that is a downer. This is the "rudder of your day" time. It is the time of the day that you can determine which way to sail - north or south. I say - "go North" (i.e. positive).
3. I do this before the sun comes up. I love to watch the sun come up. It is a thing of beauty. I try to sit near a window facing the sun coming up (this is my little deal - may not apply to you.).
4. I sit with a spiral notebook and take notes. It's a cheap notebook. But what this does is a double whammy - I read and write. It focused my brain on the subject and forces me to see and think things I normally would skip over if I was :just" reading. This in and of itself is SUPER powerful. Even if you never go back and reread your notes, you will be surprised how this little thing helps you!
5. The notebook thing - #4 above . . . this also keeps your mind from wandering. Even if you rewrite whole passages - verbatim - from the book. Try it.
6. I drink coffee and ice water. The coffee gets me going. The water, I am not sure why I drink so much water. I just do. This one here - #6, is purely what I do. Probably not important.
7. I do this before anyone is up in the house, or the hotel I am staying in. I do not have a problem going to a McDonald's or Starbucks - even when there are 20 people running around - it's different than when people are running around you that you know, however.

I get such a kick out the morning now. Try this and see.

By the way, the book that I would recommend is a Robert Anthony book. See over to the right of this blog for the titles. Also, any Brian Tracy book. A good one is Maximum Achievement. This is a book about thinking and the universal laws of life.

There are many other books. Perhaps, you can share your books you have found enjoyable.

Good Luck this morning!

Your Intuition

In our craziness, have we lost a certain "power" we once had? I believe one of our greatest gifts is the cultivation of our intuition. But in our chaos, we seem to have lost this gift. The noise that surrounds us is too loud to allow us to get a feeling, a sense or a gut feel of what else is going on, that perhaps we cannot see, feel, hear, smell or taste.

In "Hope for Today" there is a reading that talks about intuition. It goes onto say, "in your heart you already know." It talks about this feeling as a connection with your higher power. It is the voice in which our HP may speak to us.

In a book that I opened that I always carry with me, I turned to a page, this morning, and it says this, "In your heart, you already know exactly what you want. And if you listen to your intuition, it will tell you. Your mind will sell you out, but your intuition never will. Your intuition is your connection with the Ultimate Power. Learn to trust it."

Whatever our intuition is telling us is important. We need to quiet our minds and listen. I used to love getting in the car and just driving - anywhere! It gave me a chance to think. Now with cell phones, driving to get that quiet time is difficult to obtain.

If we can get back into the habit of escaping from the noise and listen to our intuition, our intuitive voice becomes stronger. But we have to make an effort. The more we trust it, the more it will tell us.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Judging Others

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Judging Others
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/21/08 and runs to Sunday 3/23/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

I have come to learn that "judging others" can be a slippery slope. As soon as we become an expert, we start to set standards for how others should act. When they don't comply to our standards, we are insulted or feel wronged.

I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on: "Judging Others"

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Judging Others. We all do it. We size people up every day. We evaluate people's behavior in the work place and at home. We evaluate others' driving ability. We even evaluate what people eat.

We are always "sizing them up."

Now, this may sound contradictory, because nothing is ever just "black and white." Sometimes there are standards which we should enforce, especially with children. Or in situations when someone has over stepped there boundaries and is inflicting their will on you.

Good or Bad
The judging I am talking about is the evaluation of others behavior as "good" or "bad." What if we could suspend the judgement of others? And not evaluate them as "good" or "bad" and just as "is."

If you look at the chart below, I have created a pretty simple graphic. If we judge others, we go to comparing ourselves to them. How often have you said, aloud or internally, "I would never have done that?" Or, when listening, leap to the wrong conclusion by assuming the person was going to say something negative.

And worse, when you thought someone was going to say something negative about you? We've all held our breath when someone wanted to share their opinion or provide us feedback.

The Slippery Slope Down
I believe it is a slippery slope. As soon as we start to evaluate or judge, we compare them to what we have, or would do. We usually make the situation worse. We slip into blaming, criticizing and getting angry. We hold resentments and grudges. All this - when in reality - it started with us and our thoughts of "good" vs "bad" or "better" or "worse."



















To view this diagram better - click here

The Other Side - Climbing Upward
On the flip side - the bottom part of the diagram, is the opposite of judging. And this is a compassion for others and empathizing with what they may be going through. I believe everyone is carrying a burden of sorts. And if we stick with the thought of being compassionate, even in times of stress and hostility by showing the other person love, respect and courtesy we are allowing ourselves to be of "grace."

What a wonderful word, this "grace." Balance and poise. Dignity. Staying above the fray. In the end, this is actually about Courage. Courage to be yourself - your highest self.

The Negative Side
The top part of the diagram, works on our self-esteem, negatively. Which in turn affects our self-acceptance -negatively. And ultimately we begin to not accept ourselves - or said another way, we begin to find fault within us and we no longer like ourselves.

We become less accepting and loving of ourselves overtime. And soon we have resentment built up and hostility. Soon we can't sleep. We react. We respond. And nothing seems to work right or go right in our world.

The Positive Side
The bottom side of the diagram, works on our self-acceptance, positively. And this begins to affect our self-esteem - positively.

Because of years of training, it is hard to get to the positive side and stay there. It is hard to build up positive habit patterns of responding with Courage, Compassion, and Courtesy. These are my 3 C's. They lead to Grace. And Self-Respect.

When we operate from here our lives are more manageable. We are in control. A really good word when we apply it to our own lives. A really bad word when we are applying it toward others.

And that is where the line with the arrows pointing both north and south on the right hand side of the diagram comes in.

Isn't evaluating and judging, really about us getting control over others to become more like we want them to be?

Isn't that crazy when you think about it? Would you really want to have someone trying to be just like you? Really? Wouldn't it make you mad? They would be stealing only the good parts of your identity. That would make you "less."

What if we suspended judgment today and tomorrow? And let others, be themselves. I think this is real courage. I think we should encourage others to be more themselves and less like us. I believe this leads to serenity and peace.

Can we remove guilt, anger, blame and negative emotions from our lives whereever we can?
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This is where you share your thoughts, comments, or burning issues. Have a great weekend.

Material derived from the Al-Anon book, "The Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today"

How We See Ourselves

I believe that the "discovery" of self-esteem and its powerful role on how it affects everything we do is one of the most important "discoveries" in the past several centuries.

In America, we celebrate Columbus Day, the day when Columbus "discovered" America. While this is an important day for Americans, the discovery of self-esteem is important for the human race. I read in Wikipedia that the term, "self-esteem," can be traced back to 1657.

I am not going to "pretend" I am an expert in this matter. I am a novice, trying to understand the human condition and the mind and its how it regulates our ability to become everything we can become and be the best we can - in all parts of our lives.

I have decided, I get only a short period of time on this hair-ball planet, and that I am going to attempt to run my life by being the best I can be. The best I can be. Not by what others think is best for me. I believe working on me and my self-esteem allows me to break free from the trap of others' expectations of me, what I should be, what I should do, how I should behave.

When I first read about self-esteem, I began to understand a powerful concept, that I could change and improve, that was within my control and how it could improve how I saw the world and my ability to operate in it. Below are a few powerful sentences that say so much, in so few words.

This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

Wow. Think about this for just a minute or two this today. You mean, how I see myself creates my outside world? Hmmm. Am I thinking trash and negativity? Remember my earlier posts about the "Law of Attraction" and how the brain filters in through sight, smell, touch, sound -what we are thinking about.

In the next sentence, he says;
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

Then he goes on to say,
. . . Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

Reread these passages today and come back tomorrow to reread them. These are important "truths" that can lead to serenity and tranquility. Peace of mind, is the highest form of achievement in my view. If I can get that, I have achieved what money, recognition from others, and material possessions cannot provide me in the long run.