Tomorrow

Tomorrow in Al-Anon is non-existent in the sense that I have my head in the future and what "will" happen or what "might" happen.

In today's reading from Courage to Change it talks of tomorrow. The opening line is;

"When we talk of tomorrow," says a Chinese proverb, "the gods laugh." They laugh not because they find us ridiculous, but because they know the future is not predictable. Thus, we have no choice but to live "One day at a time."

I can make plans, but I cannot determine the results.


This is me. It was me in a big way. I spent all my hours - and I am not exaggerating here - living in the future. When I was on vacation, I would work, worrying about next week when I got back. When I was in the water at the beach very rarely did I just enjoy it - except when body surfing - where I had to be conscious - but I can look back and still remember thinking about "later" or "what I need to do" and "how I need to make sure everyone was in the car ready to go for dinner."

Is this true? Or is my brain just saying this?

I can remember - telling a colleague - that when driving from a client's office I would often - always - visualize myself coming into my building - literally opening the door of the building by pulling it open and then walking down the hall - thinking about who I might run into - people who worked for me and anticipating what issues they may bring to me and then getting into my office and working down my "to do" list.

I was proud of that fact of my ability to visualize.

Here in Al-Anon it really is a program of focusing on the NOW. I never would have heard this - if it wasn't for Eckard Tolle's books on the subject. As soon as I read (no studied it) I started hearing about the "Now" in Al-Anon. It was all over the place. What a rip-off! You can join Al-Anon and get this information for free and make it part of your being instead of going to these self-help seminars on the "Power of Now." Not really a rip-off. Just making a point about this program and how deep and rich it can be if you work it and it will work you.

You get just what you need . . . and I (you) can leave the rest.

Oh yes. One more - important thing.

Al-Anon seems to be somewhat of a contradiction. I will say it is Not - because I am defending it. But to the "untrained eye" - it may be. As we don't bring in religions you will find quotes from various religious beliefs.

Today's quote for example is a good one. But it is from the Bible.

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself."

Interesting. And, I wonder if they had semi-colons back in the day.

There is tomorrow. I just need to do the footwork today. Cannot make the future occur the way I wish it would.

Peace this Sunday.

Everytime - I Get What I Need

One of the miracles in Al-Anon is, I seem to always get what I need at a meeting.

I read the daily reading in our meeting at the noon group meeting this past Wednesday, May 13. It's part of the format of this group to read the Steps, Traditions, Concepts and Warranties as well as the daily reading from any of the 3 daily readers.

So, as I read this passage, I was saying, "Damn. Just what I need. A - friggin' - gain." To myself mind you, as I don't let random thoughts pop out of my head and disrupt the flow of the meeting!

Recently - over the past few years - I have been - God I hate to admit this - reluctant to make decisions and reluctant to confront people. This is very recent, as I was a confronter. I am now afraid to open certain emails - as I "just know" they are going to be zingers (usually from my wife and the people I am renting this house I am now in).

The reading struck me. It was just what I needed, as I am touched or haunted with "dread" on certain aspects of my life. I have been burned before and therefore a little indecisive. Here is the passage from Courage to Change May 13 that struck me and was just what I needed;

For a time I avoided making decisions because I was sure that there was some "magical" right choice that would get me what I wanted, yet I never seemed to know what that choice was. I waited until the last minute to decide and never felt good about my choices. Today I know that choosing not to decide is to decide.

It can be very liberating to make a decision. Once the decision is made, I can trust that the consequences will unfold as they should. With a slight change in attitude, perhaps I can await them with excitement and hope rather than fear and dread.

This is where I am today. When I make a decision or I am waiting for a response or I get the response (the email or call from my soon-to-be-ex or maybe someday-ex), I have this fear and dread feeling come over me.

I have not been to as many meetings as I would like. I am so busy at work and was so busy preparing for divorce. And so busy trying to regain my personal life. And so busy trying to stay in shape. And so busy . . .

I am forgetting being centered. My centering is the most important thing in this list. It affects everything else.

The meeting was just what I needed. This passage hit me in head. It had the two words "fear" and "dread" -

Also - by the way - the word "consequences" above has typically a negative connotation to some. But it is not the true definition of the word. Consequences are just results of actions -neither positive or negative. I know, I looked the word up many years ago, and unless they changed the definition this is correct. Why are you typing this by the way Joseph? Well in your need to help (read control) others, you want them to understand the word in the passage. Also, are you trying to help (control)? And show (control) you are smart? Man, I read control all the way through this.

Worry - Part 2 (My Formula to Eliminate It?)

At Al-Anon we are provided tools and new thoughts to deal with the worry we sometimes have. At one meeting we talked about "Change" and dealing with "crap." I think "crap" was the euphemism for "Problems." Although the word, "crap," may be a more offensive word - I think it is more accurate.

I was surprised how many people spoke of getting up in the morning and dreading the day. They got up thinking about problems. I thought about this several times over the past week or so since this meeting. Why was it that people got up in the morning thinking about problems and worrying about the crap? Why was this their first thought of the day?

And, did I used to think about the crap or dread the day? Truthfully, I think I did. I think I used to think about the problems I was faced with.

But more importantly, why didn't I think I think about problems or dread the day any more?

These questions are extremely personal - and what I mean by this is - I am not judging myself as better than those who think about problems when they first get up in the morning. I am just trying to figure out when and where I made that shift - from thinking about problems to thinking about and doing - "jumping out of the bed" excited about the day.

Yes, getting out of the bed has been a little tougher lately, due to the problem I am facing.

But, I do not worry or dread the day. Why?

I am thinking this out loud this morning - "Why?"

I think I do a few things that may help you. It is important that I recognize that when I don't do them, my morning is off kilter (what the hell is a kilter?). My morning is like the static on an old TV (remember before we had cable?). These two sentences are meant to reinforce to me to make sure I do these. The most important one is the subject of today's post.

Read Something Inspirational for One Hour Each Morning
First, and I know this has been a life saving event for me, is that I get up early, every morning, including Saturday and Sunday. I mean, by 5AM (sure, some days are tougher, especially when there is real chaos in the house).

So why do I get up soooo early - some may ask. I do this to start my day out with reading of something "inspirational" - something "personally motivational." I reprogram my mind. I get up and study or read - if you prefer -something that is "enlightening" for at least, and I mean at least, an hour. This one thing, has turned my life around from negativity to being positive and optimistic. It has helped me build my self-esteem and my bank account. It has provided me new friends and new thoughts and views of the world. I cannot say enough about it. I can also say that humbly, I still make make mistakes and do and say stupid things. I just don't do as many as I used to - and - I feel good about myself!

But this one thing, has allowed me to gain peace. In some ways it is my meditation. It has allowed me to see the world of one of problems, to seeing the world of one of opportunities.

I first started this about - 18 years ago? I cannot remember exactly. But, I can tell you I was too poor to buy my own books, so I used to go to the library and take home five to 10 books at a time. I would first study books on leadership, management, time management, sales, marketing and self-help. These were my subjects that I was trying to improve in.

I do think this is where I went from dreading the day and thinking about problems to literally jumping out of bed with excitement that this time was mine and that I would have this all to myself.

Try this and see if it works for you. Again, I do this every day, so it has become a habit, a ritual, in my life;

Here are some finer points;

1. Set your clock 30 minutes earlier than you typically wake up. Then a week from now set it another 30 minutes earlier than this. You'll get used to it. You may have to go to bed a little earlier at night. I now get up without an alarm clock.
2. Find some very exciting book you think you would enjoy. Don't read something fictional, or something that is a downer. This is the "rudder of your day" time. It is the time of the day that you can determine which way to sail - north or south. I say - "go North" (i.e. positive).
3. I do this before the sun comes up. I love to watch the sun come up. It is a thing of beauty. I try to sit near a window facing the sun coming up (this is my little deal - may not apply to you.).
4. I sit with a spiral notebook and take notes. It's a cheap notebook. But what this does is a double whammy - I read and write. It focused my brain on the subject and forces me to see and think things I normally would skip over if I was :just" reading. This in and of itself is SUPER powerful. Even if you never go back and reread your notes, you will be surprised how this little thing helps you!
5. The notebook thing - #4 above . . . this also keeps your mind from wandering. Even if you rewrite whole passages - verbatim - from the book. Try it.
6. I drink coffee and ice water. The coffee gets me going. The water, I am not sure why I drink so much water. I just do. This one here - #6, is purely what I do. Probably not important.
7. I do this before anyone is up in the house, or the hotel I am staying in. I do not have a problem going to a McDonald's or Starbucks - even when there are 20 people running around - it's different than when people are running around you that you know, however.

I get such a kick out the morning now. Try this and see.

By the way, the book that I would recommend is a Robert Anthony book. See over to the right of this blog for the titles. Also, any Brian Tracy book. A good one is Maximum Achievement. This is a book about thinking and the universal laws of life.

There are many other books. Perhaps, you can share your books you have found enjoyable.

Good Luck this morning!

The Children of the Alcoholic Family

Outside the home, no one knows of the prison we live in. As mothers, and fathers, we know the feeling of being trapped. We know the gloom of the home of the raging alcoholic. We can take comfort in our tools we learn from Al-Anon. We can learn to detach, stop engaging, focus on ourselves.

But our children.

For them, it is a different matter. How can they possibly understand that something is wrong? How can they understand that mommy's and daddy's bickering and fighting is about one person trying to fix and control the chaos and other - the alcoholic - someone who has no control of what they are doing.

In fact, with the alcoholic, it is like dealing with two people. Except, you are mostly if not always dealing the alcoholism. Remember, "cunning, baffling and powerful."

Our children do not understand this. And we, if we grew up around it, we also did not understand. But we tried to cope (we didn't call it this). We were too young to learn real coping mechanisms. Often the alcoholic took it out on us. In some cases, the sober parent lashed out at us, only because of the frustration and not knowing who to turn to and how to relieve their frustrations and stress.

It is not called "the disease of the alcoholic." It is called and known as the "the disease of the family." It is unlike any other disease on earth. It affects the entire orbit of the family. The enitre family system. All the children and the grandparents and others who come in contact, were and are extremely affected, without their even knowing it.

I read to you from the book, From Survival to Recovery, an Al-Anon book. I was asked to chair the meeting Sunday, and was asked to find something in this book. So I did. I never had such a response from a group of grown men and women before. Every one of the people were moved. And they spoke up, so candidly, about the affect the alcoholic and the alcoholism played on them or their children.

Here are the passages I read this past Sunday, written by those who struggled in the home as children; (from page 14)

In the alcoholic family, the need and demands of the alcoholic frequently dominate all other needs. Preoccupied with the alcoholic, the other family members may be too exhausted, irritated, or overwhelmed to provide for the children;s needs as well. Some children try to help their families cope by being quiet, good, and asking for nothing. While mastering the art of disappearing into a remote part of the house, or going to a friend's home, or becoming invisible in the midst of a crowd, those of us who "got lost" also lost a sense of self and the belief that our own needs had any validity. Some of us became human chameleons who changed our personalities to fit whatever social and personal environment we encountered.

Growing up with the chaos and unpredictability created by alcoholism cause many of us to mask our confusion, anger, and shame by trying to be perfect. To prove to ourselves and the world that there was nothing wrong with us or our families, we scrambled hard in school to get straight A's, or work feverishly at home to keep everything neat and tidy. We became star athletes, artists, corporation leaders, humanitarians, and outstanding citizens. Inside, however, we feel driven, terrified by failure unable to relax or play, and lonely. Toward less responsible people who seem to make our efforts at perfection harder, we often became self-righteous and angry. Convinced that something terrible will happen if we lose control, we run ourselves ragged trying to take charge of everything and never know how much is enough. Until we begin to recover, many of us are trapped in a compulsive need to give more, love more and do more.

Now I skip to page 17 in the same book.

Each member of an alcoholic family tries to adjust to the problem in his or her own way. Our adjustments depend on our situation in the family (whether we are a spouse, sibling, child, relative) and on our individual emotional temperaments. We have in common the tendency to keep changing ourselves to try to fix something that is not in our power to fix, someone else's alcoholism.

I add these words, to the final sentence instead of "someone else's alcoholism" - "that we did not cause, cannot change and cannot and should not take responsibility for. We are not responsible."

I think about that passage as it relates to my daughter.

How We See Ourselves

I believe that the "discovery" of self-esteem and its powerful role on how it affects everything we do is one of the most important "discoveries" in the past several centuries.

In America, we celebrate Columbus Day, the day when Columbus "discovered" America. While this is an important day for Americans, the discovery of self-esteem is important for the human race. I read in Wikipedia that the term, "self-esteem," can be traced back to 1657.

I am not going to "pretend" I am an expert in this matter. I am a novice, trying to understand the human condition and the mind and its how it regulates our ability to become everything we can become and be the best we can - in all parts of our lives.

I have decided, I get only a short period of time on this hair-ball planet, and that I am going to attempt to run my life by being the best I can be. The best I can be. Not by what others think is best for me. I believe working on me and my self-esteem allows me to break free from the trap of others' expectations of me, what I should be, what I should do, how I should behave.

When I first read about self-esteem, I began to understand a powerful concept, that I could change and improve, that was within my control and how it could improve how I saw the world and my ability to operate in it. Below are a few powerful sentences that say so much, in so few words.

This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

Wow. Think about this for just a minute or two this today. You mean, how I see myself creates my outside world? Hmmm. Am I thinking trash and negativity? Remember my earlier posts about the "Law of Attraction" and how the brain filters in through sight, smell, touch, sound -what we are thinking about.

In the next sentence, he says;
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

Then he goes on to say,
. . . Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

Reread these passages today and come back tomorrow to reread them. These are important "truths" that can lead to serenity and tranquility. Peace of mind, is the highest form of achievement in my view. If I can get that, I have achieved what money, recognition from others, and material possessions cannot provide me in the long run.

Living in the "Now"

This about living in the "NOW." As Al-Anon and other great recovery programs teach us throughout the 12 Steps is that we must live in the present - or the "Now."

This is post is directly related to several past blog posts that I believe are the foundation for understanding how to change our lives. And it is based upon something we absolutely have control over. It is about how we think.

However, and this is a big one, the however is, if you are dealing with active alcoholism and chaos, you and I may not be able to get our thinking wrapped completely around the positive and present (today, this second). Alcoholism is tough stuff and impacts us in ways only those who are in the midst of it can completely understand. It is "controlling" to a great degree our thoughts and reactions. It is a problem of 10X with children, because our children are so affected by it as well. And because they are affected, so are we.

How do I know?

Because last night at 8:20PM, I received a phone call from my daughter. I had to leave a senior management meeting of Vice Presidents and Presidents for 45 minutes to straighten out as best as I could a problem with my child and her fear of her mother's drinking. I was, noticeably absent last night. When I returned several people gave me the "look" - the look of "what is happening in your life?" that caused you to miss 45 minutes of a meeting you suggested having tonight?

Tough stuff. But a choice I had to make. Leave the room, where all the senior company team members, 15 people, are meeting to resolve a company crisis. My choice, my daughter. She is 10. She is now becoming a victim of this cunning disease.

I need to put this in the blog, so you know that I know, that this problem of alcohol is the "Black Cloud of Chaos" that hovers over every alcoholic family's home, especially when the alcohol is active and raging.

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If you missed the previous posts click the one's below for what I believe is the necessary foundation to understand today's post better.

The Law of Attraction Part 1 (click here)
The Law of Attraction Part 2 (click here)
Focus on Solutions (click here)

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Negative Emotions - Understanding Them
One of the most caring and loving things we need to do for ourselves is to understand the emotions of; worry, fear, doubt, anger and depression. These are sister emotions, living together in a family - the family of negative emotions. There are other related negative emotions, but these are the most powerful.

When we go into a negative state, this is caused by thinking and dwelling about - the past. And then we apply these events and emotions on the future. This causes us to worry. The past and the future, looking backward and looking forward - with a negative emotion filter over our eyes, brings a feeling of hopelessness and despair. And it can lead to mild or deep depression.

Reliving The Past and Playing the Future in Our Mind's Eye
When we are looking backward, we relive the past experiences in our mind. And each time we replay these experiences, our mind or subconscious records them in our brain as actual events actually occurring.

Now that may be too many "actual" words. But I use "actual" to drive home a point.

The point is this: The mind cannot distinguish between reality and what you are thinking about in terms of imprinting the event in the brain. This thinking about what happened is almost the same as the event occuring again in real life. And this reliving the event builds stronger wiring of the event in our brain's circuitry.

So, each time we think about the past, the thinking builds stronger wiring and it becomes a more "prevalent" thought.

And, we respond and react, and live based upon this thinking. Often, a lot of our reactions are automatic - because of these past events are strongly wired in our brains.

Live in the Present
Now, if we can just try to live in the present, the NOW, we can gain more control over our lives. Note, I said "our lives." We can create a new "cause and effect" system based upon "present thinking" or "thinking in the NOW." This is hard. You bet it is. We are a summation of our past experiences.

An Exercise for Improved Living: Detach From The Past and The Future
One way to break away from worry and fear and anger, is to regard the past and the future, in a detached manner. There is no magic to letting go or the past or worrying about what might happen. Except simply thinking about the past and the future in an unemotional manner. Detach with the past and the future. Become unemotional about them.

Meditation will help you do this. Also, try this: Physically, look down at your feet. Go ahead look. Look again. What do you see? You are here. Your feet are right here, planted on the floor. In the present.

Use this moment to gain clear understanding of this fact. Once you have this in you mind, look around the room. Notice other things, the desk, the cup you are drinking from, the lamp, the phone. All here. All here in the now. If can gain that kind of control over your mind, you are exercising great discipline over the most powerful tool in the universe. Harness the power, by focusing your mind.

Do not get caught up in what might happen. Nor get caught up in what did happen and who did this to me. Focus. Focus where you are, right now. Go back to looking at your feet. Firmly planted on the ground.

This is a simple trick, that can help you gain concentration.

PS - I learned part of this "trick" of stopping your thinking, by looking down at your feet, at an Al-Anon meeting several weeks ago. I just embellished it and added to my "set of tools."

PPS - Hard? Yes. Impossible? No

Forgive and Be Free

As the spouse of an alcoholic, I know I can be free by forgiving. Forgiving does not mean I put up with nonsense or said another way, crap, of another person. It means something very different than most people think "forgiveness" actually means.

Let me tell you as honestly as I can, how immature I was (and still am) regarding the word, and the embodiment of "forgiveness."

I used to think that forgiveness meant- that forgiveness made me the bad guy. And made the other person "correct" or "OK" with their actions. I said "used to think" in the last sentence. Let me correct that. I don't want to seem I am above and beyond anyone here. And I certainly don't want to fool myself. So, the truth is, I still think this way sometimes when my past programming rises up and takes control, and I react, usually because I hurt or feel pain, because I feel someone did something to me.

But, this is important, this definition of forgiveness, to recognize how many of us in society think or believe forgive actually means. This definition of forgiveness; "making me wrong and the other person right" is why I had a hard time letting go. I know I wasn't wrong (at least sometimes). I didn't want to be wrong. Therefore, I would not forgive. So, I carried this "thing" around called "resentment."

I think resentment causes me to put on special sunglasses as I go about life. It causes me to filter out reality and causes me to seek out or look for "who might be trying to do something to me." This filtering out - actually makes me behave differently toward others - which actually attracts people to actually do something to me. It is a weird phenomenon. The thing I am trying to avoid, I actually attract, by sending out "signals" in terms of how I talk, hold eye contact (or lack thereof), move, etc. Why? Because my mind is focused on what I don't want. And I send neuro-transmitters through my brain and body. This is going too deep here - but in psychology this phenomenon has several names and terms, this "filtering" and "attracting." The term I will use that I personally like is "self-fulfilling prophecy" which if we can really get that concept, can dramatically change our lives forever.

But, as I say, I digress. This is a post on forgiveness, so I will get back on it!

Real Forgiveness - The More Mature Thinking
Real forgiveness is a completely selfish act. Now before you fly off the handle about "selfish," this word too, can be a positive word. We should be more "selfish" as long as we are not doing something to try to wound another or injure/harm. Selfish is OK. It is thinking about us, ourselves, which we rarely do, as spouses/parents of addicts.

Real forgiveness has nothing to do with the other guy being right or us being right. It has nothing to do with "letting them off the hook."

Forgiveness - to forgive - is about you and I clearing our resentments of the past. It is about freeing ourselves from the mistakes we have made. Because don't we beat ourselves up sometimes? And this leads to guilt and/or resentment.

Forgiveness is a selfish act, in that if used properly, it is about letting ourselves go free of regret, remorse, resentment, and stopping ourselves from replaying the negative events in our mind over and over again. And it is the beginning of eliminating the question we may be asking ourselves in our mind that cannot be answered. It is the question of; "If only . . . " And that question, which really isn't even a question, but a statement of regret.

I read to you from Robert Anthony. I read this last night and I thought, "Wow. How appropriate."

"To the degree that you cannot forgive, whether it be yourself or someone else, you perpetuate lack and limitation in your life. You hold back.

Many people don't want to forgive others. They say things like: "Why should I let them off the hook after what they did?" The enemy is someone who you think can take from you or harm you. People harm you through yourself. Actually, they don't harm you at all. You just give them the instructions on how to treat you and they follow through.

When we deal with forgiveness we tend to think that we must forgive because someone has done something to us. It is difficult for many people to realize that people haven't done anything to you. When you finally realize that you've done it to yourself by your responses to them then you are free of it. You are free because you're not holding onto the person as a source of your problem."

The italics are from Dr. Robert Anthony.

What struck me last night and it still strikes me, is; "We just give them the instructions on how to treat you and they follow through."

I think Dr. Robert Anthony was writing his books for me when I first stumbled upon them over 15 years ago. The words are so powerful. What I like about his writings is that I see how Al-Anon and his writings are so interconnected - because the "control" that he and Al-Anon foster is control over your thinking and therefore over your feelings. It has nothing to do with "people out there," which of course, you cannot change. It forces you to work on yourself, the only thing you can change.

I hope this post makes sense to you this day, Friday. I think this is one of my favs. I hope you like it as much as I had writing it.

May your weekend be a blessing.

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By the way, I deleted my first message from someone yesterday. You may have noticed this in an earlier post. To disclose to you this; it was from "someone" who is facing some problems with AA people. I think he thought this was an AA blog. He invoked a HP to his cause and also said he was the HP. He may strike again. Do not respond to his invocations. I wish you peace.

PS - We have a topic for this weekend's Online Meeting. Please see the post below (or click here). Ashley is hosting the Weekend Meeting. I will be sending out an invitation at around 5PM eastern time with Ashley's Topic. So please don't respond to her writing in the comments yet. She will have her own blog page all weekend as we did before. And if you wish to host a weekend meeting let me know! We have another volunteer for the week after! So this is great!

Getting Unstuck - Part 2

Getting Unstuck - coming from Dr. Robert Anthony's book Beyond Positive Thinking. This is Part 2 about Getting Unstuck. In the previous post I mentioned that we are facing decisions in our lives sometimes that are challenging. And sometimes we get stuck. This is about seeing why we are stuck and hopefully leads us to getting unstuck.

This post, as did the previous post, comes from Dr. Robert Anthony; Chapter 5 "Writing Your Own Script" . . .

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Everything in life is a matter of choice. There are only two things we have no choice about. We cannot avoid these two things no matter how hard we try. The first is that we must die. Death is an absolute certainty. And the second thing we have no choice about is that we must live until we die. Now understand this - everything else in your life that you think you have to do, or are forced to do, is a choice.

You and I do everything because we choose to do it. We can't change the fact that we are going to die or that we must live until we die. But we can change anything else because everything else is a choice. Look at all the areas of your life and realize you do everything in your life because you choose to do it, not because you have to do it. Remember - the only two things you have no choice about is, you have to die, and you have to live until you die. Period!

Look at where you are in your life right now. Where you are is where you want to be. Consciously or unconsciously, you have made a choice. If you want to go anywhere, you must first understand here you are right now. Many people lie to themselves about where they are, and they deny their situation in life. But it is absolutely essential that you acknowledge where you are before you can move on. Is your life working the way you want it to? Are you where you would like to be? Do you have the things that you would like to have? If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then take a look at your payoff for being where you are. What pleasure do you get out of denying yourself? What pleasure do you get out of being unhappy? What pleasure do you get out of being uncomfortable and not belonging? What pleasure do you get out of thinking in terms of lack and limitation?

It is important to remind yourself that everything that you do in life, whether it is positive or negative, is attached to a reward or a payoff. So look at your payoff. Observation is the first step in changing anything.

When you observe, you are taking the first step toward freedom. And as you observe, you begin to see your own patterns of thought. You have to tell the truth about where you are before you can move on. If you are in pain, admit it. If something is not working, admit it. This is the fundamental principle of Alcoholics Anonymous. You must first acknowledge that you are an alcoholic before you can recover from alcoholism. So look at where you are right now, and then decide where you want to go. Let your mind be open to new possibilities.

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Here are the words that strike me every time I read this chapter in the book;

• You and I do everything because we choose to do it.
• Where you are is where you want to be. Consciously or unconsciously, you have made a choice.
• Are you where you would like to be? Do you have the things that you would like to have? If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then take a look at your payoff for being where you are.
• It is important to remind yourself that everything that you do in life, whether it is positive or negative, is attached to a reward or a payoff.
• So look at your payoff.

While the last line mentions Alcoholics Anonymous, it is not about AA or Al-Anon. The book is about the psychology of you. And that means showing you and me, how our thinking, how our present level of awareness, and our limiting thoughts (belief systems, mistaken certainties, religion, political views etc.) may be holding us in place - stuck. Because we DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

The book is about what I call, "relieving your mistaken certainties" from your growth potential. [I do mean "relieving" here]. Or, said another way, "How you may be holding yourself back?" The first step is realizing that you have things in your belief system that may be incorrect and these are holding you back.

These may come from religion, politics, what teacher told you, or your parents told you. Or you thought they told you. An example of this might be what your mother said to you when you were 5 years old may be playing in your head and may be wrong - but because you heard it - you are assuming it as being true.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Please Read this: Get More Information About Past Posts and Resources

On This Blog, on the right, you will find headings for lots of information you can use. Please scroll down the right hand side of this Blog for more information on;

Past Blog Posts - here you will find more information on boundary setting, codependence, etc by date

Labels to Posts - here you will be able to search on a topic or a label of the postResources -

Links to other Websites - (government, private research foundations and organizations - all legitimate)

Just click (double click) the appropriate link.

It was pointed out to me, that some may not know that this information is readily available for your reading.

Getting Unstuck - Part 1

Getting unstuck is important in living with an alcoholic. We want advice. We want someone to tell us to leave this person who is driving the family crazy. Then reality faces us. What will happen to the children? Who will win them - me or her/him - in a child custody case. I can't afford to leave him/her. What will happen to me? Will I find another mate - and will this one be as crazy as this one? I love this person, . . . don't I? Or am I used to living with this person and in reality I cannot face the reality and I use this as an excuse? Can I continue for just one more month, one more year, two more years, etc?

We've all thought these thoughts, at one time or another. Haven't we? I know I have.

Another pervading thought permeating our conscious from the subconscious may be seen or heard in these words;

Will he be drinking tonight? Will the children have homework and not get it done on time because the alcoholic will come in drunk interupting the childrens' evening? Will supper be cooked on time? Will I have to hide the keys so he can't drive? Will he drive and try to take the children with him?

Damn. That is a lot of pressure. No one knows that thoughts that go on in our heads that make us crazy. No one knows the insanity that we have in our lives. Yet, it is this insanity that makes us fill our heads with stuff and clutter. We have to cut through the clutter.

Restore us to sanity God. And who has not cursed God at one point for doing this to us? That is a big admission.

Here is something, that can or may help you. It is about making decisions. The psychological aspect of them. To me, it is about finding out what we want and how can we get unstuck.

I read it paragragh this morning. I read it a 100 times before. But this morning it made me think about me - just a little differently. It gave me some peace of mind and some insight. It made me see myself in a different light. And perhaps question me about me and why I am stuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You've heard it said that no decision is a decision. Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home. Once we start making decisions for ourselves, we are on our own.

"It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others. Making a decision always reveals something about you. Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret. If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided.

"Another reason for indecisiveness is the fear that we may have to give up something. For example, if you want to take a vacation to Hawaii, it means you have to give up going to the Bahamas at the very same time. To choose one goal means you may have to give up others. If you decide on a certain way, it means you may have to give up other paths. It means you can’t be everything, do everything and have everything at the same time. It means you can't please everybody. When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be. In other words, not like them. So by doing nothing, you may be able to retain the love and approval of different people whose values contradict each other, and your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled."

FROM Robert Anthony's book "Advanced Formula for Total Success" (now called "Beyond Positive Thinking"). Chapter 5 - titled "Write Your Own Script"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Isn't this a powerful message? Is this not eye-opening? I hope it has some affect (or is effect?) on you today. Look at these words;

• We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home.


• It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others.


• Making a decision always reveals something about you.


• Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret.


• If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided.


• When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be.


• . . . your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled.

Maybe certain other words struck you.

I will post another part of this book in a post later today or tomorrow. Stay tuned . . .

A List for All Times

A list for all times. Titled "Counseling Notes." On the counter of the kitchen was this list. This list was put together by my daughter. I unsure who the counselor is except the counselor at school, although these look like a list I prepared for her about a year ago in the form of affirmations.

I will find out about this list and how did she come up with such a beautiful things. It's a list for all, young and old, home or at work.

Here it is, in it's entirety, as it was handwritten.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Counseling Notes

Fri Jan. 18, 08

E.Q. How can we show that we are responsible?

what to do now
- do what we are told with a good attitude
- to do homework/academics before play
- use kind word
- do thing without being told
- be organized
- appropriate clothing
- remember
- use manners
- prepared for classes
- be on time
- be honest
- blame yourself first than other
- responsibility for actions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Manual For Changing Your Life

I believe a high self-esteem can be the key to helping us get out of our dilemma. Here I offer you friends of AA and Al-Anon, something that helped me.

Some time ago, I went on a sort of what I call a "mission" to turn my life around. I got out of my home as a boy of 18 - went to college as far away as I could. In college I struggled, because I had to work every single day, and night and try to study. I had several problems due to living in an alcoholic environment, where my dad did not explain to me the way the world worked. My mom did explain a lot - and a lot the words and sentences she repeated are still in my head today. [Ladies/moms and dads too, this last sentence is important. And is very related to this post].

But back to my problems in college:
1. I did not know how to study. [Therefore I struggled.]
2. I was insecure. [My self-esteem was low. I did not feel valuable about myself.]
3. I did not know how my thinking worked. [I did not realize how important my belief system was and how my thinking affected my actions, and how my thinking could be changed, and how some beliefs that I had, were self-limiting beliefs.]

But, I worked very hard, and made it through college and landed a job, a good job by the way, in a very down economy.

A short version of a long story, I did not know how to behave at times. I had girl friends that I seemed to cling to. At work, I thought if I could just make $20,000 a year, I would be rich. And, I had no plan for me; no goals, no vision of the future, etc. Fortunately, I had a two good managers who helped me at work. As I did better in work, my self-esteem grew and I was less insecure. However, something was missing.

One day after a round of layoffs in another bad economy I sought answers about life. I remembered my father and mother always were reading. So, obviously I avoided reading. If dad read, it must be bad, might have been the deep rooted thought.

So I sought answers, so I went to the library. I came across a video that changed my life around. It was one-hour long (in fact I bought the video and still watch it today!).

Two key messages out of 100 messages were;
1. "You become what you think about" - and then the author says - "Change your thinking and you then change your life."
2. "Study and read an hour a day - in your field - and in 3 years you will become an expert." and then the author says - "You should read first thing in the morning - for one hour."

I started on #2 above. And #2 changed #1. My thinking changed drastically. I actually began to understand myself and understand other people. I discarded old habitual thinking patterns - that were self-defeating and self-limiting and this helped me become "better" in many ways. I also stopped looking to other people for what they thought - and started realizing that if I was going to get better, it was up to me and me only.

One book that changed my life by thinking better and differently, was called "The Advanced Formula for Total Success." It is now out in a later release. The title is changed to "Beyond Positive Thinking." The author is Dr. Robert Anthony.

I will tell you that I bought several copies and still read it today. In fact, I got up at 4:35AM this morning and reread a few chapters. What the book does is explain to you how and where you got your present thinking from in Chapter 1. Second, it provides a "formula" for changing your thinking, which then explains how to build your self-esteem.

It is really an owners manual on how to think - not what to believe. It is not a manual for how to live either. It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is all about how to constructively start taking charge of your life by eliminating self-limiting thoughts and open your mind up to new ideas and information - that MAY be of value to you and may be the key to GETTING OUT of the environment you are in and GETTING INTO an environment that you would like to be in. You could say it's about "getting unstuck."

The book is not a "Get rich quick book" nor is it a book on how to "manipulate" others. It's a book on "Self."

Here are a few passages that I read this morning that I believe can help all of us. These excerpts are a little random, out of the first two chapters. They resonated with me and I hope they resonate with you;

Understand the Rules of Life
Understand that if your life does not work the way you want it to, it is
because you have accepted false beliefs that keep you from being all
that you can be. Unfortunately, the majority of people on this planet feel
stuck. When we look at the world and see the suffering, misery and
impoverishment, when we see so many well-intentioned people doing
without, the world looks insane. We see people giving up, believing that
they have to take from others in order to have anything for themselves.
Rarely do we look within for the answer to this confusion. Rarely does
the individual really look to see what the rules of life are. So what
happens is that in our ignorance of ourselves and of life, we hassle, fight
and strain to get what we want. And it ends up not working anyway.

Starting Point of Success
Your unlimited power lies in your ability to control your thoughts. A
confused mind works in the direction of sickness, poverty, lack and
limitation rather than in the direction of abundance, health and success.
If we are not creating our lives the way we want them to be, we are
creating from our unconscious. But since life is consciousness, the most
important task we have is the development of the highest possible
consciousness. We can do this by looking at the conditions of our lives
and challenging our beliefs, even if out egos are threatened. Whenever
we want something in our lives, we must let go of anything that is
between ourselves and what we want.
In your heart, you know exactly what you want. And if you will listen to
your intuition, it will tell you. Your mind will sell you out, but your intuition
never will. You intuition is your connection with the Ultimate Power.

Our Mental Blueprint
From birth onward, we collect hundreds of ideas about ourselves as
being good or bad, wise or stupid, confident or fearful and so on.
Through repetition, these often false identities harden into our selfimage.
This self-image either allows us to be happy and successful or it
tyrannizes our lives. Whether we realize it or not, within ourselves is a
mental blueprint. It's a picture of the way that we think that we are. This
blueprint is exact and complete down to the last detail. This summary or
blueprint is our self-image. However, this blueprint is not who we are,
but rather who we think we are.

If you are interested in the book, click on the link on the right hand side of this Blog - under Books I Recommend. It should take you to Amazon.com. I really do recommend this book for all of us.

To The Alcoholic's Spouse - 3rd Letter

Letter Number 3 (New Day Dawning Series)
Prior Letters:
Letter Number 1 (click here)
Letter Number 2 (click here)

An Open Letter to You (the person living in the chaos of alcoholism);

Date: Today (the Third Day of a New Day Dawning for YOU.)

Alright, we know there is some anger, resentment, hurt, pain and depression in all of us. We grieve. And grieving is OK. But grieving forever is not in our blood. Grieving forever is not in your DNA.

Today is YOUR wake up call. You are not going to talk to the alcoholic about their problem. That is, THEIR problem. So let them handle THEIR problem.

YOUR problem is big enough that YOU need to focus on YOU and YOUR PROBLEM. You do have one don't you? Sure you do. You have been fighting, arguing, trying to control an uncontrollable situation. The hurricane, or tornado comes into the kitchen and you see the tornado and you want to stop it from spinning.

You see all the chaos in the tornado; the cars, the house, the papers, the people, - all the stuff flying around the alcoholic. And, . . . where are you?

Are you in the tornado too? Are you creating part of the spinning? If you are honest, sure you are. Or you have been. But that is in the past for you! Your past words and actions have helped the crap in tornado to spin faster. Again, that's the past. Right?

Two Questions:

1. What if you can stop it - the tornado? Would you?
2. What if the same method you used in the past was only adding to the chaos? Would you stop it then?

The answer to both questions is undoubtedly a big bold, screaming; "YESSSSS!!! "

And you might just add; "Of course, damn it!!!" to the sentence.

Let's add another reason to stop it -

You see that little moon over at the side of the blog? It's surrounded by blue skies and yellow stars. It reminds me (me = the author of this blog) of my daughter and her favorite book "Mr. Moon." I am not sure why it reminds me of the book Mr. Moon, but it does.

So like me, you need to get well. You need to get a continuous flow of good days back to back. And the only way to do this, is this, . . . and this is the magic and secret formula. Are you ready? It's not what your natural inclination is to do . . .

Are you sure you can handle it? OK. Here it is;

1. Step 1. Stop trying to fix the alcoholic!
2. Step 2. Stop trying to talk the alcoholic into getting sober! This is part of Step 1.
3. Step 3. Stop helping the alcoholic do the things he can do for himself (herself).
4. Step 4. Start focusing on your well-being. Start fixing yourself. So, what help have you received today?

Step 4 is the foundation of Steps 1 through 3. And it is a complete reversal of what we think we ought to do. We think if we do Steps 1 thru 3, then we can do Step 4! Nooooooo! It doesn't work that way. In fact, just doing Step 4, and only Step 4, will keep you from doing Steps 1 thru 3. And you won't have to WORK SO HARD!!!!

Stop thinking that you can do it all yourself. You cannot change without getting help. I am not advocating therapy - although finding the right therapist may help you get more help. I am not necessarily advocating Al-Anon, although the right meeting and doing this on a regular basis may help you get more help.

But today, I want you to do these things. First make sure you read letters 1 and 2 and do the actions outlined in Letter 2. Then do the Steps below . . .

Today, you are going to redirect this negative energy you and I know we have. Know that being pissed off, and depressed, takes a lot of energy. It zaps us. And we cannot sleep and we eat stuff that is terrible and it sits in our digestive system making us feel tired, sluggish and snippy (short, hostile, not fun to be around).

We are going to go on a 21 DAY MENTAL DIET. Here is the 21 Day Mental Diet;

1. I eat only healthy foods and I drink plenty of water. (I stop eating crap). And, I exercise regularly. Alright, this is physical, not mental. (I am not perfect!)
2. I get up early every morning and read something inspiring. I feed my mind with positive material. For me, for me to get well, I am reading the Al-Anon literature. And right now reading at the same time, psychology books (for me!!!!).
3. I am attending Al-Anon meetings.
4. Then I write out my "learnings" (a new word I made up) in a notebook. Writing helps me quiet my mind. I do this in the morning and at night. And maybe for good measure, at lunch time too.
5. I do not engage in talk about fixing my alcoholic in my life. I stop obsessing about it.
6. I stop complaining about people and I stop judging people. If I have nothing nice to say, I say nothing.
7. I stop doing for the alcoholic and others, what they could and should be doing for themselves. This is hard, I know. You are "keeping it together." But today and from now on, you ask, "Can they be doing this themselves? And should they?" If the answer is "Yes" to these, YOU SAY; "No." Or "No, I have other things to do that will prevent me from doing this." No "I am sorry." No reasons and explanation is required.

Try these for just 21 days. These actions will turn your life around. And you will be on the path - if not the highway - to recovery - for YOU. As a by-product, your alcoholic spouse (or grown child if you have a grown child who is an addict) may get well too. But that is not your main purpose. If he or she gets well, then; "Super-de-dooper." If not, then you are well, and you can make a better decision as to where you want your life to go.

And if that's not enough for you, because you have lost your self-esteem, then I am going to manipulate you; then do it for the rest of your family. I work this 21-Day Program every day (not Al-Anon meetings every day) and I write this blog not so much for me, but for the little girl whose favorite book was Mr. Moon. The little girl is my 10 year old daughter. She is beautiful in many ways. I owe my getting well to her. She doesn't need to have two moronic parents running around.

So let's promise each other this; I will succeed. You will succeed. We shall succeed. You shall prevail. AND make no mistake about it - I know who you are. YOU are special. You need to stand up straight. You need to get out of your funk NOW. YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT. And do not ever, ever, think that you are not.

Sincerely, and I do mean Sincerely, Your Friend,

Joe

The Alcoholic Marriage

We had a great meeting this weekend on detachment. I learned a lot and we had a lot visitors. To see this Meeting and the comments click on the link here: This Weekend's Meeting is on: Detachment

Today I want to post about something I read from the book - an Al-Anon book - titled "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage." But before I do, I want to tell you how I came across this book, because I do believe there are "forces" in the universe "conspiring to do us good" - if only we pay attention to them. These "forces" knock on our doors, and sometime we do not recognize them, especially if our mind are in a state of turmoil.


A Story About Rescue
There is the story of the man who was caught in a flood and went to the roof of his house, to escape the rising waters which had surrounded his house. There he sat and prayed to God for a rescue and to be saved.

Soon a truck with wheels big enough to go through the water came to the house with the man on the roof, and the occupants of the truck said, "Come with us, we have room in our truck," and the man on the house replied, "No thanks, I have prayed and have asked God to save me."

Later as the water had gotten to a higher level, making it impossible for trucks to get through any longer, a man in a rowboat showed up. The man in the boat said, "Come with me, I have room in my boat," and the man on the house replied, "I have prayed and have asked God to save me."

The water had started to overtake the roof, and the water's torrent was swift, beginning to tear away at the structure ripping parts of the house apart. The man stood up becasue the water had overtaken his roof and he again prayed to God for help. Just then a helicopter came by, and the pilot called down, "We'll send down a rope and save you." The man replied, "I have prayed to God and I am waiting for him to save me."

The helicopter pulled away and soon the man was washed away in the water's torrent and died.

When the man got to heaven he asked God why hadn't God saved him from the rising waters? God replied, "I tried to rescue you three different times, why didn't you take what I sent you?"

We are all sent something - this book (The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage) came to my attention through my sponsor at Christmas. I had written it down - but soon forgot about it.
Then at Al-Anon, a woman who is struggling with her husband, who I have known from this meeting for sometime, said to me "Here you ought to read this, this book is really good."

Normally, I would not have gotten the book. But she was very much in my "face" with the book - and she is not that way - pushy I mean - and not a person to cross boundaries. It was a message I believe - to GET THE BOOK. Plus it was only $9.50! What did I have to lose.

Perhaps this quote and post will be your message and help you. Here is the quote or passage I was reading this morning;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If he is drinking, her (wife) constant protective watchfulness makes it easy for him to sidestep getting help. He has no incentive to get sober. She convinces herself that she's doing her very best for him; she hasn't learned, as she would in Al-Anon, that shielding him from the consequences of his drinking only prolongs its course.

"When he's drunk, her reaction is to reproach him for his behavior, and that's the very worst time to attempt to communicate with him. In fact it can't be done without triggering a family war.

Until she learns what is wrong with her attitude and how to change herself so he will be forced to face his responsibilities, the situation isn't likely to improve."

from "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The book goes on to discuss the importance of communication - good communication - which is vital in a good marriage.

A certain sentence may be read out of context; "Until she learns what is wrong with her attitude . . . " is the sentence.

What this means is; Me, you, us - we have to change our attitude toward the alcoholic. It means "detach" and stop trying to help him or her when they can do it for themselves. This sentence is not to say "we are to blame." You and I are not to blame. We were just doing what we thought was right, because we did not have the tools.

I hope this passage from the book helps you. I also hope, that my message of trying to get peace in your own head helps. Because we need that intuitive side that we all tend to have to come back to us. The intuitive side of us, which I know I have and I know - or suspect you have - needs to come back through quieting our minds. And then when something happens, where someone points to Al-Anon, someone points to a book, someone offers something up to you to accept or not accept, maybe, just maybe there is some force trying to give you guidance, to help you.

I hope this message brings me peace, because I suppressed my intuitive side for the past six months through focusing on the chaos and trying to manage someone elses life.

Make today a good and pleasant, happy day!

Self Acceptance Self Esteem - Hand in Hand for Our Recovery

This was written this morning before work . . .

Today's blog post is derived from Dr. Robert Anthony’s book Total Self Confidence. I bought this book and multiple copies years ago as part of my recovery in trying to be more successful in my career. The book was helpful then, because I had no training or education on how my mind worked, and how my thinking was affecting my success or lack of success.

Now I read this book and see it needs to be reread from the point of view, how do I become more of myself – in order to stay a successful person - a successful adult in work and at life. I was fortunate. I was not successful, then became successful and I am not drifting (or being sucked into) toward the vortex of self-destruction through the disease of alcoholism. [Note to self; interesting that I wrote “self-destruction.” Is this true? It is interesting that I wrote this – it seems accurate – I am reacting and getting into a negative habit pattern of reacting badly.]

~~~~~~~ We pause here for a brief interlude ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife came downstairs just a second ago. I engaged in a conversation about her “not feeling well" the past two days, where she had a fever, but the temperature was down when I asked her about it. I don’t trust her. I don't believe her when she says something now. So I am sure I asked her this with the tone of not scepticism. But even here I am looking back for this second at how I got sucked into the vortex. I should never have engaged and asked. It was too tempting. I feel angst in the lower part of my abdomen and my shoulders are achy all of a sudden.

Why did I engage? I wanted acceptance from her? Why wouldn’t I? I do care for her. I want acceptance because she is the one I married and the one I want to share my feelings with. I know I cannot do this any longer – because she uses this against me as a tool to push my hot-buttons, and make me feel bad. I know this intellectually. I know not to do this. But I am still “emotionally” wanting that acceptance and feeling of “she cares for me.” I need to work on this. This seems to me, to be crazy. Avoid your wife? Don't show your weaknesses? Don't describe how you are feeling? This is insane. It defies trust and the relationship.

And this is – the exact reason as to why I am typing the next couple of paragraphs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In his book, page 31 – (Dr Robert Anthony’s book Total Self Confidence), he writes,
“It is a demonstrated fact of life that YOU CAN NEVER BE “BETTER” THAN YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM; that is, how you feel about yourself in relation to others, based on your sense of self-acceptance.

And then he writes a little later:
"Positive self-esteem is not the intellectual acceptance of one’s talents or accomplishments. It is personal self-acceptance. Developing positive self-esteem is not an ego trip. You are not in love with yourself in an egotistical sense. You simply realize that you are a truly unique and worthy individual; one who does not need to impress others with your achievements or material possessions."

Here are two statements I pulled out of the above the resonated with me:

• It is the personal self-acceptance . . . of your talents or accomplishments.
• You simply realize you are a truly unique and worthy individual.

REVISED - (Previously, it may have read to be self-centered, which it was not intended to be)
We do not need any ones acceptance of how we are as human beings. It is our acceptance of ourselves that really matters. This is not an "ego thing" or arrogance in any shape or form. It is really accepting yourself - ourselves and respecting what and who we are. We are not perfect. What I do is not perfect. But if we look at ourselves, we aren't half bad! Like the old ad, "We've come a long way baby!"

While it would be nice to have an occasional pat on the back, we should try not to become "needing" of that recognition for us to feel good about ourselves. When we begin to "need" that recognition, we place control in the hands of others and the control we give them is about whether we "like ourselves." We don't need to be "approved" of by others. No one has that "seal of approval" and no one has that kind of power.

When someone says, "Nice job," say "Thank you." Simple and sweet and short. Accept the compliment for the project or piece of work. And remember that the project you are working on is not you. Because the project may not work or may fail or it may have defects. What we do is not who we are. If we are evaluated it should be for our actions, or performance at work, but never as a human being.

When someone evaluates you or me, on a personal level, say "Thank you, I am a work in process" with no sarcasm or tone to your voice. Just, ahhhhh (releasing any tension), smiling and in a loving voice, "Thank you, I am a work in process." It will stun people and stop the evaluation. And we can depart without

So, my word to all of us is this; Love yourself unconditionally. Accept who you are. Work from where you are with what you have by working on getting better and better, every day. And last, if you slip, like we all occasionally do, don't beat yourself up about it. Learn the lesson and throw away the experience.

These quotes and statements hit me this morning. I need reminding of this point of self-acceptance every day.
Good Luck - And I hope you are well.

Al-Anon - A Place to Unburden

Yesterday was my "Al-Anon Day." I went to my meeting, my normal, regular Saturday meeting. It's amazing how much warmth I receive from this group - but yesterday was special for me. I hung around a couple of minutes after the meeting. I spoke to another man in a similar predicament as mine (his wife drinks too).

As I was leaving I was stopped several times. "Hello Joe." and "Hello Joe." Followed by hugs. I am a big guy. Never really thought of myself as huggable. I am always a little distant - "aloof" - is what my psychological/leadership assessments would say. "Aloof." Sounds like and reads like, an Albanian dog woofing. At least to me.

"Aloof." Interesting now that I am typing this. We could probably have a field day analyzing why I am distant or "aloof." The one word that pops into my head is "protection."

Protection of what? Probably my feelings. Now you know more than you care to know. TMI is what my daughter and her friends would say. "TMI dad!" Meaning, for those of us no longer with the in crowd "Too much information."

As I went through my daily morning reading ritual, I came across a section in a book I want to share that relates directly to Al-Anon. The words were magic to me this morning. I hope they make sense to you as you read them.

The book is An Adult Child's Guide To What's "Normal" (click here to link to review it). I bought a copy two weeks ago. First of all, it is a book you can skim. It is broken into readable sections short enough to digest (each chapter is 2 to 4 pages long). Or you can take out a notebook and pen and copy words and passages into the notebook.

I started to skim it. Then, I saw some things in the book that put things into perspective that I have not been dealing with. So, I took out my trusty pen and notebook and began copying sections. [This, if you have not read my earlier posts, helps me focus and helps be identify better with what the authors are saying. I have found that the message sinks into my head better when I write. I never get the depth of the message if I just read it. But when I rewrite or copy, it is amzing what happens!]

I will tell you, honestly, I held off buying this book. Why? Here's why; I was worried that I would find more things wrong with me and things I could not fix or address. And therefore, these things would become more of a burden, than they would actually help me. The truth is, I am tired of "blaming" my dad [my father was an alcoholic]. I am tired of the "you can from a screwed up family and therefore you are what you are - screwed up too. Who isn't from a screwed up family? All those who aren't, . . . raise your hand. And those who are, raise your middle finger. [Anyone finding that offensive, I apologize. It was meant to be a little humorous. Another problem I have. I'll save that one for later and we can all discuss it.]

But the book gave me an insight in one of the shortest sections. It was an insight that I want to use in closing out "How Al-Anon might help you" theme over the past week.

While the book didn't say anything about Al-Anon, it did talk about 12-Steps meetings.

Here is what it said, Chapter 23 "I Can Work This Out Myself":
The chapter is 2 pages. It talks to "isolation" and "overdependence". Isolation is not talking to anyone about what is bothering you. And the opposite, overdependence, dumping on someone so much, you rely on the person all the time. It talks of a balance between the two. Here is what it said about the benefits of a "A 12-Step Meeting (i.e. Al-Anon)."

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"What does balance look like? We see it all the time, all around us. We see it in healthy 12-Step Meetings where you can go, share your pain and your crisis, unburden yourself of some of your shame and then leave, knowing that no one is going to take repsonsibility for your own life or hover over you but also knowing that you can come back next week to share some more pain." (Friel & Friel page 111)

It is a place where we can share our pain. A place where we can unburden our shame. [A place to unburden the guilt, the fears and doubts.]

And, be able to come back next week, without being embarrassed about what you said.

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Wow! This was powerful to read this morning. Unburden. It was a safe place to unburden the shame. Al-Anon is a place where you can share your fears, doubt, stupid things you did, safely, without ridicule or judgment from others.

I hope this message makes sense to you and it has the same affect on you as it did to me this morning.

Next Saturday I am the speaker/facilitator or whatever it is called, for Saturday's Al-Anon Meeting. This will be my first time as speaker. I am reading and preparing from the Al-Anon book "Courage to Change." I will cover with you what I am thinking about saying. (As long as you don't tell anyone!)

10 + Things That Have Helped Me ... Maybe They Will Help You

Here are some things that have helped me. I want to share these with you - all of you. They may sound simple, too simple. But what I have learned is this; all great things in life are simple. It's our failure to practice them that makes it hard.

1. Here is something I USED to do and have started to do it again. It restored some of my better thinking to what it used to be. It is this; Get sleep. You need 7 to 8 hours of sleep. I have read numerous studies how a lack of sleep will make you sick. It makes you gain weight. It makes you irritable. I try to have the house buttoned down and locked up by 9PM. My child is in bed by 8:30PM. Then, I spend time reading something "inspirational" - today I am reading "Total Self-Confidence" (I am re-reading it - it is about HOW YOU THINK. It is NOT about power and manipulation.) I turn off the telephone. Sometimes I unplug it!!! I cannot stand when people break the, "Don't call past 9PM rule" (albeit - it is an unwritten rule - Has any one besides me heard of this rule???)

2. Get up - at 5AM. Shower up, go downstairs, get the coffee going. And read again. Same thing. Read something inspirational. I also studied business books to turn my professional career around. Now I am back to inspirational. They make me feel good and they make me a better person and leader at home and at work. The books I read are written by experts, by the way and I model myself after the ideas and people in the books. The art of sitting and reading takes tons of discipline - (which is exactly what we need to practice right now) -

Harry Ward Beecher said, "The first hour of the morning is the rudder of your day." And he was right. Start it off by reading something that will set your mind right and the course for your day heading in the direction.

This little tool, reading early in the morning, for at least one-hour, sent me from rags to riches. It didn't keep me from marrying an alcoholic however! But today, it will SAVE your sanity.

3. Go to the Public Library. Get books on "How To Think" - they are usually labeled as "Self Help" by people who try to make people feel bad about reading them. You will find very inspirational stories that will make you feel better. Going to the library is something we should all do more often. The books are free!!!

4. Fire the paperboy. Do not read the the paper in the morning. It's full of bad news. YOU do not need bad news.

5. Turn off the TV at night before you go to bed. If the first hour in the morning is the rudder of your day, and sometimes called the "Golden Hour", then the last hour, the hour before you fall off to sleep is the "Magic Hour" since it is what you are feeding your mind to dream about. Think of the first morning hour and the last evening hour as bookends - Positive bookends to your day. You don't need to hear about the rape or killing before you go to sleep at night ! (and you know it! don't you?) Admit it. There is nothing good on TV that you cannot live with out!

6. Make lists of things to do. (Your "To Do's"). After you read in the morning for an hour, (by the way, I found myself starting this at 6AM first, then I got up at 5:30AM and then 5AM, and then I was up at 4:30AM - so I could get more reading in!! It's exhilarating!!) make a list of the thing you want to get done today. Work from a list and force yourself to write everything down. When you complete an item on the list, take a pen and strike through the item. There is a great sense of relief and excitement to seeing things knocked off the list. Even if it is small - like calling the paper to cancel delivery!!

7. Eat right. Exercise too. With stress - and let's face it - we are STRESSED out to the MAX!!!! We need relief. Food may become our addiction. Don't let it. Many women become binded up inside - if you know what I mean. You feel bloated - which puts you in a bad mood. Well, men have this problem too. But it is more prevalent with women. So watch out what you eat. Watch out for cheeses, pastas and fatty foods at this time.And exercise. Even if you just do sit-ups, squats, or push ups, do something. Exercise is important now.

8. When reading in the morning, try to get close to a window with the sunrising. You will absolutely see the prettiest sunrises ever AND there is something magic in the morning about the sun coming up and in through the window, first thing in the morning. I am beating this reading and morning thing to death because when I have given this advice to others, and they followed it, they have become BRAND new people. But you have to MAKE THIS A HABIT and NEVER LEAVE IT. I left it. I became lazy. It was because I started staying up past 9;45PM at night. I was too busy and it affected my life - in a bad way.

9. Get out of the house if you are working from home. Even if it is to go to have coffee outside the home. Get out and see people, if you don't work or work from home.

10. Write out affirmations. And say them out loud. Do this in the morning. Affirmations are positive, present tense, and personal (3 P's). There is magic in writing them and saying them out loud 0 with a touch of enthusiasm. Do these 10 every day AND Watch your life TURN AROUND. You will feel good. You will attract positive things and people to you. Live each day as ONE BIG POSITIVE affirmation.

11. Turn off your car radio if going to work or just driving around. Listen to Anthony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Brian Tracy or someone who will teach you how to think better. Listen to someone positive and optimistic or educational. The average person drives over 7 hours a week. That's 364 hours a week. That's 9 forty hour work weeks in your car or 2 to 4 university semesters you could be using to learn something new just by driving around!!

12. Go To Al-Anon. Only they will know what you are going through. However, watch the negative talk you find yourself doing after the first 10 meetings. While you want to vent, you want to shift the spot light off the alcoholic and on to yourself!!!

13. Stop hanging around people who pull you down. Really really stop. No matter who they are. Do not get sucked into a negative conversation. Stop if it happens by saying, "Let talk about this person's positive traits today." or say, "Let's talk about what we are going to do to become better people." Or - just say, "I have got to go - I forgot I had to do something." Avoid negative people like the plague.

14. Cultivate an "Attitude of Gratitude." Stop talking about negative things and look for the good in all things ad people. This is an attitude of gratitude. Say, "I am grateful because of _____ ." If you write this out - and think about what you are grateful for, you will focus your energies on the positive. Even if you have to say, "Thank you God, that I did not become the alcoholic." As horrible as that might sound, think about it. What if this was you? What if you became the person with the addiction? "Oh my God!" is what I said, when I asked myself this question. And I said to myself, "This thing "- that happened to my wife - "was perhaps my wake up call." (I stopped drinking completely - just in case it was a wake up call from God) I am grateful that I did not get such a terrible disease. So now I am thinking about little things I take for granted: I am thankful that I have a house with a good roof. I am thankful I have a computer and I can type with my fingers. I am thankful I can see! I am grateful for ____. Dr. Martin Seligman (that Positive guy who studied optimism) found an attitude of gratitude is singularly responsible for authentic happiness, and living a long life.

15. Make your mind up that this IS the only life you are going to have on this earth. No matter how bad you feel - you are going to FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. Pretend if you have to. You are going to act like you are happy, and you are going to act like you are positive, and you are going to act like you are the nicest and best person in the world. You are going to act saintly. When you "act" - you find yourself truly acting and feeling better. It's a psychology tool you can use. When you are feeling down, pretend you are an actor and have to act a part or role. It changes you in about 5 minutes of acting and pretending. Further, let's you and I stop thinking about and conjuring up all the crap we have lived with and gone through. Let's you and I take all the crap we have gone through and bury it - let's really bury it!! You and I are going to visualize it all being stuff into a large sack - one item at a time - getting stuffed into that sack. And you are going to bury it in the backyard - deep in a hole - never to be unearthed ever again. Visualize this - try it and see it happening. You may have to bury this crap (visualize this) 10 or 20 times before it take affect.

16. Last - never be too proud to say "I am sorry." If you have a hard time with these words - try these "I apologize." Say it with strength and say it with conviction. There is power in these two words "I apologize." No more. No explaining. Just those words. For men - who think apologizing is weak - it is the opposite. Only the strong can apologize. And take this too; Say, "I appreciate you."

I write this post for me today and I hope for you too got something out of it.

PS - Remember this is all for you. This is a get-well program for you. The addict is never mentioned here. When your loved one sees changes in you, he or she will be - let's say - fascinated.

PPS - And there are some friends who are reading this - who have addictions - You too can practice these 12 tools and have tremendous results I believe. There is nothing "super ordinate" about these practices.
I can tell you these do take time. But the pay off is feeling better and you will see your life turn around.

Out of Town

My job requires me to travel. Today, last night, I am out of town. It usually means my qualifier - spouse - can go get wine and drink while my daughter is at school.

I worry about that. I used to worry a lot more. Why am I not worrying about this as much this time?

I think I know why. I used to think no one believed me, that my qualifier was an alcoholic or had a problem drinking. This made me crazy. I kept on trying to "prove" to others that she had a problem. Not overtly like Paul Revere riding through town. I think I did this because for the past several years my wife told her family and friends that I was an asshole (I can be sometimes - or was), and that I was a controlling person (this I never was, in fact, if I could delegate control and have someone else be in charge, I'd be very happy).

So,

Anytime I said something about thinking that my wife was drinking today, that I would think people looked at me "as just being that asshole again - just making an excuse to try to curtail by controlling my wife's drinking."

So,

Why am I not worried - or as worried as I used to be? Is the answer because now we all know she does have a problem, and that if I ask for help, I can get it?

I still carry the three bottles of wine in the trunk of my car, that I fished out of a trash container in front of a major grocery store, in broad daylight, with nice people with children going in and out of this past summer. Fishing three bottles out of a trash container is a funny story, of which I am very proud of (proud is a word that is a little blustery - "OK with" might be better). But others in Al-Anon that I have told that story to, may have them wondering about me and my sanity. It is a funny story though - we'll tell it soon. You can decide whether to laugh at me or with me. And the good news is, I will never know :-) !

So,

Why the three bottles still in the trunk of my car? The answer is, I think, because the power of decepton was so great, that I doubted myself when I thought she was drinking. And I began to think I was the one with the problem. I was the one who some how caused this drinking, or this argument, or this sense of worthlessness I sometimes feel at home, or any of the other multitude of problems our marriage faced(s). The three bottles are a reminder, that I am not crazy. That she did drink them in 35 minutes, from her friends house, on the way home, to our house, so she wouldn't have "lost time" in the day.

So,

Why am I not worried? I am going to ponder this. I hope I don't get myself worried by pondering.

Oooops. I almost did it. You know, I am not going to ponder. This is one of those things below the surface, that is scratching the thin veneer trying break through to cause me to spiral until I spiral out of control. I will not ponder. Move on and through it.

This morning I am going to workout. I am going to substitute one thing for another (workout for a ponder). Then shower up and head to Starbucks and read something inspirational. I carry with me a pocket sized book of The Secret Formula for Total Success (now called Beyond Positive Thinking). Don't be put off with the title. It explains how your mind works and how to make it work for things you want to achieve, be, have, etc.