Happiness

From the same book - by Ari Kiev

A quote from Richard L Evans;

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have."

I would like to provide a different - modified version;

"May we never let the things we have done or haven't done, spoil our enjoyment of the things we are are doing. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to happy with what we are doing." [not what we have done wrong or done badly]

I would also add - ". . . don't allow the things we have done, keep us from doing what we could be doing."

My brain is so crazy - I beat myself up for stupid things I have done. I flog myself. I use self-perpetuated guilt. I am doing that now - I did some dumb things in the past few weeks.

I am catching myself - and I need to be gentle with myself - something I don't do very well.

I looked up this person - Evans. And this is what I found:

Richard L. Evans is best known for his inspirational messages given in the long-running weekly radio program "Music and the Spoken Word" with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. As a General Authority of the Mormon Church, he was one of their most senior leaders.

Evans became employed at KSL Radio in Salt Lake City as a staff announcer in 1930. This began his long association with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, for he announced the titles of compositions and gave station identification for the broadcast of programs that included hymns and choral works backed by The Tabernacle Organ. In time he began to include some short thoughts associated with the musical selections. These were well received and soon evolved into non-denominational inspirational "sermonettes" usually less than two minutes, about moral principles, the inter-relationships of people, and the proper approach to life. His messages were ecumenical in nature, pointing out that the differences between people are not as great as what they have in common. [emphasis added - mine]

Other quotes:

• The undertaking of a new action brings new strength.
• I don't think anything is unrealistic if you believe you can do it.
• Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
• Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.

PS - I am not endorsing nor opposing Mormons or any other religion, sect or nationality.

Letting Go

I went to a noon day Al-Anon meeting. I sat there with my mouth closed and I prayed.

I have been doing a lot of praying lately. I have never been a pray-er before Al-Anon.

About a year and a half ago a therapist my wife and I were seeing, told me to go to Al-Anon. My wife had stormed out of the meeting - she was drunk and neither the therapist nor me recognized that she was blitzed until 40 minutes into the session.

Spiritual
He said - "Are you a spiritual person?" My thoughts were: Are you freaking crazy???!! I have a wife who drives around town drunk with children in the car. Are you asking me to worship some sort of thing?!

I had no clue what spiritual meant. I think about this now as I type this. You see I forgot about this - and the question the therapist asked me. And I forgot how the question triggered in me a sense of - "Are you for freakin' real???"

The Al-Anon Meeting - Letting Go
But this post is about letting go. The topic was Progress not Perfection and Letting Go. Everyone commented on Progress. I don't think I am a perfection addict. I would like to be seen as brilliant - is that perfection? Maybe.

My Burning Issue of the Week
I sat in the room and listened - but I prayed to "let go." I was obsessing over my wife's comments from the morning before - she said the counsellor at school was very disturbed about my daughter's comments about me and she - the counselor - was going to call the state's Family and Child Protective Services on me. Now, you talk about fear? I left the conversation with my wife with so much fear - I was calling everyone. I finally got hold of the school counsellor and she said, "What? I have no thoughts about calling them. What I can tell is you are providing consequences for your child's bad behavior." I have taken her cell phone away for a day or two at a time, taken away computer privileges and one time - no - two times sent her to her room. I could not be seen as an oger or some weirdo that needs the state to be brought in. But the alcoholic - or the alcoholism - will lie. It will outfox the most brilliant. And it has staying power. Just when you let your guard down - BAMM! You are on the ropes.

Letting Go and Compassion
Anyway - I am letting go. Or trying to. I find that if I can feel compassion for my wife - the anger dissipates. Look, she is ill. She is stressed about the divorce as well. Yes, she has plenty of money. Yes, she chooses not to work. Yes, she is mad at me. All of these things are none of my business and - I don't need to think about them - (but I do!). She does what I call "mean things." Yep - mean equals setting me up about this calling the state Child Protective Services. Yep. And I think she is manipulating our child. Yep. But what can I do? She is - frankly - sick.

So, I feel compassion for her - when I want to heal. Yes, is compassion for her - or is it for me? I used to think it was for the alcoholic. But in reality, it is for me. Because I can let go by using or thinking with compassion. It may be the best tool I have - for me!

I am - in recovery - and damn proud of it. If I obsess or get into her head - is that going to help me or hurt me? I know the answer; it's going to hurt me. It will loop me back to old behavior. My ego is addicted to the old behavior and wants me to go back there.

Letting go is knowing I have no control of the past, nor what others are doing or saying.

A Couple of Quotes
I have a couple of quotes from Robert Anthony here. I hope they help you today;

• Everything you have not cleared up from the past is running your life now.
• What you have today is the result of your ideas yesterday.
• You limit yourself in being stuck in your possessions and accomplishments.
• The decisions we made in order to survive when we were 8 years old are the decisions we allow to run our lives now.
• We learn to be happy by healing our fears.
• The "art of release" can be very healing in that we learn to let of that which does not belong to us.
• Actually, we don't own anything. Everything in our lives tend to circulate in and out of our experience.

Letting go of the past. Especially the things we used to survive. And we don't own anything. If I can hold onto those two thoughts forever, I feel some consolation? Is that the right word?

I came into the world with nothing and I will leave the world with nothing.

I don't need to be anything for anyone. I just need to be. Be me.

Hope you are well

12th Step - Having A Spiritual Awakening

Last night I went to a meeting - and the topic was on the 12th Step;

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I sat quietly in this meeting. I sat quietly - which is some what unusual for me - because I couldn't think of anything really "smart" to say (my ego wants to sound smart and impress others), and because I was tired. I realize now, that when I am tired, I am not my best and I am probably not very coherent. Now, you might say, "That's what you learned in Al-Anon???" Yep. It's one of the simple things, that in the past, I would not admit to, and "gut it out" and say just about anything so that I could sound "on" and not tired. Today, I can keep my mouth closed (not always) and just chill.

But this is not what I want to talk about today.

I want to share this:

Having had a spiritual awakening. Have I? Many shared that nothing came down from the heavens and hit them on the head and has given them an "Aha" moment or a great light came and provided them enlightenment.

Miracles
I sat thinking in the meeting as others were talking - about all the things that happened that I cannot explain. The cardinals that came to my old home and then showed up at my new home and did some strange things and about a story of a cardinal in a meeting before the first hearing (something that I have not really revealed in this blog - that might appear as if I was was a little nuts - so I won't). The events that led me to a new job - a job that requires no travel versus the job I had before which was about 60% travel, that I had to scale back to 20 to 30% travel. And finding a new job - in fact several - in the midst of tough times. About meeting new people who are in a situation like mine.

All of these events above and others - that I consider - simply miraculous. Yes. I can say that word.

Finding God (or MY Higher Power)
But that is not my spiritual awakening. Even finding "God" or my HP in this program is not "Having had a spiritual awakening . . ." - at least not to me - although it could be.

The "although it could be" (above sentence - just reread that for a moment) - is part of what I am referring to.

I have tried to stop analyzing things and stopped thinking too deeply - but this is not always true.

Thinking Too Much (Part of the Spiritual Awakening)
The stopping of analyzing things IS part of my spiritual awakening. It is the little things that take me into my egoic mind and starts to reek havoc. The train wreck that comes about from thinking and more thinking.

Becoming More Conscious
I used to think I was pretty conscious. But this disease affected me a lot. It affected me minute by minute and covered me up with layers of thick blankets to where I could not tell what was real or illusions (my mind over thinking). I had layers of "denial" and "pretending everything was just swell."

I am becoming more conscious. I am in recovery. I am - seeing things differently. This is coming from a guy who has thousands - and I do mean thousands of books, audio programs, and video programs that HAVE HELPED me, and who thought he KNEW and KNOWS.

I remember two conversations at my wife's rehab center that are germane to this topic with one of the counselors. He said - I think it was the very first meeting; "We've all read all the self help books. But it is not until you are in a room like this." We were in a circle "discussing" - or "sharing" - much like Al-Anon.

In Recovery (and Admitting It!)
The second comment came from the same individual. He said, "Joe and his wife are in the early stages of recovery." Now for the record, my wife, was still drinking and later admitted it. I knew it - and I resented that statement about "She was in early in recovery" because my heart and mind and intuition were all screaming "She's drinking and won't stop." I wanted the truth to be on the table. I now know I am not in charge of her recovery nor am I responsible for the being the "truth teller." This is NOT my job.

This is easy to say NOW, now that I am no longer living with an alcoholic - an active alcoholic - one who is provoking and criticizing. I let you know this - because I would be lying to you if I said I could handle alcoholism again and live with it. I can't. I won't. But this is ME. I am not as strong as others are. I can admit that now. Even though - I believe a person who has the disease - can be the most beautiful and compassionate and most spiritual person. I can't because - I am too afraid of "what could happen."

But back to the point - I was - and still am in recovery. I hated that word. At the time, I "knew" there was nothing wrong with me. Duh. Denial? Yeah, maybe. Maybe more like ignorance.

Awakening, Slowly, Day By Day
The 12th Step is more around the "awakening" part. I am never fully "awakened." I am continously awakening - awakening from sleep - gaining consciousness - little by little, one day at a time, seeing things differently and seeing me, and how I see things as affecting how I see things and interpret events.

I am becoming more at ease with myself and others. I still rankle at when someone judges me. So I am not recovered on this part. But the program, that "spiritual awakening" for me is a continuous process of seeing things differently and using the previous 11 Steps as a foundation for me to live by - in and out of the program.

Not Part of the 12th Step (But Maybe it is . . . )
I hope this makes sense. But, there again, there is part of my recovery. Hoping this makes sense for you is - well, er, is, hmmm, "none of my business." Yep. Sounds harsh to an Al-Anoner. But truly, it is - "out of my control."

Boy, saying this, does sound weird and - frankly - uncaring. But that is my problem - how I think I sound to others.

The Easy Button - Getting Provoked

I must wear a big "easy button" on my chest. Why is it that the alcoholic can provoke and stir up such negative emotions in us?

They know exactly what buttons to push, don't they? And of course, we want so desperately to respond, don't we? And if we respond, what does it get us?

My answer: Nothing. It just makes us more frustrated. We respond expecting that we are talking to a normal person, hoping to gain love, acceptance, and maybe just understanding of our feelings or how we view the world.

We have to remember we are dealing with a person who is ill.

Someone said, this disease of alcoholism is like cancer. I thought about this and I disagree. The disease is more like a person who is mentally deranged or specifically, someone who is neurotic, has psychosis, and/or is narcissistic.

Yes, we can feel compassion for this person. But the analogy of this disease compared to someone who has cancer is NOT accurate. The person with cancer has compassion. He or she may be consumed with his or her disease of cancer, but they still feel for others and care about the feelings of others and the world others are living in.

The alcoholic - when they are in full bloom - can be an ass. They are self-centered and they are delusional. They think what they think and how they think is the way everyone else should think. They see themselves as the center of the universe, with all the stars and planets revolving around them. This is their disease.

I am not saying not to feel compassion for them. But it is a lot harder when they are in full bloom. And just because they are sober today, does not mean that their disease has gone away. It is still there. It has affected their minds. It has destroyed brain cells. In fact, the killing of brain cells may put them at 16 years old in their thought processes, when their physical body is 40 years old.

It takes years of recovery before they can get back to their true age. I understand when this happens, it is a beautiful thing. But, the alcoholic has to be sober (and this means NO drink) for sometimes over a year - sometimes two years.

It is a nightmare of a disease. But it is not like cancer.

And this "easy button" thing, well they provoke to deflect the disease of alcoholism from being the cause of all their problems. When we respond, they rationalize to themselves that we are at fault and that they are pure and good. That may be an over generalization, but there is a lot of truth to this, at least I believe it to be true.

The compassion thing? Well I think if we have compassion, it may keep us from responding, by reminding ourselves that this is a terrible disease and the compassion may be the most beneficial to us and not so much to the alcoholic. So I am all for compassion if is helps us and keeps us from worrying, and responding to the buttons being pushed.

I hope this little message helps you today.

PS - I was provoked today, yesterday and the day before. Damn, I have to read my own posts!

PPS - Also, I believe there are people who push our buttons, (not just our qualifiers) because we have shown them how and what to push, by our reacting either by being defensive, by cringing, taking them on, telling others what happened etc. Let's let these "issues" go and show that we are better than what we were (not better than the other person - because we all are frail humans - and we don't want to get into a comparison battle) - and demonstrate our alignment to the universe.

Distrust

Yesterday, I flew back into the airport and went directly to an Al-Anon meeting. It was a good meeting. It's filled with men and women. And some children. We are all children, aren't we?

And: We all struggle. We are all human. We are all frail.

About Al-Anon and the people there: You will find some of the nicest people in the world here. I think I know why. We have removed the veneer off ourselves, to be ourselves. We have removed the facade. We are all people who have emotions and problems we deal with.

This is so much better than going to the neighbor's house for drinks. Everyone puts on the airs. Everyone tries to be what they want reflected outward.

In the meeting, this little poem was handed out. And we spoke about distrust and how trust had to be won back over time.

Here is the poem.

'Twas the night before tomorrow,

.........And all through the house,

I locked up my money,

.........And so did my spouse.

We hate to do it,

.........But now, it's a must,

Until our dear child,

.........Can earn back our trust.

..........................................................- An Ode to Families Anonymous

I think or used to think I was pretty smart. I based my whole life and business career on trust. In the past, if someone broke a promise, I would cut them out of my business life.

Today, I am not so sure I would. I might try to be more understanding and find out why they did not do what they said they would do.