A Request From A Reader

The following request was made by a reader. Here is her question. Please add your thoughts as you feel appropriate.

Just a word to the person making this request for advice. None of us are qualified to provide any advice . . . We can give you examples and ideas of what actions you could take. However, I say this with caution - the advice is worth exactly as much as you paid for it. We are not in your shoes. We have no emotional attachment. And we can hardly understand your situation.

BUT . . . There ARE some things you can do, such as; "Keep the focus on you" and what you can do to set up "boundaries" and "detach with love" . . . .

Here is the request from a reader:
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I need advice. My husband has been cutting back on his alcohol usage. It was causing great pain within our marriage. His father is an alcoholic and alcohol is the bond shared between the two whenever they get together.

My mother in law has chosen not to ever discuss the pain in her marriage to an alcoholic and I respect that. I have mentioned to her several times that my husband, her son, struggles with abusing alcohol. Sadly, she points at me as being far from perfect,end of talk. At our most recent family gathering I mentioned to her that our marriage was improving since we were actively taking measures to address the alcohol abuse and he'd agreed to cut back.

A month goes by and she calls my husband via his cellphone and invites him home to New York to spend quality time with his father in a BAR watching and Irish football game for the weekend. I am hurt by her attempts to separate my husband from his family in TX and place him in an environment that he's weakest in.

Anytime spent with his father always revolves around excess beer drinking. She didn't invite me or speak with me about this. I'm pretty sure she knows how I'd feel. I feel she's not respecting me and our children. We have 3. They need a healthy father. I hoped she'd support his efforts to cut back and not place a gun to his disease.

Any thoughts on how I should respond? I feel she's not being respectful of me. Please help.

Thx in advance and sorry this is so long.

It Will Work Out or . . .

At Al-Anon meetings we keep the focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic. This can be hard to do, especially when we are living with the disease and it is active. It is harder even still, when there are little children involved. This - I know - firsthand.

So, I hope I can provide you with strength, hope and courage - every morning and every day from my posts. Today I want to post a comment I picked up and wrote down from a recent meeting.

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One wise man said, "When I was worried about something I had no control over, I called my sponsor. He listened to what I was worrying about and then said, 'Here's what will happen. One of two things will happen. It will either, work out . . . or, it will, work out.'"

Interesting. If we know things will just work out, that we have no control over some things and that, the God of our understanding, will oversee this for us, this can be freeing.
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In Step 1 we learn and relearn - we are "powerless over alcohol" and that our lives have become "unmanageable." Once we know this one thing, once we have admitted and committed this one thing over to memory and not react or respond to everyone and everything, we can begin to see we need something greater than ourselves, to turn all this stuff over to. We can begin to see that there has to be a God (or a Higher Power if you prefer). That God, or our HP, doesn't care what we call him or her. That the God of our understanding is there - always there and doesn't get caught up in the petty words we chose to call him or her - i.e. whether we call him God or our HP. He just is.

This is new to me, this turning things over to God or our Higher Power. I am realizing for the first time, that I have carried too much, for too many people, for too long. I couldn't possibly be and do everything for everyone else. I used to think everything was my responsibility to solve. Now, I admit, I did draw the line when it came to politics, world hunger, and foreign affairs. But in matters surrounding work and family, I was there, ready to carry the whole ball of wax.

Whether we go to church or not, God is there. He is always there for us and waiting to help, if we ask and we just allow ourselves to ask for help.

He may not answer our call exactly as we want it to be and may not answer it in the time frame we desire, but it will be answered in the way it is supposed to be.

After all, either it will . . . work out or, it will . . . work out.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/7/08 and runs to Sunday 3/9/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is me. I am one of my favorite people and yet at the same time, I am one of my harshest critics. I have had a tough time recently not knowing where my life will go, but I know that in my heart of hearts, that things always work out for the best.


This is where we start. I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on:

"Enabling"

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I am one of the most messed up on this subject. I thought I was helping all this time. Then I found out I was not only enabling, but I was also crossing boundaries by getting into other person is one of our regular visitors to this blog and provides a lot of good comments. She is encouraging and hopeful.

I find that enabling leads to codependence for us. How is this you might ask. Well, let's pretend you did ask. The answer dear reader is that we "help" so much, we become "needy" in that we need to help almost always. We offer to help and do for others, that which they should do for themselves.

People think this is great . . . . . . . . . that is, at first. Then it gets on their nerves. That is, if they are not an alcoholic or addict. It becomes, to the "normal" person, sort of, yucky. Like being too available. Too much "on."

So I am going to read from the Al-Anon approved literature, the book, "Hope for Today" from page 122;
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Today I know I was the perfect enabler. My autocratic behavior deprived my husband of responsibility. I tried in vain to control him and to keep him "dry." Eventually I felt only hate and disgust toward my husband and alcohol. My life seemed totally worthless, and the I felt deprived of a shoulder to lean against, a safe place to cry.

Then I was led to Al-Anon. . . . "I learned I could not save him, but I could save myself. This was my chance to jump off the merry-go-round called denial before I slipped under it and was crushed.

I especially had to learn that my way of helping was not really helping. I had to do something differently. At Al-Anon meetings in my country, they call detachment letting off in love." I was unable to let him off in love. However, I decided I could let him fall gently.

That's what I did, and slowly my life started to feel worthwhile again. I began taking care of myself. I practice thinking positively by using the Steps and slogans. Prayer and mediation help me become balanced and content. . .."

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I believe we as children of alcoholic, or spouses or friends can learn from this definition of enabling versus helping;

Enabling; "is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

Whereas, Helping; "is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

This spills not only over into enabling our alcoholic qualifier. But these behaviors manifest themselves in all of our relationships. You will see this behavior at work, with our children, with our boyfriends and girlfriends - past, present, and future.

By doing anything, and everything, makes us feel good at first. Our self-esteem becomes tied to this source of doing for people. But we begin to feel unappreciated over time. Why? Because by being "too there" - being "too available" - no one appreciates us because they become accustomed to our helping. And, frankly, people take advantage of us. They don't appreciate it, they just give us more to do and expect it from us. By allowing this to happen, we are sending signals, that we are not worth much, and we are allowing our boundaries to become trodden upon.

And this is all because by always doing for people, people do not value us. We become their personal lackey. This is due to the fact that a "new normal" has been set up in the relationship. The "new normal" is: You do. I do not.

When we stop helping, people are angry. People are not used to this "new selfishness" from us. And then guilt sets in. And, we sometimes give in, by continuing to do.

Some examples of enabling behaviors are:

1. Working regularly after hours at the office, by "helping" others, and they go home
2. Buying the alcoholic alcohol
3. Cleaning up after the alcoholic
4. Paying the alcoholic's bills (even the little ones)
5. Setting up appointments for the doctor's office for the alcoholic
6. Making the dinner, cleaning up after everyone, and washing the dishes and never eating because, that's "your role."
7. Picking up your kids, the neighbors kids and watching every one's children and no one returns the favor or says "yes" but acts like it's a real burden
8. Getting a good feeling when people ask you to do something you know you have to sacrifice time and other things you'd rather be doing
9. Getting angry/upset/slighted when someone asks someone else to do something, when you are perfectly able to it
10. Juggling 12 things, at the same time, and getting that rush

This is a good place to stop. Please provide ideas of how you have been brought up, or how you do too much, or how you are doing for people who should be doing it themselves.

My best to you this weekend.

What Is Enabling

What is enabling? For addressing alcoholism and addiction, for the codependent, Al-Anon members. For spouses and parents of addicts. For the alcoholic, as well

Lessons Learned: We all do it. A great way to recognize you are doing it. How to learn to stop.

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What Is Enabling?
Let's start with the definition of "enabling" first:

"Enabling is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

This definition came from the Family Meeting last night. It is a "classic" definition. I looked it up on the internet this morning. I heard this definition many times before at these Wednesday night meetings. The difference last night was - I carried a notebook and I wrote the definition down. I know the people in the room thought I was nuts (Nuts for the notebook this time. The newcomers couldn't tell if I was nuts, because I didn't talk. I think they thought I was a spy. I just want to accelerate my learning. And spy. And steal good ideas.)

I asked the difference between the "fine line" between "enabling" and "helping."

And actually there is not a fine line. The difference is very clear.

First note the emphasis on the word "should" in the definition above.

Here is the definition of the word "helping";

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Note the emphasis on the words, "not capable."

Is This Cruel?
We are so used to helping people we are now confused what the difference is between enabling and providing this help. This is so sad. So many of us sat around that circle last night helping our spouses and children for so long, that it seemed so natural, that when we talked about stopping, some people talked about how this might be cruel. This word cruel did not come up. It was right under the surface of the conversation however.

I believe, that it is more cruel to allow a child to grow up not knowing what responsibility is and not taking it. Responsibility is almost the flip side of enabling - at least in my eyes. Without taking and wanting responsibility and being accountable for their decisions, some children never grow up. That is cruel, at least in my mind.

We don't want our children to fail or get hurt. Of course. Who does?

But what if you kept on helping your child to try to walk when they were two years old. What if you enabled them to get around and not allow them to stand because they might fall? And therefore never learned to stand and walk because of your fear of them falling?

What About Us? What About Our Adults?
We often try to "help" alcoholics. These times of "help" are actually "enabling" (look at the definition again). We make it easier for them to continue down their path of self-destruction and eventual death because we don't allow them to fail.

So they don't feel the consequences of their actions (another key word, this consequences). So, as time goes on they expect you to help them. They have fallen into a habit pattern of relying on others, coaxing others, decieving others, charming others, just to get the "help" to get by. in the progression of the disease. They have learned charm and lying to get what they want. Action/behavior ---> Reward. Pavlov's dog salivating right here. Cause, effect.

Consequences (By the way, can be positive and negative, not just negative)
Just when we think we are being good samaritans, good parents, good spouses, someone comes along ans says, "You are not helping you are actually hurting."

The disease of alcoholism is baffling, cunning and powerful. Don't forget it. And don't for a minute think that alcoholism is just the alcoholic's disease. Alcoholism is the disease of the entire family.

Enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect; It allows the alcoholic to avoid the pain and problems (the consequences) of their actions. By avoiding pain, why stop? There is nothing wrong with this behavior, so the thinking of the alcoholic goes. No matter how small of large they screw up, someone is there to bail them out.

There is not learning from his or her mistakes.

And, if you are a student of human growth, we learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes.


Why do we do this?

1. We fall into the habit slowly. The slow-boil analogy. Doing it a little bit at a time, every day, for years.
2. We also learn it from our parents, who learned it from their parents, who . . . . It has become a normal way of life.
3. We want to help!
4. We get lied to. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice . . .
5. "We'll do this, just this once . . . " (or so we say)
6. "It's only a small thing, it's just gas money." (or money for food, a pizza, a dentist, etc.)

In the Office? Or At Home. It's Still The Same:

By the way, we carry these habits into our office. We help. Or we enable. Next thing we know is we are in the office late and everyone else has gone home. And here we are doing someone else's work, while they are eating dinner with their family or at the ball game watching their son play, while we are missing ours. Does this sound familiar?

See codependency - click here

Breaking Co-Dependency - Second Step

"If you think you are dependent upon another individual -you are!" Dr. Robert Anthony

Our Circles - Who We Are and What We Do
Whenever we see a loved one's life in disarray, part of us wants to jump in and manage it. Think of a circle drawn around a person's feet. The circle represents who that person is. The circle is their work life, their family and the interaction with the family, their obligations - like paying the bills, household duties, etc. It represents their promises and commitments, their hopes and dreams and their beliefs - such as religion, politics, self, etc.

We all have a circle. Don't reflect on the size of the circle. Just visualize this.

When we see someone step outside the circle, they stop paying the bills, they don't go to their work, - they don't do what they are supposed to do . . .

The person - us - wants to "fix" things. And we "jump into their circle." We still have ours - by the way! We try to manage or help the other person by managing the things they have to get done.

"No" is a Complete Sentence.
We still try to manage and get done the other things we have to do too. We - in essence - are doing the work of two!!!! Let me give you some examples:

1. We pay the bill for a son who got the DUI.
2. We allow the son to borrow money from us to go buy something they cannot afford (nor can we - by the way!).
3. We call into the office of our spouse to tell the people there, that our spouse is sick today, and cannot make it.
4. We tell people when our spouse is passed out drunk, that they had a long week and are tired.

We make excuses, we do things for them, we allow them to "get off the hook" by not facing reality. At the same time our lives become unmanageable. We cannot manage two lives. Hell, we can barely manage our own. What in the world makes you think you can do both????

This is where we become sick. We become unmanageable. Our children suffer. Our work suffers. We feel like we are a prisoner - in some odd manner.

Visualize yourself standing, one foot in the addicts circle and another foot in your circle. The addict has drifted out of their circle. He or she sees someone managing the circle. They may think, "I don't need to come back. Some body (you) is taking care of me (my circle - my obligations."

Or -The addict may think, "I will keep drinking" (or using). They don't even care about their circle (their old self). They are "not in reality." Their drinking becomes worse. They reality is further covered up.

You - So you are helping - trying to stabilize and keep things together. You are in two lives. Here's what happens;

1. You are trying live both and doing a "sucky" job doing it - and you know it.


2. Sooner or later you start to lose your identity.


3. Sooner or later you don't remember you are.


4. You have glimpses of a life - a previous life you lived. You see this old self.


5. You miss your "old self". You get "pissed off." You want it back.


6. Your anger becomes misdirected.


7. You lash out at people at your office (the last place you want to do this by the way).


8. You lash out at your spouse's family (and you become labeled a "bitch" or an "asshole" - and of course you feel guilty/bad about this and you think they think "No wonder he/she drinks." adding more guilt/bad feelings to your psyche).


9. You may lash out at your children about something trivial.


10. You begin to isolate yourself because you don't want to "burden others."


11. You feel stuck. You are in a death spiral.

Break it. Say, "No." The word "No" is a complete sentence. It's a long-time get well process. It doesn't happen over night. It takes courage and one small step at a time. Because you have to "ween" others off it too - the ones who know you are always there for them.

Next post - More on co-dependency. By the way, who am I to write about co-dependency? I am "Mr. Co-Dependency" and don't you forget it! I write this today, with the full knowledge I can break this, but tomorrow, I am back. This post is dedicated to the therapists at the clinic, who will remain nameless and who are so dedicated that they give out their time almost 24 by 7 to family and addicts. God Bless them. I do not know how they do it.

Last, the work here is from Virginia Satir. Satir served as the director of training at the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto from 1959-66 and at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur beginning in 1966. In addition, Satir gave lectures and led workshops in experiential family therapy across the country. She was well-known for describing family roles, such as "the rescuer" or "the placator," that function to constrain relationships and interactions in families (Nichols & Schwartz, 1998. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 4th ed. Allyn & Bacon).