Monday, March 30, 2009

Just In - Decisions & Taking Action

On Decisions and Taking Action. "Just In" - Just in is a News Flash. A type of reminder. It is always helpful to me to be reminded of the "obvious."

From "A Strategy for Success" by Ari Kiev. From the Chapter "The Mastery of Stress." This is on "Goal Selection." But I think it is appropriate for just living. Here is the little passage;

"To reduce indecision, try concentrating on what you prefer to do rather than what you believe you should do. This will speed action. Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding its perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

Saturday, March 28, 2009


I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.

The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).

And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Great Quote - That Says It All

Can't remember where I read it - but here it is. A great quote, that says it all:

"Don't make the common mistake of believing what you think."

One of my problems right now.

In fact, my only real problem.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Be Glad You're Not My 4 O'Clock

In Al-Anon the other day at a meeting - one guy shared. He said he was going through a divorce and was dating someone else and she and he had a problem that was fairly significant (I won't reveal for anonymity reasons).

But suffice it to say, the problem was pretty big and therefore stressful.

He went to his doctor and the doctor listened to his "I can't sleep" story. The doctor said, "You know, you are probably depressed. But this too shall pass. And, be glad you're not my 4 o'clock."

The man said, "How so, Doctor?"

The reply, "I have a 4PM appointment this afternoon with a man who is your age and I have to tell him he has Lou Gehrig's disease and he has two years to live. He would trade places with you in a heart beat. He would take all your problems and more, to know he has another 40 years or so to live."

Perspective. I needed that. I will always remember the; "Be glad you're not my 4 o'clock" as a title/reminder to my stressful situations.

Friday, March 13, 2009

What Am I Going To Do Differently?

OK. Meeting at noon. Someone says, "The question is; What am I going to do differently?"

Got it. Heard it. Went in one ear and out the other. The topic was fear. Got that too.

So, left meeting. Called spouse. Soon to be ex. Wanted to ask her a question. Reality: Wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I am tired of guessing. Want marriage over. Ended. Finis.

Couldn't get her on the phone. God works in strange ways, I told myself. I've tried calling before; she won't answer. In the past, I would keep on calling until I got her.

Except - I decided to call my sponsor. Did I mention I suck as a sponsoree? Haven't spoken to my sponsor in - well let's be honest - 2 weeks? No. He'd say "3 or 4." Maybe he'd add to the sentence "Asshole." He'd say it in jest of course, but he probably wouldn't say it at all, for that is sarcastic and manipulative and he is working his program pretty hard.

One meeting yesterday was not enough. Went to another last night. Saw same said sponsor. We talked after the meeting. Actually four of us guys did. We talked about food. We talked about our waste line. Are you kidding me? Nope. Talked about weight too.

But, in the call to my sponsor yesterday after I could not get hold of said spouse, he asked, "What are you going to do differently?"

In the meeting last night, someone said; "What am I going to do differently?"

Now that I have a program and I have the tools of Al-Anon, "What am I going to do differently?"

Here is a list so far that I wrote this morning;

  1. Use my God Box. I placed in there; Let everything work out for my divorce for the good of my wife, my child and me. I said to myself, "Why did I place myself last in that sentence?" Proper grammar? Or something deeper? Probably grammar. But I am wondering.
  2. Set boundaries. No longer am I going to be the nice guy and allow people to "get away" with things that are rightly mine, owed to me, or allow people to treat me with disrespect.
  3. I am going to continue to not engage and be pleasant with said spouse.
  4. I will follow attorney's advice
  5. I will state clearly what I want and avoid avoiding head-on discussions about what I want
  6. I will call my sponsor 2 times if not more a week. I really have got to set the time up to do this.
  7. I will look for more happiness. I am happy about 80 to 95% of the time. Yes - this is true. I am just worried about what might be.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Going to Trial

Well, yesterday we crossed the threshold. We are going to trial. It appears there is no turning back. Unfortunately the evidence I am introducing will probably have a negative effect on any future co-parenting and will probably place child custody or child time with my wife in jeopardy. In addition, I have all these checks that my spouse wrote to herself and turned around about bought stocks with. I have this evidence - that one day - just popped up.

It is strange this world of alcoholism. It is like curse and a gift. It has cursed me when I am in my own head. When I relax and let go - and get out side my head - there is this thing - that I cannot explain or put into words - that happens. I "find" things. Or things "find me."

Synchronicity may be a word. Or serendipity. Maybe not. But it's like, what I need is there. It does not happen when I want it. But like - it occurs a couple of days later or even weeks later. I just have to remember what it is I am needing and it appears.

I know. It sounds weird. But these checks -all of a sudden were there. This happened about a year ago. Checks that were 8 or 9 or 10 years old - were in a drawer in my old house. I am watching the Super Bowl and this "force" tells me to look in the drawer next to me in the table. I was too busy I told myself - I had to watch this football game. (I was alone, depressed, victimized, a little of Al-Anon kicking and breathing). But the voice said - "Look!! Go in that draw and open it and look!!"

I did. And there they were.

This happened again and . . . again.

I cannot force things. I cannot control things. I must just relax and let everything unfold.

Syd's comment was - well - accurate (I used to say "Right" but that got into a Right versus Wrong thing that I don't like anymore.)

Manipulation can be subtle or RIGHT OUT THERE.

I am going to trial. We cross the point of no return - today or early next week. So it is written.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

More of the Same

Well, it's been awhile since I've reported on my situation. I have avoided the report - due to fear and apprehension of stating more of the same.

When dealing with an alcoholic and their problems - their problems become "untouchable" or "unspeakable." They only want to talk about YOUR problems and what YOU did. They have this miraculous gift of concealing that they do anything wrong and make you the victim and blame.

I know - the words "Make you . . . " are trigger words.

There is no make you. Unfortunately this is not reality in law cases such as divorce.

She (my wife) screams at me into the phone and says things that are manipulative. I press the little red button on the left side of my cell phone that says, "Off" when this happens. But she still gets enough words in edge wise to make a dent in my head and create a recurring voice that says, "Maybe she's right."

And then you have her attorney who is manipulating her for everything she is worth. I have offered and reoffered to mediate. She and her attorney walked out of mediation. I have sent several emails stating that this is ridiculous and that no one but the lawyers will win.

Unfortunately, I cannot get through. I am considering writing her parents to explain that truly I want to mediate and end this - but fairly - for all sides. I will not take a lessor position and equitable distribution of my marital possessions - which is what her attorney is pushing for.

I am wanting to end this so we can both get on with our lives.

Never marry someone who needs to be fixed. You cannot fix anyone. You can only recover yourself. And part of your (MY) recovery is knowing where I start and stop in terms of my life and my thinking and what I have control over. You - or me - cannot go looking for someone to teach, coach, counsel, advise or repair. It is frustrating. Because our childhood upbringing has taught us to look for these people. And I attract them like magnets. Or I look for things to fix. Or I don't really see what to fix when I meet them and I view reality through rose colored glasses until the glasses one day begin sliding off the nose.

I turn my question over to the Universe; "Do I write my in-laws a letter hoping to influence the alcoholic. Or do I continue to let the lawyers fill their pockets with our money?"