Thursday, March 5, 2009

More of the Same

Well, it's been awhile since I've reported on my situation. I have avoided the report - due to fear and apprehension of stating more of the same.

When dealing with an alcoholic and their problems - their problems become "untouchable" or "unspeakable." They only want to talk about YOUR problems and what YOU did. They have this miraculous gift of concealing that they do anything wrong and make you the victim and blame.

I know - the words "Make you . . . " are trigger words.

There is no make you. Unfortunately this is not reality in law cases such as divorce.

She (my wife) screams at me into the phone and says things that are manipulative. I press the little red button on the left side of my cell phone that says, "Off" when this happens. But she still gets enough words in edge wise to make a dent in my head and create a recurring voice that says, "Maybe she's right."

And then you have her attorney who is manipulating her for everything she is worth. I have offered and reoffered to mediate. She and her attorney walked out of mediation. I have sent several emails stating that this is ridiculous and that no one but the lawyers will win.

Unfortunately, I cannot get through. I am considering writing her parents to explain that truly I want to mediate and end this - but fairly - for all sides. I will not take a lessor position and equitable distribution of my marital possessions - which is what her attorney is pushing for.

I am wanting to end this so we can both get on with our lives.

Never marry someone who needs to be fixed. You cannot fix anyone. You can only recover yourself. And part of your (MY) recovery is knowing where I start and stop in terms of my life and my thinking and what I have control over. You - or me - cannot go looking for someone to teach, coach, counsel, advise or repair. It is frustrating. Because our childhood upbringing has taught us to look for these people. And I attract them like magnets. Or I look for things to fix. Or I don't really see what to fix when I meet them and I view reality through rose colored glasses until the glasses one day begin sliding off the nose.

I turn my question over to the Universe; "Do I write my in-laws a letter hoping to influence the alcoholic. Or do I continue to let the lawyers fill their pockets with our money?"


Syd said...

Telling the inlaws sounds like another form of manipulation. Sorry to say that Joe. But I've never been in a divorce. I don't know the stakes. I would do what my head and heart tell me and would pray a lot to do God's will. When the sharks are circling, I look to float on top of the water and not dangle anything for them to grab.

The Albatross said...

Walk through it with all the faith and dignity/grace you can muster Joe... and if you're the praying sort bring it in prayer and let it go.


Anonymous said...

As part of my own sickness I want to just do one more thing. Until I am exhausted. For me it is because I am not willing to let go and let my higher power do the work. I still think I have contol but when I am truely exhausted mentally, spiritually and physically I can let go. I try to get there before that place now but if the outcome is important to me I have to go to the bad place first.

Anonymous said...

If you can't get her to do something by directly asking her to do it, what makes it any more likely that adding a third party to the mix will achieve your desired results?

Sorry Joe, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him not drink. My suspicion is adding the inlaws to the mix will most likely only stir the pot. You probably already know this in the back of your brain. Its just so difficult to remember, especially when the stakes are so high, we can't change everything to our liking.

If you absolutely can't stop yourself from communicating with the inlaws, it might be unwise to print/write. Perhaps you might call them instead.

I once heard this, "Advice is what we ask for from others when we already know the answer ourselves but wish it were different."

Remember if you are outside in nature where it is quiet, you will be able to hear that little voice (God, HP, instinct, conscience, whatever you choose) in your head because the clutter of everything else will no longer obscure it.


Anonymous said...

I went through a bad divorce years ago. It took me four years to get my ex to finally sign the papers and that was only because he had met someone else. I would not bring in the in-laws. "Blood is thicker than water" and all that.

The material things can be replaced. It's just "stuff". I know it's hard to release it and it feels like she's winning, but in the end, the love and respect of your children is what's most important. And they WILL love and respect you for living in integrity. I send postive thoughts your way.