Healed or Be Justified - Your Choice

In recovery I have learned many things. Learning is one thing. Practicing these and making them part of me is another (i.e. Living them). Here is a phase/sentence that is profound for me. I hope it resonates with you.

"You can either be justified or be healed. But you cannot do both."

I like that quote. It resonated with me this morning. Justification hangs on to negative, unrealistic and irrational thoughts. Justification makes my mind allow sickness to stay. Justification puts my life "on hold." It keeps me living in the past.

I let go of all justification. It keeps me rooted in the past and is associated with negative energy.

The Easy Button - Getting Provoked

I must wear a big "easy button" on my chest. Why is it that the alcoholic can provoke and stir up such negative emotions in us?

They know exactly what buttons to push, don't they? And of course, we want so desperately to respond, don't we? And if we respond, what does it get us?

My answer: Nothing. It just makes us more frustrated. We respond expecting that we are talking to a normal person, hoping to gain love, acceptance, and maybe just understanding of our feelings or how we view the world.

We have to remember we are dealing with a person who is ill.

Someone said, this disease of alcoholism is like cancer. I thought about this and I disagree. The disease is more like a person who is mentally deranged or specifically, someone who is neurotic, has psychosis, and/or is narcissistic.

Yes, we can feel compassion for this person. But the analogy of this disease compared to someone who has cancer is NOT accurate. The person with cancer has compassion. He or she may be consumed with his or her disease of cancer, but they still feel for others and care about the feelings of others and the world others are living in.

The alcoholic - when they are in full bloom - can be an ass. They are self-centered and they are delusional. They think what they think and how they think is the way everyone else should think. They see themselves as the center of the universe, with all the stars and planets revolving around them. This is their disease.

I am not saying not to feel compassion for them. But it is a lot harder when they are in full bloom. And just because they are sober today, does not mean that their disease has gone away. It is still there. It has affected their minds. It has destroyed brain cells. In fact, the killing of brain cells may put them at 16 years old in their thought processes, when their physical body is 40 years old.

It takes years of recovery before they can get back to their true age. I understand when this happens, it is a beautiful thing. But, the alcoholic has to be sober (and this means NO drink) for sometimes over a year - sometimes two years.

It is a nightmare of a disease. But it is not like cancer.

And this "easy button" thing, well they provoke to deflect the disease of alcoholism from being the cause of all their problems. When we respond, they rationalize to themselves that we are at fault and that they are pure and good. That may be an over generalization, but there is a lot of truth to this, at least I believe it to be true.

The compassion thing? Well I think if we have compassion, it may keep us from responding, by reminding ourselves that this is a terrible disease and the compassion may be the most beneficial to us and not so much to the alcoholic. So I am all for compassion if is helps us and keeps us from worrying, and responding to the buttons being pushed.

I hope this little message helps you today.

PS - I was provoked today, yesterday and the day before. Damn, I have to read my own posts!

PPS - Also, I believe there are people who push our buttons, (not just our qualifiers) because we have shown them how and what to push, by our reacting either by being defensive, by cringing, taking them on, telling others what happened etc. Let's let these "issues" go and show that we are better than what we were (not better than the other person - because we all are frail humans - and we don't want to get into a comparison battle) - and demonstrate our alignment to the universe.

Our Pain

Eckhart Tolle and his book "A New Earth" can, I believe, help us in our recovery. However, I want to point out that Al-Anon approved literature is critically important to our recovery. One of the reasons to use and read and discuss Al-Anon approved literature is because it relates directly to our situation of dealing with our qualifiers who have addictions and specifically, alcohol. Secondly, it keeps us all from introducing new material that dilutes that material everyone else is reading which can make our lives even more confusing and - what we need least of all - more chaos.

However . . .

Today and probably a few more posts, I am going to refer to this book by Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth." and hopefully provide some thoughts I what I have found to be interesting and helpful, at least to me.

The book talks about our pain (referred to as "pain-body"). That this is a negative emotion that could be picked up from our childhood, or from a collective group unconsciousness (such as Native American Indians and their treatment by early European settlers - this is not meant to be a political statement or argument, but just to be used to provide an example).

Often, we do not see this pain-body or pain we have suffered. And we have not dealt with it in a manner that corrects or least resolves it. The pain we keep and feel is fed by our thoughts.

It is only by being conscious in the present that we can relieve this pain. By thinking about the past, and dredging up the problem, we feed the pain. We need to figure out how to stay focused in the present. By thinking about the future, we also feed the pain. It gets larger and larger as we allow our minds to worry (think about the past and the future).

It is hard to worry if you are staying in the present with your thoughts. I - personally - am a big violator of this message. And it has only been through Al-Anon that I learned the pain I am suffering is because thinking about and visualizing the future. I sometimes grieve and pull up the past, and say, unconsciously, "if only."

Back to the book . . .

The pain-body can no longer control your thinking if you don't identify with it and can no longer control your thinking and therefore your emotions. This is a huge task for us to work on.

If you - we - can sever the link between it (the pain-body) and your thinking, the pain-body loses its energy. Your thinking ceases to be clouded by emotions; your present perceptions are no longer distorted by the past. The past can be made up of the real suffering we experienced, as well as the imagined suffering caused by playing the negative event(s) over and over again in our minds. This replaying of negative events has fed the pain-body and has kept us from living the joyful life we were meant to live out.

Now this may be easier for some. Because we are in circumstances currently that overwhelms us in an alcoholic environment. We seek answers and control over a situation we are not in control of. We tell ourselves that if we "let go" that we are not doing our duty to help the other person. And we learn - but hate to hear - we cannot fix another person's addiction.

For others, who are not living in the alcoholic environment, we are still affected by it. We are "sensitized" to stimuli that conjures up the past. Or, we think about the past. Or we react, reflexively as if the past was occurring all over again.

How do we recover?
Well, one way, as I mentioned, is staying present. Stay in the Now. This keeps us from feeding the pain with thoughts.

Second way to recover, forgiveness. True forgiveness. Forgive everyone you meet. Forgive everyone who offended you. As Tolle points out, "your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges-the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light."

A Character Defect?

"A character defect?" is the title of this post. It is probably better to write "What Can Be A Character Defect?" I read in the Al-Anon book, "Hope for Today" the other night a great passage. And I want to share it with you.

As we all know by now, Al-Anon is for us. The people who are affected by alcoholism. But I believe Al-Anon could be useful for anyone, even those unaffected by alcoholism. For the right meeting is about just good living tools - practical guidelines, that not everyone received growing up.

My Program
I am working on Step 1. Step 1 is about admitting your life in unmanagable because of alcohol. It says very specifically, alcohol - not the alcoholic - not the person.

Step 1 is a hard one for me. It says, "I am powerless." This is hard for me, because it means I have to surrender. I am not a quitter. But everytime I fight the alcoholic - I am really fighting alcohol. When I realize this I am OK.

When you want to fight with the alcholic because he or she acts arrogant and smug, we become locked into a "death dance." We are actually feeding the alcohol and the disease. It is making the alcohol stronger and more righteous. It makes us angry and frustrated. Do you understand this?

Our best defense or offense is to say "We are powerless over alcohol." And therefore not feed it. We - that means you, Joseph - must realize that we have to not address her or the alcohol. Right now we have to remember we are powerless over alcohol.

So, back to the passage. If you go to the index in this book - or any Al-Anon book, (like the labels to the below and to the right, on this Blog) you can find all the readings and issues to help you get over the moment or issue you are struggling with.

So, I go to the index and look for about "Powerlessness." I go to page 59, where I find a great reading. The passage goes like this, and these are my words how I interpret them;

"As a child [or a spouse] of an alcoholic, I was powerless over the criticism [or conflict] Note: my words are in brackets.

To survive this upbringing I had to develop defenses. When I no longer needed these defenses, these defenses became character defects.

As an adult, I was still powerless over the effects of my father's [spouse's] abuse.

It was the effects of alcoholism over which I was powerless!

The awareness helped me take my first step. I realized that my father [spouse] had been just as powerless over his alcoholic father as I had been over him. When my father was a little boy, he didn't say, 'When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic.' This understanding and insight brought me compassion and forgiveness for my father [spouse]."

This makes sense. What if the crap I learned to shield my self-esteem fighting with alcoholism have become a habit that is now holding me back? They have in essence become "character defects."

This is why I think Al-Anon is good for me. I like insightful things that I haven't considered, even though they are so intuitively obvious now that I have read it.

I must take action to correct these things. The good news is this; that all Al-Anon members are working the same issues. And they support you in getting these things fixed. The key is within you.

Two Posts Today - The Michigan Study & My RANT

The real post is below. This post just is pure venting. So, my apologies.

It's 7;30AM. My wife just walked into my study (the place where I work when I am not in the basement in my office). She pushed the guilt button about my daughter and her studies. The insinuation was, "She is not doing well because of . . . " I could sense where she was going and she was going to go to the place, "because maybe she has a learning disorder." This is the scapegoat policy of my wife. The "I am never taking responsibility for anything about anyone - including my own actions or inactions." It pisses me off. I told her, that, she needed to leave my office/study and I will take care of my daughter who has a test today. I will help her study, I said. It was not a pleasant exchange. It wasn't a blow up. But my reaction was direct. So much for detachment ladies and gentlemen. I, now, am pissed off. My apologies. My button was pushed. My button is blame and not taking responsibility to correct or address the real issue(s).

My wife won't take the time to study with her. She is "too busy." She does not work. Too busy doing what?! I cannot set a boundary on this one because my daughter suffers.

My wife could have been a contender [okay I stole this from the movie "On the Waterfront" - so sue me! ;-) ] She is smart. Attractive. Articulate. From a great family. But no responsibility. No accountability. What the hell happened? As the Talking Heads song goes, "Well, how did I get here?"

Ok - I am not pissed any more. But here is the important part of this blog post of this morning's RANT.

But if you have been watching the news this week, you have heard all over the news, that fighting couples live longer. Here is a couple of links in case you have been entombed the past two days (it's a slow news week -so it's all over the news)

1. From USA Today click here
2. From Fox News click here

So, with this news, that couples who fight live longer - I now know I am going to live to be 150!

One more thing Michigan . . .
. . . What you fail to report is this: that this life of fighting will provide a long life - but it will be a long life of misery.

Which one do you want? A life of happiness and normal life span? Or a longer life span marked by fighting?

I report. You decide. Thank you for letting me blow off some steam this morning.

Blame & Anger & Codependency - The Root Cause?

Blame.
What a word..."Blame." Often we look for "Who did this?" (who is to blame?)

For example: We are missing our favorite book. It is misplaced. "It was right on the table last night. Now it is gone. " And the more direct: "Who took it? Did you take it?"

Or for example: We are looking for our keys. "I left them right here on the kitchen counter. Have you seen them?"

The words put together in a sentence have the tone of accusation, apportioning blame, and looking for the guilty party. We sound accusatory. [note to myself; YIKES! I can relate to this right away. Then you find it. You remember you put it over there last night. And you are a big dummy. No one moved it. No one did it to you.]

Or the example: You feel like no one cared about your feelings. They made you wait. "How could they?" You feel this. You don't necessarily say it. You project it though. Others feel it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blame. It can be a way to start an argument. It can be the beginning of making others feel bad. It can be a way of starting a small conflict, a large war - all with a disastrous outcome.

Blame. What if you and I eliminated blame from our lives? What if Just For Today, you didn't look for anyone to blame. How would that feel? What would your day look like?

At the root of almost all negative emotions, is the word and feeling of blame. They did it to me. The republicans did it. The democrats are going to do it. The rich are to blame. The boss said this. He did that.

What if, no one, absolutely no one, did anything, to You? Today? Right now? From now on?

What if, YOU decided, that no matter what happened, you were not going to evaluate or judge anything, as "good" or "bad." I can tell you, my best days were when I did not evaluate or judge anyone or anything as good or bad, especially when I felt someone was saying something "negative" to me or doing something to "hurt" me.
It was a day of serenity. I felt empowered. I felt in control of my feelings and my thoughts. And I really, and I mean really felt good. It almost felt angelic. [Note: I am not saying "be a push over" or allow anyone to abuse me or you. But reread this passage again. It is the small stuff that winds up setting our moods, for the most part.]


Just for Today - I am not going to evaluate anyone or anything as good or bad. And therefore, this will help me keep from apportioning blame on anyone.

Just for Today - I am eliminating blame from my thinking and reacting

Just for Today - I am going to reread this post tomorrow too. And do this exercise.

PS - Please join me next week for a special on What is Al-Anon? And How Can It Help You? See my Post Here: A Special Invitation (click on this link)