Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Out of Town

My job requires me to travel. Today, last night, I am out of town. It usually means my qualifier - spouse - can go get wine and drink while my daughter is at school.

I worry about that. I used to worry a lot more. Why am I not worrying about this as much this time?

I think I know why. I used to think no one believed me, that my qualifier was an alcoholic or had a problem drinking. This made me crazy. I kept on trying to "prove" to others that she had a problem. Not overtly like Paul Revere riding through town. I think I did this because for the past several years my wife told her family and friends that I was an asshole (I can be sometimes - or was), and that I was a controlling person (this I never was, in fact, if I could delegate control and have someone else be in charge, I'd be very happy).


Anytime I said something about thinking that my wife was drinking today, that I would think people looked at me "as just being that asshole again - just making an excuse to try to curtail by controlling my wife's drinking."


Why am I not worried - or as worried as I used to be? Is the answer because now we all know she does have a problem, and that if I ask for help, I can get it?

I still carry the three bottles of wine in the trunk of my car, that I fished out of a trash container in front of a major grocery store, in broad daylight, with nice people with children going in and out of this past summer. Fishing three bottles out of a trash container is a funny story, of which I am very proud of (proud is a word that is a little blustery - "OK with" might be better). But others in Al-Anon that I have told that story to, may have them wondering about me and my sanity. It is a funny story though - we'll tell it soon. You can decide whether to laugh at me or with me. And the good news is, I will never know :-) !


Why the three bottles still in the trunk of my car? The answer is, I think, because the power of decepton was so great, that I doubted myself when I thought she was drinking. And I began to think I was the one with the problem. I was the one who some how caused this drinking, or this argument, or this sense of worthlessness I sometimes feel at home, or any of the other multitude of problems our marriage faced(s). The three bottles are a reminder, that I am not crazy. That she did drink them in 35 minutes, from her friends house, on the way home, to our house, so she wouldn't have "lost time" in the day.


Why am I not worried? I am going to ponder this. I hope I don't get myself worried by pondering.

Oooops. I almost did it. You know, I am not going to ponder. This is one of those things below the surface, that is scratching the thin veneer trying break through to cause me to spiral until I spiral out of control. I will not ponder. Move on and through it.

This morning I am going to workout. I am going to substitute one thing for another (workout for a ponder). Then shower up and head to Starbucks and read something inspirational. I carry with me a pocket sized book of The Secret Formula for Total Success (now called Beyond Positive Thinking). Don't be put off with the title. It explains how your mind works and how to make it work for things you want to achieve, be, have, etc.

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