Sunday, December 9, 2007

It Was Smooth Sailing Until Last Night

I went to a meeting yesterday morning. It was a good one. The person who ran the meeting was married to an addict for a long time. She is very articulate. She has a good job. I love listening to her speak. She is so smart.

I sat in Al-Anon today - silent. I could not add to the conversation and discussion. I tried to think what to add but I could not - it was perfect (or as near to perfect in my mind - I remember my previous Blog about progress not perfection).

I left in Peace - hence my little moon in the right hand corner. I love that little moon. It reminds me of my daughter when she was a toddler. There was a book called - was it - Mr Moon? She loved for me or my wife to read that to her. It had a great moon of the front of the book.

I think I need to change out "Mr. Moon."

It was time to decorate the Christmas Tree - or so I found out at 4:47PM yesterday. I found a movie I wanted to watch. I got "pressured" into turning it off. It irritated me that I had asked Friday, twice, and Saturday morning twice, "When are we planning to decorate the tree? I have to leave tomorrow morning don't forget ...." I said, said I. (I had to leave on business Sunday, this morning, until Tuesday. I am thinking about coming home Monday night so my wife won't be tempted to drink Tuesday. Co-dependent? Not I.)

The answer to my questions - both Friday and Saturday - were vague. I should have pressed. Didn't. I am not a "presser." I should have closed with a specific time. It was my fault as well. It is one of those boundary things we should do - I have learned. "We are to do this at this time. OK? Okey Dokey."

I turned off my movie - it was a cool movie - I am not sure what the title was. It was a little weird. Sandra Bullock had a small part. So did some other stars. It was about kindness and wrongs. It was a "surreal" movie in that the parts were mini-stories and the mini-stories made up a larger story where everything - I believe - comes together - because I didn't see the end. It was in LA - about the police and crime ...

I came to the room, where the tree was and there was no one. I asked - are "Doing the tree?" The answer, "Oh, ok." My daughter took off for next door. She wanted to invite the little girl next door. Of course I am a little hacked, because this is supposed to fun and a family thing. I say, "No." to my daughter's request to inviting the girl next door over (Why?). My daughter is now hungry, (pobably hurt too). And when was the last time she had a snack? I am not sure. "I gave to a fruit roll-up." was the response. This is pure sugar. Don't let the "Fruit" part of the name, "Fruit Roll-up" fool you. (I explain to you reader - who may not have seen this or partaken in such a candy.) I also explained to my wife who should - I believe know these things too.

This is where "Hell broke loose." My wife said "You do this all the time. You make Christmas miserable." Of course - I am not a happy camper. I hate blame. I really hate it when it aimed at me. I of course blew up and said, "You??? Are you kidding me??? If it wasn't for your drinking we would not be in this place. I wouldn't have had to go to an Al-Anon meeting this morning - a meeting which takes up all my Saturday morning ...." Yadda, yadda, yadda. And so the story goes. The negative forces and criticism and self-destruction were lurking just barely under the surface. These little fires were stoked by Resentment - the Prince of Hate and Anger.

A bad evening. We all sat at dinner and ate the frozen lasagna my wife and daughter picked up from Target. In silence.

I leave this morning in a few hours - feeling guilty and remorseful. The roller coaster of emotion will have to change too.

My apologies to all. I did not perform well last last night. I allowed myself to get sucked in to the dysfunction. Last night I was not a leader, a beacon of hope. I screwed up.

I hate taking down the moon and putting the roller coaster up.


Anonymous said...

I get so sick and tired of being the leader though! Why is it our job to be the bigger person all the time?!?! Don't forget to give yourself a break too!

Joe said...

Thank you. I know what you mean about being the leader. I do get tired of it. I do find I am more irritable when I do not get enough sleep (I stay up too late is one of my triggers), when I don't get out of the house, exercise, or harp on a negative issue. I do have anger built up inside for sure. I release it at the wrong people, at the wrong time, for the wrong reason.

I do want to scream and I do! I am trying to learn what boundaries to set and set my expectations for the alcoholic. The alcoholic needs to "grow up" and we need to make sure they know this. One way is to stop doing for them. Not out of meanness, but out of expectations that they should be able to do things too - especially for themselves. I have found that this had helped. They cannot have a free ride on the bus ... But sometimes we give them a pass. But first things first. They have to work a program. What I found is AA provides steps that allows them to see how they are dependent and grow up and - and - stop drinking by substituting AA for alcohol.

As for giving myself a break... Thank you. Believe it or not - those words are words I needed today