Friday, April 17, 2009

Today I Am Pissed

Yesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.

On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.

My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.

The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.

A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the friggin' contributing to the hell.

Except - I still get hooked.

My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....

So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.

The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.

She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.

The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.

I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.

I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.

It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."

Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.

I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.

PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.

PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.


The Albatross said...

I am feeling for you, and understand the healthy fear of doing what is necessary for your employment. Glad you can express your thoughts and feelings so openly, that is not something I have been able to do yet. Acknowledge the feelings, then let them go. Do not let them disturb you further. Examine and take actions on the things that you have the power to change, get back to basics (serenity prayer).

I was hesitant to choose in the poll, but did so... because I am finding your blog very helpful... personal struggles and all.

Something that helps me, a lot, is asking myself what is at the core of my feeling disturbed. Often it is fear based. I have to ask myself if this is healthy or unhealthy fear... then ask myself if "this is something I am prepared to act on (if it's healthy).... action or acceptance... that's the choice for me. Once I've "made a decision", then I've got to let it go because the only person who suffers is me.

Just some thoughts, hope they are helpful.... Blessings.

FrannyGlass said...

Hi Joe,

My vote for the poll is that you keep the focus on you. When you do that, it helps me, because it means you're working your program. I get lots of experience, strength and hope from just about everything you write about. Sending you lots of loving kindness and hope for a serene and peaceful weekend.

Syd said...

It's the insanity of our disease that makes us want to do crazy stuff to get the alcoholic to stop or to change their ways. I remember that I can do nothing about another. I have to keep my own side of the street clean. And walk with my head held high.

Cat said...

it cannot win if you do not feed it - this was the most powerful line for me - I felt this post with every word said , written and not said nor written.

AllisonRhodes said...

Sheesh, I'm only a couple of months separated and I feel the same way. Take care ~ Allison

Elizabeth said...

Detachment - the behavior you are describing in your daughter is normal. I am a mother to a 12 year old daughter and she acts very much the same way. You can be pissed, but it isn't going to change anything. Make the time that she has with you the most positive time you can. Don't get upset about her eating habits, she isn't going to die from eating too much junk food, don't get upset about her sleeping habits, especially since you aren't with her 24/7 to change anything. Your number one concern is to make things happy and pleasant for her, not spoil her, but make things happy so that she looks forward to coming to visit her Dad. You have made a decision that has changed her life forever, she has to make big adjustments, she has to now live with what her Mother and Father created. Compassion, Patients, Love, Understanding and make fun memories together. You will always be able to find fault in anything that your spouse does,but you also need to remember that you have to creat boundaries. You need to explain under no uncertain terms that leaving work early isn't even an option and then don't fall back on your word and do it, because then she won't believe a word you say. Let her adjust her schedule for you or arrange for a friend or family member to do what you can't. There is always someone available to step in when you just can't be there. Regarding the shorts, take you daughter on a fun shopping spree one weekend. Tell her you are going to buy her things just to keep at Daddy's house. Hair brush, toothbrush, towels, sheets, pajamas, robe, slippers, maybe a new DVD that you can watch together,a special outfit. You take care of them, wash them so that they are clean when she comes to your house to visit. These are things that young girls need anyways, and make space for her own special things. If she doesn't have her own bedroom or dresser, get her a cute pink tub from Target that she can put everything into while she is there. You have a choice, a choice to be pissed off or a choice to detach and live your new life and creat a new one for your daughter. She is looking to you for her security, you aren't at home anymore and although she isn't saying it out loud, her screams, crying and tantrums are saying them for her. You just have to listen. So, be at peace, find the silver lining in that dark cloud, take a deep breath and say a prayer for her wife, she needs it. Remember this life isn't about "YOU" this life is about what we can do for others, how we can make someone elses (your daughters perhaps) life better. Take the focus off yourself and you won't be so angry. Call your daughter, just to tell her how much you love her and can't wait to see her. Tell her you can't wait to make some fun memories together. Really, this is a time were you get to write a whole new book. One that includes just you and her and maybe one day when you are ready a healthy partner to share all that the two of you have created together. God Bless you today !!! Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

I found that the best way to deal with such stress was to keep the focus on myself. I limited contact with my qualifier. I too can feel what you are going through. This too shall pass. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings helped me.

Anonymous said...

meetings, meetings and more meetings. This kind of insanity never goes away just like the alcholism. It is who we are.

Anonymous said...

Wow! I was raging mad about my ex-husband, an alcoholic and drug addict as I read your post, hoping to gain insight so I can enjoy my evening. You hit the nail on the head- when ager gets the best of me, I give alcoholics a reason to call me the "crazy one" legitimizing their unacceptable behaviors. I'm going to re-read this post every time I want to react rather than respond to the irrational, insane behaviors that affect my children and me. This disease can really get me going- hooked, as you say- I'm going to starve the rat in the basement rather than feed it so it will die. Thanks for the post!!!