Wednesday, April 15, 2009

E-Mails Suck

No matter what you write, someone will read your email negatively. The reverse is also true. So, emails suck.

I just got an email or series of emails from my "wife" - ex-wife, soon to be, (maybe at this rate , never).

I read them and they were - well, er, nasty, bitchy, accusing, derogatory.

I told my sister about the nastiness of the exchanges. I asked her to read them (of course probably because I needed "validation" and "verification" because my ego still says "be right or be small!").

So I sent them and I asked her a day later - "What did you think about the exchange?"

She said, "I don't see where they are negative?"

I said, "What??!!!? Are you insane (not quite what I said)."

She said, "No. Just see her stating her point." Then I explain why I say them as negative and she said, "Well you have more emotion and you are 'in this' deeper than I am."

I just sort of laughed. Maybe I am in so deep I refuse to see what I should see - reality. What is reality? And is there such a thing? But that is a deep question that is for another time. The point is; Emails suck.

So I got another email this AM. I read it and almost - ALMOST - responded - IMMEDIATELY. The little guys in my head and body suited up in full body armor and went to battle stations. I felt these soldiers of war running throughout my body and they were in full react mode. Retaliate!!! was the rallying cry. I almost did!

Thirty minutes later I responded in - well - not love - but out of - I think - understanding. I tried not to manipulate, although responding with "kindness or understanding" has a hint of manipulation, because in reality, I am trying to defend myself and get her to peaceful toward me and/or not to react in a violent manner.

So I am a little proud of myself this morning. I did not react. I waited. I made my points. I even used a smiley face - which was probably manipulative too. Anyway, it is sent and how someone reacts or retaliates, is none of my business.

Thank God for Al-Anon. Also, Eckard Tolle. I have him on my iPod and when I went running he kind of lulled me to sleep about the friggin' "pain-body" shit, that I keep forgetting about, that I keep feeding and forget to stay friggin' present. Damn. I need to reprogram myself every DAY.


Syd said...

It's hard to convey the right stuff in emails or on blogs. I agree with you about the ego and the subtle manipulations. I want to be right in my justification sometimes. I just need to be humble and let things go. Good post that goto me thinking Joe.

Anonymous said...

Your divorce has affected you, and rightly so, but I wanted to let you know I miss your writings on Al-Anon tools and inspirations. Daily I would stop by and get a boost, especially on a down day. I miss that.
I pray you gain Serenity, even in the storm.

Catherine said...

I currently work with a team that does a lot of Replying All. One of the ways I've put my Al-Anon to work is to just read the last of their emails after a few hours, see if I'm really needed, and weigh in then. That way I can be aware of my own desire to control everybody and let their dust settle.

I also find myself reading attitude in the emails of others. It's been really really hard to relearn my response to this. Now I try to make an excuse for them: "English isn't his first language," "She's always so busy," "Oh... sent from his Blackberry." Ha!