Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tell Me Not To Send This

Anger. Yes. I was angry. Today, I am not. How can I be angry and pissed off - and the next day I am not?

What was I angry about? I was angry at being controlled.

But in reality, I was angry at the THOUGHT of being controlled.

Interesting today that I can see that clearly. No one actually controls me. I was in my head. I needed to come out. I needed to vent and release.

The letter/email I wrote to my spouse - was first sent to my lawyer. The email subject line;

"Tell me not to send this."

His 300 dollar response;

"Don't send this."

Wow. Amazing. Thank you for the 300 dollars. Well, all good lawyers will say something more to justify their costs.

So he also said this; "It's too emotional."

Well, that's the third time he has said that to me over the course of my hiring him. So, I didn't send this "emotional email."

Anyway, I began "dwelling" on this reply from my lawyer. A little levity here, please. "Too emotional." Well, that is a pretty stupid response now that I think about it. If you are going through a divorce, is there any "logic" to what people do and say? Especially those of us on both sides of the glass who have been affected by alcohol?

Too emotional. That's pretty stupid from a divorce lawyer.


The Albatross said...

Ack, Joe! Lemme get this straight... you email your lawyer, he gives you a reply, you realize the fee, instead of moving on, you switch from the wife to the lawyer?

Find the lesson and move on. You got upset, you wanted to control the spouse, you vented but wanted validation and set the parameters for your lawyer's response, he responded the way you anticticipated... you are miffed about the brievity of the response and the $300 fee?

Transference Joe... it's all about attempting to control. Get back on your side of the street and find the lesson. You'll be less likely to repeat it.


Kim A. said...

Joe, I have been through a similar situation that had all the blah-blah-blah that divorce-custody battles always have. After many moons in the rooms, I finally realized ALL of my problems began...and ended..with ME. The people my HP places in my path that drive me crazy are just little mirror signposts to get me back to my side of the street. And next time--you might want to run any letters by your's cheaper!!

Much love..Namaste

Gin said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog! Your blog actually helped me to finally take my therapist advice to get into Al-anon. I have tagged many of your post in my favorites so that I can refer to them when I am having one of those days. Did I mention I LOVE your blog? Hang in there!

Cat said...

Joe- hang in there.

Syd said...

Joe, I don't know about divorce.It all sounds emotional and irrational. I don't want insanity in my life anymore. I hope that it moves out of yours as quickly as possible. Lawyers and mad spouses aren't a good combination.

Anonymous said...

This is another reason why email sucks. It is waaay too easy to just click send right away and then you can never take it back. At least with snail mail we had the time to reread the letter and cool off before we put it into the mailbox.

It is okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from them and don't keep on making the same ones over and over again.

I have learned that when I am tempted to ask someone for advice about my behavior or my personal life, it is usually because I am creating some kind of drama in my head and I want my feelings/attitude justified by another human being. Almost always it is an unhealthy belief or attitude for me to harbor. I am not asking for advice because I want to hear someone's honest opinion, but because I am looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear; when deep down inside I already know the correct answer, but that is not the answer I want to hear. Anyone else out there do this? I am not at all what you would call a drama queen, this all goes on in my own head. But it is so destructive to my inner peace.

Now that I realize this, it has gotten easier to eliminate some of my self created stress and drama. I have become more attuned to when I am beginning to create my own drama and break the pattern by letting go.

Let go of the negativity in your head, let go, let go. Or at least buy yourself some time for reflection and write it all on paper instead of typing an email. : )


Anonymous said...

I just came out of a situation in which I experienced tremendous anger then tremendous sadness. This process took about 3 months. I know the situation itself did not justify the amount of anger I felt. The situation triggered subconscious anger over past hurts and disappointments that this current situation was similar to. Now that I am clear, I am grateful the person who lead me into my healing via this situation. But truth me told....I do not have to accept in my life unacceptable behavior period. I think feelings absolutely need to be honored and felt so as to release them and work towards healing.

Anonymous said...

This is my first step to trying to recover from the sickness that has taken over my marriage. It has completely changed our/my life. I need somewhere to go to try to stop the sadness, loneliness, and the sometimes desparation. I hope this is the place.