Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Our Addiction as a Spouse

What is our addiction as a spouse of an alcoholic? Or as a parent? Is codependency and our need for acceptance an addiction? Are wanting something we can't have? And we just keep on keeping on, thinking we will get it?

I wrote these words AFTER I read the passage below.

I picked up an old book by Dr. Robert Anthony. I am getting ready to fly out of town today. So I am gathering up my usual four or five books I think I need to read (never really reading or needing them all. But the books are my friends and I think I may need to talk to them and have them talk to me.)

Anyway I pick up this book. I open it up and it jumped to this page (page 80). The words on the page went right to my eyeballs. The words were looking for me. Weird. How did the book open to this page and my eyes went to these words. Or the words go to my eyes?

Page 80
"In dealing with your more subtle addictions, such as an addiction to having a certain person near you or loving you, remember: The pain you wish to get rid of is the pain you feel when that person is not present or is failing to meet your expectations. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are addicted to the person. Your addiciton is composed of your expectations of how that person should be and your expectations of having them near you and supportive of you."


Anonymous said...

Dead, Solid, Accurate.

That is the Straight Up Truth!


Syd said...

You couldn't have written a more clear explanation of what I sometimes feel. It is like being addicted to another. Sometimes a drug worse than alcohol or so it seems.

flybenji said...

I have been in Al-Anon for over 18 years now & everyone in my family are addicts of one type or another including myself with yes multiple addictions.
Imagine yourself in a relationship where mom, dad, kids & grandparents are all addicts of one type or another.Alcohol, sex, love, drugs, you name it we got it.Talk about control freaks or dysfunctional families. Ouch!
What chance did we have? I had 5 alcoholic fathers when I was a kid but my mother's dysfunctional behavior was worse than any of them.Ironically all of her children are highly successful in life & all work hard to get ahead.She is 90 years old & I am 63 now. She will probably outlive me & she still lives in her own home. I have no idea how she ever survived her childhood or raised 5 kids by four different fathers all alcoholics/addicts but she did & I am really proud of her even though we have never gotten along or agreed on anything.She went to an Al-Anon meeting years ago & told me it did her no good because he never stopped drinking.
My favorite saying is "Birds Of The Same Feather Always Flock Together" or "It Takes One To Know One" Yes, I am an attractor & when I think I am in love it is usually instantly & fatal. I can spot them 300 feet away in a room full of 300 people & we always find each other.I still crave these types of relationships but refuse to go there anymore. To old to handle the abandonment pain or emotional abuse anymore. Simply had enough.Just for today.You never know what tomorrow will bring. Nice Page. Thanks for doing this.

Joe said...

flybenji -
Thank you ufor stopping by. We could use your insights here. So, please stick around.

We aren't perfect. And we're the first to recognize that! ;-)


Anonymous said...

wow, this was powerful. SO succinct, and keeping the focus on me by recognizing it is a choice. I keep wondering why I can't make the decisionto leave. I'm not going to force any solutions, but this passage will cause me to conitnue to journey deeper, to ask what I am getting out of being married to someone so clearly not emotionally available?