I am grateful that my mother-in-law is here this week. The tension at home looms large. It is like a dark cloud. I often hold the mirror up to see what I am doing to create the cloud. I think sometimes I am creating the cloud. My mother-in-law is a smart lady. She breaks the tension to some degree.
I was a happy-go-lucky guy once. I remember him. He was funny, jovial, trying to make people laugh. I guess you could say I was trying to gain acceptance.
I read Syd's comments in the post below. They are from Al-Anon and the effects of children from alcoholic families;
- I am the overachiever. I had to be successful. I thought money would solve a lot of "issues." It did. I was dirt poor. But money did not buy me a true partner. Someone to laugh with and pitch in to help. This part annoys me. I bust my tail, and my qualifier "hangs out." I have been doing this all my life. When is my break?
- I am fearful of criticism. I really don't want people pointing out what is wrong with me. Jeez, I know what is wrong with me.
- I do take on more work than I am capable of. AND I do it! And all I want is a little recognition.
- I do not strive for perfection. Whew! I thought I was everyone of these. Then someone told me there are different types of perfection. I knew it, just when I thought I had one licked, they redefined the malady.
- I do like a crisis. I am addicted to the rush to fix things. I know exactly what to do each and everytime. I take "command" and can direct people out of the fire. Why is that? Because I have been in "fires" when I was a kid?
See Syd's comments in the post below.
What do I want now? I want appreciation. I want a plan. I want to know what is going to happen in my life six months from now. I do not want to be in this turmoil the rest of my life.
Tuesday night I dreamt the following dream. I am not a "dream person" - so let me make that clear right now. But this dream was pretty clear in it's imagery and there was a lot of symbolism.
I dreamt my wife was driving an SUV. I sat in the passenger side. I said go left. Naturally, she went right. We were lost. She knew we had to turn around. She could not turn around, so she drove up an embankment the left. She got out to let me drive. Then she tripped and fell on the ground.
Next thing she is on railroad tracks. Someone from another car comes and helps her up. Pulling her off the railroad tracks.
I am now in the drivers seat. The SUV is on the road sitting there - still - in park. My 10 year old daughter is in the front passenger seat. We both are buckled in. We are watching as this person - which is on the Right Side of the SUV - helping my wife up and move her to safety off railroad tracks.
I look to my left. I see we are on the railroad tracks. I see a train coming from the left side. It is moving fairly quickly toward us. I try to move the SUV's stick shift from Park to Drive. The stick stick is stuck. It won't budge. I look to my daughter in the seat beside me. I look at her seatbelt. I evaluate whether I should unbuckle her belt or should I keep trying to take the SUV out of gear and get us off the tracks. I think about whether if she gets out, by me unbuckling the seat belt, will she move fast enough of of the SUV and run from the right side - back away from the tracks.
I hear the horn of the train, I look to my left. I see the train and I then wake up.
It is 5 AM Tuesday morning. I cannot believe what I have just dreamt with so much clarity. I have never had a dream in such vivid detail. I have never had a dream with so much thought processing detail.
I tell this dream to you, with some intrepidation, as you not think I am a kook. I am crazy, but I am not a kook. This is one of a several things that have recently happened to me. But this message was clear.
The message I got from it was, someone is helping my wife. But my daughter and I are left and no one is helping us.
How about that for weird?
That may be my last weird post. I promise.