Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Traveling

I am traveling this week. I am worried my spouse will relapse. I am worried she will inadvertantly assume she has full command of her capacities, and take the car and my daughter for a spin. Especially since I am out of town this week.

I ask God how did I get here? every, single, God-damned, day. [Sounds like anger. It's just a quote from Patton - the movie, when a reporter asked Patton if Patton read the bible that was sitting next to his bunk. That quote was his reply. I thought it was humorous. ]

Then I think about what I can control. And what I cannot. I think about what will she do if she reads this Blog? Feel the pain of ourside of the chaos and distrustion? Or will she just use that as an excuse to be righteous?

Those thoughts are things I cannot control. I just wish for sanity and happiness. I wish for her to be more empathetic. And I wish she was not self-absorbed and not deceitful.

Those are false hopes. They're mine and no one elses. Except our daughter's too. She feels the pain. She is sensing that she is not protected and she worries.

I try to address my daughter's pain of worry by saying "That's not your problem. That problem is mom's and she is trying to get better." The problem with that statement is my wife is not operating on full speed. I can see it and hear it. It will take at least 12 months and maybe years for her to get well. In the meantime, she is making poor judgments and decisions. And she saying and doing things that are a little bizzare. I won't go into it, for it would sound demeaning. But I fear for our daughter, as a role model, mothers are a big influence.

But again that's hers and this is mine. The only thing and this is complicated, is when you have children. We can say, "Let go and let God," and "Control what you can control" but only for a second. With children, you cannot exactly ever "let go."

I am grateful today for;
1. Having two of the greatest in-laws a person could ever have. They have dignity and integrity. It makes me sad when I write this. I told my counselor this too.
2. I have a beautiful daughter. Absolutely beautiful. I could not have asked God to provide a more beautiful person to come into the world.
3. I am learning Al-Anon tools that I wish everyone could learn.
4. I am grateful about getting friends and neighbors to help me/us in this time of need.

I need to find an Al-Anon meeting while I am here. Except I cannot slip out of these business meetings. I am sorta in the midst of a major melt down of this division of the company.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Came across this in my reading today....

Turning Points - Sometimes they are new beginnings, and sometimes they are endings....

It doesn't matter whether I like them or not....

Everything will unfold the way it is meant to be....

"Thy Will, Not Mine Be Done".

Peace this Wed.

KevinB

Anonymous said...

Part of leaving my asshole husband was that I didn't want my daughters growing up thinking this is what a happy functioning marriage looks like. Knowing they would subconsciously repeat what they grew up with or seek it out in their relationships in the future. I am proud to have given them an example of a mom who doesn't need a man to take care of her. No one gets to put me down, chastise me, insult my kids, be sarcastic and hurtful and then manipulate me in to believeing I am overly sensitive and have no right to be angry by the hurtful things he just said. Verbal abuse is so subtle you can't see it coming but the bruises left years later are sometimes impossible to heal. I figure I saved my kids when I left, and even though it wasn't what I wanted it was what I had to do for myself and them. It wasn't easy but I have never regretted it and that was 7 yrs ago.

Sobergirl

Marie said...

Rock on Sober girl!!! You are an insperation to us all!