Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Well, What The Heck Happened?

Well, some of you may have checked in and saw that I didn't post anything since Friday. Here's why . . .

I filed for the big D about a month and a half ago. I took a boundary, learned this boundary thing, and realized I was allowing boundaries to be crossed that I could no longer allow to be crossed. I learned this boundary thing at Al-Anon.

My boundary was . . .

I had to protect our daughter. She was incurring behaviors a child of 10 should not be allowed to have happen to her. We were both like boiling frogs. I know, I know. I refer to this boiling frog analogy over and over.

Since going to Al-Anon my thinking has become more clear. My thinking was distorted before Al-Anon. I was allowing me to become something less than me. I was sick. More importantly, and the ONLY reason why I filed, was my - our - daughter is being affected. Affected in health, mental well-being, sleep, school, friends and on and on. You know what I am talking about, if you have children or if you have lived as a child in such an environment.

She is the most beautiful person in the world and I owe it to her to have as much as a normal life as possible. This was the hardest decision I have had to make. For I am giving up a lot to do this, including two of the best in-laws one could possibly ask for.

I am not advocating the big D, by the way. The big D brings up a whole new set of problems and issues, especially in dealing with someone who is not mentally all there. Also, I believe in marriage. I love my wife. I feel compassion for her, although it is hard with the deceit, the foul language and the selfishness. I do feel sorry for her. But the boat is sinking. And there is a little child to focus on and get her off the boat.

I hope this wakes up my wife and hope that she sees how this behavior and such a terrible terrible disease is affecting her, her health, her mom's and dad's health, our daughter's health and forget about me - just the people who are around her. This action may bring the bottom up to her, so to speak. But I cannot be concerned with that right now, except I hope it does and she gets well.

I will continue with the blog of course. As I cannot leave Al-Anon, because I have found it very cathartic and the people there - warm and compassionate. I have found Al-Anon a way to live and a way to bounce ideas off people who can help because they have been where I have been. Also, I feel strongly about alcohol now. I don't ever, ever want to touch the crap again ever. I have seen the damage it has done. We all have.

Last . . . and here is where I am asking for help . . .

I am being deposed today - at 4PM eastern. I do not ask for much, but if you can pray for the protection of my daughter and your kindness to me for the opposing counsel will be out gunning for bear. The deposition will go from 4 to 6:30.

And pray for the judge at my preliminary hearing tomorrow morning. That starts (or should start around 9AM eastern). Pray that the judge has the wisdom to understand how the alcoholic will lie and cover up and be deceitful, just to be right. Pray that it will all work out in the end.

I may not be able to blog today or tomorrow. But stay tuned. And please post your comments and prayers and wisdom below. I need the help and support of you all!


your friend Joe


Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you. I hope the judge is keen enough to see that you are the one who knows about your daughter--knows her bedtime and waking enough to recognize there is a sleep problem, knows her normal state of health enough to see when she is not well, is involved in her friendships and school work such that you know when she is slipping.

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.

Anonymous said...


(((((cyber hug)))))

I love reading your blog. I will miss you!

FrannyGlass said...


I'm sending you my prayers. Lots of them.

When my BFF was facing some litigation, his sponsor said something very wise that worked for him. She said, "When you get to the courthouse, take a few minutes. Take a deep breath. And then send your HP in first."

Also, Joe -- I've been attending Al-Anon even though my ex and I broke up over a year ago. As they say in the meetings, keep coming back.

Sending lots of love to you and your family.

Laurie said...

Joe - I've prayed for you and will continue to pray for you. Specifically I pray He'll be with you today during your deposition and in court tomorrow. That He'll give you the words to clearly communicate to the judge your love for your daughter.

In reading your blog, I believe this situation in your life has brought you to God - He will be with you and won't fail you. I have learned as of late to rely on His sovereignty and to turn my worries over to Him. I pray that you'll be able to do the same as you go through this process.

Joe, you have become a friend, a guide, a counselor for me and so many others through your blog - you'll have lots of people thinking of you today and tomorrow!

God Bless,

Anonymous said...


I have been lurking on your blog for some time now. Your words have been such a help to me.

I will pray for you and I am glad that you let everyone know.

I have also been where you are. I wish I had known not to imagine for a moment that the judge would have any knowledge of the lying and deception inherent in a situation involving alcholism/abuse. I wish I had known that they have no training whatsoever in this. I wish I had been able to cultivate a place of calm and clarity so that I might have been able to rebut each and every lie.

My most heartfelt wishes,

Anonymous said...


He will provide what is best for all, you, your daughter, and your wife, even though some may not understand that in the present.

I can relate to this difficult time, and trust that there is daylight at the end of the tunnel.

Keep digging my friend.

Peace this Tues.


Syd said...

Joe, I hope that things go well. I decided to stay in my marriage. My wife is in recovery and I do love her. I know that things have improved with me because of Al-Anon. It's a great program.

Catherine said...

Wow, that's huge. You're very brave. My best to you and the rest of your family, particularly your wife. I'm sure the process will put your Alanon skills to the test. Your posts have helped me enormously and maybe you'll find strength in them or from us that you can use as you go through this. I haven't been there but I do know that ODAT is a good slogan for things that involve legal stuff because of the shifting timetables, postponments and other unforseen elements involved. Who knows what's around the corner, but I will absolutely pray for you.

Anonymous said...

I applaud you for your courage to move forward. I am almost there myself. I don't want my children to get pulled into the downward spiral of active alcoholism any more than they already have been. It's hard to avoid the negative prognosticating that we, in Al-Anon, are supposed to be wary of and avoid. But it's honest recognition of what the future likely holds that has been necessary for me to realize that I have to legally separate (and likely divorce).

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetheart - like all the others, I am here for you too. You and your daughter are in my thoughts. I also hope, for HER sake, that your Q hits her personal rock bottom, is honest with herself, and finally realises what she has allowed to happen.

You have helped me SO much over the last few months. Even though I don't know you, I'd be lost without you.

Perhaps you could direct the opposing counsel and judge to this blog for confirmation of your goodness.

I'm really there for you, along with, I suspect, thousands of others.
Big hugs. Sue

Marie said...

Hi JOe,
Havent posted a comment in awhile but I read your posts often. You are in my prayers today. I had my custody hearing last Tuesday May6th but my "A" didnt put up much of a fight I got full custody and he 1 day supervised a week. He was also served the divorce papers the same day which was like a BOGO for me!!! I've found that filing for the big D has been the best decision ive ever made!!! Although certainly the hardest one I just feel like each step away from him is so liberating I cant believe it took me 10 years to do this!!! You and your daughter are in my prayers!!!!!

Anonymous said...


Wow, I'm truly sorry to hear it has come to this for your family, but huge congratulations on being such a good dad that you put the role of fatherhood and protector of your child first in your life. Your daughter is so very lucky to have you as her father.

I am sure it will not be easy for awhile, but in some ways it will be easier than it was. You have done so much to help so many readers of your blog, something excellent will come back to you in good time. Keep your eye on the prize...a healthy, happy life.


Incidentally, I wonder how many of us don't drink at all anymore. I don't either for the exact reasons you stated.

Anonymous said...

I was missing you,My prayers are with you but remember you are not alone anymore.
Some day I will like to write my story ,I think is not different than any other one;but I was not in the program when my husband filled for divorce,He left us,my 2 kids and me,I have no words to described it,but today i have my program and a new life,I started again,you can do it too.
I'll pray for you,Faith,hope and pacience,,