Monday, May 19, 2008

Monday - The Start of Another Week

Well, today is Monday. As soon as I tackled one small (reallllly large actually) problem, which was my day in court, my head rushed to another problem. I have to move out of the house . . . which is okay by me. The problem is I have to find a house to rent temporarily.

My head rushed to thinking - "What if you cannot find a place?"

Then it rushed to - "You will be living in a two room apartment. Your daughter will never want to visit, and you will be miserable and depressed and bummed and alone and . . . "

You get the picture?

I am letting my head to run ahead and play what if games - and the what if games were - frankly, about worry and the worst possible outcome.

I have to stop my mind from doing this. I have to be present. I really like Eckhardt Tolles' books, for they have helped me understand how my head (actually my ego) wants me to miserable and lives in the future making my present unbearable. And the living in the future with something that hasn't happened yet, is really, when you think about it, pretty dumb.

If I can stop the mind, I can just live in the present. The here and now. If I can focus on this, little by little I can regain my sanity. It is hard, however.

Al-Anon has taught me the same thing - only in different words. But essentially it is exactly the same. I went to two meetings Saturday and church Sunday and another Al-Anon meeting later Sunday afternoon. These allow me to sit in the present and not be alone. Right now alone is hard.

On the other hand, my spouse, soon to be ex, is really excited. I think she thinks her life will change for the good and will never have to work and she can whatever she wants. I am not sure about her thoughts, but for some reason my head starts to drift over to her thinking and frankly, that's pretty dumb too.

Last, on the witness stand, she said she wasn't an alcoholic. Even though she said she goes to AA meetings everyday. She also said, she got her 90 and 90 done and has the 90 day chip. Although she also said she drank during this time (within the 90 days). She told the judge and all of us (a lot of friends were there), that some meetings are run differently, that you can drink during the 90 days and that other meetings you cannot. Does that sound unbelievable and incredible?

Well, now there I go again. I am confessing my wife's sins and the program and the focus should be on me.

The only thing I will say about the drinking within the past 90 days - which was really incredible, was her attorney was stating over and over that she has not drank anything since late December 2007. I'll bet that this little statement on the witness stand sort of surprised the attorney. But what was relief to me was, I knew she was. I just stopped looking for the signs - well stopped looking sort of - I still listen to her voice and eyes and lips - dead give aways for me to tell. The relief was knowing I wasn't going crazy (although I already am) - that my intuition told me she was drinking.

Have a good week!

5 comments:

Syd said...

I hear you Joe about letting go of the ego and not having it run the show. I have to stay in the present day. In the moment. Good luck with the court stuff. Whenever lawyers are involved things can get dicey. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Joe,

I can tell you this from experience....

Alone will get harder in the short term.

Let it.

It's a good thing.

Focus on yourself, wants, needs, desires, big things, simple things, all that has been shelved due to the alcoholic in your life.

Write them down.

Then do some of them, just because YOU want to.

The "Alone" will slowly begin to dissolve into a place of self being, self worth, and happiness in one's skin.

It is a very freeing process.

One day at a time Joe, one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Says, You are doing the right thing getting a divorce, soon this will be an experience that is going to make so wise and you will know that you made the right move. Life is so short here I am 62 and I can kick my self in the ass every day that I didnt get a divorce. These drunks are only after the buss every day and they live in a make believe world all th time. Good luck in court I know that you are going to be just fine, this is goiong to be a great new beginning for you and you are going to have good things happening to you when this is all over. M. C.

Anonymous said...

I'm not really on topic tonight, but I need help. My alcoholic husband got into accident number 4 late Friday night. Police at the door, letting me know he had totalled our car and had left on foot. He hasn't been seen since and hasn't responded to my many attempts to make contact on his cell phone. Somehow in a crisis of this sort I find it hard to detach, to let him make his mistakes. It's been three days that he has been without his various medicines. Obviously I'm in high-octane panic mode. Advice?

Catherine said...

Hello, High-Octane Anonymous.

I've never been where you are so I can't advise you, but if it made you feel better at all to share on the blog, maybe attending a meeting will help you. It's practically impossible to wrangle your emotions in a crisis, but alanon is something you can do just for yourself. And you deserve it. Hang in there.