Monday, April 28, 2008

Just For Today

What a life I have led or lived. I am grateful for all the help so many have given me lately, when I spoke and others sensed I needed help or reassurance at Al-Anon, I got a hug and asked by people to go to lunch.

I am starting to get my act together, slowly, but surely. I realize that after so many years, when I thought I had my act together and I was sincere, that maybe, just maybe, I had this thin veil over my life and over my struggles and my wanting to just be "accepted" and be "appreciated."

I look at the words I typed above, specifically, "get my act together." Jeez, am I being "unhumble" (is that even a word?)?

I am having a good day today. I have prayed all weekend. I had a tough couple of moments when my wife and I (wife = qualifier) engaged. Actually I did not engage, but she tried to. I was pretty happy to see that I could detach with love, and separate from her shots at me. Those shots are her pain. She doesn't want my love. It is strange. I wish she did. It would be so easy for me to fall back into my care-taking role.

Asking If You Want Help Before Giving It
The computer broke - the one we use. I tried to fix it. It was hard. My qualifier's email was not working. Some how I was blamed for that. I offered to fix it. She said, interestly, "no." I normally would have spent four hours trying to fix it - get pissed because computers and software are frustrating. Then fix it. And not a word of thanks. So now, after I asked if she wanted me to fix it, and she said "No" I walked away from it.

Interesting. I like asking if you want help now instead of just helping and not being appreciated.

I have done the same thing with our daughter. I offer help - or I ask, "Do you want me to help?" And when she says, "No" I am okay with it. Before, I would help without anyone requesting it. I would get sucked in, do it for someone, and never be appreciated.

What a relief. I don't have to help everyone! And, I now ask if they need help. What a difference! My life is a little (a lot?) simpler now. What a little tool, with such big pay-offs.

One Step Forward?
This post drifted a little bit today. I am making progress. Two steps forward, sometimes one step back. Sometimes two steps back, one forward. Sometimes I wind up going back to the same square, I guess to learn the lesson all over again. But . . .

If I am standing in the same place, at least I know where I am. (The same with going in a circle)


FrannyGlass said...

Today's entry really resonates with me.

Thought you would enjoy this message that came to me after you left a very insightful comment about decision-making on my blog the other day.

"who is Joe?  I find that person very smart but very funny.  I'd like Joe to be my friend too."

Anyway, happy Monday....and thanks.

Catherine said...

I feel like my act is very not together. But maybe I should give myself more credit.

My meeting tonight was not so great; i recieved some unsolicited advice in response to my share that I found unnerving. Actually it was the person who unnerved me, a very unusual person.

Anyway I feel so lonely here tonight. My qualifier has shut himself in our room cos he's angry at me. He's angry at me so often. I used to ask 'what's the matter' and now I NEVER ask that question. Hopefully soon I won't care either. Why don't I ask myself 'what's the matter' instead?

It worked, ha! I spent a few minutes thinking and got an interesting answer, too, that had nothing to do with the meeting or the qualifier. So interesting. Now since I can't give myself a hug I'm going to have a snack.

Joe said...

Hey Catherine!

My opinion now is - MY qualifier's opinion of me or her mood toward me is absolutely, positively, none of my business - day or night!

I say that now of course!

Easy to say - hard to do. But it is true! None of my business.

Their moods are one way they try to hook us (push our buttons).

But we taught people this. Others found as soon as we tried to ask "what's the matter" they soon had a door in which they could become the "victim" and us the "perpetrator."

When we - or I stop - doing this, they have to try other ways to control us.


maresie said...

I am often in karpmans that is either victim, rescuer or feeling so angry I want to lash out. I find stepping out of the triangle helpful but since I've spent my whole life in the triangle I often find myself there.