Tuesday, April 1, 2008

You Are Perfect

In Al-Anon one of the messages is to focus on yourself. Another message is be kind and compassionate to yourself.

I have stated several places in this blog that who we are is perfect. You may be saying to yourself, "No I am not! Look what you did this morning. Look what you said yesterday. Remember that nasty little thought you had, what about that?"

These messages play in our heads all the time. These messages play in a lot of peoples' heads, not just Al-Anon members. These are negative messages that derail us and make us feel inferior or inadequate. We need to STOP them. We need to eliminate this habit of thinking negatively about ourselves. We have been programmed to think that this is okay to think this way. We've done this type of thinking for so long that is natural for us to beat ourselves up.

So stick with this: you are perfect. Still feel this is impossible? Okay, well listen up.

What you DO may not be perfect. Separate who you are from what you do. You are not your project at work. So if your project bombed, it's not you who bombed. If your day yesterday was crappy, the day is not you. Maybe your relationship sucks. You are not necessarily the relationship. There is no rule out there that says your relationship is you and you were meant to make this work.

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

Read that one again!

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

How in the world are we going across the room or across the city or state or country and putting ourselves in other people's heads and having us put our thoughts of their thinking about about us in them? What?!

And, oh by the way . . . why does it have to be negative?

And, oh by the way . . . who cares what they think about us?

Now, someone may say, "That's not right. That's uncaring!" So I would ask, "For whom?" "Is it uncaring for them or you?"

I think, when we beat ourselves up, by saying , "Look what I've done . . . ", we start in our heads by thinking about what others might be thinking about us. We worry about their thinking, and why? Because they might not accept us. And then everything we do is aimed at them accepting us (liking us; saying "We're OK").

Now, if you want a guilt trip, I am going to give it to you. If you are so worried about what other people think, and therefore start doing what you think would make others think better of you, is that truly "authentic?"

You see, I know a secret about you (us).

We desire to be authentic. Genuine. Trustworthy. Real.

The only way for us to be authentic, is to do what we can, the best we can, without harm to others and without harm to ourselves. Be yourself. You are perfect. We may not always do things perfectly. But hey, tough darts, that's the fun and beauty of being on this little round, hairball planet, called Earth.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much--I really needed to hear that this morning...-Jenn

Syd said...

Joe, you've got it right about projecting what others are thinking and owning that. I used to do that a lot. Now I just try to keep my mind quiet and focus on me, warts and all.

Serenity girl said...

Great timing, I really needed to hear that. I just started having huge doubts about myself and my ability to do my job.

I think I will start my day again!

Joe said...

Thanks for the kind words! I need more this week!

Anonymous said...

Prefect.....ly incapable of sorting out this damn holiday. Why am I not planning the holiday I want? Why am I constantly asking where he'd like to go? Why did I get the whole thing set up, then discover the hotels are non-smoking and cancel them all again and look for places where he can smoke? Why did I spend the whole of a public holiday doing this? Because my beloved is well on the way to not drinking...... how naive can I get? VERY! Apparently cutting down is now the object of the exercise, not stopping if possible.

I know that it's one day at a time, but if he's already saying, "he's got it under control" ha, ha, ha ...

I was SO happy and now I'm not again.

Okay, Joe, my project has bombed but I haven't - big sigh - thank you, as always, for your inspiration.

Sue

Laurie said...

I also needed to hear this - last week I threw my back out and was in more pain than I could handle. Fortunately my husband was sober and able to help me...but I had the hardest time accepting his help. I kept apologizing, I guess because I wasn't able to do all the things I normally do. I must have thought he'd think less of me...but then he pointed out all the times I took care of him and this was the least he could do. Dang right.

Anonymous said...

Great topic I believe we have to be able to take care of ourselves. Treat ourselves with love absolutely. I am learning that what others think or feel about me or asume what i do or am doesnt matter.
I am learning to know me. I know that i am a beautiful person Yes i have my shortcomings but the criticism of others and there comments i realize sometimes is a direct refletion of how they feel about themselves. When i am wrong or hurt someone i feel i do my best to promptly admitt it.
I know the hardes job is to love me and give myself some credit.
I am teaching my ten year old daughter about loving herself. I dont want my child to ever not feel she is important. So it is hard Sometimes the qualifier has a bad day so attempts to hurt others I had that happened tonight and i was at school Wasnt very bad but he is asleep now and i will address it calmly. I will not allow someone or anyone to treat me with disrespect Tire of it. I am learning to love myself. Something that we all where told we shouldnt do Not so.