Friday, November 7, 2008

Being Tired

I cannot sleep for some reason. And when I wake up, I have this little pounding and heaviness in the back of head.

Why can't I sleep?

I routinely wake up at 3AM. One eye sees the clock and I roll over trying to sleep.

I sleep moderately for about an hour and a half. Then I am up. My problem is lately I have going to bed around 10:30 or 11PM.

I used to hit the hay at 9:30PM. I know, you are thinking, "why sooo early?" Because my morning is my private and quiet time for learning and centering myself.

I need to work hard on getting some sleep. Need to research this and get back to my regimen.

Why I am posting, or blogging about sleep? Because I think it is a direct cause of my latest round of fears and worries. Or at least it exacerbates them. I don't react well to my soon to be ex-spouse's emails or her phone calls. But yesterday I did. I was proud of myself ,as she was screaming at me that I needed to get my stuff out of her house. I was calm. I explained that she was doing all the talking (screaming) and what she was saying was she quoting me. It was interesting because what she was doing was quoting what she thought I was going to say - even though I couldn't say anything because she was doing all the talking (screaming). I was calm and pointed this out to her. Then she hung up on me. I was on the cell phone in the lobby of my work place. So, I did the natural thing, . . . I called her back. Duh. Dumb move. Getting sucked into a verbal battle is easy to do for me. My response to the "flight" or "fight" thing is to "fight." I am an excellent verbal jouster. Or at least I was. And I was proud of it. Now I am trying to build into my repetoire of skills, the "flight" thing.

Fortunately, when I called back, she refused to pick up.

But as I look back on the conversation (the fact it was not conversation - she was screaming) - maybe I should have pressed the little red button on my cell phone and not wait for her to hang up. Yes. That would make me feel superior. The word superior did not come into my thouht process yesterday when I thought about this alternative action. But getting the thought of "upper hand" did come into my thinking.

I am tired and this thinking comes into my head when I am tired.

Also, I find I eat when I am not hungry when I am tired.

Last, I say things more readily, without thinking of the consequences when I am tired.

I am going to exercise my tail off today and this weekend. I am going to tire myself out so I can get some sleep. AND I am going to take a long nap tomorrow. I read you can't catch up on missing sleep. Then I heard from a friend that you can. Anyway I am going to try it.

Also - I need to run and go to an Al-Anon meeting. I will go today at the noon day meeting.

Peace to all. Sorry about not posting this week .... I have been swamped


Cat said...

I wish you restful sleep tonight - and a good al anon noon meeting today - I love my Firdya noon group!


Anonymous said...

My mother is not an A, but she is one of the people who winds me up the most. Sometimes I think she has devoted her life to this specific task. However, I am making a lot of process in setting boundaries with her. If she says something to me that I don't like, I tell her once calmly. If she does it again I tell her I am finished with the conversation and hopefully we can amicably end the conversation. In worse case scenario, I hang up but I have, luckily, not had to do that in quite a well.

I find that if I want to have people (As or non-As) in my life, I must be sure that I have structure in my life to manage those relationships so that they don't overwhelm me. I read the 48 Laws of Power last year and it gives a lot of guidance in this area.

Anonymous said...


I can relate to what you share this morning, as I to have had those nights, those periods of time where my mind is so busy working, it doesn't allow my body to shut down.

For me, it is worry about things, people, circumstances, and surroundings I cannot change.

If I could, would I really want to?

What if?

Can't things just be different, this was not my plan!

All of what you write about this morning I too experienced shortly after my decision to leave the relationship, and I found myself second guessing just about everything in my life.

I can tell you it get's a bit easier, a bit more manageable, with every step taken down a new path of recovery. The pieces of the puzzle are more clear, and with each piece, the picture presents itself in a whole new way.

Keep on walkin Joe.

Everyone have a great weekend!


Syd said...

Joe, I have become a nighthawk and stay up until 11 PM and sometimes later. That means that I am tired in the morning. But with meetings in the evening, there is little choice.

The screaming with the wife doesn't sound good. I have found that a good response to someone who is screaming is either silence or saying that we'll talk later when things calm down.

Hope that you have a good weekend and catch up on some rest.

Anonymous said...

Very good strategy to get more excercise and more sleep. Large amounts of stress from work issues alone can be difficult to deal with. Then add in a screaming and alcoholic spouse and that is enough to put anyone over the edge. It is only normal with that level of anxiety to have difficulty sleeping especially if you are not going to sleep at your regular time anymore.

I know I have to take care of my body to keep my own anxiety at bay and to keep my brain working properly. There's that "focus on yourself" saying cropping up again! Try not to skimp on sleep, excercise moderately and eat good foods too, fruits and veggies, fish and chicken (not fried) and not too many carbs. When I am stressing out I avoid watching the nightly news. It is full of negativity.

Remember, all you can do is your best.