Today - Focus Only On Solutions

As people who are living with alcoholism, Al-Anon is a great tool to help us. Without the help we think about Problems more than Solutions. Worry and Fear becomes pervasive. Anger and Frustration become more friends than Laughter and Smiling.

For us in recovery, one of the things we could and should do is change old behaviors and habit patterns, that aren't working.

Change begins with recognizing a behavior pattern you have made a habit. In fact, with us in recovery, it is a deep seated behavior. Recognition of a destructive habit or habit supporting us in a direction we want to not go in, is the first step to change. The desire and the will to change is the second, critical step.

We are Programmed to Think About Problems
We are "problem dwelling creatures." We go to bed watching TV. What does TV have on it? Problems. We go to bed thinking about our work problems, personal problems, the weather, gas, etc. This makes us worry at night. And when we wake up in the morning, the first thing we do is think about our problems again.

Here are five things you can do to build your solution mindset:

1. Make the Committment to Change. Today and tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, I will no longer go to bed thinking about my problems. Today, tomorrow and for the rest of the week, I will wake up thinking about solutions. I will focus on what I can do.
2. Get (buy) a spiral bound notebook. When we think problems, write the problem down. Get it out of your head and on to paper.
3. Ask yourself; Is it a big problem? Is it an important problem? Is it one problem? Or is it a series of problems? Should I solve this problem? Right now? And it so, what should I do? What are my options to bring about solutions? Write all these down.
4. Then do one of the things on the list toward solving your problem. Work on it to completion. Then do another item on the list. If there is something on the list you cannot do, give it to God or your HP. I cannot believe I just wrote that. But I have found it does work. Give it to your HP to worry about. He's up all night anyway. He might as well have something to work on. So let him worry it to death. Pass it to him. He's OK with delegation.
5. Keep that notebook wherever you go. Anything pops up. Write it down. When you start "completing your problems" by getting to a solution, you can look back at your notebook and go, "Wow. I thought I would never get past that one." This is a great motivator and mind booster, which reminds you whatever is a challenge today, then, "this too shall pass."

So, focus only on solutions from now on. I know this is hard. Just look at my rollercoaster posts. I am "up" in three of them, and "down" two (sometimes four - but who's counting?).

Whatever our problems, we shall prevail!

Finis.

PS - More to come. But let's work on this one this week.

The Law of Attraction - Al-Anon & AA: Part 2

The Law of Attraction - How We Can Use it in AA or Al-Anon or in Recovery
The Law of Attraction is a powerful concept. It is not a new one, as it has been spoken and written about for hundreds of years. Now, with the advent of modern psychology, the Law of Attraction is not about "magic" - but it is about how your brain functions, and how you draw into your life, things, people and events similar to your dominate beliefs.

I believe the following can be of huge benefit to people in recovery. Whether the people are in Al-Anon people or AA people or people in a different recovery program. It is an important topic, one in which I feel strongly.

I have noticed in my confusion of being in the swirl of an alcoholic environment, that I have forgotten this important concept of how the world works and have not been applying it. Or if I have, I was applying it to give me the opposite of what I desired. This is a follow-on to Friday's post (click here to link to view it).

The Primary Function of the Subconscious
The subconscious mind contains all of our past experiences and beliefs. It functions are a computer program would, except faster and trillions more calculations. Because of past programming, the subconscious acts a system of "checks and balances." It forms a "filter" or a "lens" through which we see the world.

An example might be how two different people from opposite ends of the world see things from a totally different point of view. It is why a lawyer will see an event differently than a salesperson. Both could be looking at the same "thing" and come from different perspectives to provide different viewpoints.

Our Subconscious
The subconscious helps form our self-image. Our self-image determines how I think and act. I act how I believe is appropriate for me. The self-image is made up of our beliefs. Our beliefs make up this filter through which we see the world through the conscious mind. The conscious mind allows "in" information in certain chunks, typically chunks that is familiar to what we already believe. This filter acts like a governor on the car. It regulates the data coming in and keeps us from getting information overload. It keeps us from going insane, or becoming the Dustin Hoffman character in Rainman (i.e. being able to count holes in the tiled ceiling in one glance).

The conscious and subconscious help reinforce our current self-image.

Creating a New Self-Image (if we want to!)
Because our habits or past conditioning act as a filter, we must try to discern whether these habit and past conditioning (programming) actually are working for us or against us. Are the things we learned as children actually still useful in the situation we are in?

One of our primary responsibilities is to evaluate our conditioned responses to see if they are helping our hurting us. Often they are keeping us stuck in an old computer program loop. We do the same thing our parents did, and their parents did. This "program" in the form of behavior is handed down through the generations. It forms the basis from which we operate - specifically; how we respond and react.

It also determines what we feel worthy of. With this we are back to the self-image. For example, if you go to a restaurant, you may be inclined to have something far cheaper on the menu, because, the most expensive item is, well, the most expensive item, and we shoudn't have the most expensive item. Whereas someone else, will go straight for the most expensive item. And another person will order what they want.

Do you understand this? Does this make sense?

It's Not About Right or Wrong. It Is About Thinking About Thinking
An important point here, is any one of the three choices above is not necessarily right or wrong, or worse or better than the other two choices. But it is important to notice what we do and how we feel about the choices.

This same programming may keep you stuck in a relationship, because; "this is what I am worthy of." It may keep you stuck in a job at work, because; "this higher paying job is for 'other' people."

This is not necessarily positive thinking. It is just "thinking about thinking." It is the ability to analyze your own thoughts which govern how to feel and act. And help you determine which ones support you in where you want to go and which ones support you in keeping you in place.

What We Could Do
To have a better life, to become all we can and ought to become, we could begin evaluating our conditioned responses and thought patterns. We could become, "more conscious" of our unconscious thoughts.

We could begin to look at how we feel toward something. Does it make us anxious? Does an event or circumstance conjure up a feeling of insecurity? Of loss? Anger? Righteousness?

Acting or becoming positive is not necessarily the right thing to do, because the old computer program will pop back into the computer and replay itself automatically, when we are off guard. What we could do is to identify the behavior(s) or thought pattern(s) that is not working for us. And deliberately identify them by writing it down and write out a new behavior of how we will respond and react and feel from now on.

When doing this, we need to really decide where we want to go in life. It could be with our relationships or finances or at work or with physical exercise or any other area in our lives that is not what we want them to be. What direction do we want to take our lives and what example do we want to set as a person? What area is not working for me and what beliefs are keeping me stuck in this self-image of what I think I deserve?

Once we begin to see the power in thinking about our thinking, and thinking about our self-image, we can begin looking at our beliefs and habits and see if they fit what we want to become and do and have. Then we can rewrite new behaviors and habits of thought to guide us to where we want to go and help us move in the direction we want to go.

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PS - I used this method a long time ago. It worked. I am reapplying it now. It may not work perfectly since I am in an uncontrolled or chaotic environment, but it sure feels good to know that I do not have to be subjected to the whims and fancies of others when I recall and commit to understanding the power behind this important concept.

PPS - I am traveling this week. It may be difficult to post a follow up to this topic. But I hope to show some tools to allow reprogramming the subconscious and our self-image in an upcoming post.

My Short Prayer

This post is about the shortest prayer. I learned this recently at Al-Anon.

Over the past week at Al-Anon, I have learned something that I want to share. I have come to learn, that what I have been saying, every single night for the past six or seven months, at 3AM each morning, is really a prayer. This surprised me.

I was also surprised to learn that others have said it too. In fact, it became a topic of conversation in Saturday's Al-Anon meeting.

Here is what I have been saying, every night at 3AM.

"God, help me."

This says it all.

Except for the labels of this post. They help say a little more.

Alcoholism and Selfishness - the Impact on the Children

Alcoholism and Selfishness - the Impact on the Children

I didn't write about my wife's little trip out of town last weekend. As you recall she left with her friends, just two weeks out of Outpatient Rehab.

Here are some facts;
She didn't ask me if this was convenient for me or my work schedule. If she did, she would have found that it wasn't in that I had travel plans that week for work. I would have had her not go or at least rearrange her schedule. I wound up rearranging work and jeopardizing some business critical issues. My daughter was impacted as well.

She also never told us exactly when she was leaving or when she was returning.

Phone Calls Never Returned
Probably the hardest part was when my daughter called to say "Goodnight" each one of the nights her mother was gone. When my daughter called, my wife would not answer the phone. Or did not answer the phone. This was on Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night. So each night, my daughter went to bed without having talked to her mother. It was sad. My daughter acted like a trooper, whatever that means and went to bed each night, not talking to her mother.

On Sunday morning my daughter called her mom. Not there or at least did not answer. My daughter even called one of her friend's and the friend told her (my daughter) that her mother just went to the store.

They did speak eventually that morning. And I want to make sure that I don't leave the impression that daughter and mother did not talk - they did - the each morning for a few minutes.

But, that Sunday, my daughter started crying, saying, "I have no mommy." That Sunday was a tough day. She went upstairs to her room crying. She asked for "alone time" which I gave her, but spoke to her and told her that what she was saying was not true. That she did have a mother.

To me it's sad. I try to call both morning and night, every night I am out of town. I never miss a night without having said, "Goodnight, daddy loves you."

Not Understanding the Prison of Alcoholism
Most people - who don't understand alcoholism - who would read this - would see this as a "one- time" event. But those of us in the throws of alcoholism, know that this is part of the disease. That the disease and selfishness go hand-in-hand. If you don't live in the house of alcoholism, you can never quite see the prison walls being constructed and the warden is the alcoholic and we are the prisoners to the alcoholics whims, fancies, and deceitfulness.

It is tough going. It is toughest with children. The impact on all of us is enormous. The impact is something no one quite understands, until you are living in the prison of the addiction.

I am living another one of those moments this morning, which delayed my post. My wife had plans this morning and my arrangements did not suit her. So she cancelled her arrangements and made herself the victim and me, the bad-guy. She never thinks how this might impact me or her daughter. What she wants to do, she does. As long as it looks good to the outside world.

This morning, I am angry and bitter. I was fine - until the selfishness raised its head.

I hope you all have a good Monday.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/7/08 and runs to Sunday 3/9/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is me. I am one of my favorite people and yet at the same time, I am one of my harshest critics. I have had a tough time recently not knowing where my life will go, but I know that in my heart of hearts, that things always work out for the best.


This is where we start. I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on:

"Enabling"

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I am one of the most messed up on this subject. I thought I was helping all this time. Then I found out I was not only enabling, but I was also crossing boundaries by getting into other person is one of our regular visitors to this blog and provides a lot of good comments. She is encouraging and hopeful.

I find that enabling leads to codependence for us. How is this you might ask. Well, let's pretend you did ask. The answer dear reader is that we "help" so much, we become "needy" in that we need to help almost always. We offer to help and do for others, that which they should do for themselves.

People think this is great . . . . . . . . . that is, at first. Then it gets on their nerves. That is, if they are not an alcoholic or addict. It becomes, to the "normal" person, sort of, yucky. Like being too available. Too much "on."

So I am going to read from the Al-Anon approved literature, the book, "Hope for Today" from page 122;
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Today I know I was the perfect enabler. My autocratic behavior deprived my husband of responsibility. I tried in vain to control him and to keep him "dry." Eventually I felt only hate and disgust toward my husband and alcohol. My life seemed totally worthless, and the I felt deprived of a shoulder to lean against, a safe place to cry.

Then I was led to Al-Anon. . . . "I learned I could not save him, but I could save myself. This was my chance to jump off the merry-go-round called denial before I slipped under it and was crushed.

I especially had to learn that my way of helping was not really helping. I had to do something differently. At Al-Anon meetings in my country, they call detachment letting off in love." I was unable to let him off in love. However, I decided I could let him fall gently.

That's what I did, and slowly my life started to feel worthwhile again. I began taking care of myself. I practice thinking positively by using the Steps and slogans. Prayer and mediation help me become balanced and content. . .."

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I believe we as children of alcoholic, or spouses or friends can learn from this definition of enabling versus helping;

Enabling; "is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

Whereas, Helping; "is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

This spills not only over into enabling our alcoholic qualifier. But these behaviors manifest themselves in all of our relationships. You will see this behavior at work, with our children, with our boyfriends and girlfriends - past, present, and future.

By doing anything, and everything, makes us feel good at first. Our self-esteem becomes tied to this source of doing for people. But we begin to feel unappreciated over time. Why? Because by being "too there" - being "too available" - no one appreciates us because they become accustomed to our helping. And, frankly, people take advantage of us. They don't appreciate it, they just give us more to do and expect it from us. By allowing this to happen, we are sending signals, that we are not worth much, and we are allowing our boundaries to become trodden upon.

And this is all because by always doing for people, people do not value us. We become their personal lackey. This is due to the fact that a "new normal" has been set up in the relationship. The "new normal" is: You do. I do not.

When we stop helping, people are angry. People are not used to this "new selfishness" from us. And then guilt sets in. And, we sometimes give in, by continuing to do.

Some examples of enabling behaviors are:

1. Working regularly after hours at the office, by "helping" others, and they go home
2. Buying the alcoholic alcohol
3. Cleaning up after the alcoholic
4. Paying the alcoholic's bills (even the little ones)
5. Setting up appointments for the doctor's office for the alcoholic
6. Making the dinner, cleaning up after everyone, and washing the dishes and never eating because, that's "your role."
7. Picking up your kids, the neighbors kids and watching every one's children and no one returns the favor or says "yes" but acts like it's a real burden
8. Getting a good feeling when people ask you to do something you know you have to sacrifice time and other things you'd rather be doing
9. Getting angry/upset/slighted when someone asks someone else to do something, when you are perfectly able to it
10. Juggling 12 things, at the same time, and getting that rush

This is a good place to stop. Please provide ideas of how you have been brought up, or how you do too much, or how you are doing for people who should be doing it themselves.

My best to you this weekend.

The Law of Attraction & Al-Anon & AA

The Law of Attraction; How it applies to Al-Anon, Alcoholics, Addicts, codependents.

What if, we attracted into our lives, everything that we are experiencing in our lives right now? This may be, my most important blog post of all time. I hope I am able to convey my thoughts to you through this post.

The Law of Cause and Effect
There is in science, a law called; The Law of Cause and Effect also known as the Law of Causality. Most religions talk about this law. In the Christian religion, it is called many things, one of which you may recognize as the principle of Sowing and Reaping; "Whatever ye shall sow, so shall ye reap." (I am writing from memory, but that is it in essence).

What if our beliefs, the beliefs we picked up from early childhood, are working against us? What do I mean? What if you picked up a belief, through listening to your parents or a teacher in school, (or your religion, or whatever) that became so deeply seated and rooted in us, that we came to believe that this is a "normal way of thinking or behaving?" And, because of this fact, we never questioned it's validity? What if we don't even know we picked up the belief, because it is so deeply rooted in us, that it is on "automatic pilot" for us and is operating without us even being aware of it at the subconscious level?

My Discovery; One Thought and Quote That Turned My Life Around
On my discovery of self, and when I decided to change my world, I found this phrase. It turned my life around. By now, you've heard it a thousand times;

"You become what you think about."

This has been talked about through ALL religions. Buddha talked about it. It is in the Christian religion. It has been talked about by Aristotle, by Epictetus, by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and many others.

What if, you picked up "unworkable" beliefs? What if, you picked up "untrue beliefs" that you thought were true, but aren't?

I was able to successfully, turn my life around, and go from poverty to being some what, pretty successful, with this one idea. Now, I am not Donald Trump, by any means. But I am, and have been pretty fortunate.

I turned my work life, my financial life, around. I reprogrammed my thinking by reading every day and listening to audios when I jog, or drive. So, I worked on changing my thinking. I undid past programming. I reprogrammed in, new thinking and beliefs.

Where Did I Mess-Up?
Because I was poor as a child, I was determined to not be poor. But I had poor thoughts, not supporting me in my goal and aim to get out of poverty. These thought were holding me back. I thoughts that all business people were liars, and cheats. I thought, for anyone to become a success, they had to be a fake. I learned that these were the very thoughts that were holding me back - in business and my financial affairs.

While I turned my life around in business, I neglected reprogramming my mind around my personal "codependent upbringing." I never even heard of the word, "codependent" until a few months ago. If I did hear of the term, it never did register with me.

Al-Anon and How We Get Here
Now, at every Al-Anon meeting I attend, I see women and men, who were brought up in an alcoholic home, or a codependent home, and almost every one of us, married an alcoholic or an addict of some type.

You would think, we would have known better! We saw it and we said, "We are never going to live like this again." And sure enough, we did. We attracted and married, what was familiar to us. Someone we said we would not repeat. Unbelievable when you think about it. Are we nuts? Are we crazy? In one sense, maybe.

The Disease - A Family Disease
The reason for this is, I believe, is the cycle of the disease. Is it so strong, that we actually attract people? That we, as codependents, HAVE to find someone we HAVE to take care of? At

Al-Anon, men and women alike talk about this phenomenon openly. The senior members talk about how they can attract the wrong person across a crowded room. Some men have divorced their first wife, only to remarry to another alcoholic. And there are some men, that divorce the the second time, to remarry, someone who isn't an alcoholic, but a person who needs someone to be taken care (the men learned the second time to check to see if they drank, but didn't check their heads).

What unworkable belief do we have to shed to get rid of this? I am not sure. But it starts with being aware of this Law of Attraction. It starts with understanding this Law of Causality or Law of Cause and Effect. It is also know as "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy."

If You Still Don't Believe It
The Law of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is my favorite law or phenomenon. Allow me to give you an example that you will probably relate to:

• How many times have you learned the definition of a word you've never heard before, and then all of a sudden you see the word or hear the word that same day, several times?
• Or, when you were looking at buying a car, and all of a sudden you buy it, and you see the same exact car all over town?

We all have had the experience. Was the word never there before?

Or was the word there, but we didn't recognize it?

My Final Thought
How do we stop this cycle of addiction and attraction? What about our children? What are they see and hearing from us that they too, will pick up the traits of us, as the mother or father? How do we stop passing down these behaviors of codependence or alcoholism to children?

The argument may be made that alcoholism is hereditary. I am not so sure. I admit, there are strong pieces of evidence that this may be true.

But what about codependence? There is no correlation of a codependent gene or broken synaptic nerves in the brain.

Can We Break This Cycle?
Yes. I believe so. And I think it starts with us. By recognizing that we have old, deep seated beliefs in us, that aren't working and aren't helpful. And because they are programmed into our subconscious, they operate on auto-pilot. We react the same way. We do the same thing. We like the same people. And so on.

So, the first step is recognizing the pattern. Second step is reprogramming ourselves. Buy the books (Al-Anon, or other self help books on codependency or self help). Attend AA and Al-Anon, you will be absolutely impressed when you go in to these meetings now with this recognition. Then get a sponsor. My sponsor saved me several times over the past two months from repeating old behaviors that didn't work and helping me see this fact and helping me reprogram my self. This was something I did not believe ANYONE could help me with. Another is see a therapist who deals in alcohol abuse and knows Al-Anon.

A great book I have mentioned over and over is this book Beyond Positive Thinking, by Robert Anthony. He devotes the first three chapters explaining this and the remaining chapters on how to break it or reprogram yourself. He also talks about a Higher Self (aka Higher Power) and tapping into this source for help and guidance.

This is, my most important post.

My best for you today and the rest of your lives.