Thursday, October 11, 2007

An Emotional Roller Coaster

I have avoided typing new words into this blog. For I am on an emotional roller coaster. One day I believe my wife is not drinking, the next I suspect she is. She goes out and drives with the foot of a brick, even with my daughter in the car.

I am mixed up. Some at Al-Anon say, "Let go and let God" other words, you have to step back and believe God will take care of everything. One problem I have is that God may say to me, "I gave you strength. I gave you a voice and a mind. Why didn't you use it?" In other words, God says, "You idiot. You did nothing." On the other hand, "Let go and let God."

I am erring on what I believe God would say to me.

Therefore I have become a little addicted to the "Co-Dependency" thing.

I do search the car for wine. I do search the house for wine. I do limit my daughter driving with my wife. And I have asked my wife not to drive.

The alcoholic mind thinks that it can do anything and tries to protect anyone or anything from stopping it from the drug (the drink). It lies, it cheats, it is conniving and very and I mean very, deceptive. It can out think you. It can try to make you feel like you are the one with the problem, you are the one with a mental disorder.

My wife - before I knew she was an alcoholic - said "You are a control freak!" (a lot).

I started thinking "I am." But in truth I am not. I am just wanting to know we do something I planned my day around. But this often gets knocked out - we never do the thing or we are so late, and so chaotic, it never gets done as we envisioned it getting done.


Yesterday, my wife was gone from the house to attend Bible Study (she has joined a group that studies the bible - something new. I think she may have joined to get out of the house. I work from home when I am not traveling. I think she also wants people to think well of her. And then there is the side that says, "Maybe this will help her." But I have doubts whether she is serious about the help. Remember the mind is very deceptive and cunning (another great descriptive word)).

Any way she came back in the house with a huge burrito thing from Moe's (a fast food Mex place rising up in the south - soon to be a Taco near you). Anyway, I could just tell she had something to drink. She said "No", but I knew.

One thing I have learned - is this - You don't have to convince the other person (your spouse or the aetiology) to be right. You know. Trust your instinct. You can see the lips. The eyes. The way the both of them droop a little - the slight slurring of the words, and the use of new words, and the over emphasis and exaggerated statements some how trying to convince you of energy and excitement.

The point to above - you know. The signs are there. Don't beat yourself up or the alcoholic to prove your instinct is right. They will deny until the cows come home (whatever the hell that means - I think that's farming and I am not qualified for cows coming home and chickens coming to roost). They will deny, deny, deny. They will swear on a stack of bibles (where do we get these sayings from?) all day long. But that's the deception. The thing that is controlling their brain and their drinking pattern. You cannot change it or address it. It is so far removed from your statements and questions and ranting and raving, that all you do is work your self up into a frenzy.

So, on this point let go and let God.

So, I left the house for a dental appointment. Before I left she told me "I am not leaving the house, I will be making up the beds and cleaning the stairs". When I got back an hour later she was gone. I called her on the cell phone from my car in the garage. "Honey, where art thou?". No
answer. Walked into the house into the pantry closet and there on one of the shelves was the cell phone. Gone - and cell phone forgotten. When she returned I said "Where do you think your cell phone could be? I wonder? Where oh where could that cell phone have gone?"

"I don't know." was the response. I showed her and said "OK. Now why would it be there?" We both knew. She cannot remember like she used to.

Before I left for the dentist - we also talked about Newsweek Magazine and the power women on the cover and featured in this issue. Rachel Ray was the topic. Wife said she (Rachel) was 40. "No way" I said and we went looking at the magazine for the answer - but they didn't mention her age.

Later that night - when she was sober - she had no memory of the conversation. She thought she had read about Rachel on the couch in the den. We were in the kitchen standing at the counter having the real conversation .... But she could not recall. Is she now losing her mind?

By the way, when she way gone - she was getting her feet pedicured (what a life). I am working my tail off and worrying and she is getting a foot massage and toe nail paint job. I am crazy?

I keep on thinking "What about me?" I have a little (probably a lot on a given day) of resentment.

Last part. Yesterday, I called another councillor. I wanted some help. Our councillor said, "He could not help me personally and that we both hired him, therefore the advice he could give me only circled around the alcoholic and my relationship to her and the circumstances.

What crap.

What about me? I am dying here. The alcoholic afflicts his or her disease on the ones trying to help and support.

So what am I to do? Get your own advisor. So I call up an advisor, a new one. I explain what our counsellor says, and my problem. And immediately he says we need to treat her. I don't need her to be treated - I need help. The help we are giving her is not working -and she does not want it nor use it. I flush 90 dollars down the drain on every visit (may not all - we have made progress. At least after 3 months she says, "I am an alcoholic.").

I have found there is not much help. Even Al-Anon, we talk about the problem, but we don't talk about what we are going to do for us - for ourselves. The talk revolves around the alcoholic and the resentment and the treatment and the whatever. Even after years of separation, there are some who still harbor resentment over what this person has done.

OKAY? This is a rant for help. Is there anyone out there with the same issue? Where do we go for help and have people pay attention to what we want, what we need, what we desire?

Sorry about not posting. I am on the emotional roller coaster!


Anonymous said...

Thank you. I need that

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

It seems like the only thing we are supposed to do is leave. If we don't then its our own fault that we are in pain. I decided today that I need to go to al anon. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. I know its been a long time since you posted this. I'm looking forward to reading the rest. I'm going in order...


Joe said...

I should have responded to your post/comment. I agree with you. It does seem like it would be easier to just leave. I feel the exact same way. I struggle and wrestle with this thought every single day (and often through out the day).

I am not sure what the answer it.

Al-Anon will help you make a better informed decision. Not because Al-Anon is magic. But it gets you away from the maddness to a safe place that allows you to express your feeling AND if you are like me, allows me to think out loud. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth allow me to think more clearly. Sometimes I will reflect on what I said, and what I "should have said"...That should have said part could be viewed as "beating myself up" - but it is a way to refine my thoughts. Any way, I hope you are well