Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My Fear

Al-Anon - Fear - Turning it over.

I met with the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) yesterday. The GAL is a court appointed representative for the child.

There have been some issues about strange words and sentences coming out of my daughter mouth that seem to originate from grown-ups. I was VERY angry this weekend when I learned that some things are being said in front of a child during a divorce/custody case.

To me, and I am not trying to be self-righteous (or am I?), the child should be off to the side.

I think everyone will agree - even my qualifier. But because of anger, the affects of alcoholism, etc., maybe things are being said in earshot.

I should have called my sponsor this weekend. A voice inside my head called out three times to call him. The other voice said this was NOT Al-Anon related, so leave him alone. The other voice saying "don't call" was the ego - the voice wanted me to feed on the fear represented by anger. On Monday, I called him. Told him about the voices - and said, "Next time I am calling - even when I don't think it is Al-Anon related." He said, "Absolutely, because it ALL is!"

Interesting. What a friendship! What advice/guidance I receive from him. In truth, as soon as I speak my words out loud confidentially - I almost know what he is going to say. And I know what to do. I just need to "vent" or say the words out loud - almost as if I can measure what I am saying.

Anyway, my fears were unfounded yesterday. I cannot be specific here, but I found that my fear of me losing out - was not justified. I had created scenarios in my head Saturday that placed me in a bad state of mind. I have so much to learn, and the fact that I slipped back into my head and did not call, says I need more programming of the program. I am so grateful to have a program.

Last note, my daughter and her friend and I went roller blading at the park Sunday. It could have been a national disaster, as the trip to the big park was 25 minutes in the car - a lifetime for 11 year olds. And then the wrong socks - they brought footies! I have soooo much to learn. My daughter clinging on me every second - holding on for dear life. I brought them to the restaurant at the park. They have cement floors. I bought them Cokes. And sort of "left" them - to be on their own. They loved being their with all the cool park people.

They skated on the cement floors. When I "picked" them back up, my daughter was skating by herself. Wow! I guess the restaurant with chairs to hold onto and smooth floors was the training ground for them. I am sure two cute girls were no match for the patrons.

We went back down after school yesterday - me and her. There are no hills in the park, until you are wearing roller-blades. Then, any incline and decline becomes a mountain. Well, we went down a mountain yesterday, her clinging onto my arm, she fell twice and I was able to pull her back up before she fell again all in a matter of like 5 seconds. The spill - fortunately - was uneventful, except some park people looking at us - which caused embarrassment for her. I was relieved there were no scrapes as she was wearing really short shorts. Note to Joe: Long pants for her next time!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Joe,

Try to steer her clear of a career in Roller Derby.......

Peace this Wed.

KevinB

Syd said...

Joe, you're being a good Dad. And doing a lot for your daughter. She loves you for that I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

Joe,

Parenting is a challenge everyday. I seek my HP for all life's issues. The alcoholic in my life has led me to rely on God for everything. This world is fallen,but we can remain upright in it with HP's help. You seem very close to your daughter. She is extremely blessed by your devotion to her. Many parents are overly focused on themselves and do not seek deeper ties with their children. Alcoholism in your family has awakened you to what really matters in life. Kudos to you and your big,big heart. Amy

fulltimedad said...

In looking at this entry and your 9-9-8 entry I find myself in lock step. I too have fear that my soon to be ex-wife will somehow manage to con those in power to believe her BS. She has been so successful at it for so long, at least with me and our friends, I have good reason to fear this result. I know I can not control the outcome but that knowledge did not keep the fear, and reactionary anger, away. Unlike your struggle to decide whether to call anyone I immediately picked up the phone. I spent 2 hours talking. maybe that was too long to obsess in this abyss but I didn't want to bank that fear and anger. Today I feel better but I remain aware of the hurdles ahead. I will try and "stay in today" and I am anxious to attend my meeting tonight. I need this serenity.