Thanksgiving Time Last Year - Dark and Dispair

I remember last year - the two days before Thanksgiving, a day that I believe I was hitting an all-time low, it was a depression.

I felt hopeless and despair. I felt I was all alone. It was the worst feeling I could feel. My wife did not tell me when she was leaving for her parents home for Thanksgiving. And when she was ready to go, she had the car packed and barely said "Goodbye."

I stopped her and asked if I was supposed to go. It was the year I discovered her drinking - closet drinking - and I felt I was worthless, and no one cared. I felt my wife had abandoned me and our child and only did what was convenient for her and appearances with the neighbors, her family and her parents' friends.

I was living a lie.

I wanted her to say, "Yes of course. Please come. You know you are always invited. You are crazy to even ask if you should come."

I got - something to the effect of "It's up to you." It probably was not as bad as that, but that it what came through my filter into my head.

When they left - my child and wife - I sat at my office desk in my home - wanting to fall on the floor and cry. I wanted to curl in a ball. I think I did actually fall to the floor. I called my brothers and my sister. No one answered.

I think I did not have a sponsor yet - as this was the time I really needed one. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about how all alone I felt. It was one of the worst times in my life.

A Year Later
I am grateful that I am in recovery. I realize the effects of this disease are not recognizable to many people outside the program. And this hurts me to some degree, because I have to rationalize and explain what happened - only because I am going through a divorce.

I would not have to explain - if I wasn't going through a divorce. My wife and her lawyer are just trying to make me out as the unhappy husband. Oh yes, the unhappy, controlling husband.

I laugh now when I hear I am controlling. I was to some degree - as controlling. I wanted my wife to go back to work, exercise, and take care of things and not leave everything to the last minute. I wanted to house clean, food in the refrigerator and food for our child. My focus was on her - for sure. My world orbited her - as if she was the sun. I moved my orbit from Mercury - to one of Pluto. My orbit was cold and dark, and distant.

Today, I still orbit her, when I slip. I try to get her to see my side of things. And she can provoke me with a simple word, and then I fall right back into the orbit again.

But . . .
Today I have a program. I have new life. I have new friends. I feel worthwhile. I know while this divorce is not for everyone, it was right for me and our child.

I know - a year later - that I am here for a reason. A year ago, I never would have predicted a divorce. Sure, I thought about it. But actually do it? No way.

Today - I am even praying for my wife and her Higher Power to make a connection. I am praying for me and my Higher Power to make a connection. I am praying less for what I want or deem as right and now praying for guidance and praying that others receive guidance as well - but not from me, but their HP.

What a difference a year makes.

I am grateful for Al-Anon. It has helped me bring me sanity. And give me a new life.