How To Improve Your Attitude

I am writing about something that we all know. We may have lost this little gift, along the road of recovery or trying to gain sanity.

It is the simple and free concept of gratitude.

I studied happiness a little while ago. One of the books that came out of the study was from the University of Pennsylvania, and Dr. Martin Seligman. He studied and researched happiness along with his students, assistants and other colleagues and found something startling.

It wasn't money that brought happiness. It wasn't success at work. It wasn't a certain religion. Or a certain nationality. Nor was it a lot of other things.

But the major factor contributing to happiness was this one word and attitude. It was . . .

Gratitude.

Gratitude. An attitude of being thankful for the things we have, had, and can do. Gratitude for the life that we have, even though it might be hell on earth for some who are dealing with immense pain, it is the ability to get away and count your blessings.

An Al-Anon friend told me to create a list of things I am grateful for. Starting with my arms. My eyes. My ears. The roof over my head. The ability to see, think, hear, talk, and so on.

It is the small things that really are large that we take for granted.

While some of us are not in the same place others are in, that is we have pain in terms of our emotions, finances, and family, this concepts may seem like a bunch of malarkey right now. I can tell you truthfully, at the time my Al-Anon friend told me to do this, I couldn't.

But now I can. I started my list. I am amazed at how small it is right now. I am still working on it though, adding things to it on a daily basis.

Peace to all this week.

On-lIne Al-Anon Meeting Topic: Fear of Losing Something

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Fear of Losing Something
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 4/04/08 and runs to Sunday 4/06/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view of the original blog post and the comments.

Recently I came across a meeting that spoke of Fear. It was from a recent Men's Meeting. I want to read this passage from "Hope for Today," April 13.

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Before I came into Al-Anon, my attitudes were based on fear. I cast all my doubts and feelings of unworthiness onto other people. I set myself up as a victim. I always acted upon my anxiety, and I was forever reacting. Most times my reactions came in the form of blaming, running, or freezing. When I blamed others, I didn't have to feel my deep sense of shame. I ran because facing my fear and hurt seemed too difficult. I froze because frozen hearts cannot feel pain.

Al-Anon gave me a fresh way to view my life. I no longer choose to be a victim. Now I choose how I act, how I think, and how I feel about any situation that arise. I can choose fear, or I can choose love. Fear keeps me shut off and unhealed. Love opens me up and heals me. Today I choose love.

Choosing love means I stay away from physically, emotionally, or spiritually unhealthy situations. I no longer accept unacceptable situations. I no longer accept unacceptable behavior. I love myself enough to walk away from hurtful people and relationships. I look at my part in situations, own mistakes, and change my behavior. Choosing love means I accept and embrace my humanity and that of others. Then, with my Higher Power's help, I can see the defects and weaknesses with compassion, which brings me release, joy, and serenity.

Thought for Today
If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?

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In the Men's Meeting I referred to above, one of the men pointed out that Fear can be fear of getting what I want or fear of losing what I have. Two, opposite and opposing thoughts.

Another man said, "I can't be afraid of losing something I wasn't supposed to have."

I notice when I act out of fear rather than love, I am out of balance with people. Fear is negative. Love is positive. The definition of "love" that I am using doesn't mean the love we know from romance. I am using "love" in the sense of compassion and caring, giving and knowing that when you give, you have an infinite supply, not a limited supply.

Fear causes us to react. And usually in a negative way.

So, this weekend's on-line meeting is about fear, and how perhaps, we can all benefit from changing our fear-based reactions to love-based compassionate acts.

On-lIne Al-Anon Meeting Topic

Anyone interested in hosting this weekend's online Al-Anon Meeting? Anyone have a good topic?

Welcome all ideas.

You can leave a comment.

It Will Work Out or . . .

At Al-Anon meetings we keep the focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic. This can be hard to do, especially when we are living with the disease and it is active. It is harder even still, when there are little children involved. This - I know - firsthand.

So, I hope I can provide you with strength, hope and courage - every morning and every day from my posts. Today I want to post a comment I picked up and wrote down from a recent meeting.

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One wise man said, "When I was worried about something I had no control over, I called my sponsor. He listened to what I was worrying about and then said, 'Here's what will happen. One of two things will happen. It will either, work out . . . or, it will, work out.'"

Interesting. If we know things will just work out, that we have no control over some things and that, the God of our understanding, will oversee this for us, this can be freeing.
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In Step 1 we learn and relearn - we are "powerless over alcohol" and that our lives have become "unmanageable." Once we know this one thing, once we have admitted and committed this one thing over to memory and not react or respond to everyone and everything, we can begin to see we need something greater than ourselves, to turn all this stuff over to. We can begin to see that there has to be a God (or a Higher Power if you prefer). That God, or our HP, doesn't care what we call him or her. That the God of our understanding is there - always there and doesn't get caught up in the petty words we chose to call him or her - i.e. whether we call him God or our HP. He just is.

This is new to me, this turning things over to God or our Higher Power. I am realizing for the first time, that I have carried too much, for too many people, for too long. I couldn't possibly be and do everything for everyone else. I used to think everything was my responsibility to solve. Now, I admit, I did draw the line when it came to politics, world hunger, and foreign affairs. But in matters surrounding work and family, I was there, ready to carry the whole ball of wax.

Whether we go to church or not, God is there. He is always there for us and waiting to help, if we ask and we just allow ourselves to ask for help.

He may not answer our call exactly as we want it to be and may not answer it in the time frame we desire, but it will be answered in the way it is supposed to be.

After all, either it will . . . work out or, it will . . . work out.

Self-Esteem & Your Problems

In Al-Anon we learn to focus on ourselves. We learn that taking care of ourselves in not a selfish act in a negative way. That taking care of ourselves means we can become better and help others differently than the way we were taking care of others before Al-Anon.

I talk a lot about self-esteem in this blog. Self-esteem is about you feeling good about you. Or said another way, "I like myself, I truly like myself." Now try and say that 10 times a day before going off to work!

Say it! Repeat it in the shower! "I like myself. I like myself. I truly like myself!" This may feel uncomfortable at first. But after a while you will find that this really feels good. Say it in front of a mirror in the morning and you can't help but smile.

This little "trick" or "tool" really does work, by the way. Keep it simple as Al-Anon literature says. And this is really simple.

Let's get back to self-esteem and it's definition. I think you'll find these next section interesting, because it will provide insight into us and how we think or at least remind us, how we can think differently, if not better when we go forth into our day.

Our Problems
What if I told you, that, almost all our problems are a result, directly or indirectly of how "YOU feel about your SELF?"

It has been proven that you can never feel better than your own self-esteem. This means how you feel about yourself in relation to others, is based upon your level of self-acceptance. Here are a couple of thoughts around problems in our self-esteem;

• You hang around the people you feel worthy of hanging around.
• You do things for yourself less, when you don't feel good about yourself.
• You tend to replay negative events in your mind AFTER they already occurred if you are not feeling good about yourself.
• You tend to replay events negatively BEFORE they occur if you are not feeling good about yourself.
• You tend to put others feeling first, before or even at the sacrafice of your own needs.
• You tend to think how are other people going to react today or what are they going to think about this or that or you and them.

Interesting couple of bullet points. I am sure we can all relate to these. And I am sure there are some that are not there that may be playing in your head today or even right now.

But what if you just eliminated these thoughts? That's right. ELIMINATE them right now.

If you did, would your day be a little more peaceful? A little more calm?

Well, let's start with the, "I like myself" mantra this morning, and in fact, this mantra every day. Emile Coue - a French psychologist curing tuberculosis patients had his patients say, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." He had all his patients say this over and over. Now I am not sure if he had them chant in unison or not (that was a little joke), but his patients got well faster than the other groups of patients.

So, if this worked for his patients, why not try "I like myself?" What have we got to lose? A few words spoken. Say it out loud with enthusiasm and you will gain a major impact. You may not want to say this in the elevator on the way to work this today. Or you may, because it might be interesting and entertaining to watch the reactions of others!

And let's start ELIMINATING the negative thoughts we have - starting with those in the bullet points above.

You Are Perfect

In Al-Anon one of the messages is to focus on yourself. Another message is be kind and compassionate to yourself.

I have stated several places in this blog that who we are is perfect. You may be saying to yourself, "No I am not! Look what you did this morning. Look what you said yesterday. Remember that nasty little thought you had, what about that?"

These messages play in our heads all the time. These messages play in a lot of peoples' heads, not just Al-Anon members. These are negative messages that derail us and make us feel inferior or inadequate. We need to STOP them. We need to eliminate this habit of thinking negatively about ourselves. We have been programmed to think that this is okay to think this way. We've done this type of thinking for so long that is natural for us to beat ourselves up.

So stick with this: you are perfect. Still feel this is impossible? Okay, well listen up.

What you DO may not be perfect. Separate who you are from what you do. You are not your project at work. So if your project bombed, it's not you who bombed. If your day yesterday was crappy, the day is not you. Maybe your relationship sucks. You are not necessarily the relationship. There is no rule out there that says your relationship is you and you were meant to make this work.

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

Read that one again!

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

How in the world are we going across the room or across the city or state or country and putting ourselves in other people's heads and having us put our thoughts of their thinking about about us in them? What?!

And, oh by the way . . . why does it have to be negative?

And, oh by the way . . . who cares what they think about us?

Now, someone may say, "That's not right. That's uncaring!" So I would ask, "For whom?" "Is it uncaring for them or you?"

I think, when we beat ourselves up, by saying , "Look what I've done . . . ", we start in our heads by thinking about what others might be thinking about us. We worry about their thinking, and why? Because they might not accept us. And then everything we do is aimed at them accepting us (liking us; saying "We're OK").

Now, if you want a guilt trip, I am going to give it to you. If you are so worried about what other people think, and therefore start doing what you think would make others think better of you, is that truly "authentic?"

You see, I know a secret about you (us).

We desire to be authentic. Genuine. Trustworthy. Real.

The only way for us to be authentic, is to do what we can, the best we can, without harm to others and without harm to ourselves. Be yourself. You are perfect. We may not always do things perfectly. But hey, tough darts, that's the fun and beauty of being on this little round, hairball planet, called Earth.