Give Yourself A Break Today - And Me Too

Okay. I had a tough couple of days. What happened? Let's review. First, before I go into what I think I did "wrong" that had my head spinning, what did I do right?

Well, here is the one thing I did:

I called a friend - a strong friend - who had an alcoholic wife and divorced her. He said "Joe, look at what you've accomplished. You moved out of a bad situation. You got a new job. You don't have to travel anymore. Your new job is new and therefore has pressures. You are going through a divorce and that alone can be tough - but the alcoholic is making you think that there is not a problem with her, but it is with you and you are sensing everyone thinks she is just fine. This makes you a little crazy. Then you are helping raise a child whose mother is not - let's face it - a normal mother. You have to be the person who says "No" and you have to be the disciplinarian. Your spouse told your child - without consulting you and not informing you that she did, that there is no Santa Claus. And that made you feel unappreciated and maybe non-existent. It also says your child is passing from one stage of life to another. Then you have your child this week - and she/he is stressed probably because she/he is moving again and she/he acts out. She/he comes home from school and you have to figure how you are going to get off from work to be there when she gets there and not let that interfere with your work or the perception of how you are performing your work. Then you had to transfer the electricity, water, garbage pick-up, phone service, cable, gas, Internet and the rest of the services over to the new house. Then you had to buy - negotiate the price of a washer and dryer and refrigerator from the old house in order to have one in the new house. Then your child says this new house "smells" like dog poop - even though it is an upscale house - and she is smelling the new cherry cabinets installed and mistaking that as an awful smell, and then your internet service and phone service isn't working. Then at work, you are told you have to probably fire/lay-off some one who is not performing and the previous manager left that for you to do . . .

Gee Joe - why are you stressed? And, oh by the way, you didn't sleep well and you did not have time to go running this week.

Again - why are you stressed?

Helllllooooo? Is any body home???? You are stressed. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are HUMAN!!!!!!!!

It is okay to make mistakes, to live, to feel bad. But don't beat yourself up.

Okay - I started off with the sentence at the top -saying let's see what I did right. I guess what I wrote was - what is happening.

I was stressed. What I did right was I called and spoke to this person who listened to me and then repeated it back to me in such a way that I could see what and why I was feeling "low."

It's good to have such friends.

I needed to talk to my sponsor - but I didn't have the courage to talk to him yesterday for some reason. So I called this friend - a really good friend. He is not in Al-Anon but has a deep spiritual belief in God and he reminds me that God has a plan. And my fears and worries of things that might happen, that if these things do happen, may be blessings in the long run. Just like things have worked out before - these worries may become the best things that could happen to me and my child. I worry that the judge will give custody to my wife and I will only see her 2 days every two weeks.

This is a horrible disease. My wife is sick and in denial, and not getting treatment. She is paranoid and blames me for everything. She calls me names and knows how to manipulate people into thinking she is perfect and fun and the good person. While I know it is the disease and my worries - I know I have become a much different person and I am seeing a peaceful side of me I have not seen in a long time.

But when I try to talk to my wife - exwife - wife in limbo - esstranged wife - whatever she is - about our child - she gets angry and defensive. I want this divorce to be done but most of all I want my child to be safe - and free from this disease. It is why I filed for divorce in the first place. I seem to have forgotten about that. So has my wife. She is making everyone think I was "just unhappy." AND I WAS. But now I see it. It is only second though to my child's safety. And I don't mean physical safety only - I mean mental well-being.

But I can control only what I can control. My thoughts, and my reactions, and my behavior.

I cannot help my wife. I tried -the other night - to explain that she is going to have to help me discipline our child and that statement set off a firestorm of derision and hate. Maybe I was wrong in seeking out out help from her. But our child had used some strong words and I wanted to see if our child was using these words at my ex-wife's house. Well, that was a mistake to ask that - I see it now.

I was also pissed off that she told our child that there is no Santa. We have a big tradition of certain events happening leading up to Christmas. Anyway, that hurt me that I wasn't consulted, nor informed that our child was told. I was caught off guard when my child asked me if I would tell her the truth about Santa. I said that I believed in Santa. Our child then told me what mom had told her. Pissed and hurt - I was. That lumped on top of all the stressors was the icing on the cake for me.

Anyway - I hope you can give me courage, wisdom and hope with your comments.

I know "This too shall pass."