A Cool Place

There is this cool place. It's near one of the Al-Anon meeting places I regulary attend.

There's this park, a park I blogged about around the 4th of July.

I try to go to this park anytime I can. It reminds me. I go there to read, walk around and look at people and just - well - Be.

Here is a picture of a cool tree in the park. The tree is the oldest tree in the park. The tree is fairly large. A great place to hang out. There is one branch, that juts out, like an arm, willing you to sit on it. Allowing you to be boosted up, on to the limb, and be comfortable, just sitting.

When I go now, I sit in view of the this tree reading one of my "Zen-like" psychology books that provide me peace, hope, direction and guidance. These books are not Al-Anon approved, although they have the same or similar principles of focus on yourself, one day at time, first things first, a higher self/universe/higher power/God, connectedness, detach, etc.

I was there this past Sunday after attending an Adult-child meeting. I sat seeking. After reading and walking for two hours, I left for a Sunday night Step meeting. I was at peace.

I will probably be there this Saturday after my Men's Meeting. Cannot go Sunday. I have to fly to Denver (well, now you know, I am not from Denver!).

This tree is my "what can be" tree. The limb the juts out, makes this tree a cool tree, because it is different from other trees in the park.

My mission there: I am seeking, as I sit there. I know it will come. I must be patient.

Making Choices

You have the ability to change your life. Your life is a series of choices.

With recovery we find we can begin trusting our voices again. We can find that no matter what someone says and what messages from the outside world we receive, the only message we need in the one from our hearts.

We just need to tell our subconscious what we want. The subconscious in the creative part of the human mind. This is where we have stored all the past events - imagined and real - in our heads. This part of the mind cannot think for itself, it cannot tell itself what you want, but it can provide the insight and direction and the correct steps for you to take to bring desire into reality.

But you have to decide what it is you want. Another but. But you have to get clear thinking into your life first. I can speak to this directly. I did not have clear thinking when I was living with my qualifier. I could not break the spell of alcoholism - at least - not at first. I had to go to meetings - a lot of meetings - and get a sponsor -to get some clarity as to what I needed to do.

Back to the point of this post - you have to leverage, use and know that the subconscious in a storehouse and powerhouse for information to connect you to what it is you want. It can provide the answers and the guidance and the actions you need to take to get there.

But you have to decide. What is it you want? The power of choice is the critical step. You cannot sit around hoping. You have to decide what it is you desire. And you have to feed the subconscious with the picture of you in the image of reality getting whatever it is you desire.

Of course the blocking force is self-doubt. Self-doubt is your biggest enemy. It strives to keep you where you are and keeps you "little." The ego part of our minds does not want you to change. It wants to be fed. And it feeds on past inadequacies, mistakes, criticisms, and problems. These negative "events" replay themselves in the subconscious. And manifests in you as self-doubt.

Of course your desire has to "realistic," whatever that means. Here is the point to realistic, that self-doubt will be able to feed upon. If the desire is marry Brad Pitt, well, that is pretty much impossible. I am not Brad's type - as far as I know. And if your desire is to inherit a million dollars, well that might be pretty much impossible too, especially if your Aunts and Uncles don't have a million.

Do you see what I am saying? Does this make sense?

Having a goal of making $100,000 this year if you are making $80,000, may not be unrealistic. Having a goal of getting a new home in three years may be within the realm of possible. I think that's the right term - "the realm of possible."

Once you decide - and decide you must - the subconscious, once it is fed this goal or desire over and over and over - will begin to provide you with people, news, information, things, events and situations. It can provide you flashes of insight of things you can do, people you can call, places to go and so on. But it must have the knowledge that this is what you want.

If you do not choose - and this is equally as important - you will be subject to the whims and opinions of others. You will be essentially - stuck. Stuck where you are with what you have.

One more thing. And this is more important than knowing what you want, is knowing that what you don't want can and will manifest itself in your life too. If you dwell on fear and lack and limitation, of being poor, unhappy, being with crappy friends, and a crappy job, you will get exactly more of that in your life.

How? Simply this: you will look for - subconsciously - the crappy people to make you unhappy and miserable. They - the people and the events - will be attracted to you like a magnet, because of what has been fed into your subconscious.

How do I know this? I can see it in my own life when I play the tapes (or DVD in today's parlance) back. When I press rewind (fast reverse) I can see the events occurring and I can remember how I was feeling and behaving before the event. I have attracted good things - great things - into my life too.

It works like the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. You can bank on it every single time.

So what is it you want? And if you want it so badly, what will it look like? If you feed your mind with what you what and provide a detailed picture of it, you will be drawn to this so powerfully, you won't be able to imagine.

Decide. Then trust. Listen to your inner voice. And in your heart you already know what you want. Just decide. It may mean giving something up. Isn't this true?

Pleasing Others

In Al-Anon I heard the term, "People Pleasers." I thought that was an interesting term. But after awhile I did not like it. It was - well - sort of degrading.

People pleasers? Does that mean I lost my identity and what I want and sacrifice this for others want? I thought it was just being nice and courteous. I think I did do this - not always - but enough.

Here are some words I would like to share derived from Dr. Robert Anthony;

Pleasing Others - A Psychological Dead end
When you go to heaven, or meet your maker, it is where God will not ask, "did you please others?" But instead will ask, "Have you been yourself?" I think this is great because when we think about it - it is here that God placed us to be ourselves. Not be someone else. Or why would he created us? (specifically, you. not the people in the world "us")

People are struggling to be themselves. Why? Because of the need to please others. We feel this deep down need to get approval from others. Follow the main stream. Get the latest fashion. Look good so others will approve. It's in our cultural norms. I am not saying that we should not do this - but perhaps we carry this too far. Perhaps indeed.

Assume your own destiny. What others think does not matter. A 100 years from now, no one will remember if you stubbed your toe, or your boss was angry at you or you lost your job or you - you fill in the blank. I am not saying you should be depressed. But try to put the things we think are so important into perspective. YOU only have one chance at life on this little "Hair ball planet." As far as we know. Go for it today without thought of whether they approve or not.

At first this will be a lonely process. And it may seem others are against you. The decision to live your life is up to you. The decision to live your life is your responsibility.

Your action or inaction is your responsibility.

Some peoples' conditioning will be in conflict with your and when they see someone living in opposition to their values and beliefs, it can be very frightening to them. For you are threatening their beliefs.

But realize, what they think, does not matter. This IS, YOUR life. And you only get one chance. And in the end, it doesn't matter what they think anyway. God will only ask, "Have you been yourself?" Or said another way, "Did you live your life in an extraordinary way - a way that only you could have approved of and have no regrets?"

This is what I believe. But I need reminding of this every single day. Thanks!

Radar?

Ok. So the last post I talked about this dinner I had with this Russian girl and another friend of mine (a guy). This was a strange night. It wasn't the dinner, but it was that my friend, not the Russian girl, is going through a similar experience as I went through with his wife.

I just met him too. And he, well happens to be helping me with my divorce. In any event, I thought this is bizarre. How is it this guy is going through the same crap I went through?

So, the prelude to all this is this. My mother said to me (as well as others who are not in Al-Anon), "How could you have married someone who was an alcoholic? Didn't you know the signs since you had it with your father?"

I have been asked this over and over. It doesn't bother me. I do know the answer now. We attract these people who drink. It is really, really weird. There are a few people in my AL-Anon meetings that have given up and they have decided that they are going to date alcoholics or recovered alcoholics. They have given up trying to find someone outside of alcoholism that might be interested in them. This sounds strange, but it true. Think about it. Think about it hard.

Anyway.Back to the Russian girl. She is telling me about a bar she went to. A big bar. Maybe 300 to 500 people in it. By the way - she looks not like a Russian at all. She almost looks a little Spanish. So she is standing next to the bar. And of all the 500 people who are there, up walk two guys who start talking to her.

Guess where they are from?

Just guess . . . Go ahead.

Yes. They are from Russia.

Are you kidding me.

Interesting I say to her at dinner. What attracted them to come over to you and start talking I asked? She had no clue. The clothes she wears are all American. Except when she talks she has an accent. I thought she was Mexican at first.

Interesting - two Russian guys walk across the bar and start hitting on her.

So, how do we attract people with this affliction? Because it is in our DNA? Yes?

Well, I am in repair mode now. No offense to anyone in recovery. I have grown up with it. I was married to it. And I too am attracting this into my life with my friend - not the Russian - the guy.

What a circus. I mentioned this at an Al-Anon meeting Sunday. A woman came up to me and told me to watch "What the Bleep."

I will.

Pushing My Button & A Power Greater Than I

Today my wife - soon to be exaroo - and I met and actually exchanged words. It became a defensive conversation as I explained that I thought we should try to keep any conversations about the divorce, finances, etc away from our daughter.

She went on to say that if our daughter heard anything it was probably through her friends, that have mothers that are friends with my soon to be exaroo-wife.

I said, "Huh?" And then I lit up inside. It was the shallowest of lies and BS. And I said, "That's pretty vague. That's enough." And then left.

I called my sponsor - he is the greatest man in the universe. He sits and listens. Then he tells me to say, "Three Our Fathers", "Two Hail Mary's," and sing the song "Kumbaya."

Actually the last part was a joke. The singing and saying prayers part.

My sponsor listens and says, "What are you powerless over?"

My response, "Anything my wife does or says."

Him, "What can you do about it?"

Me, "Come to believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity."

I am working the Steps 2 and 3 at the same time. I learned "Power" can be not just God, but any power greater than I am at that given moment. It might be a Al-Anon friend, a sponsor, a reading, a meeting, etc.

Thank God for this program. I have never opened up so much to someone about my fears and foibles. And to have someone there - right there - so I can unload - but at the same time not talk about the qualifier and not take sides. We are not looking to right and righteous. This will not bring serenity, in fact will only block it.

In my old days, I would have argued with my soon to be ex. I would try and convince her that my way was right. Even though I am right - I was wrong. OK, that last sentence was to be a little humor too. The good news is, I can control my wanting to control. And let go of the uncontrollable. In the old days, I would have gotten really worked up. But after calling my sponsor, I was - well - done with it.

My sponsor said, "Get out your notebook. Write every feeling you have from that experience. Don't have to show it with anyone, you can burn the pages, but write every nasty thing you can think about the situation.

Well, the first thing I wrote was about her hair. She is using a flat iron thing. Her hair looks like Cleopatra's hair. OK? So I did write that. And I am not proud, but that was the nastiest I got. Except for her dress. Why do women wear pup tents for dresses? OK. That was the second nastiest thing I wrote. The third thing I wrote was about her talking incessantly and jumping from topic to topic. That last part was probably due to the alcoholism (she wasn't drunk or drinking as I could tell. But she has a form of attention deficit disorder.).

I wrote more. But I wrote about me. And the above nasty things were and are - none of my business. And frankly, a form of judgment - well not a form - it is judgment. I wrote about why I got angry and why I hate lies and deceitfulness. I hate lies and deceiving - I am not sure why I want people to stop spinning. But again, that's not my business, as long as I know they are lies, and they don't harm me.

Focus on yourself. That's the key.

Later - let me tell you about a dinner date I had with two friends. One lady was from Russia. Pretty interesting.

See you tomorrow. Hope you are well. Or this one

The weather is here, wish you were well.

What They Think About Me

Al-Anon quote - almost a slogan -

This is a good one. I've heard this many times since going to Al-Anon. I have applied it to almost all of my affairs - business, personal, in Al-Anon meetings, at the store, etc. etc.

Let me state what this almost Al-Anon slogan is - and it is a great one. Here it is;

"What they think about me, is none of my business.

(I think for bettter effect, leave off the comma.)

I try to tell myself this whenever I drift off into thinking about what the other person is thinking. What a crazy thing, this thinking about what the other person is thinking. Hello. Is anyone home? Are you crazy or what? You are thinking what they are thinking - about you? Seems really silly, when you stop and really think about it?

How often do we do this? And worse, we can send ourselves down the tubes, in terms of moods, when we do this, because naturally we think they are thinking something bad about us. It is never good is it? And our moods - well - we can ruin a perfectly good day

This happened to me yesterday. I was - well - er' - serene. Until a conference call. And I rambled. And I spoke almost non-stop. Why? Because I was passionate about the topic. Why? Because I did not prepare as well as I should have. Why? Because I was tired.

Well, now I am in the other party's head. I am thinking; "What are they thinking?" and "What should I do now?

Yesterday I obsessed a lot about this. So I found a meeting (an Al-Anon meeting) to get back to a centeredness.

What can I do now? Nothing. Pray. Turn it over to God. Do a Step 1 and 3 here.

Stop obsessing - and playing that "what if" and "how could I" questions in my head. If I get an email that I sucked, I will not die. But I will come back and address it and make amends and ask for a "do over."

I am still in recovery. I cannot believe I am where I am and how affected I have become in this disease. Thank God for a program.

So, back to my claim above about I how I applied it in almost all my affairs. I need to be clear on this and truthful. I remind myself often, but I still drift into other people's heads, wondering what they think about me and it can turn negative and just destroy a very perfectly fine day.

I hope you can use this tool today.