Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Emotional Dependency

I am reading about emotional dependency this morning. Yep. Me. Emotional dependency. If you met me you'd say, "He wrote that?! Are you friggin' kidding me?"

Yep. Me.

Here is what is ringing in my ears;

Emotional dependency comes from our need to right and our need for approval. It comes out our need to feel loved and the need to be taken care of.

I consider myself to be "self-reliant." Hmmmm . . . Am I?

I crossed myself up with the thoughts of being "rich" or "well-off" with "self-reliant." When I read Emerson's essay on Self Reliance I read it from the stand point of money. I probably need to go back to it and read it with some different eye-glasses this time.

Here's what else I am reading regarding emotional dependency;

Tension arises when we want something from someone else.

If I think about it this is true. If I want recognition for my work at the office, I can feel the tension. If they don't recognize me or praise me, then I feel this tension of being "dissed" or "forgotten" or "not approved."

What if I knew I was loved? What if I knew that no matter what, I was approved of? What if I felt this deep in my heart and soul, that no matter what, I would be "okay?"

When I think about these three questions and hold the thoughts and the feelings within me, I feel less tension. I breath deeper. In fact, I am breathing deeper as I type this sentence, since I just typed those three questions.

What if you wrote these questions out in your journal? (By the way; GET A JOURNAL!!!).

Well, try it and see. Hold the thought in your mind. Write the questions out again. What if . . .

Then respond to the questions; I would feel this way about myself. I would act this way toward others. I would not look to others for their approval or best - their opinion of my work or me.

Funny. I just wrote something in that last sentence; "their opinion of my work." I know this is wrong but I do it. I transfer "me" and my self-worth with my work or more truthfully, how others deem my work. I knew this before. But this morning it strikes me differently. Maybe it rings deeper in my head as being ridiculous.

What I know today and I am working on is that the answers to these questions for me involve my Higher Power. If my HP approves of me DEEPLY and if I truly feel this, I feel better about me. Same with the other questions. When I feel my HP is there, then I feel better. I know, I will be okay no matter what happens. My HP works, as long I give faith. I wrote "give" not "have." That is interesting . . . Hmmmmm again.

New Topic - Sort of . . .
I have heard in Al-Anon people saying "I always find people who are 'emotionally unavailable.'" Interesting statement. I think because the term "emotionally unavailable" sounds clever, we mistake that this is a correct statement then. Just because it sounds clever - does not make it right. Now here is where I am in boundaries bordering areas where I have no clue of what I am talking about - but here it goes . . .

What if . . . the "emotionally unavailable" is our issue? What if they are not supposed to give us "our emotional satisfaction" and that in fact, that this is healthy? What if we did find someone who was "emotionally available" and what if in reality - that this meant we got our supposed "self-worth" from them? I think this would be in fact, slipping out of recovery and into "emotional dependency" and therefore - MAYBE - this person IS right for us, it's just that they are different than people we "dated" or "hung around with" before. And that MAYBE, it is us that needs to change and realize that this is part of our recovery . . .? I put a question mark there because I do not know if this is true or not or accurate or not. But I am going to think about this today and throw this out in an Al-Anon meeting soon to see what I hear back.

Just because it is a clever saying - don't accept it as true - is all I can say that I know is true!

And - I am not saying "Hang out with people who make you feel like crap." I am saying, "Hang out with people who allow you to be you. Hang out with people that do not judge you or others. Hang out with people who allow you to pick up your own shit. Hang out with people that want to encourage you to grow - be you - and have a program."

That's all for today. Keep the faith. Hope for Today. Faith in the future. We are ALL going to alright.


Progress, Not Perfection said...

wow, scary. I so related to your ideas on "emotional unavailability." I think this goes hand in hand with intimacy. I am just begining to realize how not good I am at it. Really changes my perspective on how I handle... listen to that... how I engage myself or dont engage myself with others.

I think one of my biggest proplems is giving myself my own emotional stability. I am not good at that. Although I am getting a little better everyday. I think it all comes down to trusting my HP. Really knowing that he knows better and has a plan for me... a perfect plan just for me.

Thanks for your thoughts. Peace and Serenity.

Cat said...

Emotional Dependency caused me to behave badly yesterday - Thanks for posting this - your timing was great! Cat

Syd said...

I've always heard that those who are family members of alcoholics will become involved in other relationships with alcoholics. I know that I did. Emotionally unavailable? I think so. I thought that love could fix that. What a crazy idea. I now know better.