The purpose of my life is . . .
I used to think it to be a success; have money; have recognition; and this one is the scariest to admit - TO BE LOVED.
Hmmmmm . . . .
I am thinking about the "to be loved" part. I am writing free flow right now. I am letting my thoughts come through the typing. It doesn't work for me as well as "just writing in a notebook." I have to think where the keys are. What makes it more difficult is a I got a new laptop at work and going back and forth between the two laptops is making my typing a little fumbled.
Back to recovery.
TO BE LOVED.
I guess this might be true. Money is to take care of my self and feel secure. Recognition is to feel like I am worthy and worthwhile.
But I am changing. I can feel it but recently, with work, and the fact that maybe I have gone out with a "woman friend" with some other people. I will use "date" for shorthand. With the "date" thing - I feel I cannot be myself totally. I have to "entertain" - by being funny and interesting with the opposite sex and smart and experienced at work.
I am funny - sometimes. It is just hard to be funny non-stop. Maybe the word is "fun."
Regarding smart at work - well, I know my business. But as a manager, I have to coach and "cross boundaries" and get people to do things differently - because what they are doing is not working.
These two things are - I am afraid - keeping me from my true purpose - or what I believe my true purpose is today.
My true purpose is - and this is because of Al-Anon - to experience as many "highs" as possible. AND - if possible - stay consistently high.
WHAT IS HIGH?
To me, high is being is harmony with life, my inner thoughts, and my outer actions and behaviors. It means living the truth about me and who I am and what I believe in. Telling the truth about how I feel and what I want and frankly . . . I like seeing others laugh and seeing/hearing me laugh too.
Something about a good laugh. And at least a smile.
I am having a problem with a little couple of "white lies" I have told at work and on a date. I cannot tell about my wife's issue, and my "issues" - I am in recovery. While I don't drink, tonight I have to go out with a new boss and new colleagues for dinner. And they are going to drink. I was told this at the office the other day - "Expect a lot of drinking."
When I told my "date" this the other night and she said, "Pour a glass of coke and pretend you are drinking too." She meant no harm, but I prefer not to do this. So I heard her answer and I regret - frankly - opening up and revealing a part of me to someone else. I feel exposed. I sense, and feel, a little judged.
I prefer to tell people tonight, "No thanks. I am not drinking." And, frankly, go home around 9PM - at the very latest. Because the longer I stay out, the more exposed I am going to become to these "new people." They will drink. There guards will be down, and they will ask questions. I am worried. That's what I am, that they will cross boundaries and try to expose parts of me I am unwilling to expose. Hell, I don't even want to expose certain parts of me to me.
Also - my "date" the other night asked me how old I was. I danced around this several times. Why did I do that? Because I was trying to be funny. My answer was, "Between 17 and 75." She couldn't leave that alone. I said, "Okay, 17. Your a molester." That got a good laugh. But she pressed. I danced around it - why? I felt like I was being exposed again. I thought it was a "boundary crossing" question. But why? She was just trying to find out a "normal" item between two people. My dancing around the question made the question even more important.
Just before I revealed the "truth" about my age - she tried to guess. She thought I was about 8 years younger than I was. I don't think she was trying to "make me feel good" because I could tell she was not believing the truth when I told her. Is this good or bad? I am in pretty good shape. And I have all my teeth. I even have a pimple or two once in a while.
But still this bothers me. In fact, this dating question bothers me more than work stuff.
I am also afraid of becoming "enmeshed" again. I don't want to date someone and become dependent upon their feelings affecting how I react or feel about them.
I can almost feel my insecurities coming up - wanting to tell this person - we should probably not go out again. The enmeshment part bothers me. If I don't date - I know I cannot become enmeshed.
Back to the purpose of this post - the purpose of my life: These little "normal day-to-day" things are speed bumps (or roadblocks) to my purpose - trying to be in harmony with life stuff and/or be serene or have serenity.
I just realized - I am not living in moment. I am projecting ahead. These are my thoughts: will tonight be a pain? And will I reveal too much about myself? And the other with dating; will I be accepted?
Okay. If I remember not to run too far into the future. If I can remember I have a Higher Power who loves and accepts me no matter what. If I can remember to "Live one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time . . . " I will stay centered and in the Present.
I am breathing a little deeper now.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The purpose of my life is . . .