Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Purpose of My Life

The purpose of my life is . . .

I used to think it to be a success; have money; have recognition; and this one is the scariest to admit - TO BE LOVED.

Hmmmmm . . . .

I am thinking about the "to be loved" part. I am writing free flow right now. I am letting my thoughts come through the typing. It doesn't work for me as well as "just writing in a notebook." I have to think where the keys are. What makes it more difficult is a I got a new laptop at work and going back and forth between the two laptops is making my typing a little fumbled.

Back to recovery.

TO BE LOVED.
I guess this might be true. Money is to take care of my self and feel secure. Recognition is to feel like I am worthy and worthwhile.

But I am changing. I can feel it but recently, with work, and the fact that maybe I have gone out with a "woman friend" with some other people. I will use "date" for shorthand. With the "date" thing - I feel I cannot be myself totally. I have to "entertain" - by being funny and interesting with the opposite sex and smart and experienced at work.

I am funny - sometimes. It is just hard to be funny non-stop. Maybe the word is "fun."

Regarding smart at work - well, I know my business. But as a manager, I have to coach and "cross boundaries" and get people to do things differently - because what they are doing is not working.

These two things are - I am afraid - keeping me from my true purpose - or what I believe my true purpose is today.

My true purpose is - and this is because of Al-Anon - to experience as many "highs" as possible. AND - if possible - stay consistently high.

WHAT IS HIGH?
To me, high is being is harmony with life, my inner thoughts, and my outer actions and behaviors. It means living the truth about me and who I am and what I believe in. Telling the truth about how I feel and what I want and frankly . . . I like seeing others laugh and seeing/hearing me laugh too.

Something about a good laugh. And at least a smile.

I am having a problem with a little couple of "white lies" I have told at work and on a date. I cannot tell about my wife's issue, and my "issues" - I am in recovery. While I don't drink, tonight I have to go out with a new boss and new colleagues for dinner. And they are going to drink. I was told this at the office the other day - "Expect a lot of drinking."

When I told my "date" this the other night and she said, "Pour a glass of coke and pretend you are drinking too." She meant no harm, but I prefer not to do this. So I heard her answer and I regret - frankly - opening up and revealing a part of me to someone else. I feel exposed. I sense, and feel, a little judged.

I prefer to tell people tonight, "No thanks. I am not drinking." And, frankly, go home around 9PM - at the very latest. Because the longer I stay out, the more exposed I am going to become to these "new people." They will drink. There guards will be down, and they will ask questions. I am worried. That's what I am, that they will cross boundaries and try to expose parts of me I am unwilling to expose. Hell, I don't even want to expose certain parts of me to me.

Also - my "date" the other night asked me how old I was. I danced around this several times. Why did I do that? Because I was trying to be funny. My answer was, "Between 17 and 75." She couldn't leave that alone. I said, "Okay, 17. Your a molester." That got a good laugh. But she pressed. I danced around it - why? I felt like I was being exposed again. I thought it was a "boundary crossing" question. But why? She was just trying to find out a "normal" item between two people. My dancing around the question made the question even more important.

Just before I revealed the "truth" about my age - she tried to guess. She thought I was about 8 years younger than I was. I don't think she was trying to "make me feel good" because I could tell she was not believing the truth when I told her. Is this good or bad? I am in pretty good shape. And I have all my teeth. I even have a pimple or two once in a while.

But still this bothers me. In fact, this dating question bothers me more than work stuff.

I am also afraid of becoming "enmeshed" again. I don't want to date someone and become dependent upon their feelings affecting how I react or feel about them.

I can almost feel my insecurities coming up - wanting to tell this person - we should probably not go out again. The enmeshment part bothers me. If I don't date - I know I cannot become enmeshed.

Back to the purpose of this post - the purpose of my life: These little "normal day-to-day" things are speed bumps (or roadblocks) to my purpose - trying to be in harmony with life stuff and/or be serene or have serenity.

I just realized - I am not living in moment. I am projecting ahead. These are my thoughts: will tonight be a pain? And will I reveal too much about myself? And the other with dating; will I be accepted?

Okay. If I remember not to run too far into the future. If I can remember I have a Higher Power who loves and accepts me no matter what. If I can remember to "Live one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time . . . " I will stay centered and in the Present.

I am breathing a little deeper now.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Joe,

You are approved of and deeply loved by your creator. Serenity is available 24x7 for all who own this truth. The struggles in life all stem from not living completely loved. God's love is never forced. We only need to surrender. We complicate the simple because admitting to this truth doesn't allow us to have the control. God's in control........peace

Anonymous said...

Joe,
I understand your angst. You began the blog with "my desire to be loved", and you went on with all the reasons you think for us to not love you - and you can't reveal yourself because you won't be loved. Yikes!

Yes, you are "complicating the simple."

On your blog page you also write "what you think of me is none of my business." If you worry about it, then you are making it your business. Wrap yourself in the security of knowing you are loved by your creator and it doesn't matter what other people think about you. It only matters what YOU and your creator think about you.

Are you happy with you? What is hiding that you are ashamed of? Is it your qualifier for AlAnon? Or is it something else?

You are already loved.

Cat said...

Hey Joe, we all fear the same thing and that is to NOT be loved. I think some of us learned how to not be exposed and open to new love and new circumstances and learning a new way to behave is no easy task.

As for the drinking answer - whatever works for you - do that - as long as you are comfortable. As for the friends response to you and your ensuing dissappointment, I think we all have certain expectations of other people we share with and when those are not met - it helps us to pull back a bit.

Cat

Syd said...

Joe, just be yourself. That's all you can do. If that isn't enough for some people, then so be it. Life's too short to be anxious about what others think. No one is ever going to love us unconditionally except God and perhaps our parents.

Anonymous said...

Hey Joe,

I understand your feelings. However, withteh dating thing all I can share is my experience. I was beginning to get involved with a guy in program that I really, really liked. And one day he just froze up and froze me out. His excuse was that he couldn't deal with me, his recovery was more important, he couldn't focus on his life, I was a distraction to him, etc., etc. I didn't do anything wrong to this guy, all I was doing was responding--warmth to his warmth. Our relationship still hasn't mended. He won't even say "hello" to me unless I look at him and say it first. And I know he feels about me, because his friends tell me so. But no matter, I'm done with him.

I feel he acted really, really silly for a 45 year old man.

The truth is, he just got scared of his feelings.

I am itnerested in someone else now. I am scared. But maybe it's really important that we don't keep bringing the same mess from our old relationships into new ones...I really like this new man but I still struggle with I am too fat, etc. I have thought I was too fat when I weighted 125 lbs so obviously that is in my head.

Part of what recovery is doing for me is helping me to realize I can shed the past and go into the future with the real me. And where I am scared I have tools: fellowship, meetings, calls, literature, inventories...

Guess I am just suggesting that you don't walk in fear as far as dating is converned. You sound like a nice guy and women need you! :)

Progress, Not Perfection said...

Hey Joe, How did the work event go?

Thanks so much for your posts. I always feel like you are writing exactly what I am thinking.I worry about constantly being enmeshed with someone else too.

Peace and Serenity.

simply...lilli! said...

Thank you for sharing this. Upon reading these words that could have been my own on so many levels today, I felt able to see myself a little clearer and see through some of my own patterns ... and finding I'm not alone in this thinking, I felt better somehow, more human, less need for perfection, less self-accusation. Yes, we all want to be loved ... and loving ourselves first always seems to be the hardest part.