Saturday, January 24, 2009

I'm bAAck

Good morning-

I have had a lot of pressure to deal with. Child custody mediation. What a nightmare. Because there are no DUIs/DWIs - there is no evidence of a problem drinker. I am made to look like the nut case.

Isn't that one of the real issues with this disease? We are made to look like we are overreacting, which we probably do at times, a little crazy and obsessed - which we are at times too.

We are made to feel - inferior. We are made to feel like we are less than.

No one outside the alcoholic home knows what we go through. I am 6' 4" - and this little woman - 5' 5" looks innocent compared to me and my deep voice. I am made out to be the bad guy. Especially since I can get pissed off, I all of a sudden have "anger problems." A nice 2009 cultural label that one cannot fend off very well. Something that is more "apparent" than an alcoholic driving and drinking with children in the car.

Okay. So that sounded like victim language.

But I am not. I was given less custody by the guardian ad litem (GAL) - the court appointed attorney we requested. I was really pissed.

But I prayed. And I really did. In the mediation, the GAL changed his mind a week after he told the parties of his findings - in the meeting after my deposition.

Prayer does work. I must remember faith and compassion for the universe and God of my understanding.

Compassion for all and especially ME!

It's almost over. Next is the money division. My wife is very rich and will become even richer because of inheritance. I fear I will lose a lot of my assets and she will have 2X money and soon 5X.

I worry and pray again. I came from a poor family. I am fortunate and grateful to have worked my head and butt off. I have brothers who are a doctor, an entrepreneur, an exec and a sister who is in sales. We all made it out of poverty so to speak - and now we don't have to worry where the next meal is coming from.

I worry about being poor again - even though I know I won't. But I have this vision or fear of living in a dilapidated apartment that is dark and dingy. I saw one of these apartments last week on my way to the mediation. My stomach went empty and my heart jumped. I could visualize myself in the apartment - dark, watching TV .... it scared me.

I worry and I pray for peace and this coming to an end.

Prayer - which I never did really - until about 1.5 years ago - has been a great soother for me.

I have been out of town working - a management kick-off meeting - in San Antonio TX. We worked from Sunday to Thursday - 15 hours a day. The Riverwalk was very nice and great architecture - saw this for about an hour one day - the only hour for down time.

Peace this Saturday and weekend to you all.


Cat said...

There really is something to be said about the power of prayer, I am still re learning that fact.

Your post brought back stuff for me...My husband drove drunk - 3 times - that he was aresseted for - which means many more times he went uncought. He was and sometimes still is a lousy father, he was not only had an anger problem - he had a rage problem - and he did push me around and I did go to the hospital and press charges and he was refered to anger management classes through to court. He is 6"2 and I am 5"7 so had I chose to divorce I am confident it all would have gone my way...I had all the documentation needed.

I sincerely hope that you get what you need from the courts, from your wife and that you find a place where you can become the happiest version of you that you have known.


Anonymous said...

Divorce, especially custody issues are gut wrenching. You are right about how no one knows what we go through and how we can be made to look bad. What helped me the most was trying to connect with my HP. I too projected that I would be on the streets. I'm making more money today than I ever thought was possible. Far from the streets. This too shall pass.

Catherine said...

Oh, I hear you. One of my Q's favorite things to say, if he heard things that he didn't like out of my mouth, was "you're out of your mind," or "you're just F-ing crazy," which of course sent me into a tailspin. I have a role in that, though. I allowed his stupid accusations to rile me and I walked right into it a lot of times by OPTING to interact with him when it was clear that we were just going to fight. We rarely even speak any more, but if I want to discuss anything any more serious than a grocery list, I try to wait until I'm feeling really really serene and happy. It increases my chances of staying calm and being heard. But you're talking about a situation where the Q has painted a picture of you that you don't agree with. Addicts are really good liars because they believe their own stories. In theory the court is trying to rule in favor of your daughter, right? and not trying to reward you or your ex. Either way you're one step closer to disentanglement. It's good.

vb said...

I am just trying to get back to Al-Anon. I found this blog and your comment and I thought someone had channeled me through you. Finally I am not crazy, this is what Alcholics cause, the symptoms. I too am made to feel like the crazy, raging, that time of the month person. Overreacting, what is my problem person. You are right no one outside the alcoholic home knows what we go through.

I too came from a poor family and worked really hard to do something with my life. Now I find myself refusing to work because I don't want to make my girls totally alone. Right now they have me, but if I go to work they will have know one. I feel like I made my bed now I have to lie in it. I brought them into this shit, I got to give them a chance and deal with it without making them suffer.
Anyway thanks for sharing and good luck. It sounds like you have the tools to create a better life for yourself. You are working a program, you are finacially fit and you have seperated. My support goes out to you.